11. How haven’t I tired you out yet? #2
Maybe he’d be able to read my mind so I wouldn’t have to ask him. I could say demeaning things about myself all day long, but when it came to apologizing or asking important questions, I failed in a spectacular fashion.
“You’re something else. Did it ever occur to you that maybe you did me a huge favor?
I knew long before I had solid proof. Audrey was a lot of things, but she wasn’t discreet, nor was she very good at covering her tracks.
Just so we’re clear, I’ll be very blunt: she was sneaking in home pregnancy tests when we hadn’t been sleeping together often—if at all.
Exhibit one: she made no effort to hide her period.
Exhibit two: she developed a habit of doing a pregnancy test four or five days after her trysts.
At least she had the brains to sleep around outside my house rather than inside.
I had other suspicions, too. No, I was more than happy about getting out of that relationship, and you provided all the proof I needed. ”
I had a feeling Audrey had taken someone for a ride in Quinn’s backyard. Yick. Central Park was bad enough, but out where the neighbors might spot her? “Wow. Why bring me into it?”
“I figured if I had the Calamity Queen’s help, I’d catch her in the worst way possible.
That way, I’d get through the divorce without her trying to pull any of her crazy shit.
It worked, mostly. I didn’t anticipate her brother getting hold of gorgon dust and a cellphone bomb.
I’m so sorry you got involved in that mess. ”
Were there people seriously calling me the Calamity Queen? “Please tell me no one actually calls me the Calamity Queen.”
“I plead the Fifth.”
I groaned. “Maybe it’s true, but that’s terrible, Quinn. Anyway, it’s better he did the dust and bomb against me. I’m immune. You’re not.”
“I’m still sorry you got involved in their crazy shit.”
Crazy was one way to put it. The dust and bomb was one level of crazy.
My desire to jump Quinn in his own car before we ever made it to the station bordered on insane.
Then again, crazy was my reaction to him.
I’d have enough trouble keeping my hands to myself on the drive to Manhattan.
Just the thought of possibly going three months without finding my way into his bed frustrated me.
Why would Audrey even consider abstaining?
“All right. I give. How the hell did she keep her hands off you for so long?”
“I’m still trying to figure out how you kept your hands off me for so long. Years, even. Do you really think of me as various models?”
“God, no!” I sucked in a breath. “Wait. That really happened?”
“Yes, Bailey. Yes, it did. You really hated my Lakers jersey, too—so much you demanded I strip out of it. Perkins wouldn’t stop laughing.
He even caught a video of you on the strong painkillers.
From what we’ve pieced together, we suspect you were hallucinating.
Your hospital room was apparently occupied by a bunch of spiders.
Most women scream when they see spiders.
You? No, you were in tears begging us to bring them flies so they wouldn’t starve to death. ”
I had no memory of any spiders, real or hallucinatory. “I did no such thing.”
“You did. We have video evidence, Bailey. I’m not above using it as blackmail. While I’d like your promise you’ll sleep with me again, I’ll negotiate to keep the videos a secret.”
If Quinn wanted to play, I’d play—and I’d love every second of it.
“I’m going to need to see proof of this video’s existence before I agree to anything.
” If he couldn’t figure out I had every intention of learning the art of seduction with him as my test subject, he deserved to squirm.
“You could be making that up just to get me to sleep with you again. You’re going to have to do better than that, Chief Quinn. ”
“For such a recently deflowered virgin with a reputation for being a thorn bush without a single rose, it didn’t take you long to figure out how to use your feminine wiles against me.”
“Deflowered? The historic romance section just called. They’re looking for their lost stud.”
“When you’re good, you’re good, and I’m good. I can’t help it I’m so good I’m timeless.”
Why me? “If thinking that helps you sleep at night…”
“I think I’ll be enjoying something a lot better in my near future.”
Yes, please. I thanked the universe so it wouldn’t kick my ass for being ungrateful.
Then again, maybe I was just having a really great dream, one where I had a cold and someone willing to pamper me and feed me tidbits of grilled steak and grapes in his tub to make me feel better. “Keep dreaming, Quinn.”
I made it all the way to Quinn’s office, where I collapsed onto his couch and didn’t budge for at least eight hours.
I had a faint recollection of people trying to talk to me on the way in, although I couldn’t remember who or why.
Quinn’s blanket smelled like him, and I woke to him talking on the phone with someone, his tone warning me the caller tested every last bit of his patience.
Since listening in was rude, I pulled his blanket over my head and burrowed under the throw pillow.
It felt like an eternity before he finally hung up. “Rise and shine, Gardener. You’re going to love this.”
I was going to love murdering whoever was behind me having to get off the couch.
“I’m going to love what? Actually, there is no chance I will love anything.
I will kill whoever just called, and when I’m done tossing them out the window by their entrails, I’ll light them on fire. Go away. I’m going back to bed.”
“Defenestrate.”
“What?”
“Defenestrate and disembowel. Those are the words you want. You’re going to disembowel Yale and defenestrate his corpse. If you’re going to kill someone, at least take the time to do it properly.”
“That was Professor Yale?”
“It sure was.”
The identity of the caller confirmed I didn’t want to know what was going on. “I’m sleeping. Good night.”
“It’s morning, and in the past ten minutes, there have been six gorgon bile reports, two incidents involving harpies, a phoenix sighting, and a swarm of pixies on a sugar high. Yale called me to get you to deal with the bile.”
“Ask the phoenix to deal with the bile.” I shivered. “It is bile, right?”
“While tempting to find someone brave enough—and stupid enough—to approach a phoenix and ask it to deal with a group of drunk gorgons, I suspect it wouldn’t work out too well for the city.
Turns out the gorgons went to a bar, got hammered, and tried to walk home afterwards.
They made it about a mile before they decided to sit down and play with their own vomit.
These specific gorgons are registered as living in New Jersey. ”
“They were trying to walk to New Jersey?”
“From Lower Manhattan. They used to be very drunk, now they’re very hungover.”
“If you ask really nicely, maybe the CDC will take pity on you and take care of everything except your pixie problem.”
“They are.”
I rolled over and pulled his blanket tighter around me. “I’m going back to sleep, Quinn.”
“Would you believe that the CDC suggested I contact some woman named Bailey Gardener to make sure the gorgons headed home without further incident and decontaminate the sidewalk and bar?” Quinn chuckled.
I peeked out from beneath the blanket and pillow. “I hate you.”
The police chief propped his feet up on his desk and smirked at me. “I told them I might know someone named Bailey Gardener. You were looking for a new job anyway, right? I’m pretty sure cleaning up gorgon bile is your favorite thing on Earth.”
“I would rather deal with the pixies.”
“Oh? Are you volunteering? That could be arranged—after you check out the bile situation.” Quinn reached for his phone and pressed a few buttons. “Calems, bring your partner to my office. I have a job for you.”
“You’re really going to make me deal with more bile, aren’t you?”
“I’d send Perkins with you so he’d have a real reason to throw up, but it’s his day off. Have fun, Gardener. Try not to napalm anything this time.”
“I hate you so, so much.”