16. Your grandfather’s a pain in my ass.
SIXTEEN
Your grandfather’s a pain in my ass.
Quinn
The Devil pinned me in the bath tub, shoved a pill down my throat, and said, “This is going to hurt.”
Great. I opened my mouth to ask what he’d given me when fire swept through my body. Instead of questioning the Devil, I yelped.
As promised, it hurt, but the pain faded after a brief but intense flash. The next thing I knew, the tub had become a great deal more crowded. My visual perspective had changed, granting me a broader field of vision than I expected, but colors seemed somehow muted and less vibrant.
“Oh, that’s unexpected. I guess it’s easier to shift when you’re already used to transformations.
Well, that’s something. Memorize this form, nephew.
It’s a good trick in your incubus arsenal when your wife is being stubborn and doesn’t want to shift back to human.
When you stand, be aware you have four hooves instead of hands and feet. ”
How was I supposed to memorize a form?
“Your grandfather’s a pain in my ass,” the Devil complained. “Not teaching you all of your incubus tricks. You need to remember the feel of it. Concentrate. Focus on the part of you that feels the oddest. That’s usually a good way to remember the feel.”
Wait. Hooves? I blinked, lifted my head, and looked down.
After seeing my wife as a cindercorn so many times, I recognized the black and red mottling in my fur and the tips of the retractable claws peeking out of my hooves.
I snorted, and flame burst out of my nose.
The flame’s color captured my attention, bright and vibrant compared to everything else.
“Best class of transformative money and magic can create,” the Devil announced.
“And because you’re already a shapeshifter, you can get back to your human form unlike most. Now, I did meddle a little to ensure you became a cindercorn; if left to your own devices, you would’ve become a rather impressive serpent of the dragon variety. ”
Dragon? I lifted my head to stare at the Devil with wide eyes.
I loved Bailey, and I loved when she pranced around as a unicorn, but I could be a dragon?
Because of my gorgon heritage, I’d skipped out on the transformative tests, as nobody knew what would happen.
The CDC had gone along with it, as they weren’t sure what would happen, either.
I’d need to find out if I could pop transformatives like Bailey and shift back at my whim.
“As a matter of fact, yes. It’s one of the perks of being a shapeshifter.
The CDC hasn’t clued in to that anomaly yet; lycanthropes, shapeshifters, and most demons can be influenced by transformatives, but thanks to their genetics, can transform back to human even with the potent drugs.
You’ll be able to do that parlor trick one of these days, but when you do, it’ll really piss your wife off.
Dragons are slightly more impressive than cindercorns.
Unlike her, you’re not a natural cindercorn.
I’m just taking advantage of your devilish and demonic ancestry to allow you to shift into her form.
Of the appropriate gender, of course. You were aware incubi can shift into any species they want, yes? ”
I nodded.
“The transformative is just paving the way with a few nudges from me. You were supposed to be in agonizing pain for at least twenty minutes. Unfair, dodging the first of your torture sessions.”
The Devil had a wicked sense of humor. Aware I could poke holes in his tub with my claws, I rolled and got to my hooves, mimicking how Bailey rose when she lounged about on her favorite rug.
I opened my mouth and experimented with my equine lips, which didn’t form the shapes I needed to speak very well.
“That part I can’t help you with. It’s unlikely you’ll be mastering English anytime soon. Honestly, it’s impressive your bride can at all.”
Being told I couldn’t lit a fire under my ass, and I twisted my ears back. “Can.”
The Devil sighed. “You’re definitely my nephew. You must drive my brother absolutely wild. Keep doing it. I approve. I’m going to be your favorite uncle in no time. Just think the questions you want to ask. It’ll be faster that way.”
I wanted to know why he switched between bride and wife when discussing Bailey, and I stared at him while waiting for an answer.
“Blame our family for that one. They can’t decide how to address her, either.
You’re just as bad, too. You like wife when you’re being particularly possessive, and you prefer bride when you want to be romantic or she’s wrapped you around her finger even more than usual.
That’s not hard. She just has to smile for that. You’re hopeless.”
I was. Careful to avoid destroying the tub, I stepped out onto the bathroom tiles, keeping an eye on my hooves and retractable claws.
“So, now that you won’t be immediately incinerated due to exposure to hellfire, shall we move on to the next portion of the process?
This part will hurt quite a bit, but you’ll find it worth the price.
Mostly. As you can’t teleport without help, when you become a conduit, you won’t relocate yourself to another plane; that’s your bride’s problem.
She can teleport, so once she uses her magic to its full potential, she’ll transport herself to a different plane.
Her controlled teleportation is limited.
Her real range goes beyond what she can control, thus the need for a conduit.
What a conduit is, in this case, is a beacon she can teleport to.
So, once you’re properly attuned, all you or your Sunny will have to do is create a beam of light for her to catch.
That’s actually simpler than it sounds—at least it will be once I’m finished with you. ”
The Devil pointed at my left leg, and I looked down to discover my grandfather’s bracelet glowing through my fur.
I lifted my leg for a closer look; I’d never poked much at Bailey’s left foreleg while she was a unicorn looking for the mark; I’d assumed it was still present in some form or another.
“That’s the key to this working, truth be told, so you’ll have to thank my brother for that later.
Once you’ve been exposed sufficiently to fire, you’ll just need to concentrate on your binding.
That will reflect to your bride’s, and will open the conduit.
Once again, after I finish forging the connection between you two.
Now, follow along. We’re on a schedule.”
For someone who thought he was on a schedule, the Devil strolled along without a care in the world, leading me through the high-vaulted hallways until he reached a door leading outside.
Lakes of fire and brimstone merrily burned and bubbled away, with the nearest geysers of flame bursting towards the black sky close enough I could stretch my neck and touch them if I really wanted.
Some form of magic kept its heat from me, and I appreciated the Devil’s air conditioning system once I realized how close the flames came to his home.
“It is pretty impressive, isn’t it?”
I bobbed my head.
“All right, little nephew. In you go!” The Devil pressed his hands to my hindquarters and shoved me into the nearest molten pool. “Have fun. I’ll be back for you in an hour. Try not to burn the house down.”
Bailey
Perkette made me go to every damned FBI building in the state of Nevada for napalm before deciding I might have enough, including her homemade batch, to cause trouble at the gypsum mine.
I disliked having to carry buckets of fluid on my back, as they tended to bounce into my ribs where they hung from my saddle.
I also wanted to gobble them down, as I was tired, cranky, and ready for a nap.
“You can’t nap,” Perkette informed me while triple-checking our guns. In the distance, the mine loomed, and the large, central dome gleamed in the setting sunlight. “We have to go rescue Janet.”
According to my trail, I’d find her within the domed structure. Amusingly, my magic had common sense; it ended at the fence surrounding the compound, as though afraid it would expose my rescue attempt if it proceeded any farther.
“Re-move sad-dle, re-move bri-dle,” I said, giving my mane a shake. “Need bag of neutralizer around neck. May need for Janet. You shoot people not me or Janet, yes?”
“Shooting people is a bigger crime than a misdemeanor,” Perkette complained.
“Death in de-fense of an-other is no crime. You no get re-cord. Any-one who chase us bad person who kid-nap Janet. Unless Quinn show up. Or Perky. Don’t shoot them. Or children. Unless they’re evil children?”
“How am I supposed to tell if they’re evil children?”
“If try to kill Janet they evil and only look like children. Like mini demon devil things.”
“You realize you married someone who is part demon, right?”
“But he sex demon, not kill Janet demon,” I replied in my most solemn voice. “Very sexy sex demon. Very.”
Perkette snickered. “I love your brain so much. Are you sure you don’t want me to go in with you?”
“You no im-mune to pet-ri-fi-cation. I im-mune to pet-ri-fi-cation. I look forward to stomping bad gor-gons.”
“This is true.” Perkette sighed. “Please don’t get into any trouble. Please don’t burn down the entire mine.”
“But what if I want to? They kid-nap Janet!”
“Bailey. It’s an entire mine! You can’t burn it down with the amount of napalm you have.” Perkette slid off my back, removed both buckets of napalm from my saddle, and set them on the ground in front of me. “Two little buckets. That’s not enough napalm for you to burn it all down.”
“I make it be enough,” I replied.
“You’re insane, aren’t you?”
“You just fi-gure this out? Silly Per-kette.”
“You’re right. It was obvious. Are you sure you want to go in there alone?”
“I be stealthy like ninja. Res-cue Janet. Then find out who and why and burn them!”
“Shouldn’t you try to arrest them?”
“No?”
“Bailey.”
“What? They kid-nap Janet. Burn them!”
“You can’t just burn people you don’t like, Bailey.”
“Why the fuck not? They take Janet!”