Chapter 24
Theo and I are sitting on our bed. Spreading out around us are the photos of Wilf and Arnaldo, Wilf’s three letters, and the stone inscribed with their names. I wanted to go first with my revelation as I wanted to get it off my chest.
As he sifts through the photos, Theo’s mouth hangs open. “Ads, these are amazing.” He grabs his reading glasses and opens one of the letters.
“They’re about how they met in Manchester,” I comment. “How everyone turned on them and they had to fight to be together. It’s really upsetting but quite inspiring, too.”
“It’s like the missing piece of the jigsaw,” Theo observes. “Now everything makes sense.” He looks up from the letter. “I want to read these properly. It sounds like there’s a lot to take in.”
I scratch the side of my nose. “Yeah, sorry, that’s kind of why I didn’t tell you about it sooner. I just needed a bit of time to get my head round it.”
“You don’t need to explain.” Theo removes his glasses and his face darkens. “I’ve put off telling you something, too. And when you hear it, I’m worried you’ll be mad at me.”
Fear pricks at my insides. “Why? What is it?”
Theo rubs at the little marks left by his glasses. “Ads, I cheated on Kate.”
His words bust the breath out of me. “W-what? When?”
“When Mabel was a toddler,” he answers, grimly. “It was only a one-off and I’m not proud of it. I’m actually really bloody ashamed.”
I snatch a breath. “I can’t believe it. You’re going to have to tell me exactly what happened.”
He puts the letter back in the envelope.
“It was when I was in London for a work conference. On the last night, a few of us went out in Soho for some drinks. It was early summer so we were standing outside a pub and I kept seeing all these gay men walking past, in couples and groups of friends. I wanted to follow them, I wanted to join them, and as soon as the idea entered my head I just couldn’t resist. So I told everyone I was tired and going back to the hotel, but I walked down the street and slipped into a gay bar.
And it was weird: I was only in there for five minutes and all these men started chatting me up and flirting. ”
“That doesn’t surprise me. You’re hot.” I give him a smile but immediately regret making light of his story.
“Anyway, I got talking to this American guy who seemed nice and was staying in a hotel nearby.” Theo pauses and pain skitters across his face. “You know what, let’s skip the details and just say I went back to his hotel and woke up there the next morning.”
“OK,” I say, gently. “I don’t need to know more.”
Theo starts wringing his hands. “And I felt terrible about it. Absolutely bloody terrible. So as soon as I got home I told Kate. Except I didn’t tell her it was a man—I just couldn’t. So I changed the pronouns and told her it was a woman.”
So that’s what he meant when he said it was complicated.
“And what did she say?” I ask. “How did she react?”
He exhales shakily. “She was devastated, completely broken. Then she got angry and threatened to tell the kids—and my parents.”
My eyes widen. “And did she?”
He goes back to wringing his hands. “No, she calmed down and eventually forgave me. We agreed to work on the marriage and give it another go.”
I inch closer to him. “But Theo, that was your chance. You could have saved yourself so much torment if you’d taken it and broken free.”
He frowns. “But I wasn’t ready. And the circumstances wouldn’t have been right: I hated myself for what I’d done.”
“And let me guess—Kate made you feel grateful to her for forgiving you.” I realize my lip’s curling. I wipe the bitterness from my face.
“She didn’t make me feel grateful,” Theo corrects me. “I was. Not everyone would have done that, Ads.”
I tip my head to one side. “Fair point. I’ll give her that.”
Theo lays his hands flat on the sheets. “Anyway, Kate had always wanted a third baby so we agreed to start trying. She thought it would bring us closer together.”
“I bet she did,” I’m tempted to add, but stop myself.
“And when Archie arrived,” Theo goes on, “in a funny way it did.”
It dawns on me that this really is complicated. I let out a long breath. “I guess it’s like you said the other day: you can’t regret your actions if they’re the reason you have kids.”
“Exactly. And I was so happy to have Archie in my life, I just pushed my feelings down again. But sooner or later they came bubbling back up to the surface.” He breaks off and smooths out a crease in the sheets. “And, well, you know the rest.”
My eyes settle on the new laundry basket that’s overflowing. I’d do the washing myself but promised to leave it to Theo.
I turn back to face him. “But Theo, there’s one thing I don’t understand.”
He looks up. “What’s that?”
“Why are you telling me now? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
Theo mistakes my curiosity for disapproval. “I’m sorry, Ads. I didn’t mean to lie to you.”
I shake my head. “You didn’t lie to me, Theo. What you said was the truth: you just simplified it and missed out some detail.”
“But I did lie to Kate.”
“Yeah, but that was only to spare her feelings. And what you did wasn’t the cause of the problem: it was only a symptom of it. The problem in your marriage was you were gay.”
He rubs his jaw. “Yeah, well, I’m not going to argue with that.”
I inch even closer, so our knees are touching. “You know, if Kate thinks you cheated on her with a woman, it might have made things harder for her. It might have made her think your relationship stood a chance.”
Theo drags a hand through his hair.
“Maybe you need to tell her the truth,” I add.
I spot a wince in his eyes. “Yeah, but I can hardly do that at the moment. Not when she’s on the warpath and lashing out at every opportunity. That’s why I’m telling you now—so you know all the background.”
“No, but maybe if she knew the truth she’d be less angry. And less inclined to lash out.”
He nods, slowly. And I can see just how much he’s hurting, just how much he’s blaming himself.
I take hold of his hand. “You know, you’ve got to be easier on yourself, Theo. You’re a good man.”
He squeezes my hand. “Am I? Am I really?”
“Yes. And I love you for it. Come here.” I open my arms and he leans into them.
As I kiss his hot, clammy forehead, I realize that knowing his story has given me a much clearer picture of his feelings. I understand now why he wouldn’t stand up to Kate. And I don’t resent him for it at all.
More than anything, I want to alleviate his guilt. But I know the only way this would happen is if he told Kate the truth. And, reluctantly, I have to accept that right now, that just isn’t possible.