17. River
RIVER
I shouldn't have agreed to let her come over.
The thought had been circling my head for the past twenty minutes, growing louder every time I looked at my phone or listened to the sound of someone pulling into my garage.
I should never have been alone with her on school property.
What the fuck was I thinking?
What if someone had walked in while we were…
My mouth goes dry thinking about how reckless we’d been. How I’d lost all judgment the second I thought she was going to go out with Mack. I walk to the kitchen, grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator, and down most of it.
I’d never been a jealous person, and now the thought of her with any of those guys at school was enough to make me do something incredibly stupid.
Like pull my dick out in a classroom and fuck my fist while I watch her finger her cunt under the desk?
Am I insane?
My dick throbs in response, telling myself I’d probably do it again because that might be the hottest thing I’ve ever witnessed. The room was dead silent, and all I could hear was the sounds of her fingers touching herself and her soft, breathy moans while she chased her climax.
I slam the water down on the counter and let my elbows rest on it, and let my head fall into my hands.
I knew better.
God, I knew better.
I told Rowan I had no intention of touching her, and I caved in less than two weeks.
Well, I guess technically I hadn’t touched her yet.
You must be joking. My subconscious snaps.
But no one would ever know about that.
No one saw us.
No one even knew I was still running detention after I sent everyone home.
There aren’t cameras in classrooms. I know the hallways have cameras, so I made sure Sloane left the room a good twenty minutes before I did, and if anyone questioned it, I already had a plan to say she was taking a makeup quiz.
You shouldn’t even have to have a lie ready.
“No texts. No calls. No meeting up alone.” I hear Rowan’s voice in my head, and in the past week, I’ve broken all three of those rules.
Maybe we could keep whatever we have going on very under wraps, and no one will ever find out? Sloane seemed to understand what was at stake, and I actually believed she didn’t want me to get in trouble. I walk out of the kitchen and stare out my living room window, searching for headlights.
It was ten o’clock on a Thursday night, and the street was quiet. Nothing out of the ordinary about me having a visitor. My garage only had space for one car, so I parked on the street in front of my house so she could park inside the garage without drawing attention to her bright-colored car.
Although, she’d been here before.
I lived outside the Westlake School District, so no one who attended the school lived in my neighborhood. At least I didn’t have to worry about that.
No one who worked for the school lived around here either.
But what if someone just happened to be in the neighborhood?
Stop. You’re overthinking and imagining the worst-case scenario.
No one was going to know. My mind repeats yet again.
My mind is still going a hundred miles a minute when my phone vibrates with a text. Sloane should be here any moment, so I expect it to be her, but instead it’s from my brother.
Rowan: I think we’re all coming to your game tomorrow night since you’re playing Margot’s school. You want to come over after?
Of course, we’re playing Margot’s school tomorrow. Fuck.
Well, at least I hadn’t told Rowan that Sloane was a cheerleader so he won’t be trying to figure out which one she is.
Me:
Yeah, that should work.
Rowan:
How are you doing? Is everything good? You’ve been really quiet. Makes me think you’re avoiding me because you did something, or something happened.
Oh, fuck off.
I hate how well he knows me.
Me:
What are you, my dad?
Rowan:
No, I’m your older brother who knows you better than anyone. Don’t shut me out. I know what you’re going through is probably not easy.
Me:
It’s fine.
Rowan:
Has she tried to talk to you or reach out at all?
Me:
Nope. I think she understands.
This is exactly why I didn’t want to talk to Rowan. I hated lying to him.
That’s another reason I shouldn’t be doing this.
Not only could I get fired and cause a massive scandal, but now I’m lying to my family. The thought hits me hard, and I feel the pressure of it all weighing down on me.
I’d never get hired at another high school.
I’d probably lose my license.
Years of work and praise and accolades gone because I couldn't keep it in my pants.
My career would be over.
I could see the articles now, painting me as the stereotypical teacher who has inappropriate relationships with his students.
They’d question everything I’d done before now.
Probably question other students about my relationships with them.
They’d dissect every interaction I’d ever had with any female student.
Students might even feel uncomfortable and start second-guessing harmless interactions as me trying to initiate something more.
FUCK!
What was I thinking?
Okay, worst-case scenario. I could do something else?
Maybe a college sports program.
But you’re not going to leave Westlake midseason, and after May, it won’t be a problem because Sloane will have graduated.
Not to mention, a college program isn’t looking to hire midseason.
And they may not even want to hire me if I have this stain on my career.
I pull at my hair before dropping to the couch wondering how I got here. I recall all the decisions I made that led me to this moment: sitting on my couch waiting for my student to sneak over so I could fuck her again.
I wanted to do the right thing.
I wanted to keep my distance.
Why couldn’t I?
Because staying away was easy right up until I actually had to do it.
I liked Sloane, and I hated that with that admission came a mountain of complications.
I check my phone for the time because I should just call her and tell her not to come.
Tell her that this was wrong and that I changed my mind. That this was a mistake. That as much as I hate to admit it, that we are a mistake. That was the responsible choice.
I have my phone to my ear before I can stop myself, my eyes still trained out the window searching for her.
“Hey, I’m leaving my house now. I’ll be there in twenty.”
“Wait,” I tell her. “This was a mistake. I know I let things get out of hand earlier, and I’m sorry for that, but… you can’t come here.”
I think I expected her to push back, but I hear her let out a sigh of what sounds like defeat instead. “I get it.”
"I think we both know we can’t do this. It’s just too risky.” The words were heavy between us. “You should be having fun and not sneaking around with a guy who’s way too old for you. I am way too old for you. I thought that when I thought you were two years older, but I really liked you.”
“Liked?”
“Like and that’s the problem.”
There’s silence on the other line, and I pull my ear away from the phone in case the call had dropped. “Can we… revisit when I graduate?”
A smile pulls at my lips. “If we’re both in the same place, yes.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means don’t go out of your way to avoid meeting someone because you’re holding out for me.”
“That sounds like you plan to meet someone.”
“I just mean a lot can happen in nine months.”
“Sure.” Her tone is clipped, and I wonder if she’s angry with me.
A brief thought that she might try to get back at me for ending things. No, she wouldn’t. But see? Even having these thoughts shows that you shouldn’t be doing this. “I just want you to be happy. In the long-term, Sloane. And happiness does not include sneaking around with your teacher.”
“Even if I really like him?”
“You like the orgasms.”
“Don’t reduce us to that,” she snaps.
“Reduce us to what? We barely know each other. Yes, the sex is intense, and we had fun before all of this happened, but what do we really know about each other?”
“I know you’re so fucked up from your college girlfriend that you won’t let anyone past the wall you’ve built around your heart.”
Whoa. “Too far,” I say through gritted teeth because now I am mad.
“It’s the truth.”
Part of me wants to tell her off for that comment, but I know it’s only because it struck a nerve, and maybe a part of her is right.
Maybe I need to start seeing a therapist again.
After this? Probably.
“Sloane, you’re barely twenty years old. What you’re feeling is very normal, but it’s not real.”
She snorts. “Who are you to tell me what isn’t real?
When was the last time you established something real with anyone outside of your family?
” I’m silent because to be honest, I wasn’t sure.
I’d gotten somewhat serious with a few women here and there over the years, but I usually fucked those up before they could really go anywhere.
“I get it. You’re worried about this all blowing up.
And I get what would happen to you if it did.
But I was never going to let that happen, and I just wish you trusted me.
Honestly, I thought about asking my parents if I could transfer to another school in the county.
I knew how uncomfortable you were, and I thought it would make things easier.
But I didn’t want to risk drawing too much attention to why, and Delaney would probably figure it out, and that would still put you on edge since she would still be there. ”
The thought that she’d be willing to do that for me makes me believe she does care and not want me to get screwed.
“I know you think you can stop it from happening, but the truth is, you can’t.
You just never know who’s watching, and all it takes is one misstep for things to get completely out of hand.
This is why we should just stay away from each other. ”
“So this is it.” It sounded so simple and easy.
I let out a breath. “Yes.”
“I think part of me always knew that we’d end up here…
” She clears her throat. “I mean, after we got in this mess.” She’s silent before she continues.
“I just..." She laughs weakly. “I guess I hoped we’d have more time.” A sad smile crosses my face, but I don’t respond.
“You’re a good guy, River. Don’t let whatever has happened in the past make you think you don’t deserve to be happy in the future. ”
“Thanks, Sloane. I hope you’re happy too.”
And then she ends the call.