Chapter 12 #3
‘Because I feel like I’m ruining everything for you. You’ve clearly worked so hard on making Etta feel settled and loved again after Brook’s horrible departure and I’ve come in here with a new baby on the way and it’s making her feel confused and upset again. I don’t want to be a burden.’
He scowled. ‘Why would you say that? You’re not ruining anything.
Even if Brook hadn’t left the way that she had, saying those things, or even if me and Brook were very happily married and she was expecting a baby, Etta would still feel unsettled by that, just like any older child would be when a younger sibling is on the way.
She will soon get used to the idea and when the baby comes we’ll just have to make sure she feels involved.
I know this is a slightly more sensitive issue for her because I might not be her dad and she knows that, but it probably isn’t that different to any other child facing change.
But I’m concerned that you feel the need to apologise for all this.
Has someone made you feel that you’re a burden before? ’
Immy blinked. She had a sudden flashback to her ex-boyfriend Zac who’d rolled his eyes every time she needed help doing up her buttons or tying her shoelaces or remembering how to clean her teeth after her accident.
He used to get so frustrated with her that she hated asking him to do anything for her.
Had he really had that much of an effect on her that she still felt the need to apologise so much all these years later?
‘I’ll take that as a yes,’ Xander said.
‘My ex-boyfriend, Zac. I’d been going out with him for six months when I had the accident.
He just couldn’t accept that I couldn’t do the simplest of tasks when physically I looked fine.
He used to get so annoyed with me when I’d ask him to help me with my shirt buttons or any other tiny task that was suddenly beyond my capability.
I’d ended up prefacing any request with an apology: “Sorry, could you help me with my shoes? Sorry, could you tie my hair in a ponytail?” And then I’d apologise profusely as he was doing it.
We were pretty much living together at this point but he started spending more and more time at his home so he wouldn’t have to deal with it and I was left alone.
I just couldn’t cope on my own. I felt so useless.
He said it was like looking after a child, which at least gave me an insight into how he would be as a dad.
I broke up with him after six weeks because I hated how he made me feel so needy and pathetic.
When I broke up with him he made me feel like it was entirely my fault that he treated me that way.
It took me a long time to realise he was the asshole in that situation. ’
‘No kidding. What happened to “For better and worse, in sickness and in health”? I know you weren’t married but if you love someone helping them isn’t a burden, you’re happy to do it.’
‘Yeah, that’s how it should have been. We’d always been so good together but he clearly wasn’t the kind of man that takes the rough with the smooth.
But his attitude made me so fiercely independent.
That’s why I fought so hard to be able to do those things by myself as I never wanted to rely on anyone else or be an inconvenience or a burden to anyone.
Alex never made me feel that way, she was beyond patient, but I think the damage had already been done with Zac.
I cried so much during those first six weeks, which is totally normal when you have brain trauma.
Being unable to regulate your emotions is very common and everything sets you off: an advert, a song, running out of Mini Eggs, not being able to tie my shoelaces.
And he used to get so annoyed with the tears too.
I used to go off and cry on my own so he wouldn’t see me.
I felt so weak and useless and he made me feel so much worse.
I felt like such a hindrance to him, a thorn in his side. ’
‘He sounds like an utter cockwomble.’
‘Yeah, he was.’
‘What sort of person behaves like that when anyone needs help, let alone someone you love.’
‘You’re right. But after Zac, I was always so independent in everything, always preferring to do something on my own without relying on others or asking for help.’
‘Like raising a baby?’
‘I could do that on my own.’
‘I have absolutely no doubt that you could, but I don’t want you to. I want to be there to help in every way I can, and not because I have a duty or an obligation to this baby, but because I want to be a dad, because I love this baby and I haven’t even met him yet.’
She smiled.
‘So, have you not been in a serious relationship since him?’ Xander asked.
‘No, nothing serious. I’ve been on dates and had passionate flings with incredible men.’ She stroked his face. ‘Or dated someone for a few weeks but it’s never lasted.’
‘Zac broke your trust, he let you down when you needed him the most. Your heart is probably looking for someone it can trust again.’
‘Yeah, maybe. I think I’m scared to fall in love again. Love necessitates need. A need to be with each other. I’ve worked very hard not to need anyone. Today was weird for me, having all these people help me. I’ve never had that before.’
‘We all need help now and again and it’s OK to ask for it or accept it.
And I promise you now, no matter what happens between us, I will always be here for you.
No matter how small or insignificant it might seem to you, if you need help tying your shoelaces or brushing your hair, or you need something bigger, I will be more than happy to do it.
No matter what time, night or day. You just need to ask.
And I will never, ever get frustrated when you ask.
You’re my friend, we’re supposed to be there for each other. ’
‘That will take a lot of getting used to.’
‘Well, get used to it. But most importantly, you will never be a burden, you or our baby. Every relationship has problems, it’s never going to be smooth sailing.
Sometimes those issues are with the couple, their baggage, their pasts, their own feelings and emotions, but a lot of it is external, work problems, in-laws, stepchildren, family, money.
The thing that matters is that we face those problems together, whatever it is.
There is not a single part of me that wishes you weren’t pregnant or that we weren’t together.
If it’s meant to be, we will weather the storms.’
She smiled with love for him and, sliding her arms around him, leaned up to kiss him.
‘Thank you for talking me down. I never realised I was doing it until you pointed it out. No more apologising from now on. Well, at least for stuff like this.’
‘I’m not sure you can suddenly turn off something like that. The scars of that kind of betrayal, watching someone you love belittle you and make you feel that way, run deeper than we think, but I’ll also try to help you with that as much as I can.’
‘Thank you.’ She hugged him.
‘Always.’