35. Merritt #2
Oh my God. My hands tighten in the sides of his shirt, the fabric grounding me so I don’t fall into a heap at his feet because my entire body is trembling.
“I should have said it before now. I should have said it the second that I realized I was in love with you. But I just got so damn hung up on wanting to do it right. I wanted it to be a moment that you would never forget—I still do. But then I realized it’s not about being in the perfect moment if I was going to let other moments slip by.
Missing another chance to whisper I love you in your ear before I leave for practice, when you’re tangled in the covers, looking so beautiful that I feel my heart actually squeezing.
Or telling you when I’m sitting beside you and all I can do is stare because I’m so taken aback by your beauty and your fucking mind and your heart.
All of those times I could have told you that I loved you, but I didn’t.
I missed all of those times, baby.” His chest heaves, and he narrows his eyes.
“Fuck, when I thought about losing you tonight, I knew the biggest regret in my life would have been not telling you that I’m in love with you. ”
I’m not even sure exactly when I started to cry.
When the tears that have been prickling in my eyes finally spilled over, but my cheeks are wet, and my throat is so tight it feels hard to breathe.
I shake my head. “Why would you lose me?” I ask, confused about why he would think that.
His Adam’s apple bobs, and he clenches his teeth together, his jaw working.
“Gauthreaux.” His exhale stutters along my lips, and he pulls further back to look at me.
“He came up to me before the game and told me that you talked. He told me he showed you the video and about the shit that he said to you. Merritt, I need you to know that video was taken before I ever met you and was taken without my consent. I had no idea this girl was filming it, and even so, I am so fucking sorry that you had to see that, baby. Jesus, I’m fucking sorry.
“I’m disgusted with myself, and I’m disgusted that you had to see me like that with another girl.
Even if it was from a long time ago, you should have never had to see that.
I know how I’d feel if I saw you like that.
And I want to kill Blake with my bare hands, and I almost did, but regardless of how you saw it, you deserve an apology.
I promise you, I did not cheat on you. I would never.
I would never betray your trust. Please, believe that. ”
The tortured look on his face is like a punch to my gut. He’s spent the entire night being agonized by this, and I hate it.
“I know,” I say softly. “I wouldn’t be standing here if I thought that you cheated on me, Bennett.
” I run my tongue along my teeth when the image flashes through my brain against my will.
“Was it something that I wanted to ever see? Absolutely not. Did it make me want to throw up a little bit? Yes. Did I also want to punch Blake in the dick? Yes. But I knew he was manipulating me. He just changed his tactic after Christmas Eve because he wasn’t getting through to me.
Because I don’t want him. I don’t care about his lies or his bullshit or anything that comes out of his mouth.
I knew exactly what he was trying to do.
He was just trying to convince me that the man I love hurt me. ”
Bennett’s eyes widen, and I nod.
“I love you. I think maybe that we’ve just been two idiots in love for a while. Idiots who just didn’t tell each other.”
He laughs, and a tear tracks down my cheek. Using the rough pad of his thumb, he swipes it away.
“We’re stronger than that. I know who you are Bennett. I trust you, and if I didn’t, I would never have gotten into a relationship with you to begin with.”
Was there a single second moment of doubt that crossed my mind when I first saw it, where I was terrified it could be true? Maybe, just a split second.
But that’s it. And it was Blake’s unfaithfulness that doubt stemmed from, not Bennett.
“That’s the thing about Blake. I know he doesn’t love me—he never really loved me because he loved the idea of me, almost as much as he loves himself.
And I’m just a very shiny, unattainable object to him.
He only wants me only because he can’t have me.
His ego, his narcissistic complex makes him believe that I’m just going to come crawling back and pretend that nothing ever happened because in his mind, there’s no one better.
Even if we weren’t together, Bennett… even if I wasn’t in love with you, I’m never going to believe Blake’s bullshit again. I would never go back to him.”
I look up at him through watery eyes. “I’m sorry that he got in your head and that there was ever any doubt. I’m yours, Bennett, fully and completely.”
His hands curve around my waist, and he hauls me against him, crushing me into his chest, his arms wrapping tightly around me in a suffocating hug. I can feel the palpable relief seeping out of him.
“Jesus, baby, when he told me you left the arena after talking to him, and I couldn’t find you in the stands… I just thought the fucking worst. I was petrified. I swear I thought about walking out of the game.”
My eyes widen. “Bennett, no.”
He shrugs. “Hockey has always been my life. I’ve lived and breathed it since I was eight years old.
I hope that it’s my future… Even though I honestly don’t know if that’s going to be the case anymore, but if I didn’t already know I was in love with you, tonight solidified it.
I realized that all of this—hockey, the future, my dreams—it means nothing if I don’t have you.
If I didn’t have you to share it with, to celebrate the wins, and lament the lows.
Hockey isn’t my life anymore, Merritt. You are. ”
“I love you.” I throw my arms around his shoulders and pull his mouth back to mine, tasting the salt of my tears that I can’t seem to turn off. “I love you so much, Bennett Legros.”
Suddenly, my feet leave the floor when he lifts me up, my legs wrapping tightly around his waist. Times like these, when he’s pouring his love into me like this, I’ve never felt closer to another human being than I do him. Mentally, emotionally, physically.