4. 2
It was Irish pub rock, raucous and rollicking, with lyrics celebrating drinking, women, the working class, and Irish nationalism. But it was also practically an orchestra. Julia counted a mandolin, tin whistle, concertina, banjo, and bodhran amid the usual guitars and drums. After a while, she felt her spirits lifting and ordered another pint of beer.
Alison and Holly followed suit, and after a while even Julia laughed and joined in the conversation with them, shouting above the noise to be heard.
There was a pause in the set. ¨Iˇd like to let my brother do the honors for this next song, since he wrote it,〃 the lead singer said in a low voice, as if to bring things down a notch.
They played the intro to the song, more of a ballad than anything they had played previously, and a new voice piped up with the lyrics. A voice she knew like her own, singing lyrics she had just pulled out of a shoebox a few days ago. Lyrics she had read and re-read until she knew them by heart.
¨Julie, are you okay? 〃
Julia heard her sisterˇs voice, and sprang to her feet. She wove her way through the room, through the wide doorway and into the front room, and around the corner of the stage to stand in front of it.
Unless she was hallucinating, it really was him in center stage, playing the guitar and singing the lyrics he had written for her all those years ago. Around him stood Mike, who she now realized had been singing lead all this time, as well as bunch of other guys she didnˇt know.
Next to the ever-colorful Mike, William looked positively sedate, quietly playing and singing in a black Guinness T-shirt, with only his two black tattoos showing on his forearms. As she gazed entranced, he instinctively looked up and locked eyes with her.
The guitar screeched.
Hardly missing a beat, Mike stepped up and took over the vocals. William stepped back, stared down at the stage, and resumed strumming the melody, but did not try to sing again.
Mortified, Julia bolted back to the other room and snatched up her purse.
¨Julie, whatˇs the matter?〃 Alison said.
¨I have to leave. Please meet me outside. I donˇt want to walk home by myself.〃
She stumbled out the back door of the pub, emergency exit be damned. Ran around to the front of the building. Trembled uncontrollably as she waited for her sister.
Moments later, Alison burst through the front door. ¨I saw,〃 she said, gripping Juliaˇs arms to steady her.
¨He wrote that song for me.〃
¨He did?〃
Julia nodded.
¨Wow. Julie, if ever there was a sign of something that was meant to be, this is it. ˉOf all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world.ˇ〃
¨Alison, Casablanca ended sadly.〃
¨Oh, hell, Julie. You have to come inside. Talk to him.〃
¨Iˇm not going to make him mess up again.〃
¨Oh, that was you, huh?〃 Damn Alisonˇs cheeky grin. ¨Fine, Iˇll hide you from view. Hollyˇs still in there; we canˇt leave her alone. When the show is over, weˇll go talk to them. Iˇd love to catch up with Mike, anyway.〃
¨I bet you would.〃 But Julia shook her head. ¨Look, Alison, whatˇs the point? Heˇs a thirty year old who plays in a rock band. Iˇm a single mom. Actually, Iˇm still married, remember?〃
¨You still love him. And heˇs still singing about you. Youˇre getting a divorce. Whatˇs the problem?〃
Julia groaned in exasperation. ¨Iˇll come back in, for Holly. But I wonˇt talk to him.〃
¨Fine. Walk behind me. You donˇt want to make him fall off the stage.〃
Julia complied, hiding behind her sister as best as she could as she passed through the front room. When they got back to their table, Holly said, ¨Is everything okay?〃
¨Julia had a bit of a shock. Itˇs okay now,〃 said Alison.
But it wasnˇt okay. Julia twisted her glass in circles on the table top, blind and deaf to everything except the band playing in the next room. Knowing that their set would end at any moment, and her sister would try to make her go talk to him.
When it finally did end, and Mike made his plug to the audience, Alison rose from the table and said, ¨Shall we greet the band, ladies?〃
¨Oh,〃 said Holly, ¨do you know them?〃
¨In a manner of speaking.〃
Julia followed Alison and Holly reluctantly into the bar area. Alison led them quite deliberately in front of the stage, where the guys were packing up. She said something to Mike, whose face lit up in recognition.
¨Holy shit!〃 he cried, leaping off the stage and wrapping Alison in a hug. ¨Long time no see!〃
¨You remember my sister?〃
Mike turned to Julia with wide eyes. ¨Oh, wow. Hey, Julia.〃 He glanced back apprehensively at William, who occupied himself with wrapping up cords.
¨And this is Holly,〃 added Alison.
Mike shook Hollyˇs hand, then turned back to Alison with a big smile. Here he was, approaching his mid-thirties, wearing his hair in liberty spikes. If anything, he had only added to his collection of facial piercings over the years. He positively glinted with silver rings, studs, and bars.
¨Hey, let me get finished up here and then Iˇll come have a drink with you guys at the bar,〃 he said to Alison.
¨Oh, well, you canˇt very well leave the rest of the guys out of the fun. Let me buy you all a drink,〃 offered Alison.
¨Um okay, let me see what they want to do.〃
¨Great! See you at the bar.〃
Alison led Julia and Holly over to the bar. While she ordered them all another round of drinks, Holly leaned closer to Julia and said in a low voice, ¨That was your shock, wasnˇt it?〃
Holly turned toward William, still standing on the stage. Julia saw Mike whisper something, and William nodded.
When the band finished greeting their fans, signing autographs, and selling CDs, they packed their equipment and hauled it out of the pub. Then they all filed back inside, straight for the bar.
Mike introduced Alison to the group, and she announced, ¨Drinks are on me, guys.〃
After the cries of appreciation, most of the band hovered around Alison. The drummer came to talk to Holly. William took the empty seat beside Julia.
He did not talk to her, or even look at her. He leaned against the bar and watched the bartender work.
After a while, Julia said the only thing she could think of. ¨So youˇre in a rock band with your brother, after all.〃
He gave a single silent laugh, but still didnˇt look at her. Peeking out from underneath his collar, a thin gold chain caught her eye. If there was anything at the end of it, it was hidden inside of his shirt, below his collarbone. A collarbone that her fingertips recalled the sensation of with a twinge of muscle memory.
Screw this, thought Julia, starting to climb down from her barstool.
¨I canˇt play with them too often, but I do two or three shows a month.〃 He turned to look at her finally.
Julia slowly twisted herself back into her seat. ¨And you overcame your fear of public singing, I see. 〃
¨With a few exceptions, apparently.〃
Her face burned, and she looked away. Luckily, the bartender pushed their drinks across the counter. She took hers up, and took a big swig.
¨I also sell some of my photographs now,〃 he said after a moment. ¨At art shows, and on postcards, and things like that.〃
She wondered what his point was. Then she remembered one of the last times she had talked to him, when she told him to get a life, to stop inventing reasons why he couldnˇt do the things he loved to do.
She stared down at her drink and said awkwardly, ¨I think thatˇs great.〃
Another nerve-wracking silence ensued. Finally, she began twisting out of her seat again and said, ¨Well, I better 〃
¨Do you want to hear my idea?〃
¨What?〃
¨My idea. The other day, when I told you that I had one idea of something you could do with your degree.〃
Julia wasnˇt really sure she wanted to hear his idea of what she should do with her life, but she said, ¨Amaze me.〃
He twisted his glass around on the bar. ¨Whale-watching tours.〃
She smirked. ¨That again?〃
He knocked back half of his drink, and said nothing more.
¨Oh, shit,〃 she said. ¨Itˇs a good idea. It always was. Iˇm just not sure I have the personality for it.〃
He turned a wry smile on her. She reddened and said, ¨What a hypocrite I am.〃
He gave another little silent laugh. ¨You have more personality than I do. But I still get up on stage and sing.〃
She held up her hands in mock surrender. ¨Youˇre right. I just donˇt think anyoneˇs going to hire me to be their naturalist with an eight-year-old marine biology degree and no work experience.〃
¨What if someone would hire you? Would you do it?〃
¨I donˇt know. I do have to earn a living and support my daughter. Thatˇs a legitimate concern, more than the one about my personality.〃
She felt irritable, having to explain this to him. She wanted to snap at him that this was all a pipe dream. That the most she could hope for was to live to see her daughter make happier choices for herself. That not only did she not have the career she had always imagined, but she didnˇt have the man she loved, either. She was worse off even than her uncle had been.
I didnˇt come here to wallow in self-pity, she told herself. She got down from her chair for real now and turned a halfhearted smile on William.
¨Thanks for your concern.〃
She pulled on her coat as she pushed through the door, burst out into the cold air, and stormed down the sidewalk.
Then she heard the footsteps running behind her. Heard Hollyˇs voice cry, ¨Julia!〃
Julia spun to face her cousin. ¨Iˇll take your job, sight-unseen. When do I start?〃
She began in the mornings, Monday through Thursday. Learning to answer phones, to take messages. Getting drinks for clients in the waiting room. Ordering supplies. Assembling and binding petition packages for court. Making copies. Word processing documents. Nothing special, for a not-special salary.
Still, it kept her busy and, along with the evening job she continued at Dunphyˇs, it took her mind off of her problems. And after her abortive culinary and marine biology careers, it was gratifying to know that she could be good at something, for a change.
It was also nice to socialize each day with people who were bright and a little quirky, like herself. They were all about the same age, and Hollyˇs paralegal, a Salvadoran woman named Graciela, took to Julia right away.
¨You know, I started right where you are today. As a receptionist,〃 Graciela told her one day while training her on the formatting of legal petitions.
¨You went to school though, didnˇt you?〃
¨Not at all.〃
¨Really? 〃
¨Someone smart and hard-working like you can work your way up to paralegal in a few years, and you can make a decent living, too.〃
Juliaˇs conversation with Graciela opened her eyes for the first time to the possibility of supporting her family on her own. She might have to move to the East Bay, or out of the Bay Area altogether, but the fact that it was within the realm of possibility gave her spirits an infusion of hope for the first time since Kevinˇs departure.
One afternoon at the end of Juliaˇs shift, Holly stopped by Juliaˇs desk.
¨Howˇs everything going for you, Julia? Personally, I mean.〃
¨Oh, you know. Itˇs going.〃
¨Are you happy with the legal help youˇre getting?〃
¨I guess so.〃
¨How long will the divorce process take?〃
Julia hole-punched some pages of the petition she was working on. ¨I havenˇt filed for divorce yet.〃
¨What?〃
Julia sighed. ¨I know.〃
With an effort, Holly closed her jaw, straightened herself. ¨Itˇs none of my business.〃
¨The lawyer told me that as long as I havenˇt filed for divorce yet, I can be selling things from the house to meet our living expenses. But if I try to sell anything after filing for divorce, it could be construed the wrong way, like Iˇm trying to abscond with the money or hide assets. And regardless, Iˇll have to hold on to half the proceeds of anything I sell, because heˇs legally entitled to half of it if he comes home.〃
¨But surely you can demonstrate that you needed to sell them in order to support Paige.〃
Julia shrugged. ¨Itˇs complicated. I just donˇt know what to do.〃
¨Well, if he ever does come home, do you have any intention of going back to him?〃
Julia considered. ¨I canˇt say Iˇd take him back out of love.〃
¨Then why would you go back to him?〃
¨Paige, I guess. She cries for him every day. I donˇt know what the effect is going to be on her long term if he doesnˇt come back.〃
¨Julia. What if he comes back, and then he leaves you all again? What will the effect be on Paige then?〃
Julia nodded. ¨I know. Youˇre right.〃
¨Well, like I said, itˇs none of my business. But listen, if you want a second legal opinion, our cousin Erin specializes in family law.〃
¨You mean crazy Aunt Brigidˇs daughter Erin?〃
Holly laughed. ¨I know there was some sort of beef between Rob and Aunt Brigid. But being a militant feminist hardly makes her crazy. And she raised a hella good family law attorney. Was this lawyer you consulted a man or a woman, by the way?〃
¨A man.〃
Hollyˇs jaw tightened. ¨You need a woman. Let me give you Erinˇs number.〃
That evening, her spirits lifted, Julia began thinking about her behavior toward William at the pub. She approached him in the break room at Dunphyˇs and said, ¨Can I talk to you for just one minute?〃
He looked surprised, but said, ¨Sure.〃
She beckoned him out the back door, to their old meeting spot on the pier, overlooking the boats.
¨I wonˇt keep you long,〃 she said. ¨I just wanted to apologize.〃
¨For what?〃
¨For being so rude the other day at the pub. I know you were just trying to help, and I like your idea about the naturalist thing. Iˇll add that to my list of long-term possibilities. But right now I have to focus on more immediate prospects.〃
¨Do you have any leads?〃
¨Actually, I started a job already. Itˇs just a part time receptionist and legal secretary job with my cousin Holly, but itˇs a place to start. Now if I could just get a job with a good family law attorney. Then maybe I could get free legal advice.〃
At Cardoneˇs, workers hoisted totes of Dungeness crab from the boats and upended them into boiling tanks, right there on the pier. Julia ventured to ask, ¨How is your family doing these days? 〃
¨Same as ever. Kelly works over there now with them. Sheˇs a single mom now. She still lives at home, with her kids.〃
¨What about Mike?〃
¨Still Mike. Weˇre roommates, believe it or not.〃
She couldnˇt resist asking, ¨Where do you live?〃
¨Mission.〃
¨Oh. Very hip.〃
¨Donˇt say that to Mike. No worse insult, in his opinion.〃 After a momentˇs hesitation, he asked, ¨Whatˇs your last name now?〃
Startled somehow that he didnˇt already know, she replied, ¨Beale.〃
He processed it. Julia Beale. Quietly, he said, ¨I knew you were married to Kevin and had a daughter, because I saw the photos on the wall in your dadˇs office.〃
She could not maintain eye contact with him. What used to be a happy memory of that time of her life seemed so incongruous with the present. And his subdued tone of voice left little doubt as to how he had felt about it.
¨There really wasnˇt anything going on back then,〃 Julia blurted, then flushed when William held her gaze unflinchingly. ¨I mean we didnˇt start dating until two years later. I donˇt know why Iˇm telling you this, except〃 She folded her arms across her chest, shifted her weight. ¨I couldnˇt stand it if you thought I was dishonest with you back then.〃
The hardness in his eyes softened somewhat. Quietly, he said, ¨Is he ever coming back?〃
Her stomach lurched. ¨I donˇt know.〃
A long pause. Then, ¨Where is he?〃
¨I donˇt know.〃 She wondered how much detail to share with him. ¨They traced him as far as Brazil. We got a postcard from him, postmarked in S?o Paulo, saying that he just needed to get away. It was in his handwriting. Then itˇs like he just disappeared.〃
¨Could he have been kidnapped?〃
¨We wondered about that, but no one has demanded a ransom. His family certainly has the money to pay it, so we figure we would have heard from someone by now.〃
After a minute, he said, ¨Iˇm sorry.〃
¨Iˇm sorry that I canˇt sell the house or anything else while heˇs missing. And that he hurt my daughter so much.〃
There didnˇt seem to be anything left to discuss. It was such a surreal conversation, she was happy to be done with it, anyway. After a moment, she said, ¨Iˇd better go inside.〃
¨Julia.〃
His voice was unsteady, his face warped with apprehension. Finally, he pointed to the slips across the water.
¨Do you see that boat docked over there?〃
¨Yeah?〃
¨Thatˇs a catamaran. It has a double-hull, so itˇs more stable and smooth out on the open ocean. Good for carrying passengers.〃
¨Okay,〃 she said, unsure why he was telling her this.
He looked out at it and said quietly, ¨Itˇs for sale.〃
¨Are you thinking of buying it?〃
He shrugged. ¨Or something like it.〃
¨What are you going to use it for?〃 she asked, and instantly knew the answer. ¨Whale watching.〃
He turned to her now, his face sphinx-like.
¨William. Is that what all your questions were about in the pub? Asking me whether or not I would do it if someone would hire me?〃
He shifted his weight and looked back out at the catamaran.
¨Oh,〃 she said. ¨ Oh .〃
Against her better judgment, against her will even, her spirits soared. He was thinking of her. Making plans that involved her.
¨It will take a lot of time,〃 he said so quietly that she almost couldnˇt hear him. ¨I would have to get a license. Iˇd have to actually buy the thing. Weˇd have to make a business plan.〃
¨We.〃 She reddened, realizing she had said it out loud.
He turned a piercing gaze on her.
¨Give me a minute,〃 she said, sitting down right there on the pier.
To her further amazement, he sat down next to her. ¨If youˇll do it with me, youˇll be my business partner.〃
She took a few deep breaths. Collected herself. ¨Forgive me, but how are you going to buy a boat like that?〃
¨I saved most of the money I made in Alaska. 〃
Had he really made that much money? ¨William. Like I told you, I donˇt know if I have the time or the luxury to work on this. Also, my future is a bit uncertain right now. Iˇm still married. I donˇt know what will happen if he ever comes back.〃
¨Will you go back to him?〃