Chapter 32
Lucy
Dirk is quiet this morning. Did I disgrace myself somehow? We’re both still fully clothed when I wake.
He paces back and forth rubbing his arms, clearly in a hurry to leave.
I’m slightly hung over. We drink water, upend the cups on the counter to dry themselves, and he rushes to the car to get the heater working.
As I approach, he lowers the roof, and we speed through the countryside.
When it starts to sleet, Dirk pushes a little button and the roof appears out of an invisible partition in the back. It slots itself into place. Magic.
“Amazing,” I say.
He stays silent.
“This car just does what it’s told and doesn’t even talk back,” I say.
He slings me a look, as if maybe there was more to my comment than the obvious, which is true, then goes back to studying the road as the scenery glides by. There’s a lot of emptiness around us. I shiver.
He cranks up the heating and I thank him. We’re polite as strangers.
As we pull up near the apartment and he kills the engine, he turns to me, all serious.
“We can’t take this anywhere, Lucy,” he says, and I’m stunned. “I’m sorry.”
“So you admit there’s a ‘this’ between us.”
“There’s nothing between us.” He holds himself at a distance. Did I do something wrong? I need to know.
“And why can’t we take this ‘nothing’ anywhere, Dirk?
I know you like me. Are you afraid of what your children will think?
Would you really give them that much power over your life?
They’re adults. They might understand that their father enjoys some company now and then, or even more often – some companionship in life.
You wouldn’t want them to be perpetually lonely, would you? Set them a good example, Dirk.”
“There are so many things wrong with your argument.”
“Explain.”
“You miss the important one, Lucy; the practical one.”
“What’s that?”
“We’re neighbors, Lucy.”
“So?”
“If it goes wrong, we have to see each other every day.”
“And you couldn’t cope with that, Dirk, a grown man like you?”
“Could you?”
“If you’re saying you couldn’t bear to see me with anyone else, then I’m flattered. You really like to win, don’t you? ”
“It’s not like that...”
“We were honest with each other in the garden before Mrs Munze turned up. We were honest with each other as we talked by the fire. We like each other. We’re great together. Great company. We could be more. I don’t have that instant rapport with everyone, Dirk. Tell me you feel it too.”
“I like you, too, very much, but I’m an old-fashioned man, Lucy. I talk about cars and engines and tools and diseases. I don’t know how to talk about feelings.”
“Do you know what, Dirk? My daughter and her friends would call you ‘commitment-phobic.’”
“Your daughter. How’s that going?”
“You’re shirking the subject, Dirk.”
“Me? Commitment-phobic? I know all about commitment, Lucy – commitment to family, commitment to my father’s dreams, commitment to my ‘educational opportunities,’ commitment to the team, and then decades more of it – to my patients, to minimize their suffering and maximize their healing, whatever else was or wasn’t going on in their lives, not to mention commitment to Millie and her dreamhouse .
.. so don’t you dare accuse me of commitment phobia, Lucy. ”
“But ...”
“And you don’t know the half of it.”
In the plush leather bucket seat, my phone dings and I check it. It’s Donna, pressing me to commit to that fresh assignment.
Freya really needs a favor, Donna text reads.
Freya’s her sister. She runs the cleaning and housekeeping side of the family business. Norths, or something.
She’s short staffed. Needs someone to housekeep for a week. Three clients. Can you do it? They’ll be local jobs for you. Not much travel in it.
Sure, I text back. It’s a no brainer. I’m so lucky to know Donna and her family, with their jobs coming out of the woodwork.
The unpacking work has slowed down, with school back in.
There’s always a great rush of jobs during school holidays.
Cleaning’s not my favorite, but I can wear headphones and zone out while my body does the work.
She texts me a booking link. I fill it in without too much thought, then turn my mind to Phoebe, crossing my fingers that this time, she will respond to my message.