MERRITT
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
I’m so mad. And also really flustered and kind of turned on, but mostly just mad.
At Blake for being the world’s biggest fucking idiot.
At Bennett for almost falling for that idiot’s shit and jeopardizing his entire hockey career and professional reputation.
At myself for ever dating Blake in the first place, for actually falling for his lies and manipulation and somehow still allowing him to make a fool out of me.
I have no idea how I managed to drag Bennett all the way up the stairs and into his bedroom when he’s got at least like a foot on me and weighs… a lot—mostly muscle, obviously—but I don’t stop power walking until we’re inside his bedroom and the door is shut behind us.
Drowning out the sound of the party that I never really got to attend before my ex showed his entire ass and Bennett only fueled the fire.
I suck in a deep, uneven breath before whirling around to face him.
He’s leaning against the wall beside the door, his blond hair disheveled, and I know it’s because he’s run his fingers through it.
“What the hell was that?” My voice shakes, and I hate that it betrays the emotions spiraling inside of me.
I want to lock it all away in the fortress of my heart, but I don’t feel strong and unyielding the way I usually force myself to be. Not after that.
Bennett’s bright eyes slowly lift to mine, and the space between his brows furrows tightly. “What was that? That was me trying not to beat Gauthreaux’s ass.”
I scoff. “Yes, Bennett. I’m aware. Why did you… Why even engage with him? You know what he’s after. You know that he’s trying to push your buttons and make you react.”
I have so much unspent energy bouncing around inside me that I’m pacing the floor and starting to sweat beneath this stupid thick-ass sweater that I wore for the party tonight.
“You gave him exactly what he wanted.”
He pushes off the wall and stalks over to me, his hand closing around my arm to stop me. “I know.”
I shake my head back and forth, the words just spilling out of me, unable to stop them. “Now he knows how far he can push you, Bennett. You think that now that he’s crossed this line, he’s suddenly going to backtrack? Why would you give him that power?”
He’s quiet for a moment, not meeting my gaze. Seconds tick by, and each one makes the air around us thicker and heavier.
“Merritt, he fucking touched you. Without your permission.” The words are whispered quietly, and he finally lifts his eyes up, fury burning in the depths. “I hate that he feels comfortable enough to fucking touch you. To get close to you.”
My heart lurches in my chest, and I swallow. “But that doesn’t mean you can jeopardize your hockey career. You almost got into a fight with him in the middle of a party, surrounded by a room full of people, Bennett. What the hell were you thinking?”
The muscle in his jaw flexes as he grinds his teeth together, his blue eyes swimming with anger.
But I’m angry too.
Not because I give a fuck about Blake. He’s like an annoying bug that keeps buzzing around your head that you can’t seem to get rid of, but angry because I care about Bennett.
In the moment, I was so worried that he was going to get kicked off the team if things with Blake kept going, that he would lose the chance to play professionally, or that… that he would get hurt.
“You, Merritt. That’s what I was thinking about. Okay?” His voice cracks slightly, and he shakes his head, breathing hard. “All I was thinking about is that you are not his, you are fucking mine!”
I freeze, and my breath catches in my chest as I force a swallow down my throat past the tightness. The way that he says it doesn’t seem like…
“This is… this is fake, Bennett. We said that we—”
My words are cut off when he closes the distance between us, the heat of his body washing over me when he presses against me and shakes his head.
“No, the fuck it’s not. Look at me right now and tell me that you don’t feel it.
This is not fake to me. In fact, I don’t think anything in my life has ever felt as real as this.
As important as this. You are the most real thing in my life, Merritt.
Don’t you see that I’m crazy about you?” He chuckles softly and reaches up, sliding his hand along my jaw and sweeping his thumb tenderly over my cheekbone.
My heart is beating so hard that I can hear it in my ears, an oddly comforting, steady woosh.
“Things between us may have started as fake. But this is no longer about my superstitions or pissing off your ex, and honestly, it hasn’t been for me, for a while.
I like you. I really fucking like you. I like everything about you.
I like when you’re giving me shit.” A laugh pushes past my lips, and he grins.
“Actually, I fucking love it. I love when you’re bratty, and you have an attitude like you’re six foot four and invincible.
I love that you don’t back down. That in the face of shit that scares you, you lift your chin higher and are ready to take on the world.
And underneath that armor that you wear so proudly, you are actually soft and squishy. ”
“Hey.” I swat at his chest, laughing. “Not true.”
“Baby, it is so fucking true, and it’s one of the things that I love about you,” he murmurs. His fingers that are pressed against my lower back, holding me tightly to him, absentmindedly sweep back and forth, and emotion has my chest pulling tight.
At how safe and seen I feel right now.
“I wanted to tell you before now, but honestly… I was fucking scared.” His throat bobs as he swallows, shaking his head.
“At first, I was scared that I was doing the same thing I’ve always done.
Chasing after something because I loved the thrill of it.
Chasing after something because I wanted to feel wanted, to be fulfilled with something inside of me that I couldn’t do on my own.
I was worried that it was just the same pattern, and I didn’t want it to be.
But the more I got to know you, and the more time we spent together, I realized that what I feel for you…
it’s real. I was just scared that you wouldn’t feel the same way.
That you’d run in the opposite direction.
And when I think about it, that terrifies me.
Because this is the first time in my life that anyone has meant something more to me. ”
Oh God.
My eyes bounce between his as his hand rubs slowly up and down my back, his thumb sweeping with the same motion.
He doesn’t push me to say anything back, giving me a moment to let his revelation sink in, my hyperactive brain moving on overdrive.
Bennett wants to be with me.
Really be with me.
And I’m surprised to realize there’s no hesitation inside of me… because I want him too.
If he would’ve said this to me a month ago, despite my attraction to him and my feelings simmering just beneath the surface, he’s right… I would’ve run.
Because a month ago I didn’t fully know the man standing in front of me.
I knew who I thought he was. I didn’t know him as the kind, thoughtful, sweet guy he actually is, a man who constantly goes out of his way to take care of me.
A man who seems to just get me. A man who, despite being soft in all the perfect places, also has the filthiest mouth and can light this fire inside of me like no one else ever has.
That’s who’s standing here right now.
This man who almost put everything on the line because of someone touching and disrespecting me.
Even though I could throttle him for it.
I push down the thick ball of emotion weighing heavily in my throat and give him a small smile. “What are you asking me, Goalie?”
His lip tugs up into a grin, and he leans closer, dropping his forehead to mine for the briefest moment, rubbing his nose gently along mine.
Why is that so sexy and so sweet at the same time?
“I’m asking you to be my girl. For real this time.
I want to date you. I wanna take you to the movies.
Even though you’re probably going to force me into a scary-as-shit movie that I’ll hate, but I’ll do it because I don’t even care if I can be wherever you are.
I want to take you to Jack’s Pizza and share extra-cheesy pizza.
I want you to come to my games. I want to look up in the stands and see you sitting there next to Elliott and your dad or with your girls, wearing a jersey with my name on your back.
I want to come home after being gone for away games and crawl into bed next to you.
I want to celebrate when you get into law school and be the one who keeps you fed and focused when you’ve been studying for hours.
I want whatever the hell you’ll give me, baby.
I just want you. That’s all I fucking want… you.”
I can see it in my head as he says it, and my heart is melting.
I never saw Bennett coming, but now I can’t even picture what my life would be like without him in it.
“I want you too,” I whisper, and he pulls back to stare at me.
His eyes widen in disbelief. “You do?”
“Of course, I do. I mean… yeah, I am a little nervous. But it’s not because of you.
Because… I’ve been hurt in the past, and my heart doesn’t forget it.
But if there is anything I know, Bennett, it’s that you’re worth the risk.
I know who you are. You’re the guy who makes me laugh, who sees me for who I really am, even the not-so-beautiful parts.
The guy who makes me feel safe and secure, and the guy who I love to be with.
You’re that guy, and that’s all that matters to me. ”
His face softens, relief flooding it, and it dawns on me that he truly was worried that I wouldn’t feel the same way. Apparently, I’m even better at hiding my emotions than I thought.
“Thank God. I was scared I was going to cry in front of you if you rejected me, and that would be weird after everything I just admitted.”
I laugh. “A little.”
“I’ve never been a boyfriend. Ever. So there’s a good chance that I’m going to fuck up, and I’m definitely going to make mistakes. I’m probably going to get it right like 69 percent of the time and wrong the other percent, whatever is left.”
I bite the corner of my lip to keep from laughing. He looks so serious, I wouldn’t dare.
“What I can promise you, with a hundred percent certainty, is that for all the times that I get it wrong, I will spend double trying to make up for it.” He pauses for a beat, eyes bouncing between mine.
“I know the first time we met was something you want to forget, and you’ve been through it.
I know my past is always going to be at the back of your mind after what Gauthreaux said tonight, but I’m not him.
I will never be him. You’re the girl I want, Merritt.
I know that I haven’t always taken everything seriously, but I swear to you that is not who I am anymore.
I’m serious about this. About you. About us. All I need is the chance to prove it.”
The thing about words is that even when they’re big and profound, they can be reduced to nothing if there aren’t actions behind them.
I’ve learned that many times in my life, most of them the hard way.
And as Bennett stands here and says all these things that make my heart race, I know that they’re not just words because I’ve witnessed it over the last few months.
I’ve seen him grow, even if I didn’t fully understand what that meant yet.
It’s one thing to say you’re going to change, and it’s another to actually do it.
When I think about how many times toward the end of our relationship Blake and I got into fights, when he said things that he couldn’t take back, and afterward would make promises about how everything would be better because he’d try harder and that he would have more patience when he got frustrated at me for something I couldn’t help.
They were empty promises, and in the end, all he did was prove that words are just words.
Yet the man standing in front of me has already shown me more than Blake ever did. He’s never once treated me with anything other than respect and kindness. Not even when I was so salty with him at first.
I lift onto the tips of my toes and whisper against his lips, “You’re already proving it, Bennett.”