Chapter 27
It would be so easy to think she was part of something. Abby sighed. How often had she wished her father were still alive? Or that her mom had been able to actually be a mother?
Now that she’d been around Justine and Ben, the longing she’d had for parents all but knocked the breath out of her.
With Clayton swooping in to help her and looking after her brothers, and then Justine and Ben doting on her as if she were their daughter, Abby realized just what she and her brothers had been missing all these years.
She hadn’t exactly had the best example as a mother, so Abby had taken her cues from what she’d seen on TV or read in books. And she knew that made her a poor substitute, but she hadn’t given up.
Nor would she ever.
She might not remember her father’s love, and she had never had her mother’s, but she’d made damn sure her brothers were loved.
As Abby watched Clayton walk to Caleb, she was once again thankful that he’d come into their lives. He was a good man, despite the demons that hounded him. Clayton didn’t let them take control, though. If only she knew that trick.
She looked over at Justine to find the woman’s gaze locked on her son, tears in her eyes. Abby tried to move her left arm to comfort Justine, but the pain stopped her.
“I’m so sorry about Landon,” she said.
Justine smiled and picked at some imagined piece of lint from her sweater. “I always wondered why they don’t have a word for a parent who loses a child. If I’d lost Ben, I’d be a widow.”
“I think it’s because there’s nothing that can fill the hole after loving a child.”
Justine turned her head and smiled through her tears that gathered but didn’t spill over. “Maybe. A parent never gets over the loss of a child.”
Abby found her own tears beginning. It was hard to watch someone suffer so and not feel the heartache. “I don’t want to bring up old memories.”
“Oh, sweetheart, you aren’t,” Justine hurried to say, a frown furrowing her brow. “Ben and I talk about Landon all the time. It makes Clayton uncomfortable, and we understand that. Please don’t take it the wrong way if he doesn’t speak of his brother.”
“He told me what happened.”
Justine’s face went slack. “He did?” she asked in a shocked whisper.
Abby nodded, hoping she was doing the right thing by relaying the information. “Clayton took me to the spot and told me everything that happened.”
The tears finally fell. Justine wiped them away, sniffing. “As far as I know, he’s not spoken about it since he told us and the police. He’s held it in all these years.”
The sob that filled the living room made Abby blink to keep her own tears at bay. She shifted on the sofa to face Justine. “Just like you, he’ll always carry that with him.”
“I’m so relieved that he spoke of it.” Justine reached for a tissue and wiped at her face. “I lost two sons that night. One to death, and the other to darkness. I think maybe Clayton is finally stepping into the light again.”
The way Justine looked at her let Abby know in no uncertain terms that Justine believed she was the cause. Abby wasn’t so sure. But she wanted to be. She really did.
Justine grinned, her eyes red from crying. “I know there’s something developing between you and Clayton. Ben and I approve, by the way.”
“Um . . .” Abby began, unsure how to reply.
Justine waved away her words. “I wasn’t looking for a response. I just wanted to let you know. And even though I don’t know about your past, I realize that you’ve shouldered a tremendous amount of responsibility over the years. You should be proud of yourself.”
Abby looked away. “Thank you.”
“I used to tell Clayton not to let the past define him. It might shape you in some ways, but you can’t let it hold onto you and prevent you from enjoying the present or looking forward to a future.”
She made it sound so easy, but it wasn’t. The past had its claws dug too deep to ever let go.
Abby swung her gaze back to Justine. “I wish you would’ve told me that eight years ago.”
“It’s not too late to let the past go. You just have to want your present and the future.” Justine hesitated as her brows briefly drew together. “I don’t mean to make the past seem inconsequential. It is important. You and your brothers learned a hard lesson.”
“One I wish they’d never known.”
Justine chuckled softly. “That’s something a mother would say. You became one the moment you started raising them. Being a sister and a mother can’t be easy, but you make it look that way. But I’d like for you to look at the past in another way instead of negatively.”
“How?”
“Another lesson you and your brothers learned was that you have each other. No matter what the situation, the bond between the three of you is tighter and stronger than most people will ever know. You’re lucky in some regards.”
Lucky? No one had ever called her lucky, and yet what Justine said made a lot of sense.
But the older woman wasn’t finished imparting her wisdom.
“Then there’s the lesson of unconditional love.
You three give it to each other in such heavy doses that it’s amazing to watch.
But it doesn’t stop there. You’ve shown Brice and Caleb how to carry on, how to be strong, how to love, and how to keep fighting and hoping. ”
“Hoping?” she said, choking on the emotion welling within her.
“Yes,” Justine said with a nod of her head. “You may think you’re drowning in the past, but I can see the hope in your eyes. It’s in your words, in your actions, and in the way you smile. Your brothers see it, too. When you take all of that and compare it to one event, doesn’t it outweigh the bad?”
“I never used to think so. I used to believe that there was nothing in this life that could ever make up for the bad.”
Justine tilted her head to the side, her long braid falling over her shoulder. “See? There was hope in those words. Did you hear them?”
“Yes,” Abby confessed.
“Life dealt you and your brothers a horrible blow early on. It would’ve devastated most people, but the three of you are strong. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be standing here—together, I might add—now.”
Abby had to admit, Justine was right. But there were still lingering worries. She licked her lips. “Both of my brothers have abandonment fears. I worry that the issue will plague them forever.”
“Honey, I wish I could tell you that no one will leave any of y’all ever again, but I can’t.
It’d be a lie. Death will take us all eventually.
Sometimes you have to trust your heart and pray for the best. How will you ever know love if you don’t try?
Will there be heartache? Yes. But there will also be love so bright and full that it completes you.
That’s what you tell your brothers.” Justine paused. “And yourself.”
Abby looked down at the cushion. “What if I can’t? What if I can’t trust my heart?”
“Then you’ll miss out on life. Part of living is feeling the hurts and the joys and all the spaces in between.
Living a full life isn’t about keeping yourself safe and tucked away so nothing and no one can hurt you.
You’ll end up alone and lonely. Life is about putting yourself out there to see what’s coming.
You might get knocked down, but then you pick your ass back up and lift your chin, waiting for whatever’s next. ”
Abby let loose a shaky breath as she lifted her gaze to Justine. “You’re an amazing woman. Your family is lucky to have you.”
“Damn straight they are, sweetheart. And I tell them that every chance I get,” Justine said with a smile and a wink.
“Thank you for the talk.”
“I hope you take my advice.”
Abby wanted to. “I’ll do my best.”
“Well, that’s better than telling me you can’t.” Justine laughed and tucked a leg beneath her. “So, tell me. When are you going to quit working for Gloria and start here? Oh, yes, don’t look surprised. Clayton told us he offered you the job.”
Abby shook her head in amazement. If there was ever a woman who could do wonders to help her, it was Justine.
Some things would never change. And Clayton was okay with that. He looked in the mirror at the bunkhouse and spread the black paint over his face.
There was an ominous feel to the coming night. Dusk settled over the land with heavy clouds on the horizon and the sound of distant thunder. The horses were agitated, stomping in their stalls, while others in the pasture stared off into the distance.
Clayton put away the paint and pulled the black beanie on his head to cover his hair.
With his black shirt and pants, he’d be near impossible to see in the dark.
He slid a pistol into the holster on his hip and tucked the knife into his boot.
Then he looked at the scope that would help him see across the distance.
“You should bring the rifle that goes with that,” Shane said from behind him.
Clayton looked at him in the mirror and turned around to face him. “I do this alone.”
“Because I’m too old to keep up?”
“Because I can be in and out without any of them knowing I was even there.”
Shane leaned against the doorway as he blew out a breath. “They’re expecting you.”
“They expect me to come in with the authorities.”
“No.” Shane jerked his chin to him. “They’re expecting this. They know you’re a SEAL, though I doubt they know all you can do. Shit, I don’t even know everything you can do.”
Clayton shrugged. “Nor will you.”
“The point I’m trying to make is that they’re on the lookout for you.”
“I can promise you, Shane, they’ll never see me coming.”
“You don’t know how many there are.”
Clayton grabbed the scope he’d taken off a rifle and put it into his thigh pocket.
“Which is why I’ll be scouting the area.
And I need you here,” he said before Shane could give another argument.
“We talked about this. The security system is not yet online. I need someone to watch over my parents, Abby, and the boys.”
“You know the men and I will. Everyone else is in place. I just don’t like you going in alone.”
Clayton normally had his team with him, but he wasn’t worried about being on his own. Not against Ronnie and the men he’d hired.
“Ben and Justine can’t lose another child,” Shane said. “And Abby can’t lose you.”
“They won’t. I’m not going out there to hurt anyone.” Even if that’s what he wanted to do. “I’m going to find our cattle. Then I’m going to call in Danny.”
Shane pushed his cowboy hat back on his head and nodded. “It’s a good plan.”
“I’m still convincing Abby to be mine,” Clayton said as he walked to Shane and briefly clamped a hand on his shoulder. “I’m not going to do anything to jeopardize that.”
The ranch manager grinned as he pushed away from the door. “You’ve got it bad, huh?”
“Yeah. I believe I do.”
The smile faded. “Be careful, Clayton.”
He gave a nod and walked into the darkness, jogging toward the northwest. It was going to be several miles of running over his own family’s land and through others’ property before he ever reached Ronnie’s, but this was just a walk in the park compared to some of his previous missions.
And yet, this one hit too close to home.