Chapter 13 #2
When she voiced shit like her brief attempt at a joke, the ball of anger, anxiety, and frantic drive to act had returned. Of course, I’d find my footing again, but the memory of the wreck of a male I’d been reduced to by her would linger and potentially mess with me at some point.
Part of that situation was her fault, but I couldn’t deny I was responsible as well. Although I’d rather go on a quest to exterminate a benevolent godling before I’d acknowledge responsibility and admit to some kind of regret, I allowed this rarity to happen.
Still, there was one truth. I and apologies never went well together since I always stood by my decisions and actions, even when these came back to bite me in the ass later.
There was no right or wrong when picking my path, just resolution, action, and reaction.
Noelk’s balls, I’d even handle the whole situation about my true identity precisely the same if I had to choose again. With one exception—definitely, I wouldn’t allow Nayana to escape, but that was hardly anything I needed to apologize for.
Once, I’d told her I was sorry, and that had been when I’d pushed her away and she’d gotten hurt because of me. Which had been an unfortunate accident, and thus I’d had no problem uttering the words she probably expected to hear now as well. “You blame me for keeping my secrets.”
“Partly, yes. Your lack of trust hurts, although I can understand why you don’t like running around announcing what vile things you did in your past. But you and me—well, joke’s on me for thinking our connection went deeper than that.”
“Now you’re unfair. How often have I told you I’m not a good person?”
“Plenty. But I believed you meant your murderous tendencies in general, not a cold-blooded act of war and terror costing thousands of lives.”
“It’s hardly my fault if you jump to conclusions.”
“Admittedly, in this, you’re right. But what you’re responsible for is allowing me to bind myself to you for my entire existence without the courtesy of granting me the full truth.
My beliefs, Dion. I sacrificed them all because I trusted you, and you took my faith and spat on it.
Tell me, how should I not feel hurt and deceived? ”
Nayana tensed in my arms, trying to put some distance between us, and my jaw locked. “You exaggerate. Yes, I omitted a few facts, but I never lied to you.”
“Lies or not, nothing changes that I can’t help but ask myself if you were tricking me on purpose to gain more power. After all, that’s quite a villainous thing to do.”
I couldn’t suppress the angry huff escaping me and did my best to ignore the hot knife of pain slicing into my chest. “Fucking Triad, no. Naya, how can you consider that? Sure, generally, I’d do a lot for power, but not when it comes to you, dammit.
Also, if treachery had been my intention, do you think the rite would have worked at all? ”
“I…uhm…don’t—oh, damn.”
“Damn indeed. Because we wouldn’t have succeeded. How often have you been told that divine magic doesn’t accept falsehoods? Back then, I named all my doubts and reasons and gave you the choice. And my motives? Every single one is still valid.”
“But this doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know if I can ever trust you again.”
Naya’s words drove the sharp blade deeper, through my chest, straight into my heart. The expression of hurt in her eyes and the way her beautiful cerulean orbs had glossed over stabbed me a second and third time in rapid succession.
Also, her not fully relaxing in my arms was enough to realize that my reasons didn’t satisfy her, and I wondered how I could make her understand my point of view.
“Of course, I hate that I hurt you, and you can be sure I never wanted to cause you pain or distress. Spitting on your trust was the last thing I desired to do.” Disbelief still dominated her gaze, compelling me to add some more.
“And I would have confessed everything eventually, but in my own time. In the end, we both didn’t trust each other enough.
Can we agree on that?” Such a concession was more than I’d typically grant anyone. Only her—the poisonous, tiny female.
She stayed silent, even under my watchful eye, meeting my stare with an equally determined one.
Finally, I sighed, breaking the line of sight as I closed my eyes for a moment. Maybe the time had come to loosen my principles a bit, at least in this case.
Cursed be my weakness for Nayana.
The spark in my chest I’d suppressed ever since everything had gone to shit grew once I let go, and an unwanted emotion climbed in my throat, burning like bile. Before I could overthink this, the honesty that belonged to the spark tumbled from my lips. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”
The silence became oppressive, and finally, I opened my eyes again. My gaze instantly collided with hers. A minuscule warmth stuttered to life in my stomach as I noticed a softening in her eyes, and emboldened by this, I smiled at her.
“And I’m sorry I broke my promise.”
Both of us sighed simultaneously at her apology, but my cautious relief—which surprised me, as I’d expected self-loathing—mirrored her own. “How do you want to continue from here?”
“Cautiously, I guess. Respectful to each other.”
“That sounds like a valid start. I want to trust you, and more so, that you can believe in me being truthful with you.”
“We can try, but I need time, Dion. This is nothing you can speed up with that stubborn head of yours.”
“Both of us, Naya. The stubborn head, and also about taking things slow.” My fingernails scraped over my chin a little too hard.
“Are we still friends, nonetheless?” Somehow, the thought of her denying our connection had my stomach in knots.
By the Triad, despite everything I’d laid on the table, I couldn’t dispute—not even with myself—that I wouldn’t be able to treat her like anything but the precious tiny female she was.
“I think so. If you want to give friendship a second try as well.”
Something warm unfurled in my chest, drove away the bile, destroyed the hot knives, and unknotted my stomach. Even the grip around my lungs that I hadn’t noticed eased and let me breathe more easily as I nodded.
Had we cleared the air completely? Certainly not.
But the progress we’d made had to be enough for now. Neither of us harbored any illusions about how much we still had to prove to each other.
I swallowed a scoff. Not only was I not used to reflecting on what I’d done, but I’d never quite been the forgiving type.
But as I embraced her tighter, and she relaxed, I suddenly understood—and I had no idea how that had come to pass—I’d forgiven Nayana already, even if I’d joined in the sentiment of taking it slow.
The moment the enlightenment settled, I knew there was no way I would be able to stop myself from pushing the envelope, no matter how hard I bit down on my own tongue.
“I have something for you.” Fuck. Not even five minutes ago, she’d called me out on my stubborn impatience, and here I was, exactly proving my denial wrong.
But the spark of curiosity lighting Nayana’s cerulean eyes spurred me on, and I cautiously extricated myself from her and the chaise. “Wait here.”
“You know, a please from time to time won’t kill you.”
“You can’t be sure of that.” A chuckle rolled through my throat, and feeling lighter than I’d felt in days, I vanished into the bedchambers.