Chapter 33
Galling Guidance
T am felt sweat drip down the side of his head as he continued to hold the red thread, which had once again gone taut.
He had no idea how long it had been since he’d entered the void, but he knew it was longer than he’d ever been there before.
Shouldn’t there be a limit to the length of time I can be in here? I’m using magic, and all magic has limits…
Tam readjusted his grip on the thread again. The magical line that was tied to something deep in his being had come and gone since he’d been in the void. He wondered if he should simply let it drag him, but he wanted to understand what the hell it was to begin with.
Lobahlans think that it is the hair of the Goddess when they see a red thread. That it connects them to their fate. Even Kat says she sees or senses something like this with her magic when she is bolstering people. But not a lone thread; she says there are several.
Though the devil apparently was tied to her with a red thread.
Am I tied to the devil?
Tam grunted as his muscles strained. He felt his grip weakening.
And then, just when he was about to let himself be yanked forward again, the thread disappeared.
Collapsing to his knees, Tam panted heavily, his hands red and swollen from holding on for so long…
“Why am I still in here?” he shouted upward desperately. “People need me out there!”
His throat parched, Tam dropped his chin to his chest and closed his eyes in frustration.
“Why do you think people need you?”
Tam jolted in shock.
The voice had come from behind him, making him roll instinctively to face the newcomer in a better position to defend or attack.
But he found himself staring at a simple, harmless, older man.
He was bald on top of his head, with a few short white hairs prickling the sides; he had a droopy nose and a long, wrinkled chin. The man definitely didn’t appear threatening at a glance. He wasn’t very tall, and he wore humble clothes: a tattered tan vest, a white shirt, dark-brown pants, a red kerchief around his neck. But his bright, ethereal shining blue eyes were something else entirely. They weren’t warm—or necessarily kind— but they were sharper than any sword’s edge.
“Who are you?” Tam rasped.
The man tilted his head, studying Tam with an interested expression. “I am a friend and enemy to all. You must be Tamlin Ashowan.”
Tam’s hands shook, and his legs felt weak. Yet he couldn’t look away from the man.
“You’ve been here awhile. That means you must’ve found them.”
“Found who?” Tam summoned the last vestiges of his strength and stood tall once more, allowing him to gaze down at the peculiar man.
The stranger did not answer, he only continued looking at Tam in that unnatural way, with a white light moving behind his eyes that instantly made Tam say:
“You’ve been to the Forest of the Afterlife. Your eyes are like my da’s.”
The man smiled, the first glimpse of friendliness in him. But Tam remained wary.
“Yes. I’ve met your father. He’s a funny sort. I look forward to seeing him again.”
Tam swallowed. “You aren’t… You aren’t human.”
The man shook his head in confirmation.
“Are you one of the Gods…?”
The man crossed his arms patiently, though his smile faded. “In a way. I came into existence with them, and I will disappear one day with them as well.”
Tam knew who the man was. It was on the tip of his tongue, but the realization was making it harder to speak…
“I am death’s carriage driver. Or simply Death, if you will.”
Tam felt his face go pale. “Am I dying?”
The carriage driver shook his head once more. “Do you see my cart with me?”
The answer did nothing to settle Tam’s nerves. “What are you doing here then?”
“Do you know where ‘here’ is?” Death asked with a chuckle.
Tam’s hands moved to his pockets. “Not really.”
Death nodded. “This is a place of everything… and nothing. You’ve probably heard noises and found some smells, as well as felt things around you. It’s also a place where there is nothing. Nothing but you—and me at present.”
“Why does a place of nothing exist?” Emotions swelled in Tam as for the first time in his life, he learned more of this void that haunted his dreams.
“Sometimes lost souls need time to rest in a nothing place. It is not unlike the Grove of Sorrows where those who lived a terrible life will spend time repenting their actions after dying.”
“I come here because of my magic… Is that my ability? To travel to a nothing place?”
“In a manner of speaking. There is more to it than that.” Death smiled again, more to himself than Tam as he started to pace. “You’ve been struggling with your magic pulling you here for some time.”
Tam watched Death move but remained rooted to his spot. “I have. It’s been hell.”
Death laughed at that. “You have no idea about hell.”
“Isn’t it reliving your own worst days over and over again until you understand what you did wrong? Isn’t that what happens in the Grove of Sorrows?” the future duke speculated with a frown.
“That is hell, yes… But you haven’t had to do that, have you? You simply rest here for a while.”
“Why do I get dragged here?” Tam could hear his heartbeat in his ears.
Was he really going to get all the answers to his magic? Without having to subject himself to testing and Gods knew what else…?
“If not here, where do you want to be?” Death returned instead of giving a direct answer.
Tam couldn’t even bring himself to reply for a moment—the question incited outright fury. “Out in the world where my friends and family are! Where my son is! People are counting on me and— Godsdammit, I wanted to do things right! I wanted to be able to do things alone, and not have this happen for once!”
Death stared calmly up at Tam. “Do you really?”
“What?”
“Do you really want to be out there?”
“Of course I do! Of course I—”
Death held up his hand then continued his pacing while gazing around the void pleasantly. “Tell me, do you feel absolutely certain, without a shadow of a doubt, that you want to be back where you were?”
Tam opened his mouth to loose another tirade, but his voice died in his throat as realization dawned on him.
Every time he struggled with his magic… he had wanted to disappear.
To hide from people for one reason or another. Whether it was an awkward public event with his parents or an uncomfortable one-on-one encounter, he would focus on the floor to stop feeling overwhelmed by everything around him.
The very first day he disappeared into the void, he had been playing hide-and-seek with Kat. She had always been able to find him, and as a result, she’d taunt him endlessly. Tam had wanted to disappear then. He hadn’t even wanted to play. He had just wanted to sit in the shade with a book and some snacks, and not be teased… And then he’d simply appeared in the void.
The only time he could say that he didn’t want to disappear had been this time. Right after he had scared off those men that were following Eli. His brows twitched to a frown.
“I really don’t want to be here right now. I want to be back with everyone.”
“Oh? You want to be back alone with the woman who seems to have rejected your advances? In the street after you saved her? After she saw your black eyes and would have to take care of you or pity you?”
An awful feeling spread through Tam’s chest.
“But—but Luca…”
“Ah. That child. That child you are afraid of loving because of what he may be, and yet you love all the same.”
Tam’s eyes snapped up. “Is Luca the devil?”
Death stopped pacing, but he didn’t turn around to look at Tam, whose gaze bore into Death’s frail back.
“That answer shouldn’t matter.”
Tam strode over and faced Death, his eyes flashing. “That’s ridiculous. The devil has tortured and hurt people. He has done horrible things, and might be plotting to do even worse. Wasn’t it the Gods who told my father that Kat or myself would help a being they care about?”
“They never said that being was the devil,” Death pointed out, unbothered by Tam’s impassioned questioning.
“Then is it the first witch? Or yourself that one of us will help?”
Death didn’t respond at first as he stared at Tam, his ethereal eyes unblinking. “Is there anything you aren’t afraid of?”
Tam chewed the side of his tongue before he looked away. He could tell that he wasn’t going to get a straight answer.
“So I should just live impulsively like my sister? Love a child who could be the devil, despite what might happen down the road?”
Again, Death did not offer a response.
“How do I get out of here? I just decide I don’t want to be?”
“That helps… But have you decided where you would like to be?”
Tam paused. “How much time has passed outside of this void?”
Death shrugged ambiguously. Tam wanted to grab him by the lapels and shake him into being less infuriating, but knew this would be futile.
Instead, he reached up and rubbed the back of his neck while letting out an aggravated breath.
“Why did I never see you in the void before? Or my own body?”
Death smiled but said nothing. Then he turned and started walking away.
“What am I supposed to do now?”
“You’re a smart man, Tamlin Ashowan. You’ll figure it out.”
Taking two long steps with the intention of sprinting after Death, Tam found that he wasn’t able to. At some point, he had blinked, and Death had disappeared as though he’d never been there at all.
“Dammit… Dammit… Dammit…” Tam doubled over.
After allowing himself to agonize over his situation for another few moments, however, he pushed himself back up straight.
“Given what he told me, I need to want to be back with everyone. Completely.” Tam closed his eyes and tried to envision the house he, Eli, Luca, Bong, and Jeong were staying in, but the instant he imagined it he felt anxiety gnaw at his gut.
He already had an inkling what his assistant would say to him about their kiss. She had started to trust him, and she wanted to sleep beside him because she most likely had been living in unsafe places for years… She had been trying to say she felt safe with him, and he’d gone and betrayed her.
Knowing Eli, she wouldn’t even be angry with him. She’d merely apologize for not being able to return his feelings (when she most definitely did not need to), and that would be the end of it.
Tam recoiled even at the thought of that awful conversation.
Giving his head a shake, he refocused onto Luca who was thoughtful and kind, and who obviously idolized Tam when he shouldn’t. Luca who was just a little boy in a situation no child should have to be in.
Tam lowered himself to the ground with a long exhale.
It was going to be a lot harder than he’d realized to sincerely convince himself how much he wanted to face his troubles. The whole incident with the men following Eli had been the catalyst, but the events leading up to it had already primed Tam’s magic to explode—like kindling to a flame. Yes, he did want to be responsible, fair, and good when facing life’s trials. But the part of him that wanted to scurry away and hide in a room with his books lingered.
“Gods… I really am such a coward.”