4. 11
¨You have to talk to someone.〃
¨I already know what your opinion is.〃 To Juliaˇs own astonishment, she cried uncontrollably. Her mother squeezed her hands.
¨Honey, Iˇm done lecturing you on all that. I just want you to be happy. And it sure looks to me like whatever youˇre doing right now is not making you happy.〃
¨Mom,〃 she said after a while, ¨no matter what happens, I love William with all my heart. But Iˇm just not sure anymore. I want to do the right thing, for everyone.〃
Her mother got up and went around to Julia. She knelt on the floor and drew Juliaˇs head down to touch hers.
¨I know what itˇs like to love someone with total abandon,〃 she said gently. ¨How else could I have put up with your father all these years?〃
In spite of herself, Julia laughed raggedly.
¨William is not a bad person; I know heˇs not,〃 her mother continued. ¨Iˇve seen and heard just as many good things about him as otherwise. If you didnˇt have Paige to worry about, I probably never would have objected to him. Maybe I shouldnˇt have opened my big mouth, anyway, but there it is. I just want you to be really sure, and thatˇs all Iˇm going to say about it.〃
Julia took another sip of tea. Her mother left her to herself while she finished making breakfast.
Then, before leaving for the hospital, she called William on his cell phone.
¨Iˇm sorry about the way I acted this morning,〃 she said, ¨and Iˇm sorry for what Iˇm about to say.〃
He hesitated. ¨Okay.〃
¨Iˇm going to spend the next few nights, at least, at my parentsˇ house. I just really need the support of my family right now.〃
There was a long pause. ¨Julie, I asked you if you wanted me to take off work for a while.〃
¨I know, but you canˇt really afford to do that.〃
¨Have you forgotten about my savings?〃
¨You shouldnˇt have to dip into that.〃
¨Itˇs a week or two. I can afford it.〃
Julia hesitated. ¨Will 〃
¨Damn it, Julie.〃 She had never heard him speak so angrily to her before. ¨Youˇve always run hot and cold on me. Decide what you want from me, and let me know.〃
He hung up.
When Julia walked into Paigeˇs unit, she found Kevin already there with her. They hadnˇt spotted her yet, so she hung back a while and watched them read a book together. She seemed so much perkier there with her father, so much like her old self, before Kevin abandoned them. To Juliaˇs astonishment, when she finally approached them, Paige broke into a wide smile that Julia hadnˇt seen since Kevin came back from Brazil.
Julia kissed Paige on the cheek. ¨You look happy.〃
¨Iˇm happy because you and Daddy are together again.〃
Alarmed, Julia turned to Kevin for some explanation, but he shook his head and looked just as alarmed. Julia decided not to contradict Paige. Not just yet, anyway.
But Julia was unable to shake her discomfort. Throughout the day, it was clear that Paige had gotten it into her head that her parents were back together. And it was even clearer that this idea gave her more comfort than anything had in weeks, if not months.
At the first opportunity, Julia pulled Kevin aside and said, ¨Where did she get this idea from?〃
¨I donˇt know, but I swear to you I didnˇt give it to her. The only thing I can figure is that sheˇs seen us together, and you told her things would be easier for her from now on. Maybe in her mind, that means us being together.〃 He rubbed his jaw thoughtfully. ¨How are we going to explain this to her?〃
Her stomach churned. ¨Maybe itˇs whatˇs best.〃
Cautiously, he said, ¨Whatˇs best?〃
Julia picked at her fingernails. ¨She seems so much better.〃
He said nothing for such a long time that she finally looked up again, to find him staring keenly at her.
¨Julia, what are you saying?〃
¨Iˇm saying give me a day or two to think really hard about whatˇs best for Paige before we tell her one way or the other.〃
Kevin looked as if he might fall over. ¨Of course.〃
¨If this is really what you want, weˇll have to pay off my lease. And I intend to keep working full-time from now on.〃
¨I understand.〃
¨And Kevin. I wonˇt do it unless you follow through with the postnuptial agreement first.〃
¨Of course. It can be done Monday. Iˇll make it happen.〃
She touched his arm. ¨Donˇt get your hopes up again like you did last time, Kevin. I have a lot of thinking to do.〃
He nodded. ¨I know.〃
She fidgeted with her fingernails again, not really aware of anything happening around her until she felt his hand slide across hers and close around it.
¨This would make everybody so happy,〃 he whispered.
Not me, she thought. And certainly not William.
But maybe it didnˇt matter anymore. Paige had made it clear that it was what would make her happiest. Somehow, in time, she could learn to be happy with her decision. She knew all of her reasons, and she would repeat them to herself over and over again.
That night at her parentsˇ house, the first phone call Julia made was to Alison.
¨I really need to talk to someone.〃
¨Oh, Julie can it wait until tomorrow night? I have a big order to deliver tomorrow. A wedding. Iˇm going to be working on it all night.〃
Julia hesitated. ¨Sure. Good luck with the order.〃
¨Iˇm sorry, Julie. Hang in there one more day.〃
After Julia hung up, she considered a moment, then dialed Hollyˇs number .
¨I desperately need to talk to someone. I donˇt suppose youˇd be up for a drink tonight?〃
¨Whatˇs the matter?〃
¨Iˇll tell you about it over drinks, if youˇll meet me at MacGowanˇs.〃
¨Julia Iˇm so sorry, but Iˇm giving a huge talk about violence against women at Stanford on Monday evening. Iˇm in over my head, preparing for this thing. Can it wait until Tuesday, or is it really an emergency?〃
Julia felt her heart sinking. ¨Sure, it can wait. Thatˇs very cool that Stanford invited you to give a talk. Good luck.〃
¨Thanks; Iˇm pretty psyched about it.〃
After they hung up, she tried to think of someone, anyone over the years that she could talk to, but she knew that none of the friends she had made on the Peninsula during the past ten years would understand.
Once she found her way upstairs to her old bedroom, she looked at the clock on the bedside table. Just after midnight. She pulled out her cell phone and found no message waiting for her.
She reached around behind her neck, unfastened the mermaid necklace, and closed it away inside the drawer of her bedside table.
On Monday night, after spending the day with the lawyers and getting back to her own house from the hospital, she made the call.
¨Can you come over for a little while? Iˇd like to talk.〃
¨Okay,〃 said William coldly. ¨What about?〃
¨We can talk about it when you get here.〃
When he arrived, he sat down in the armchair instead of on the sofa beside her. The icy look in his eyes told her he was still angry.
Itˇs just as well, reflected Julia. Maybe it will make it easier.
¨Listen, Will, this is the hardest thing Iˇve ever had to do in my entire life.〃
She watched the alarm, the suspicion, the disbelief cycle across his face, each in turn. He said, ¨Okay.〃
¨Weˇre going to have to go our separate ways. 〃
He stared at her as if she had slapped him across the face. ¨Are you breaking up with me?〃
She forced herself to hold his gaze. ¨Yes.〃
He sat frozen. After a moment, he said slowly, ¨Okay, Iˇm sorry. I shouldnˇt have yelled at you like that the other day. I was really angry, and but I shouldnˇt have done it. Iˇm sorry.〃
¨I understand why you were angry. Thatˇs not why I have to do this.〃
¨Then why?〃
¨This is what I think is best for Paige.〃
¨Why?〃 he demanded, frowning. ¨I think I deserve an explanation.〃
¨Will.〃 She drew a deep breath. Steeled herself. ¨She needs her own father.〃
If it was possible for him to look any more incredulous, he did. He tapped his foot on the floor, clearly growing more agitated by the moment.
¨Julie, Iˇm starting to believe you when you say youˇre losing your mind.〃
¨Since he first came back, heˇs made some good faith gestures to make amends for what he did. And most importantly, Paige seems much happier now that heˇs back in her life.〃
¨Please tell me youˇre joking.〃
¨No.〃
¨Julie, how can you honestly believe this is whatˇs best for Paige? Have you forgotten what he put you through? That he abandoned you and Paige out of the blue and left you to fend for yourselves with no resources? He did it once without warning; you know heˇll do it again.〃
¨No, I donˇt know that. But if he did, everything would be in my name.〃
¨But what if he does do it again? What effect do you think that would have on Paige?〃
She had no response for this.
¨And besides that, you led me to believe that you loved me, and that you donˇt love Kevin anymore. Has that changed?〃
¨I donˇt see how this is helpful.〃
¨Itˇs helpful because if you do love me, then Paige will be happiest when she sees her mother happy, as Iˇve said before.〃 He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his seat. ¨But maybe you donˇt love me. Maybe you never really did.〃
Her heart contorted with pain, but she said, ¨You have no idea how good it is to see Paige smiling again, and itˇs only because she believes that Kevin and I have reconciled. I couldnˇt cope with it if she ever does something to hurt herself again. If she grows up unhappy and out of control when I could have done something to make it better.〃
¨You didnˇt answer me.〃
¨Answer what?〃
¨You know what.〃 He fixed a piercing gaze on her, but she refused to let it rattle her. He gave a short, rueful laugh. ¨I donˇt think itˇs too far of a stretch to assume that you lied about loving me in the first place. You swore I would never lose you again, but you lied about that, too.〃
¨I did love you. I still love you.〃
¨Well then how can you do this to someone you love?〃
¨Because I love my daughter more.〃
¨Bullshit. If you did, you wouldnˇt lie to her and let her believe you love her father when you donˇt. Donˇt you think the best gift you can give your daughter is to let her see what a loving relationship looks like?〃
¨Do you think what weˇve had in the past couple of weeks can be called a loving relationship?〃
Her words stunned him to silence. After a moment, his expression softened. ¨Youˇre right. Weˇve been arguing too much lately about stupid things. Is that what this is really all about?〃 He came to sit beside her and took her hand in his. ¨Iˇve been thinking about changing shifts at work, to the lunch shift. If your dad wonˇt let me do that, then Iˇll get a new job. Something to give us more time together.〃
¨Why, so weˇll have more time to argue?〃 It grieved her to see him grasping desperately for something, anything. She drew her hand away. ¨Thatˇs not what this is about, Will. I gave you my honest reason up front.〃
The incredulous look returned to his face. He seemed to be waiting for her to say it was all a big joke. Waiting for her to say anything.
She said, ¨Iˇve gathered up your stuff and put it in a bag on the bed.〃
She watched with dread as the storm clouds gathered across his face. After a moment he sprang to his feet and crossed the floor to the bedroom. She heard before she saw him rifling through her jewelry box, and she ran to stop him, but not in time. He pushed past her to the bathroom and slammed the door in her face. By the time she got it open and reached frantically into the toilet, the ring was already gone.
¨Why did you do that?〃 she screamed.
¨You have no problem throwing me away, so what difference could a little diamond ring make to you? Unless thatˇs all you care about. Is that why youˇre going back to him? Because of his money?〃
¨No! If all I cared about was money, I could have it without him. I wouldnˇt take your money when you offered it.〃
¨Then what? Why are you doing this to me?〃 he shouted, his face reddening, his voice acquiring a peculiar note of strain she had never heard there before. To her horror, she realized that he was fighting back tears. Never in all their time together had she seen or even imagined him crying. The sight of it terrified her more than his anger did.
But just as quickly, his lifelong training took over. She watched him choke back the tears, and anger darkened his face again.
¨Iˇm not going to beg you,〃 he said quietly, his voice shaking. ¨If youˇre looking for someone to come chasing after you, Iˇm not that guy. And donˇt ever come back saying youˇre sorry, because I wonˇt believe you. Iˇm not giving you a third chance to break my heart.〃
He bolted into the bedroom and snatched up his meager bundle of belongings. She ran after him, put her hand on his arm.
¨Will, donˇt leave yet. Wait until you calm down.〃
He snatched his arm away and started toward the front door. Desperately, she grabbed at his shirt, at his collar. At anything she could get a hold of.
¨Will, youˇre going to hurt yourself,〃 she pleaded. ¨Youˇll hurt someone else.〃
But he wrenched himself from her grasp and stormed across the living room, down the stairs, out the front door. A moment later, she heard the motorcycle roar to life and peel violently away from the curb. Within seconds, even the sound of the pipes was gone.
She stood frozen in place for at least a minute afterward, paralyzed by a growing sense of dread. Then she spotted it, on the living room floor.
She went to pick it up. The chain had snapped, but the patron saint that had protected him all those years was still attached to it.
She bolted for the bathroom, knelt over the toilet just in time to watch the contents of her stomach spray into the bowl. There wasnˇt much in there to begin with, but her body didnˇt seem to realize that. She vomited green bile, and when that was all gone, she clenched the toilet bowl and dry heaved until faintness overcame the waves of nausea. She fell back against the opposite wall, her ears buzzing, her field of vision dimming, clammy sweat beading on her forehead.
But she didnˇt pass out. No, that would have been too welcome of a release. Instead, consciousness taunted her. She lay down on the cold tile of the floor and clutched his chain, too spent even to cry.