Chapter 10
CHAPTER TEN
The credits rolled on Brave, Etta’s favourite Disney film, and Immy had never felt as happy before in her life as she did right now.
They’d eaten enough pizza for lunch to feed an army, Etta was cuddled up between her and Xander, and Jacob was snoring on her lap.
Xander’s arm was over the back of the sofa and, every now and again, he would catch a curl of Immy’s hair and run it through his fingers, which gave her delicious goosebumps every time he did it.
She’d always wanted a family and while she had loved living with her sister, Alex and her daughter Zara over the last few years, it had made her yearn for a family of her own even more.
And here was this perfect ready-made family, this wonderful man, the father of her baby, his brilliant daughter.
Was it too perfect to think she could just step into his life and the four of them could be a family together?
She didn’t want to hope for that, it was so early for them and Xander didn’t have the best track record in their relationship. But she was so contented right now. Maybe it was the baby hormones but she wanted this life more than anything.
Everything hinged on the conversation they were about to have with Etta. If it went well, that was at least a start.
Xander switched off the TV and turned to his daughter.
‘We have some exciting news for you,’ he said.
Etta’s eyes lit up as if her dad was about to tell her that he was taking her to Disneyland and Immy cringed. She appreciated the positive angle he was trying to take with his daughter but he didn’t have to look like he’d won the lottery, although that did make her feel warm inside.
‘What is it?’ Etta said.
‘You’re going to be a big sister.’
She screwed up her little face in confusion, probably trying to work out how her deceased mum was going to have a baby.
‘Immy’s having a baby,’ Xander quickly explained. ‘My baby.’
Etta looked at her. ‘There’s a baby in your belly right now?’
Immy nodded. ‘Yes, he or she is very small, probably the size of a plum.’ She showed her with her thumb and finger.
‘And Daddy put it there?’
‘Yes, sort of. He gave me a seed called a sperm and I have an egg and when the two combine they make a baby.’ She knew Etta had a basic knowledge of how babies were made, Xander had tried to explain it to her before when Etta had been upset and confused that he might not be her dad.
Immy had looked up online how to explain the birds and the bees to children and there was a lot of advice about using the right words.
Etta’s little nose wrinkled with confusion as she turned back to her dad. ‘But in the books you gave me about how babies are made, it said that when two people love each other very much they might decide to make a baby. Do you two love each other very much?’
‘Umm…’ Xander looked at Immy, his eyes soft, and she willed him not to say yes.
Not because she didn’t want to hear those words but because it wasn’t fair to give Etta false hope or lies about their relationship.
It was still so early for them, she had no idea if this thing would work between them.
It was clear, no matter what happened, he wanted to be part of the baby’s life and that meant that Etta would be too, so Immy had no problem talking to her about the baby but she didn’t want to dress it up with false promises.
‘We like each other very much,’ Immy interrupted before Xander could tell Etta they were getting married and would live happily ever after. ‘And that might mean that sometimes we kiss and cuddle each other.’
‘And sometimes sleep in the same bed,’ Xander said.
‘But you don’t love each other?’ Etta asked.
‘Love normally happens when you get to know the person really well,’ Immy said.
‘You know each other well enough to have a baby but not enough to love each other?’ Etta asked, as if she was twenty years older.
Immy bit her lip. Of course, Etta was right.
Immy had all these silly ideas about a happy ever after with Xander and, while she knew she had started to fall in love with him after the first time they’d slept together, she knew she needed to get to know him more before she started believing in that future.
She didn’t want to start imagining her wedding day, Etta as a flower girl, Xander looking devastatingly handsome in a suit as he waited for her at the end of the aisle.
She rubbed her chest a little because that image made her heart ache.
The way she was feeling tonight, if Xander had proposed again, she would probably have said yes.
She needed to claw back some of her reservations, be more sensible about her decisions.
She needed to keep her heart locked away, not give it to him so freely just because he was being so sweet and lovely right now.
Etta was still looking confused and Xander was clearly trying to decide how to tell her the baby was accidental.
‘Sometimes babies are made because two people decide they want a baby and sometimes babies are made and it’s a wonderful surprise,’ Xander said.
‘Something that wasn’t planned but is exciting and brilliant news.
You were a surprise baby and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I can’t tell you how happy I was when I found out you were on your way. ’
‘Even though I might not have been made with your seed?’ Etta asked.
‘I loved you when you were still in your mummy’s tummy.
I loved you even more when you were born and I got to hold you for the first time.
That love got bigger and bigger over the years as you grew up into this brilliant, funny, kind little girl.
That love will never go away and it doesn’t matter if you were made by someone else’s seed, I will always love you.
You were the best surprise ever and Immy’s baby is also a wonderful surprise. ’
‘And the baby was definitely made with your seed, not someone else’s?’
‘Yes,’ Xander said.
‘But how do you know if you don’t remember giving her the seed?’
‘I remember giving her the seed.’
‘Then why is it a surprise?’
Immy suppressed a smirk. She was expecting questions but not like this.
‘Because sometimes when a man gives the woman his seed, the man isn’t expecting a baby to be made.
There are only certain times the woman’s egg is ready for the seed.
Remember when we planted those runner bean seeds last year?
Everything has to be perfect for the seed to grow.
It has to be at the right time of year, the soil has to be right, it has to have the right amount of water – too much or too little and the seed won’t grow.
Same with the sunshine, not enough sunlight or too much and the seed can’t grow into a plant.
It’s also the same with the woman’s egg, everything has to be perfect for the seed to be able to mix with the egg to create a baby and, most of the time, the seed won’t get to the egg and the baby won’t grow.
So when it does happen, it’s a wonderful, happy surprise. ’
‘So why did you give Immy the seed if you weren’t expecting it to turn into a baby?’
Immy felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment.
Xander cleared his throat. ‘Because… it’s like giving her a gift, like a bunch of flowers. She loves getting the flowers and I enjoy giving the flowers because it makes her happy and that makes me happy.’
‘Giving her your seed makes her happy?’
‘Yes.’
Etta looked at Immy for confirmation and she nodded even though her cheeks were burning red. Etta still looked confused and Immy wondered if the next question would be about how the seed was delivered. She decided to try to head it off.
‘Are you excited about being a big sister?’
A small cautious smile appeared on Etta’s lips. ‘Yes, I think it will be fun. We can play together and make cakes together and play in the garden…’ She frowned. ‘Will the baby live here?’
Well this was going to lead to more awkward questions.
‘Yes. Maybe,’ Xander said.
‘Sometimes,’ Immy said.
‘Why will you and the baby not live here all the time?’
‘If we decide that we love each other then we will probably live together, but that won’t be for a while yet,’ Xander said, clearly trying to placate her but Immy knew this would only make things worse.
‘Well, why can’t you decide to love each other now?’ Etta asked.
‘It doesn’t work like that,’ Immy said, gently. ‘We’ll probably spend a lot of time together over the next few months to see if we do love each other enough to live together, but it might not work.’
‘You might decide you don’t love us enough to stay?’ Etta said, her voice wobbling.
Oh god, Etta had been here before when her mum left, and this was the very thing Immy had wanted to avoid.
She didn’t want Etta to get her hopes up for them to be a family only to have them dashed.
But how could they explain that she would be here quite a lot over the next few weeks or months while she and Xander figured out if they had some kind of future together?
Should they have tried to keep it more of a secret until they knew for themselves?
Or maybe it was time for a bit more honesty.
‘I like your dad very very much and I love you, you’re the most amazing little girl in the world. I would love for us all to live together, me, you, Daddy and the baby, but sometimes, no matter how much you want something, it just doesn’t work out,’ Immy said.
‘Why?’
‘Do you remember when you wanted to do ballet?’ Xander said.
‘All your friends were doing it and you wanted to do it so badly and we bought you the dress and the shoes because you were so sure you would love it just like your friends did, but you hated it. And you kept going week after week because you thought eventually you would fall in love with it but you never did.’
Etta nodded.