Chapter 23
Early the next morning Stella woke up with her arm and leg draped over Jack. Faint sunlight drifted through the slats in the
blinds. Something had woken her. A noise? Jack shifted beneath her, and when he spoke, his voice rumbled in the ear she had pressed against his chest.
“Your phone,” he said. Then he stretched his arm off the couch and reached for her cell phone on the chair, tapping it with
his fingertips until the phone slid over far enough for him to grab. He handed it to her.
Arnie had texted her, which he had never done for as long as she’d known him. She had no idea his phone was even capable of texting. He believed texting was a passive-aggressive mode of communication that gave people a way of talking about serious topics
without having to actually talk to the other person. Arnie believed talking in person was vital for a solid, healthy relationship. So the idea that he had
just texted her made her smile. Did he think he was betraying himself even while he did it?
She read the message and pushed herself up on one arm. “Arnie wants to come home this morning. He didn’t want to call this early because he thought I would still be sleeping. He probably thought I’d snooze right through the text alert.”
“He wants to come home or he’s being discharged?” Jack asked.
Stella leaned over him and put her phone on the floor beside the couch. She lay back down on his chest and inhaled. “I’m going
to assume they told him he can go home or he’s pestered them enough to consent to his will. But I want to lie here for another
few minutes, and then I’ll get up and call him.”
Jack put his arm around her and held her against him. Then he rubbed his hand against her hair, slow and gentle. When the
thought of his leaving popped into her mind, she shoved it aside. Just a little while longer.
Her peace lasted for approximately five more minutes, and then her throat tightened and her stomach responded in kind. Thoughts
of the future crept in and robbed her of the last slivers of stillness.
Jack kissed the top of her head. “Right now, in this moment, I would give anything for this to go on and on.”
She wanted to clutch him as tightly as possible. Why did I do this? Didn’t I know it would end? Why did I think this was worth it—worth hurting myself? Another voice in her head whispered, Love—real love—is always worth it.
“Hey,” Jack said. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” She was surprised her voice didn’t crack. She’d been acting like she was okay for so long, the lie came out easier
than it should have. But this time, the lie made her uneasy. “Why?”
“You were holding your breath,” he said, shifting beneath her. He sat up on the couch and lifted her with him, forcing her
into a sitting position. “You don’t look okay. What’s wrong?”
She swung her legs off the couch and hopped up. “I need coffee.”
“Stella,” he said, grabbing her hand.
She sighed. “I stink at living in the present. I stink at appreciating this moment right now because I’m so caught up in the
fact that you’ll be gone in hours. I want to be present and here and feel a spirit of thankfulness, but this empty, sick emotion is growing because I can’t stop reminding
myself that you’re leaving. I’ve had the best days ever with you, and I’m . . .” She struggled to control her emotions. When
she opened her eyes, feathery words flapped in the sunlight. Sad. Leaving. Goodbye. “And I’m sad.”
Jack stood beside her. He opened his mouth to say something, but she shook her head.
“I don’t want to talk about it. Nothing we can say will change what’s going to happen. Let’s have coffee, and I’ll swallow
this. I’ll save my falling apart until you’re gone.” She walked into the kitchen and grabbed the carafe from the coffee maker.
“Talk about something else.”
“I don’t want you to fall apart,” Jack said, following her into the kitchen. “I don’t want that for you.”
Stella filled the carafe with water and lifted the back of the coffee maker and poured it in. Jack took the carafe from her
and placed it on the counter.
“Hey,” he said gently. “Look at me.”
Sadness reflected in his eyes, mirroring her own. She touched his cheek. “What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?” he asked incredulously. “I’m leaving you, and I don’t want to.” He pulled Stella close, and she wrapped her arms around
him. “This is the kind of love I was looking for, I guess you could say my whole life. Now I’ve found it, and I have to leave, and,
Stella, I don’t want to leave you, and I don’t want you to fall apart or be sad, but I’m sad too.”
Stella held him tightly and squeezed. “We’re a miserable pair,” she said, trying to regain her composure.
“At least we’re together,” he said.
“For now,” she added.
Jack put both hands on her cheeks and kissed her lightly. “I’ll take it.” He pressed her head against his chest.
Simple bright white words coasted over Jack’s shoulder and shimmied up her arm. Be here now. His gaze followed the words until they disappeared into the fabric of her sleeve.
“Okay, I see you,” she said out loud to the words. “Let’s have coffee and you can tell me a story,” she said to Jack.
“What kind of story?”
“Something hopeful.”
Jack grabbed the can of coffee and placed a filter in the pot. Then he spooned in a few tablespoons of the dark ground beans.
She turned on the machine, then grabbed two mugs out of the cabinet and placed them on the counter. Stella retrieved the half-and-half
from the refrigerator and placed it beside their mugs. Then she opened the silverware drawer and took out a spoon.
“A hopeful story? How about the story of us, my favorite story?” Jack said, slipping his arms around her. “And I can’t keep
my hands off you.”
She allowed herself a smile. “So don’t.”
Two hours later Stella helped Arnie into the passenger seat of her car and made sure he was buckled in before she closed the
door. They drove in silence for a few minutes while Arnie closed his eyes and turned his face toward the warm sunlight flooding
in through the car window.
After a long, slow exhale, he said, “You forget how much you love and need the sunshine when you’re stuck indoors for so long.
You know you love it, and you know it’s a blessing, but you almost forget how good it feels on your face.
The warmth, the feeling of peace in knowing that it’s still rising and setting and right now it’s
warming you with its light. I’ve missed that. It came through my windows every day, but being outside reminds me of how much
I like being alive.”
Stella glanced over at him before returning her gaze to the road. She wondered what it would feel like to know that her time
in the sun was limited, that she might be confined to the hospital and never feel the sun’s warmth on her face again. Would
she be anxious? Sad? Accepting? As soon as she was free again, she imagined herself standing in the sun, arms stretched open
wide, face turned toward the sky and smiling.
“I like you being alive too,” she said.
She felt Arnie’s gaze turn toward her. “Thanks, kiddo. It’s good to be going home. Want to tell me what’s going on with you?”
Stella shot a look at him and then focused on driving again. “What do you mean?”
Arnie turned slightly in his seat to face her. “I’m not one to pry too much into your personal life, but I’ve known you a
long time, and I think that gives me a pass when it comes to prying.”
“Agreed,” Stella said, knowing where Arnie’s questioning would go.
“You were lit up like a lantern the last time I saw you, but now it’s dim. This is about Jack leaving?”
Stella used her turn signal and turned toward the library. “I feel like my whole world opened up, like Dorothy must have felt
when she stepped into Oz. Technicolor overload. Kansas was black and white, but Oz . . . Oz was beautiful and magical and
brilliant. It was the adventure of a lifetime. But then she couldn’t stay. She had to go back home, where the world was black
and white.”
Arnie stared ahead at the street, at the pine trees lining the sides of the road. “I hear what you’re saying, but not everything is black and white.”
Stella’s grip tightened on the wheel. “No, not everything. The magic is real, and my words have led me toward a new path.”
“Your words?” Arnie asked.
“Later,” Stella said, waving a hand through the air. “But yes, most of this gloom and doom is about Jack. I don’t want him
to go, Arnie. How am I supposed to be okay with him leaving?”
“Letting go of something that brought you joy will seem as though it might take the life out of you, and it can for a while, but it won’t forever. And Dorothy carried the dream
and beauty of Oz in her heart forever.”
“That’s garbage, Arnie.”
“Stella!”
“What? Maybe it’s not garbage, but right now I’m sad and disappointed and frustrated. Can’t you understand that?”
“Do you regret that it happened?” he asked. “Are you sorry that you’ve allowed yourself to feel something again? To be happy?”
She pulled the car into Arnie’s driveway and parked behind his convertible. “Mostly no.” She pressed both hands to her chest.
“I have loved the feeling I’ve had with him. But I have regret because I’m afraid of how much it’s going to hurt when he’s
gone.”
Arnie reached over and grabbed her hand. “I am so sorry, Stella. I never would have brought him here if I’d known. I thought
I was finally ready to tell you the truth about the magic and you’d get a kick out of talking to him. I didn’t know you’d
get so attached.”
“To my childhood crush?” she argued. “Why wouldn’t I have gone all googly-eyed for him?”
“You’re not a child anymore, kiddo,” Arnie said. “I didn’t know you’d still be harboring feelings for him.”
“Have you seen him?” Stella asked, exasperated.
“I’m sorry,” Arnie said again, and the pained look on his face caused Stella to lean over briefly and lay her head on his
shoulder. He laid his hand on her cheek. “I’d never hurt you on purpose.”