Chapter 4 #2
“Keys, garage door remote, alarm, door codes, and pool remote…it’s all in here. You know how to use most of it.” He hands me the bin, and it’s like he’s suddenly caged in here amongst the enemy, yearning to get out.
“Thank you,” I whisper, the hold on my emotions fleeting every second.
“If you have any questions, you can text me. But I have somewhere I’m urgently needed.” Lies, but I understand.
He stalks to the front door, and I can acknowledge that this causes him pain too, so I hand the bin to Chantal with an urge to speak to him alone.
“I’ll be right back, and I’ll be fine,” I say, giving my hardest glare to keep my little wolves at bay.
They look like they’ll behave, so I walk out, running down the steps.
“Cassius, wait,” I breathe out, the littlest movements becoming harder with each passing day. He turns so quickly, I’m suddenly face to face with him, and I have to adjust my footing to keep from falling backward.
His eyes are rimmed in red, as if he too has tears he’s holding back, and I long to tell him my plan. So he won’t be quite so miserable, so he can know there’s an ending point for our sorrow. But I can’t, so I just take a deep breath and gather my words.
“You didn’t have to do this. I know that.
You could’ve chosen to keep hating me and shunned me and turned your back on me.
And maybe that’s what you want to do. But I also know you honor Bastian and would do what he would want, and that’s why you did this.
So I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
” My lips tremble, the next words vibrating on my tongue.
“Your niece will know you and love you, and your protection will mean everything to her. To me and my family.”
He clears his throat, bringing his hand to his chin, and rubs his thumb along his bottom lip.
“What you’ve said is true, for the most part.
And I’m grateful for your appreciation. But you do have one part wrong.
I didn’t do it only because it’s what Bastian would want.
I wanted it too. I…I provide for my family.
And as the mother to my niece, you are family.
” He looks between the open door and me, a part of him surely dying that witches are taking over his brother’s home.
“Then you are my family too,” I say, swallowing the wave of emotions his words have evoked.
A part of me wants to hug him, to thank him for opening his heart to me, but I don’t want to scare him away.
Make him retreat. So I clasp my hands at my heart instead and decide to ask him what I’ve been longing to ask.
“Cassius,” I say, biting the inside of my cheek, my gaze sweeping before me.
“I was hoping you had something of use to me. Something I’m sure I shouldn’t be asking for.
” I clench my fingers tightly, so much that the tips pulse as if begging to burst. “I won’t go into too many details, but this is not a secret request or deal.
I just need to learn everything about Bastian’s past. So, I’m curious if he kept a diary or journal.
He started writing in one at my house but only wrote one entry.
I know it doesn’t sound like him. I thought it was cute. ”
Cassius tries to hold in a laugh as his gaze floats to mine, but a chuckle slips out. “Bastian could hardly keep a schedule, let alone a diary. If he tried starting one with you then it was something new.”
I look down at my fingers, finally releasing them, defeat disappointing me. “I knew it was a long shot… I’m just… A little lost.”
“What good would a diary do? Prolong the pain? Make the cut even deeper? I’ve lived a long life and know there’s nothing one can do for this kind of pain but to wake up every night and live with it. And pray—pray that time will lessen the wound.”
I want to tell him. I want to tell him so badly of my plan. How a diary could help me with intentions, could help me connect to Bastian’s soul in the afterlife. But I bite my lip instead and nod.
“Nicola is off the hook for Franklin’s murder. The Vampire Alliance has conducted their investigation, and the case has been closed.”
“That’s great,” I say, relieved Cassius won’t be losing his mother too. I want to ask more, but I see how badly he wishes to escape. So I let him. “Thank you, Cassius.”
“You’re welcome, Aster. And remember, you want more of Bastian? It’s growing inside you,” he says and disappears into the night.
I have no interest in lying on the top bed that Bastian used for “entertaining”. So I slide it open and crawl into the vampire bed we both slept in. The sheets, freshly laundered and smelling of coconut. Vacation.
The house looks just as it always did. Clean and tidy with all the tropical-scented products he bought once I told him about my desire to smell like I was on vacation, lined up in the laundry room. He couldn’t believe I hadn’t been on one since I was a girl, that I had longed for a vacation.
My heart clenches like it’s going to shatter, and I roll into a ball on the sheets. I think about all the people who have lost those they love, the people who can’t even dream about bringing their loved ones back. And if my pain is this intense, how must theirs be?
I stand, walk into the bathroom, looking at the tub we soaked in together as I nursed him back to health after he overdosed on the potion I created for him.
The closet where he picked out his attire for his nights at the speakeasy.
The colognes lined up in a row along the countertops.
My stomach flutters, my legs liquefying under me, and I collapse next to the tub, my fingers pressing into the porcelain so hard they could snap.
Memories are all I have, and they kill me and keep me alive at the same time.
I slip into the tub, lying back as I whisper his name into thin air, his smile coating my mind with warmth, that mouth that soothed me in so many ways.
We had argued that he was careless. And I was right.
He was careless, and that’s why he’s gone.
But I loved him despite every fault. And he loved me back despite my many.
My hand finds my belly. A moment of intense pain turns into that feeling I’ve come to recognize as hope for a brighter future. It’s all I have left to hold on to, so I’m going to hold on tight and never let go.
“Aster,” Chantal calls, finding me in the tub, a sympathetic look on her face. She slips in across from me, her mouth in a hard line. “Maybe staying here isn’t the best idea for now. Until at least the baby is born.”
“I don’t know what the best ideas are anymore,” I say, meeting her eyes. I open my mouth just as Mother calls for us then leans in the doorframe, arms crossed.
“It’s some house. A safe place for the baby. It’s the right thing.” Mother knows I’m hesitant, that staying here doesn’t feel right just yet.
“We don’t have to rush it. We can bring the baby furniture here at least, get her room set up, since there’s no room at Chantal’s. Our house won’t be done by the time she comes. How does that sound?”
“I think that sounds great,” Chantal says. “I’m not ready to be all alone again.”
“Okay.” I give in. It won’t be easy, but I’ll go back. Because one day, I’ll be living there with Bastian again.