12. If Officer Fluffy barked at me, I’d sock him in the snout. #3
I had no idea what I’d do about the incubus, but I’d figure that out after I hosed everyone down and reversed the petrification.
In a miracle of the highest order, the CDC sent two angels.
In typical angel fashion, they manifested outside the bar in a column of golden light within five minutes of my call.
On the surface, they looked human—almost. They had two legs, two arms, and a chest connecting all the pieces together.
Feathered wings of white with bands of gold and sky blue sprouted from their shoulders.
Neither one of them wore a single stitch of clothes, but they didn’t need them.
With nothing to cover, what was the point of clothing?
One day, maybe if the seas parted and the skies burned, I might get used to an angel’s lack of a head.
“Hi. I’m Bailey. I’m certified with the CDC. Have you been briefed?”
“They said you have an incubus problem.” I couldn’t tell which one spoke. How could they speak without a mouth? If they didn’t eat, how did they not fall over dead?
I suspected immortals enjoyed toying with humanity just because they could.
Angels could pull a far better teleportation trick than I could.
I was willing to bet they could manifest a head with eyes, nose, mouth, and even hair if they felt like it.
Instead of voicing my opinion, I replied, “You could say that. A quartet of gorgons hunting for a human surrogate joined forces with an incubus, so I have a bar full of petrified people, more gorgon bile to clean up than I care to think about, and an incubus in the middle of a foursome. When the reversal of petrification begins, it’s going to get rather rowdy.
I’d like to start spraying the area down and save the incubus and his girlfriends for last. Unless you’re immune to petrification, if you could stay by the door until hell breaks loose, I’d appreciate it. ”
“Wise. We can help you once hell breaks loose, so do not worry. We will leave the details to you.”
I got the feeling the angels wouldn’t notice a gorgon even if it tried to gnaw on their ankles. “Thanks. I appreciate the help.”
Look at me, capable of mastering the art of being polite to people in the face of gorgon bile.
Since pissing off an angel or two would end my existence on Earth, and probably elsewhere, too, I grabbed the nearest sprayer, yanked out the pin, and went to work.
I went the deluge route, soaking the whole bar down, ceiling included, and hoped I neutralized the bile and other gorgon fluids in the place long enough to get the naked revelers outside for a proper decontamination.
I didn’t envy the people stuck with the paperwork—or the paternity tests that were required.
Did Quinn even like kids? Would he mind an entire herd of miniature people? I was game for entire herds of miniature people.
Stupid incubus. Stupid ovaries. Stupid ovaries in the presence of a tripped-out incubus.
The closer I got to the incubus, the stronger his influence grew, until I was dripping with sweat.
I really wished Quinn would walk through the door so I could solve every last one of my life’s problems with sex—a lot of hot, kinky sex.
I stormed to the door, dumped the first empty extinguisher onto the sidewalk, grabbed the next one, and somehow kept my tongue under strict control so I wouldn’t start cursing in front of a pair of angels.
The bastards were probably having a field day watching me dodge the patrons slowly reversing from petrification. Their poses as statues had been bad enough, but as they returned to living flesh, they resumed their orgy right where they had left off, and they weren’t quiet about it, either.
Jesus Christ in a bucket, couldn’t they at least keep it down? With my face burning bright red, I ditched the second empty canister, grabbed the third one, and unleashed the pink foam on the incubus and his trio of eager ladies.
Being within ten feet of a petrified incubus made me want to abandon ship, hunt Quinn down, and drag him into an alley. The instant stone began reverting to flesh, desire seared through me, so intense I panted as my body warmed and ached.
I shook, and my first step back began with a whimper and ended with a breathy gasp. The little bit of distance helped, and I made it a second step.
There would be no pouncing and jumping the incubus. I would head right for the door without a single side trip. I wouldn’t jump the angels, either. I’d save the sexual assault for the only sober, uninfluenced man capable of putting up with me for any length of time.
I really hoped Quinn would forgive me when I got my hands on him.
“Should be clear,” I whispered.
I didn’t moan. I refused to acknowledge the sound that came from my throat had any resemblance to a moan. As far as I was concerned, the first one hadn’t slipped out, and neither had the second.
If I ever ended up in an incubus-infested bar again, I’d remember to ask for earplugs, some sedatives, and maybe some sort of suppressant for my ovaries. Did they sell such a thing? If it didn’t exist, someone needed to invent it, fast.
Most importantly, if I ever ended up in an incubus-infested bar again, I’d remember I wasn’t immune to angel song.
Two angels singing in chorus had me on my knees by the end of the first note.
By the start of the second, I couldn’t even remember my own name.
My body went cold and numb, and on the third note, the heavens descended and bashed me over the head.
An angel brought me back to Earth with a slap across the face so hard I yelped.
I blinked at the headless, winged figure, who clutched a handful of my shirt in an iron-strong grip.
A six inch layer of pink goop coated the entire bar.
Yippee. Someone must have brought in a tanker of neutralizer while leaving me with a duet of angels.
One of them must have kept me from drowning in the thick gunk.
“Other humans are flighty birds, squawking their dismay you are in here and not out there. They complain. It is not our fault our song so moves you. Please convince your fellow humans you have not been struck down.”
My throbbing head disagreed with them; if they hadn’t struck me down, they’d done something.
Smited? Smote? Ah, hell. At least I hadn’t drowned during the hosing.
I hung limp in the angel’s hand, turning my head enough to get a look at the pink disaster around me.
The bar wouldn’t be the same, and it wouldn’t surprise me if the place shimmered for years to come. “Incubus?”
“Calmed. Asleep. The humans took him away. We use their meter as they instructed, it kept quiet, but still they fear.”
I giggled, forced my hand to move, and gestured to where the angel’s head should have been. “It’s the whole no-head thing. Don’t worry about it. You’re so awe-inspiring they can’t handle your awesome incubus-smiting ways.” Oh, yippee. I sounded drunk. Great. “Maybe a halo. A halo might help.”
On the grand scale of things, I’d never been so wrong in my life. I was so wrong the angels had to slap the sin out of me to knock the sense back into my skull. “Pretty stars,” I slurred.
At least I came away with an understanding of why mortals couldn’t go to heaven until after death.
I’m pretty sure I caught a glimpse of it, and I hid from the memory like a turtle withdrawing into its shell at the first sign of trouble.
I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad, but something about it made my skin crawl.
“I was wrong,” I informed the angels. “No halos.”
Both of them laughed, the sound tinkling in my head, as delicate as crystal chimes in the wind. “You only died a little. This is good.”
Angels had a morbid sense of humor. Who knew? “How long was I out?”
“Dying only a little takes a little time. The sun set a little while ago. We told the upset, complaining humans outside you needed a little time to stop dying a little.”
I groaned. Why did I have the sinking feeling time meant absolutely nothing to an immortal? Right. If the sun was down, at least three or four hours had gone by. “And the bar patrons?”
“They are calm. Happy, even. Incubus magic does that to humans. We have conferred with the humans overseeing things, and we offered to glimpse a little into their futures. Incubus magic brings many young, but human young. Incubus magic did not help the gorgons procreate. The rest falls under the dominion of humans and is not for us to decide.”
“Oh boy.” I shook my head to clear it and forced myself to sit up.
“You should take a little time. Get up in little time, so you do not die a little again. That would be inconvenient.”