Chapter 18
On Thursday, we find the beginning of a footpath that leads from my grounds—from in front of the garage—down to the village. Stefano told us about it but it hasn’t been used for so long it’s almost completely overgrown. The plan is to clear it to create a shortcut to our favorite café.
Theo walks at the head of our group, slashing at the brambles with a sickle we found in one of the outhouses. A few steps behind him, I prune what he missed with a pair of secateurs. Behind me comes Archie, then Mabel, with Callum bringing up the rear.
We pass the ruins of a laborers’ cottage—with its own stable block—which I’ve seen on the deeds but is almost completely overgrown with brambles and bamboo. I try not to think about how long it’ll take for the path we’re clearing to be reclaimed by nature.
It’s early afternoon and the hottest time of the day. I wipe the sweat from my forehead and notice that Theo is developing a damp patch on his back. As he swings his blade from side to side, he lets out a little grunt.
“It’s like watching Indiana Jones,” I joke.
“Hardly,” quips Theo. “And didn’t Indiana Jones have a whip, not a sickle?”
“I’ve no idea but you look very manly.”
“Urgh, will you two stop flirting?” complains Callum from behind us.
“It’s gross!” agrees Mabel.
Defiance cuts through me. I think about Wilf and Arnaldo, having to hide their love away. “Guys, you shouldn’t say things like that. Your dad and I have every right to express our feelings for each other.”
Callum scoffs. “I didn’t know we were coming on a Gay Pride march.”
My defiance surges. “Actually, Gay Pride marches are important. For years, couples like us were made to feel ashamed of who we were. Remember it was a gay couple who owned this house before us. And if you think the boys at school can be savage, imagine what kind of things people said in those days.”
Before he can reply, into our path lands a snake. It just appears from the bushes and slides to a stop before us.
Instinctively, Theo and I jump back.
“Bloody hell!” he bursts out.
I howl in terror.
The kids lean forward, peering around us.
“What is it?” asks Callum.
The snake’s coiled up but must be more than a meter long. It’s dark green, with black markings. We’re so close I can see its scales.
When Mabel registers what it is, she screams, louder than I’ve ever heard her scream.
“It’s OK,” says Theo, reverting to his usual calm. “Stay still and nobody panic.”
We do as he says and the snake slithers off, into the bushes on the other side.
“It was only a grass snake,” Theo’s quick to reassure us. “I know it was a shock but it couldn’t have done us any harm.”
Mabel, however, has gone into some kind of panic, breathing in and out shallowly and frenetically. “Oh my god, we nearly died. Oh my god, we nearly died. Oh my god, we nearly died.”
Archie ignores her. “Can we go into the bushes and find it?” he asks, tugging on his dad’s hand.
“No, squirt,” says Theo. “I think it wants to be on its own.”
Theo tries to calm Mabel down but she won’t listen to him. She just continues repeating the same line. “Oh my god, we nearly died.”
Soon, Callum is irritated. “Mabel, will you stop being such a drama queen?”
“Right, let’s all just stop and have a minute,” Theo commands.
After a short discussion, we decide that I’ll walk back with Mabel and Archie. I’ll take them to the village via the usual route, through the olive grove and down the winding road. Theo and Callum, meanwhile, will continue clearing the footpath and meet us in our usual café.
For the entire walk—which lasts about half an hour—Mabel refuses to say a word.
Archie, however, takes hold of my hand and merrily skips along, telling me everything he knows about snakes—most of which he learned from a pack of Top Trumps.
“That’s brill, Archie!” I gush, keen to encourage him. “You’re so clever!”
When we reach the village and arrive at the café, Mabel connects to the Wi-Fi and gets straight on the phone to her mum.
I order everyone a soft drink and find a table on the terrace.
As soon as Theo and Callum arrive—looking triumphant but sweaty and covered in leaves, thorns and pollen—Mabel thrusts the phone at Theo.
He sighs and slumps onto one of the plastic chairs. “Alright, Kate?”
“Theo, what’s going on?” Kate blasts over the speaker. “Apparently you’ve just been attacked by a snake. And last night Callum got drunk—no doubt on one of Adam’s bottles of booze.”
Something snaps inside me.
“Kate …” Theo begins. But he stops. And he throws his hands in the air, as if in surrender.
“Come on,” Kate pushes, “I want to hear what you’ve got to say.”
“What can I say?” Theo replies. “What difference would it make?”
“Look, I’m worried about my children,” Kate steams on. “As a mother, I’m perfectly entitled to be concerned about their welfare. And I’ve got to be honest, I think Adam’s a negative influence.”
At that point, I stop listening.
All that matters is that Theo is just sitting there, stabbing at the ice in his drink. He doesn’t defend me at all.
“Why didn’t you stand up to her?” I bark, when Theo and I are alone in our room. “You didn’t stand up to her at all!”
Theo flops back on the bed. “Oh, Ads, I just felt so defeated.”
He lets out a shaky sigh and I can tell how much he’s suffering. But I’m so gripped by anger—an anger that’s been building ever since the phone call—that I can’t stop myself.
“Defeated or guilty?” I fire back, pacing around next to the bed. I’m only wearing my underpants but it doesn’t occur to me to hold in my stomach.
Theo turns to face me. “What does that mean?”
I stop and look him in the eye. “Theo, it’s obvious you feel guilty about leaving Kate. Go on, deny it!”
He sits up and smooths down his shirt. “I do feel guilty about lying to her. Although if I hadn’t, we wouldn’t have the kids so I don’t know what to make of that. I don’t think I feel guilty about leaving her. Maybe just some of the details. Maybe the timing.”
I shake my head. “Brill! So your parents have got through to you.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just … I don’t know, it’s complicated.”
I gasp dramatically. “‘It’s complicated’. Where have I heard that before?” Pretty much every single time a bloke has dumped me, I say to myself.
Theo shuffles towards me on the bed. “Ads, what do you mean?”
I tuck my hands under my armpits. “Look, Theo, this isn’t complicated at all. It’s perfectly simple: if you hadn’t left Kate when you did, you wouldn’t have met me. So do you regret meeting me? Is that what you’re saying?”
He stands up. “Bloody hell, Ads, that’s not what I’m saying. That’s not what I’m saying at all.”
But I’m so angry I hardly take it in. “Bullshit, Theo! You’re ashamed of me. You’re just not brave enough to say it!”
Theo walks down the little staircase to shut the door so the kids won’t hear. “Ads, I’m sorry about earlier,” he says, calmly. “You’re right, I should have stood up to Kate.”
But I don’t register his apology. And now I’ve pulled the cork on my feelings, I can’t stop them splurging out. “Oh, this is all such a nightmare. This whole trip’s a disaster. Callum and Mabel hate me.”
Theo starts tugging off his clothes. “They don’t hate you, Adam. It’s just hard for them. I expect it is for all kids who have a parent that gets a new partner.”
I roll my eyes dramatically. “It’s not like we had an affair! It’s not like I stole you off Kate! And it could never have worked between you two, anyway!”
Theo stuffs his clothes in the laundry bag. He’s wearing only his briefs, but I don’t even notice his body.
“I know, but they’re still getting used to having a gay dad.” A note of testiness enters his voice. “It doesn’t help that their friends have been teasing them about it. Their world’s been turned upside down.”
I lean into him. “I understand that, Theo! But when are you going to understand that you couldn’t have carried on sacrificing your own happiness?”
Now it’s Theo’s turn to snap. “Couldn’t I? Isn’t that what a parent’s supposed to do? Make sacrifices? Put their kids first?”
Red mist clouds my vision. “Aha! Now we’re getting down to it! So you do feel guilty! You are ashamed of me!”
He hurls the laundry bag back into the corner. “I’m not, Adam! Bloody hell, I’m not ashamed of you!”
I go back to pacing the room. “You know, it’s no wonder the kids hate me. They can probably sense it. They can probably sense that you resent me ever coming into your life!”
“Adam, that’s not true!” Theo lowers himself onto the bed. He looks like a broken man—and I hate myself for attacking him.
I know I’m driving him away. But for some reason, I’m compelled to keep going.
“Why don’t you just leave, Theo? It’s obvious you want to dump me. Why don’t you just put both of us out of our misery?” I can hardly believe those words are coming out of my mouth. As a shocked silence sets in, they almost crackle in the air between us.
But I realize I’m slipping into an old pattern and part of me wants Theo to leave me.
Because at least then I could relax. It’d be like unclenching a fist, a fist I’ve been clenching ever since he and I got together.
And I could go back to normal, to being dumped and on my own, just like I always am.
But another part of me is desperate to avoid that. Another part of me knows that’s not what I want at all. It’s the last thing I want.
No, I won’t let it happen. I need to end this argument before I do any more damage.
“Sorry, Theo. I didn’t mean that. Just ignore me. I only said it because I’m upset.”
He kneads his face with the heel of his hand. “That’s OK. I think we’re both are.”
I sigh heavily. “Let’s call it a day.”
He nods, somberly.
“Let’s go to bed before we say anything else we might regret.”
Theo looks at me, his face etched with sadness. “Alright, deal.”
I lie down with my back to him and close my eyes.
I try not to think that Wilf’s letters to Arnaldo—relating their struggle to be together—are hidden under the bed.