17. I was beginning to believe a miracle would be required.
SEVENTEEN
I was beginning to believe a miracle would be required.
Bailey
First, I needed to get Janet out of the building before I burned it, which would be an interesting endeavor. I excelled at blowing things up—or stopping things from blowing up.
I needed a few classes on hostage recovery, stat.
I suspected Quinn would be dragging me to classes to make sure I wasn’t an incompetent Chief of Police starting the instant we made our way home.
One day, preferably before I died of old age, I would stop attending classes of some sort.
Maybe. If I asked my grandfather-in-law, could he arrange for a miracle?
I was beginning to believe a miracle would be required to turn my life into something almost sane.
As requested, Perkette tied a bag of neutralizer around my neck so I could treat Janet if she was petrified as I suspected. Once she was mobile, getting her out would be simple enough.
I could run really, really fast despite the lack of sunlight offering me a quick and easy lift. Not only could I run fast, I could stab obstructions with my horn and claw them into submission. Janet could ride, mostly. I hoped she’d be able to ride without a saddle or bridle.
They’d get in the way, and if I had to start burning things in earnest, they’d fry. I didn’t have another saddle or bridle if I broke mine.
I really needed a new set—and a spare.
As the sunset light had grown too dim to ride, I jumped over the fence and crept towards the dome. I took my time, hoping the darkness would mask my presence from anyone watching. Then again, would anyone truly be looking?
Nobody expected a fire-breathing unicorn to show up in the middle of the desert, far enough away from civilization to be inconvenient. I checked over my shoulder to make sure Perkette had remained behind.
She had.
I took a few more steps, double checked the mad scientist with a fetish for causing trouble hadn’t followed, and plowed into something large and warm. I snorted, scrambled back, tripped over my own hooves, and crashed to the hard-packed ground.
Ouch.
I’d seen enough incubi to recognize one, although I’d never seen one in a suit sheathed in flame before. I scrambled upright to discover he wasn’t alone.
Where had an incubus gotten a very large cindercorn? I flattened my ears and bared my teeth over how much larger the stallion was compared to me. He braced his legs and shook his head, and heat radiated from his fur.
“I stole him,” the incubus replied, and I snorted over his reading of my thoughts. “Yes, I am. Also, I’m not an incubus. I’m your uncle.”
I blinked. I had an uncle who was an incubus who didn’t believe he was an incubus?
The incubus-whatsit pointed at the cindercorn. “Merry Christmas. That’s your incubus, and I helped him learn how to be more useful to you in the future.”
What the hell was going on? I flicked an ear forward, as there was only one incubus I considered to be mine. “Quinn? That Quinn? Quinn cin-der-corn? Not gor-gon in-cu-bus whats-it doo-hickey?”
“He is. And as he’s my little nephew, you’re my little niece, so you get to call me your uncle.
You’re welcome. Oh, don’t mind him. He’s not used to teleporting, so he’ll need a few moments to regain his bearings.
Do have fun rescuing your cop, try not to get too excited until after you get her to safety, and try not to cause too much trouble.
I mean, you’re going to cause trouble. That’s inevitable.
You’re involved. Also, I fed him a rather ridiculous amount of potent napalm, so if you need something to be lit on fire, he can do it. ”
I had an uncle? I sucked in a breath at that.
What was I supposed to do with an uncle?
How did uncles even work? Were uncles like crazy versions of parents?
While I liked Quinn’s parents, mine needed a trip straight to hell.
“But who you? Which crazy family member you brother of? Why you bring Quinn? Quinn babysit!”
The incubus-whatsit cackled his laughter. “You’ll find out soon enough. To begin with, your children are perfectly safe, so don’t you worry about that.”
“Puppy, too?”
“Your puppy is safe, too,” the incubus-whatsit replied. “And I’m not a whatsit. I’m the Devil.”
First, Quinn had a gorgon for a grandfather, an incubus for a grandfather, an angel for a grandfather, divines for great-grandparents, and now I had to deal with the Devil?
Wait. Could the Devil send my parents straight to hell?
The Devil snickered. “It won’t be a straight trip to hell. There will be some memorable detours, one of which will occur near Christmas. I’m a fan of just desserts, and this one will be particularly delicious. Like chocolate but better. I have a special place prepared for them.”
I shot Quinn an accusing look. “You very bad. Bad Quinn. You no tell me the Devil part of your crazy family.”
The way the cindercorn lowered his head, flopped his ears to the sides, and heaved a pained sigh did a good job of convincing me he was my Quinn. “I didn’t know,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry, my beautiful.”
What didn’t look like Quinn but acted like Quinn and sounded like Quinn was very probably Quinn, and I had no complaints with having Quinn accessible as a stallion for my future enjoyments—and for lighting things on fire.
“Oh! You talk good. You be able to do cin-der-corn more later? We have fun. Lots fun. And fire. You stick head in fire-place, too. I like this. Fire-place big enough for even you. You big.” I spent a few moments admiring him.
“You very big. You really Quinn, yes? Proof.”
“For the record, she’s very ready to accept you’re you, but she’s trying to be a responsible adult for once in her life. It’s rather endearing,” the Devil said, the tip of his tail twitching. “Also, I’m the brother of your angelic grandfather-in-law.”
I knew just enough about Christianity to understand the Devil only claimed kinship with a very select group of angels, whom humanity wisely viewed with a mix of fear and awe.
Sylvester was an archangel? I snorted, my eyes widening. “Noooooo. Angels assholes. Archangels extra assholes.” It explained so much. Only an archangel would chase me around, plow me over with his magic, and make me his bitch. I moaned and joined Quinn in hanging my head. “Not fair.”
“I know. It’s terrible.” The Devil patted my shoulder. “I’ve cloaked our presence here for the moment so you aren’t discovered prematurely. I thought you would enjoy staging a rescue with your husband, and I owed him as part of a bargain.”
Fury swept through me, and I whipped my head around and bit Quinn’s shoulder. As a cindercorn, he could handle a few bites, even if I caught him with my teeth. “Bad! No bargain with Devil. You bad.”
The Devil snickered. “Technically, he bargained with a lesser devil.”
“That even worse,” I snapped, giving my husband another bite. Quinn tasted deliciously of sulfur and napalm, and I switched from biting to licking. “Oh. You tasty. Dipped in nay-palm for my enjoyment.”
Quinn sighed. “I didn’t bargain on purpose.
I did a devil a favor. It wasn’t really a bargain.
Well, okay. It was a bargain. It was more of an open-ended favor I held over that devil’s head.
It was a good bargain for me because that devil needed my help.
And I wasn’t dipped in napalm, but I now have a rather disturbing understanding of why you enjoy it so much. ”
What the hell? Quinn could talk better than I could as a cindercorn. “Not. Fair. Why you talk so good?”
Quinn blinked, and despite the darkness, I could make out him trying to stare down his own nose in the general direction of his mouth. “Huh.”
“I helped,” the Devil announced, his tone smug.
“You help me, too, or I bite you!” I darted forward and snapped my teeth at Satan.
“Want to talk nice, too. And no bar-gain. You do it be-cause I niece and you have to spoil me. That how being niece works, right? Never been a real niece before. Have not met Quinn’s father’s brother or sister people, either.
You should do it because angels assholes and archangels extra assholes. You no be asshole.”
Quinn laughed and intervened, pushing me backwards so I couldn’t bite the Devil. “I’d be sorry for her, but I’m really not.”
“I will consider rewarding you for good behavior with making communicating easier on you, should you rescue your cop without major mishap. I’ve interfered enough, so you two have fun storming the castle.” The Devil vanished.
“I like that movie,” I admitted. “We watch it when we get home with chil-dren?”
Quinn laughed and brushed his muzzle against mine. “Whatever you want, my beautiful. This hadn’t been part of my plan, but I like it far more than sending you in against this… whatever it is… on your own.”
“Prob-ah-bull gor-gon hive. Old gyp-sum mine. We near Las Vay-gus. Janet inside.” Careful of my horn, I snuggled close to Quinn and basked in the warmth of his presence. “Why you cin-der-corn?”
“It’s just as the Devil said. He is repaying a bargain on behalf of a devil, and the rest of what he’s done wasn’t quite enough to be equivalent value. So, here I am. He thought it’d be nice if I’d be able to use my incubus genes in your favor, it seems.”
I buried my nose into his thick fur and breathed in deep. “You smell like nay-palm. You taste like nay-palm. Want to eat you up.”
Quinn chuckled. “Later,” he promised. “After we rescue Janet and get to the bottom of this once and for all.”
That sounded like the best plan I’d ever heard in my life, and I pointed my nose at the dome. “Janet in there.”
Quinn bobbed his head, and his ears twisted back. “If anyone even looks at you wrong, I look forward to tearing them into pieces.”
I considered my husband and struggled with my urge to whinny my laughter. “Just no eat them, how-ever tempt-ing. Eating sen-ti-ents is bad.”
“I wonder if I can petrify someone in this form.”
I snorted. “Let’s go find out.”
“Let’s.”
Quinn