Chapter 18 #2
A memory flitted into Arabella’s mind of a maid named Sarah whom Papa had dismissed suddenly.
His only explanation was that she had “been indiscreet and had to be let go.” Arabella had later overheard a discussion between two of the other housemaids discussing that Sarah had seen something she had not been meant to see and had been dismissed without a reference.
Arabella had disregarded the conversation as servant gossip, but perhaps she had been wrong. Papa had certainly been more volatile of temper since Mama’s death. But that did not mean he was ruthless.
“He is exacting, certainly, but that is only his desire to protect my sisters and me. He feels the weight of his responsibility keenly, and he has no one to share it with.”
Felicity nodded, but she looked far from convinced.
It brought to mind how Mr. Hayes had looked when he had asked if Papa was at Kew. Perhaps it had been the prospect of being found with her unchaperoned, but Arabella could have sworn there had been another element to his urgent question.
“Why not tell your father how you feel?” Felicity asked.
Arabella suppressed the desire to swallow. The thought of revealing her true feelings was more frightening than she cared to admit.
But if there was any possibility it might lead to her ability to be with Mr. Hayes, was it not worth fighting through those fears?
It was late the next morning when Arabella found the opportunity to be alone with Papa.
Felicity had recognized the speaking glance Arabella had given and had asked Aunt Louisa to help her speak with the cook about a different poultice for the bee sting. The two of them had vacated the room, leaving Arabella and Papa alone.
“Quite an adventure you had at Kew,” Papa said.
He had no notion…and she trusted he never would.
“A very unfortunate turn of events.” Arabella’s heart took up a quick pace as Papa returned his gaze to the newspaper, his brow furrowed in concentration. A moment later, however, he set it aside. “Well, my dear. It is time we discussed things, I think.”
“Discussed…things?”
He smiled at her as though she was being coy.
Coy was not the right word, though. Reluctant, certainly.
Papa smoothed the paper beside him. “We agreed you should have a few days to accustom yourself to the idea of marriage, and you have had more than a few—eight, in fact.”
“Has it been that long? It feels as though it was just yesterday Lord Farnham was here.” She gave an unsteady laugh.
Papa seemed unamused. “Do you mean to say you are still unready?”
Her heart pounded against her chest, but this was her opportunity to test the waters. “In truth, I do not know that I shall ever be anything but unready, Papa.”
His jaw tightened and something flickered in his expression, and immediately Arabella thought of the word ruthless. But the ghost of whatever it had been was replaced by a smile. “What of your dream for the shop window? Have you forgotten it?”
In truth, it had drifted to the back of her mind. But that did not mean she had forgotten it or no longer wished for it. The truth was, she selfishly wished to have everything her heart desired: the shop window, Mr. Hayes, and Papa’s approval. “No.”
“We agreed, did we not, that fulfilling such a dream would come only if you proved yourself?”
Her stomach swarmed. Did he mean to say she would not be permitted to design the window unless she married Lord Farnham?
“Naturally, I wish for you to be able to do precisely that. Your happiness is of paramount importance to me, my dear. You cannot doubt that.”
“No, Papa.” He did care about her happiness. They simply disagreed on what would bring it about.
“We must work together to make a future with which you will be content. Am I thrilled with the idea of the shop window? Hardly. And yet, I have agreed to entertain the idea. But what sort of father would I be if I allowed my daughter—one who is not yet wise to the ways of the world—to forgo a blindingly brilliant match merely because she feels unready?”
He let that thought simmer for a moment before continuing. “No one is particularly ready for marriage, Arabella. It is a leap into an unknown which can only become known and comfortable through lived experience.”
Her mind and tongue fought over a response. If what he said was true, why was the thought of marriage to Lord Farnham increasingly repulsive to her, while the thought of marriage to Mr. Hayes grew inside her like hunger?
“Lord Farnham is returning to Town tomorrow,” Papa said.
“I intend to write to arrange a meeting to discuss particulars. I will inform you once I have a response from him.” He stood.
“I must go fulfill my parliamentary duties.” He came over and placed a kiss upon her head. “It is all for you, my dear.”
Arabella stared blankly at the crumbs on her plate, and within moments, the door closed behind him.
All Arabella knew was that she needed to see Mr. Hayes again, and she knew who could help her arrange it.
Whether Mr. Hayes would agree to see her was a question that could only be answered by posing it to him.
He had been so adamant that nothing was possible between them.
When he had kissed her, it had been a result of her asking—nay, begging—him to do so.
Not that he had seemed at all reluctant…
He had been clear in both word and deed that he cared for her.
She had to hope those feelings would be enough to make him agree to see her again.