Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Xander felt like the bottom had dropped out of his world. Etta was gone. He had a moment of pure panic, unable to move, or think, or do anything.
‘Give me your phone. I’ll send a message to your brothers in the WhatsApp group, they can join the search,’ Immy said.
He handed her the phone numbly as his brain went into overdrive.
He was angry and terrified and he didn’t know what to do first. His daughter was out there alone, scared, upset in the rain and the dark and he just wanted to hold her tight and tell her he would always love her.
Where would she go? Where could he even start looking for her?
He watched Immy type out a message on his phone and then grab the car keys. ‘Come on, we can cover more areas quicker in the car. I’ll drive.’
He nodded numbly.
‘I’ll call the police,’ Margaret said.
He wasn’t sure if phoning the police was the right thing to do or not. He couldn’t think straight to make decisions like that.
‘Stay here in case she comes back,’ Xander snapped then quickly followed Immy down the stairs and round the back to his car. She got in and quickly adjusted the seat so she could reach the pedals.
‘I should drive, you’re not insured on this car.’
‘I think that’s the least of our worries, and you’re not in any fit state to drive right now.’
He didn’t argue with that. His body was fuelled with adrenaline, going into full fight or flight.
She pulled the car out the car park before he could argue and took off, presumably in the direction she’d seen Etta go. As she drove down Cherry Lane, Max came running out of one of the bars he worked in and waved them down.
Immy quickly stopped and Xander cursed that they were wasting time.
‘I’ll check the beach, she loves making sandcastles. If she’s not there I’ll try the park,’ Max said.
‘Thank you,’ Xander said.
Max took off at a run and Immy carried on driving. Xander saw Logan’s car cross in front of them at the junction and could see Logan leaning out the window and looking around every bush, tree, bench or anything else that Etta could be hiding under.
‘She went this way,’ Immy said, turning the car.
It felt like she was driving too damn slowly and he wanted to tell her to hurry up.
He knew they were more likely to spot Etta if they were going slowly than speeding down the street, but it didn’t feel like their efforts were enough.
‘Any idea where she might be heading, any favourite spots?’
‘I don’t know.’ Goddamn it, why couldn’t he think straight? He needed some clarity. ‘She loves Logan’s house because he has a pool, but I’ve just seen his car. He’s out looking for her, so if she goes there, there won’t be anyone there to meet her.’
‘OK, well we’ll head over there. Unless you have any better ideas?’
He shook his head and gave her directions to Logan’s house. A police car raced past, sirens blaring, going in the opposite direction. Was that for Etta? Were they heading to his house?
He saw Archer running through the streets wearing only his shorts as he called for Etta.
God this was such a mess. Xander should have been there when Etta found out the truth.
He should have found out straightaway and then they could have faced it together, not leave her in this in-between state where she didn’t know if he was or her dad or not.
That was more confusing and unsettling for her.
He wound down the window and started calling for her.
If she was out here hiding somewhere, she needed to know he was looking for her.
He scanned the sides of the roads, and all the side roads they passed for any sign of her.
How could she just vanish? She was fast, he knew that, but it had only been a few minutes since Immy had last seen her.
Where could she have gone? A million worst-case scenarios ran through his head.
Would the police want to speak to him, would it be better if he was at home? But Xander couldn’t even think about not being out here looking for her.
He saw a duck randomly walking down the street and his heart leapt.
‘The duck pond! She loves feeding the ducks.’
‘OK, do you want me to go to Logan’s house first or go straight to the duck pond?’
His eyes scanned the streets as he thought. ‘Go to the duck pond.’
Immy immediately turned down another street and then did another turn heading back towards the main town.
He spotted the little duck pond up ahead and looked around everywhere he could see, but there was no movement, no flash of her little red coat or blonde hair. She wasn’t here. He called out for her anyway but there wasn’t a sound in response.
‘Do you want me to go to Logan’s house?’
‘I don’t know, I’m fresh out of ideas. She’s scared and upset, where would she go that she would feel safe?’
Immy shook her head and then suddenly an idea clearly sparked in her mind.
‘I know where she is.’ Immy turned the car around and quickly sped off down the street.
‘We were out the other day in town, remember when we went to get sandwiches? While we were waiting, we went to the Easter tree and she said that her and her friend liked to sit underneath it. She made me crawl under the tree and it’s hollow inside so you can pretty much stand up inside it.
We stood under there and it’s really pretty because you can see all the Easter decorations all the way up the inside of the tree.
Anyway, she said she liked it because it was so quiet in there.
It blocked out all the noise from the outside and she said it made her feel safe. ’
‘I hope you’re right.’
‘Well, we don’t have other ideas, so let’s go with this for now.’
He saw the Easter tree standing proud at the very end of Cherry Lane, the Easter decorations sparkling in the streetlights, but as they drew closer, he suddenly could see a flash of red through the branches at the bottom and Etta’s bright purple trainers.
‘She’s there,’ Xander pointed.
Immy parked as close as she could but Xander was already out the car, throwing Immy his phone. ‘Text my brothers and tell them we have her. Get Margaret to tell the police if they aren’t already there.’
She grabbed the phone and he ran to the tree, crawling underneath to see his little girl sitting on the floor, her knees pulled up to her chest, crying loudly.
‘Hey, sweetheart,’ Xander said gently.
She looked up and started sobbing even louder. He sat down next to her and pulled her onto his lap, holding her tight in his arms as he stroked her head. She clung onto him like she never wanted to let him go.
‘I wanted you to be my daddy so much. I didn’t want Uncle Nick to be my daddy, I didn’t like him.’
‘I am your daddy, honey, a daddy is someone who looks after you and does fun things with you and gives you cuddles and loves you so damn much it hurts. Just because Nick gave your mummy the seed to make you doesn’t make him the daddy. A daddy is a much more important job than just giving the seed.’
She looked up at him in confusion. ‘But the paternity test said that Nick was my dad.’
Xander cursed because he wasn’t making himself clear.
But this was why he’d wanted to wait until Etta was older so she understood the biology of it.
How could he explain that Nick might technically, biologically be her father, but that didn’t make him a dad?
That job was so much more complex than simply donating sperm.
And that’s all Nick was, a sperm donor; he had never been a dad to Etta.
‘A baby is made with the seed from the man and the egg from the woman, but making the baby doesn’t mean that the man and the woman are the parents.
The parents, the mummy and the daddy, are the people who raise and look after and love the baby, just like I have done every day since you were born.
You know how your friend Sophie is adopted?
Her mummy and daddy are the ones who are raising her, some other man and woman made Sophie with their seed and egg, but the mummy and daddy who she lives with are the ones who love her and take care of her and they are the ones that count.
She calls them Mummy and Daddy, doesn’t she? ’
Etta nodded.
‘That’s because they love her and cuddle her and read her bedtime stories and do all the fun things with her.’
‘So Sophie has two mummy and daddies?’
‘Technically yes. The mummy and daddy that made her with their seed and egg and the mummy and daddy that love her.’
‘So you’re not my real daddy?’
‘I didn’t make you with my seed, I wish I had, but I didn’t.
But that doesn’t change that I’m the only daddy you’ve ever known and I’m the only daddy that loves you so much.
This paternity test doesn’t change anything.
You will still live with me and I’ll still be your daddy and I will still love you and tell you I love you every single day. ’
She laid her head on his shoulder, the sobs subsiding a little bit. ‘And you’ll never leave me?’
‘Never, I love you too much to ever want to leave you. That will never change. Even when the new baby comes, I will still love you very much.’
Etta lifted her head to look at him, tears still in her eyes, and it killed him to see her so sad.
‘So you gave the seed to Immy to make her baby?’
‘Yes.’
‘But that doesn’t mean you have to be the baby’s daddy. Someone else can be the daddy and love the baby and take care of it, it doesn’t have to be you.’
That was a curveball he hadn’t seen coming.
‘But I want to be the baby’s daddy, I want to look after it and love it, just like I wanted to love you when you were in your mummy’s tummy.’
Fresh tears filled her eyes. ‘But I don’t want you to love the baby, and I don’t want a brother or sister, I don’t want Immy to move in with us and I don’t want to move house. I want it to just be the two of us forever.’