15. Why are you wearing my clothes, Quinn? #2
“Three in the morning. We got stuck in traffic leaving New York, leaving New Jersey, again in Baltimore, and one last time in Washington. I tried telling the chief taking the 95 was a dumbass move, but he insisted. Since I had talked back—and was right—the chief thought I’d be the best one to wake you.
I’m not sure if he thinks you like me or if I’m just expendable.
He’s inside, and thanks to a little bit of powdered joy, he’s in a really good mood.
I may have spiked his coffee with some pixie dust I bought from Mary.
If he hasn’t figured it out, don’t tell him. ”
Why would Mary sell a cop pixie dust? Was she insane? Was she trying to get arrested? I sighed and took another sip of my coffee. Nope, turned out coffee didn’t have magical properties capable of restoring sanity to the world. Bummer. “Mary sold you dust. What grade, Perky?”
“C. The tiny vial sealed in red wax scares me, especially since she put it in my pants. I got groped by a faery. If my wife finds out, she’s going to kill me.” Perky pulled out a vial I recognized as containing A+++ pixie dust. “I’m pretty sure having this in my pants is a felony of some sort.”
I sighed, as he was correct about the felony part.
The thick coating of wax would probably keep the vial from breaking if someone dropped it.
At least Mary—or whoever had packaged it—had treated the batch like the hazardous material it was.
While pixie dust of any grade wouldn’t actually hurt someone, it took days for the highest grade stuff to wear off, and anyone dosed could be talked into doing anything with a smile.
“Give me that, you idiot. Did she really give that to you?” I secured my grip on my coffee with one hand and snatched the vial with the other. “You were right. Having this is a felony. Do you know what would happen if I dosed you with this?”
“I’d be the happiest man on Earth, and I wouldn’t be exaggerating.”
“You’d be my slave, too. You’d be so happy you’d do whatever anyone wanted and not even think twice about it.”
“But I’d be happy, Gardener. Would you deny me my happiness?”
“Yes.” To make certain he didn’t get any ideas, I stuffed the tiny vial into my bra. If Quinn wanted to find some happiness down my shirt, I’d consider having a fortunate accident occur. “Since C grade doesn’t actually require a special license, we’ll pretend you didn’t have this vial, Perky.”
“Despite appearances, I’m actually a good cop.
I was issued a temporary permit. She can’t stock it in her shop without you, so she requested someone to dispose of it.
The CDC gave me a permit since I’m the closest thing they had to a reasonable adult at the station.
I’ve been sitting on that for weeks waiting for a chance to give it to you in private.
I figured you wouldn’t want anyone knowing you were packing the good stuff. ”
“Did the CDC tell you what they wanted me to do with this vial?”
“No, they didn’t. I figured the certified specialist would know what to do with it.”
“Great. I’ll have to call in and ask. Wonderful. Haven’t they caused me enough problems for one week? I’m still surprised they gave you a permit. You really have them fooled, don’t you?”
Perky laughed. “I know. It’s like they think I’m a cop with a doctorate for some reason. So weird.”
If Mary had unloaded the A+++ vial, what had happened to the A++ one? Some instinct, the same one that had warned me Chief Quinn was walking trouble the first time I’d seen him, blared silent alarms. “What happened to the A++ vial?”
“What A++ vial?”
“The one Mary had in stock.”
“I have no idea. She gave me this one plus some C for the station. She even had a permit to sell the C grade vial. She gave me a really good price on it, too. Maybe she used the A++ dust? She was pretty happy when I saw her.”
Why me? I’d have to investigate eventually, which meant I’d be sent to her shop, which meant I’d have to deal with the disaster surrounding my terminated employment in person.
Unlike Mary, I wouldn’t be cruising on a high to get through the discussion.
“Please tell me you scanned the vials to confirm their grades.”
“Yes, Mom.” Perky snorted and got out of the SUV. “Now that you’ve had your coffee, can we go inside? I’m sure Chief Quinn is causing trouble for someone without adult supervision, and Nilman likes encouraging him.”
“Where are we, anyway?”
“Richmond, Virginia. It had the nearest courthouse to the state line serving nocturnals.”
I really needed to hunt Quinn down and figure out why we couldn’t have gotten the preliminary documentation from a New York courthouse. Why would anyone, including the police commissioner, suggest Virginia or Ohio? “Why are we here again?”
Next time, I needed to ask more questions before I got into an SUV with anyone. How had I ended up so far from home? What had I been thinking? Oh, right. I hadn’t been thinking. I’d been too tired to think.
“Why are you asking me?”
“Because I have no idea what’s going on. I haven’t had enough coffee yet.” To demonstrate the truth of my words, I took another sip of coffee. Then another. I guzzled it down and set the empty cup in the holder. “I haven’t had enough coffee yet,” I repeated.
Snickering, Perky opened the door and untangled me from Quinn’s blanket. “You’re still tired, aren’t you? Poor girl. You’ve had a tough week.”
“I will kill you, Perky. I will smile while I do it.”
“No, you won’t. You like me too much to kill me.”
I sighed because it was true. “How much dust did you give him?”
“The last I saw him, he was smiling ear to ear. I may have heard him giggle.”
“God. You got him that high? He only needs a light dose. I’m surrounded by idiots!”
Perky laughed. “You better go rescue him, then.”
“I really will kill you, Perky, and I really will smile while I do it. Why the hell did you drive us all the way here? We could have gotten a stupid bogus license anywhere, even in New York. Damn it!”
“You were so much nicer after Chief Quinn tucked you in and you were sleeping like a little baby. Well, except for when you had that nightmare, screamed, and startled me so much I may have driven the SUV right off the road into a ditch. Fortunately, it was a shallow ditch. My SUV didn’t mind too much. ”
“You drove your car off the road.”
“You slept right through it, too. Fortunately, you only screamed once and whimpered a few times before settling down.”
Great. Now everyone would be questioning my sanity. “You’d have nightmares, too, if you had the week I’ve had.”
“Gardener, I’d be dead.”
I grimaced. “While that might be true, you didn’t have to say it.”
“If you say no, he’ll cry.”
Full stop. Startled, I stared at him. If I said no? If I said no to what? To who? “What?”
“If you say no, Chief Quinn will cry.”
With one mystery solved, I tried to deduce what I might say no about.
Sex? There was no way in hell I could see myself saying no to sex with him.
Well, unless I was dying of the plague or something.
That would make some sense. Or in public.
I couldn’t imagine Quinn wanting to have sex in public.
He seemed like the type to enjoy his privacy.
“Say that again. Slowly, just to make certain I heard you correctly.”
“If you say no, Chief Quinn will cry.”
Did anyone think I’d say no to a marriage license so no one would bother me about being a surrogate? I’d enjoy my claim to Quinn for the next six months. “Explain it in smaller words I can understand.”
“Wow, Gardener. I used monosyllabic words. How the hell am I supposed to use smaller words? Most of them max out at three letters. You know what? Forget I said anything. I’ll just sit back and enjoy the show.”
What show? All I needed was a stupid piece of paper proving the existence of a man idiotic enough to marry me. What did Perky think was going to happen?
Crazy cops.
“I need more coffee for this.”
“Fortunately for you, Chief Quinn anticipated your special needs and bought you a second one.” Perky pointed at a cup in the front seat holders. “Take it for the road.”
Miracles could happen. I grabbed the cup and slid out of the SUV, stifling a yawn. “Thank you, coffee gods.”
“You’re welcome.”
The problem with going to a courthouse in the middle of the night involved the nocturnals the system served.
Every city had at least one courthouse open from dusk to dawn with full judicial services catering to those unable to venture out into the sunlight.
Vampires and the various incorporeal supernatural came to mind, but a lot of people took advantage of the late hours to take care of paperwork.
To make matters worse, vampires often served as the late-night staff, allowing them to participate in bloodless hunts. Without fail, they’d have at least one vampire and an entire coven of lawyers waiting to prey on hapless idiots expecting the night court to be simpler than the day court.
On a bad night, the place would be infested with incubi and succubi, vampires, ghouls, and other undead nasties needing to navigate the murky waters of government paperwork. On the really bad nights, hell broke loose on Earth in a very literal sense.
And then there were nights when my mother and father stood in the courthouse lobby and engaged in a glaring match with Quinn while an angel, an incubus, Nilman, several vampires, and an amused human couple watched. Hell no. Hell no.
No, no, no. Absolutely not.
Someone must have spiked my coffee with a hallucinogen. There was no other explanation.
“And we’re done here.” I almost managed to turn around to walk out, but Perky linked his arm with mine and dragged me deeper into the building. “Hey!”
My protest caught everyone’s attention, and Quinn’s cheek twitched. “Gardener, are you actually related to these people?”
I turned to Perky, casting a desperate look at the doors. “How long has he been in here?”
“Twenty minutes.”