3. 2012, Part II
J ulia lugged two suitcases upstairs to her old bedroom in her parents’ house. In a way, it was comforting to be back here in these somewhat shabby, close quarters. All the clean space on the Peninsula had always made her nervous.
Through the bedroom window, Julia caught sight of her son Robert playing alone on the back patio with his new remote-controlled car. She found her daughter’s backpack already on one of the twin beds, but no sign of Paige herself. With her pulse pounding in her throat, she dropped the suitcases on the floor and ran to the living room.
Her mother came upstairs then, and Julia croaked, “Mom–”
“She’s downstairs, watching TV.”
Relief made Julia weak, and she flopped onto the sofa. Her mother emerged a moment later from the kitchen with a cup of tea, which Julia accepted.
“You look terrible,” her mother said, taking a seat alongside Julia.
Julia absently swirled the tea bag in the cup. “Thanks.”
“Cioppino and bread for dinner, once you all get settled in,” her mother offered gently. “I brought some home from the restaurant last night.”
Cioppino. Had she really forgotten? She must have; Julia knew her mother could not have been so insensitive at a time like this on purpose.
Julia must not have had her poker face on, because her mother said, “Between the church rummage sale and getting the house ready for you guys, I didn’t have time to go to the store.”
“Of course not,” said Julia, patting her mother’s knee with a pang of guilt. “You and Dad are so good to put us up here while my house sells.”
Her mother waved her hand, as if it were nothing. “You can stay here forever, as far as I’m concerned.”
“The least I can do for you guys is make a run to the grocery store, so we’re not eating you out of house and home. I’ll pick up something for dinner.”
“Can you get my Metoprolol from the pharmacy while you’re there?”
“Anything you need, Mom. Just make a list.”
After finishing her tea, Julia rose from the couch to go unpack her suitcase, and her mother said, “I forgot to tell you that Alison is coming for dinner tonight.”
Julia felt some of the weight lift from her shoulders, and smiled. It would give her something to look forward to. She didn’t dread talks with her sister the way she did with her mother.
While her mother drew up a shopping list, Julia returned to the bedroom to unpack her suitcase. She could never trust Paige to stay at home with her mother while she went to the grocery store. And Paige would put up even more of a fuss if Julia singled her out but allowed Robert to stay home. There was no way around it – she’d have to bring both of them with her.
As she laid the folded clothes in the dresser, she caught sight of herself in the mirror. Her cheeks were hollow gorges. Dark smudges ringed her eyes, and her scalp had sprouted three gray hairs. But there was nothing she could do about it right now. Dinner was only a couple of hours away.
After her mother handed her the shopping list, Julia dragged herself downstairs to the in-law unit. It was as musty as ever, and the only light came from the TV screen, where scantily-clad female backsides gyrated to a skull-throbbing beat. Paige slouched in front of it on the old sofa that had once lived upstairs when Julia was a kid.
“Grandma needs her medicine and some groceries for dinner,” Julia began wearily. When Paige said nothing, she added, “We’re all going together.”
“ I’m not,” Paige replied, scowling at the TV screen. The dark hair she had pulled back into a ponytail still bore traces of the magenta dye that Julia had made her wash out.
Julia snatched the remote and switched off the TV. “I’m afraid you are.”
Paige sucked her teeth and threw herself back against the sofa cushions. “Why can’t you just let me stay here by myself?”
“We discussed this after the last time you ran away.”
“I told you, I’ll never do it again.”
“I know you won’t, because you’re coming with us. Besides, this way you can pick what you want from the grocery store. Otherwise you’ll have to put up with what I buy for you.”
Julia guessed, correctly for once, that such an argument might hold some sway with a thirteen-year-old. But that didn’t stop Paige from grousing the whole way over the indignity of having to accompany her family.
And she was in rare form that day. Four-year-old Robert was more than happy to practice reading labels, pull items off the shelf, and drop them into the shopping cart. But Paige spent the entire time complaining about everything from the temperature in the store, to the paleness of the strawberries, to the fact that the milk did not expire late enough for her.
In line at the pharmacy, Paige shoved a six pack of silver and red cans in Julia’s face. “Mom, can I get some of these energy drinks?”
“Is that a joke?”
“All the kids at school drink it.”
“If ever there was an argument for you not to, that’s it.”
“Why not?” Paige demanded.
“If all the kids are drinking it, then I feel very sorry for the teachers who have to try to teach them something.”
“Jesus, Mom; I thought you said I should come with you so I could pick whatever I want. Are you just going to say no to every fucking thing?”
“Watch your mouth! Where did you pick up language like that?” hissed Julia, glancing around to see if anyone else had heard them.
But unfortunately, someone had heard them. Someone who was almost the last person Julia would ever have wanted to hear them.
Ann Quinn stood in the antacid aisle, gaping in disgust at Paige. She looked up, searching for the mother of this profane creature. When she spotted Julia, her mouth snapped shut and her eyes narrowed.
Julia drew herself up and swallowed the lump rising in her throat. And then Robert ran up to Julia, waving a small box with colorful fruit pictured all over it. “Mommy, can I have these candies?”
Before Julia had time to register Robert’s mistake, Paige startled her with a loud guffaw. “I’d check that word again if I were you, Robert. Those aren’t candies – they’re flavored condoms!”
While Paige convulsed in laughter, Ann’s eyes locked on Robert in surprise. More than surprise – shock, really. Julia had just a moment to wonder – did Ann know that she now had a son? Ann’s jaw tightened, and her grim eyes met Julia’s again.
Well, thought Julia. Now she knows.
Julia snatched the condoms from Robert and recovered enough of her voice to say, “Put those energy drinks away, Paige.” She fled the line at the pharmacy and was useless for the rest of the shopping trip, unable to find anything on the shelves. As her children sensed weakness, their unruly behavior escalated. Finally, only part of the way through her mother’s shopping list, she gave up and steered the cart into the checkout line, training her gaze to the ground, determined to avoid any further contact with Ann or anyone else in the store.
As usual, Julia heard her sister before she saw her. Loud indie rock blared through the open window of Alison’s car as she parked. She slammed the door, clip-clopped up the walkway and burst into their parents’ house, bellowing, “Where’s my baby sister? I come bearing fat, sugar, and booze. ”
Julia left Robert with his remote-controlled car on the back patio and made her way inside to the entry hall. Alison carried a pastry box and a paper bag from a liquor store in one arm, kicked off her shoes, and flung the other arm around Julia’s shoulders.
“How are you holding up?” Alison whispered into her ear.
Julia shrugged. “I hope you brought gin.”
Their mother appeared then at the top of the stairs. “No booze talk, please. The neighbors might hear you.”
“Oh, stop the presses! I can see the headlines about you now, Mom: ‘Karen Dunphy – head of an Irish family that drinks!’” retorted Alison. She gave Julia’s arm one supportive squeeze before springing upstairs to suffocate their mother in a bear hug. Robert bounded inside from the back garden to clamor around Alison for the pastry box, and Julia’s mother whisked Alison’s mystery bottle off to the kitchen.
Amidst the din, Alison said to Julia, “Paige is hiding?”
“Downstairs, with her easel.”
“Should I even try?”
“I don’t think even you can breach that armor tonight. You’re welcome to try, though.”
“Give me a job,” Alison insisted. “Anything.”
Julia considered. “Help Mom make dinner, and put the kids to bed for me?”
Alison contemplated this for a moment, then threw back her shoulders with a plucky grin and called, “Mother, drinking alone is a sign of a problem!”
She swept into the kitchen, a nose-pierced, pixie-cut amalgam of punk rock and hipster. A welcome chaos to distract everyone from Julia and her problems.
It was Alison who rounded up her niece and nephew and shuttled them off to bed early, with only a few under-the-breath mutterings from Paige. She installed Julia on the back patio to nurse a gimlet, only permitting her inside to kiss Robert goodnight. Julia dared not open the door to the darkened room she shared with Paige.
When Julia returned to the patio, Alison clinked her glass against Julia’s and declared, “I deserve a ‘Cheers’ for a job well done.”
Once Julia settled into her chair, Alison did not beat around the bush. “Now, Julie. Tell me everything I don’t already know. Where’s Kevin?”
“Ecuador, this time.”
Alison shook her head in dismay. “Why can’t he just leave you for another woman, like a normal man? Was he going to sneak off and put you in a bind, like last time?”
“No, this time he had the decency to let me know he was leaving.”
“Christ, Julie. Why am I only hearing about this now? Why did I have to hear about it from Mom?”
Julia swirled the drink around in her glass, but said nothing.
“You thought I’d say, ‘I told you so,’” Alison ventured. “I gave you a hard time when you reconciled with him. I guess I can’t blame you for not confiding in me.”
“You were right, though.”
“No. You had reasons for doing what you did, and you had every right to expect it to go the way you thought it would. So then tell me – how exactly did all of this go down?”
“After he started writing his dissertation, he got a chance to do some more field studies in the Galapagos. He saw it as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, but it was going to take at least a year. There was no way me and the kids could come with him.”
“A year,” Alison echoed.
“Or more, maybe.” Julia took a sip from her glass. “You know that was just the final straw in a tall heap of straws. After we reconciled, he actually believed that having another baby would make everything better. But of course we’ve been pulling away from each other at least since Robert was born, if not before.”
“But how are you going to handle the divorce paperwork with him being in the Galapagos?”
“Already taken care of. With the postnup we signed, it’s pretty straightforward.”
“Thank God.” Alison swigged her gimlet and ventured, “What are your plans? Please tell me you’re not living with Mom and Dad forever.”
“No; I’m just here while the house is being staged and sold.” A motorcycle blasted down the street, drowning Julia’s voice. After it passed, she added, “I may just leave the Bay Area completely. ”
“Why? Your house will sell quickly. Between that and the investments, you can set up right here in the city.”
“I know. I have other reasons for wanting to make a fresh start.”
Alison was silent a moment, and Julia knew that she knew the one reason to whom she was referring.
“He doesn’t work at the restaurant anymore, Julie. He doesn’t even work at the processing plant. You’re not likely to see him.”
Julia did not know where to look or how to feel. Was she glad, or sorry? And – did she want to know where he was?
Reading her mind as usual, Alison said, “He’s doing that whale-watching thing.” When Julia continued silent, Alison added, “It worked out.”
Julia’s mind and heart were a riot of conflicting feelings which all settled on bittersweet. He made a go of it, and it worked out after all.
Alison seemed to sense that Julia needed a few moments. After gulping the last of her drink, Julia cleared her throat.
“I saw his mother in the grocery store today.”
Alison sat up straighter. “For real? How did that go down?”
Julia filled her in on all the gory details.
“Okay, that does sound brutal,” Alison acknowledged. “But why do you care what Ann Quinn thinks?”
“I don’t care so much what she thinks. It’s what he will think that bothers me.”
“Do you really think Ann would tell him?”
“I don’t know. Probably not. But if she does, I’m sure he’ll feel plenty of relief that he escaped being the stepfather of such a brat.”
Alison gave her an incredulous look. “That would be the last thought to cross his mind.”
“That’s right. Depending on what else she tells him, let’s consider everything from his perspective. Not only did I hurt him, but I then went on to have another child with my husband.”
“Julie, why don’t you let me talk to him?”
“About what?”
Alison put her hand over Julia’s. “Believe it or not, I’m still in touch with Mike from time to time. I can get to him through Mike. I can get him to talk to you. ”
But Julia shook her head. “He told me never to come back. He said he’d never believe another word I said.”
Alison looked pained. “Let me tell him everything.”
“No. I won’t put him on the spot like that. Especially not after all this time has passed. He has every right to hate me. I should leave him alone.”
Alison released Julia’s hand and leaned back in her seat. “As usual, I don’t understand your refusal to even consider the possibility of happiness. But hey, if that’s your choice, just don’t sit around pining for him for the next twenty years. You’ve got to live your life. And this time, make it your life.”
Julia frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about doing something for yourself, for a change. You have the freedom to do whatever you want in life, Julia. You owe it to the universe to do it.”
After her disastrous outing to the grocery store with the kids – after Alison delivered her admonishment, and went home – Julia had started the next morning with two open browser windows. One contained a search for “Castro Aquarium Service,” the other a search for “How to write a business plan.”
Soon, she had the barest skeleton of a business plan for a revived Castro Aquarium Service.
Julia wasn’t sure where her next act in life would play out. She didn’t want to take another paralegal position in the city, only to have to quit a short time later when she opened her aquarium business. Working at Dunphy’s had never been much more than a way to fill her time, feel useful, and earn a nominal wage. She certainly didn’t need the money anymore. But at a time like this, she desperately needed something to keep her mind off of herself, and her regrets.
Her father was always grateful for the help, so she didn’t anticipate any objection from him. But when she approached him that Monday morning on the subject, he gave her a quizzical look.
“As long as you’re prepared to steer clear of Cardone’s for a while,” he said. “Though I’m not sure how much help you’ll be to me if you can’t go over there.”
“For a while?”
“I can’t be sure how long it will last.”
“How long what will last?”
He looked at her like she was an idiot. “William working there.”
Julia’s jaw dropped. “Alison said he doesn’t work there anymore!”
He blinked. “I’m sorry, but I thought you knew.”
“Knew what?”
“Jim Quinn has esophageal cancer. He can’t work. Ann is out, too, taking care of him. William and Kelly are holding down the fort over there.”
“How long has this been going on?”
“Well, Jim was diagnosed about four months ago, but he really took a turn for the worse a couple of weeks ago. That’s when Ann took a leave of absence too, and William and Kelly took over.”
Julia tossed her hands in frustration. “Why would I have known about this?”
“I’m surprised your mother didn’t tell you. Is this going to be a problem?”
“Yes! I can’t work there if I’m going to bump into him every day.”
He lifted his newspaper again. “Whatever you think is best.”
Julia gaped at the crown of his head, visible over the top of the newspaper. “I’m sorry to hear about Jim.”
“So am I,” he replied without lowering the paper. “He’s going to die, you know.”
“He is?”
“Esophageal cancer has one of the worst prognoses. And then nobody knows what will become of the business. It might have to be sold. It doesn’t seem likely that Mike or William would want it. Maybe Ann and Kelly could keep it afloat.”
“That really makes me sad.”
Julia’s father nodded. “The end of an era.”
There didn’t seem to be anything left to say. Julia left him alone then, but as she considered what to do, she realized she didn’t know what was best .
She decided that, for now, she would go ahead and work at the restaurant. If she bumped into William by chance, so be it. She would not let him drive her away before she was good and ready to go, but she would not engineer any meetings between them.
Yet throughout her first two weeks at the restaurant, she found herself wandering out the back door and onto the pier. It was the spot where they had stood almost nineteen years ago, each of them courting the other, but neither of them really sure what was happening.
It was the same spot where they sat once again, nearly six years ago, the first time Kevin left. Gazing together across the water at a catamaran. Hinting at possibilities. It felt like it had happened moments ago, and yet she had no idea if the catamaran she saw now was the same one they had looked at then, or even whether she was looking for it in the correct slip. With a pang of grief, she realized that she had tried so hard to forget that she had actually succeeded.