5. Wyn
Wyn
My life kinda sucks.
That’s the general consensus, anyway.
I’ve been sitting here, for I don’t know how long, watching my life play out on a projector screen. This show doesn’t even allow popcorn, so it’s just been me watching everything, since when I was pulled out my mother’s stomach, on.
I’m up to age ten right now.
Every event. Every thought. On the big screen.
And, it kind of sucks.
I mean, I’ve never been happy. Never ever. There's been a few times I was close. Of course, when Auty wasn’t mad at me. But even then, I was sad.
No, worse.
Melancholy.
“This is depressing,” I sigh, resting my weight on my palms.
“Yeah, it kind of is.”
My smile is automatic before I even turn.
It’s been years since I heard that voice. Over twenty. And still, I know it anywhere. I was just listening to it.
She looks like me, especially at first glance. But she has more freckles than me, and they’re more concentrated on her cheeks and the bridge of her nose. She’s darker, too, more Auty’s cinnamon than my butterscotch complexion.
Her hair’s more muddy than red, too. Tight coils frame her face like the sun.
Like the sun on a Summer Dae.
Her smile widens when our gazes meet. She tilts her head toward the screen. “Hi Wynnie.”
I launch myself at her, pleasantly surprised she’s not a ghost. Her body is soft on mine as she grunts and we both fall over.
I break into uncontrollable sobs. She even smells the same. Summy always smelled like peaches. Even through all the antiseptic and hospital and death, there was always a hint of peaches to her.
Her peaches smell is stronger now, and caresses my nose. I sniff her, not caring how weird it is.
She’s real. She’s here.
“How?” I ask, holding her tighter. I don’t really want the answer. I’m okay with believing it’s magic.
“I don’t know. I don’t really care,” she replies, her voice wobbly.
“Me neither.”
We hug for long moments, before we both let go and try to discreetly wipe our faces before bursting into giggles.
Summy narrows her eyes at the top of my head. “What’s going on with your hair, Wynnie?”
I shrug. Curls have sprouted sporadically on my head, but I still look like someone’s overchewed barbie doll.
Whoever set this up couldn’t even give me a–
A beanie appears snug on my head.
“I don’t know. The details are a little murky.”
“Well, I don’t have much time, so stall me on that. I’ll just cut to the chase.”
She reaches over and pinches me hard on my arm.
“Hey–”
“I told you to keep Auty close!”
I pinch her back, and even though I can feel her skin underneath my fingers, she doesn’t flinch or acknowledge any pain.
“I tried–”
“Not hard enough! I mean, why didn’t you just tell her about Mom and Dad? Why do you take on everything like that? And don’t get me started on your car accident!”
“Because! You told me to look after her!”
Summy slaps her forehead. “Wynnie…”
I hunch my shoulders, trying to make myself appear as small as I feel. The projector is on the day I found out my parents disappeared. I looked so frazzled, adding up bills by hand and looking up the addresses to pay the different utilities in person.
“I was just trying to be a good big sister.”
Summy squeezes my knee, prompting me to meet her gaze.
“First, let me say, you did what you thought was best, and it worked out. I’m proud of you for stepping up.”
My shoulders drop just a little, since I know there’s a but coming.
“But,” she continues, making my shoulders hike up again, “you and Auty are twins, Wynnie. Six minutes apart. You are an older sister by six minutes. When I said to hold onto Auty, I meant to remember you’re a twin for a reason.
You have always had your head in the clouds, while Auty always put her head in the sand.
Both of you needed to meet in the middle.
I know you were just protecting her, but letting her keep her head in the sand only made her resent you even more. ”
“Well, the feeling’s mutual. She’s the reason I’m here, bald, and watching my pathetic life play out for you to see.” I fold my arms over my chest, wishing I could conjure up an inkling of hatred for Auty.
No such luck.
“The good thing about you both being alive is… you can get back on track.”
I snort as the projector switches to one of our last arguments.
Auty was in rare form, accusing me of lying about my relationship with our parents.
She swears I’m closer to Mom than I let on, and I have this bad habit of laughing at every low blow Auty deals me.
The only reason she didn’t try to fight me was YT calling and asking me to go to lunch with her and Brina.
Her face is contorted as she spouts insults at me. Patience and Turkey are gone, as are the kids, so she gets as loud as she wants.
For the most part, I let her. Guilt, definitely. Guilt from asking her to come with me, and inadvertently ruining her life. Guilt from not being who she needs me to be, even if she can’t reciprocate what she requires.
“Me and Auty are way past the point of reconciling, Summy. She has her own family.”
“And you’re her sister!” Summy says, confusion evident. “You’re her family, Wynnie. Stop doing that.”
“What?”
“Numbing yourself.”
My heart seizes as I look away. I want to deny what she says, I want to deny it vehemently. But Summy has been someone I could never lie to. The only person I could never lie to.
“You’ve been numbing yourself since you were a baby. Auty feels too much, and you make yourself feel nothing. Be mad, Wynnie. Get angry. Get upset. Yell, scream. I’m giving you permission. Heck, even be mad at me.”
“Never,” I giggle, turning toward her. “I can never be mad at you. If you could, you’d be here. I know that.”
“But I’m not. So be mad. They’re feelings, Wynnie, and they need to be felt.
And the only person they have to make sense to is you.
Auty can yell at you about things that have nothing to do with you.
Any time she’s upset, you know about it.
You have her thinking she is perfect, because you hold everything in.
You have everyone around you thinking they do no wrong, because you laugh everything off.
How is that fair to you? I’ll answer, it’s not. ”
“Oh, it’s easy for you to say! You’re not here! I’m not like Auty. I can’t just yell and scream and hit people and they still wanna be around me. Especially if it’s about frivolous shit.”
“Your feelings aren’t frivolous, Wynnie.
And I can’t really speak for these guys you hang with.
I can only speak for my sisters. Hold onto Auty by letting her in.
She’s been mean to you for twenty-some odd years.
She can handle you yelling for a little while.
And who knows, maybe you’ll feel lighter. ”
I roll my eyes. “I’ll try. If I ever get out of here.”
“Try on me.”
My head almost snaps off my neck.
Summy isn’t alone anymore. Fredo is sitting next to her, legs folded into his chest.
“Go ahead, Wyn. Reach deep down and tell me the fuck off.”
Summy’s eyes expand as she takes him in. “Sheesh. Who is this, Wynnie?”
“I’m her brother-in-law. Or I would have been by now, if I went with my first mind and inserted myself into her and my brother’s business.”
“I mean I get why you didn’t–”
“No, Wynnie,” Summy stops me. “Feel it. Feel whatever you tamper down.”
Blowing out air, I shift from my sister to Fredo.
It’s funny how small differences add to their individuality.
Fredo wore a mustache and goatee before he passed.
Blond streaks were dispersed in his slightly lighter hair, pulled up in a bun.
A bright tattoo is etched on his neck; he told me the pink planet covered in green slime is supposed to be Jupiter.
Fredo grew into himself after Rico left. It seemed like all the attention Rico would get transferred to Fredo, and he shined in it.
But he never forgot about me.
Somewhat.
The projector screen began flipping through different scenes of my life. Times where Fredo, Set, and I would tear the city up. Times where I’d spot him out with Set and whoever called themselves trying to take my place. Times where he’d check in, only when no one was looking.
“I can handle it–”
“Why did you abandon me with everyone else? I mean…” I clear my throat, before leveling my glare at him.
Anger feels so foreign to me. Anger toward anyone other than myself. My body fights against it. My shoulders literally shake under the weight. I feel it building and building, coiling tightly inside my chest.
“You knew more than anyone. I told you everything. You never went to bat for me. Not with Auty. Not with anyone. You let them talk shit about me when I fucked with Set. You let Auty believe I didn’t do shit for her.
We still hung out, but it wasn’t the same.
You’d check on me, sure, but you left me, too.
You knew what Rico did to me, and you still blamed me for everything.
You swore you weren’t a leader, but people listened to you.
You could have stood up for me, but you folded. Like everyone else.”
Fredo peers at me long after I finished. But I don’t feel better. Fredo’s dead, and though everything I said I really did feel, what was the point if he can’t say anything back?
“The point is getting it off your chest, Wynnie. It’s not about getting an apology or acknowledgment, even though that’s nice. It’s about you. It’s purely about you and your feelings and letting them go.”
“Yeah,” Fredo agrees. “I mean, I’m sure I had my own issues and shit, and through it all, Rico is my brother. Just like through it all, Auty is your sister. But just ‘cause you understand the sides doesn’t mean shit was right.”
“The real test is telling people still around to hear it.” Summy gestures toward the screen, and it’s frozen on Rico.
Him in my room, right before he left for the Marines. Jaw clenched from telling me I ruined us.
My eyes balloon as they dance from Summy to Fredo.
“You guys can’t be serious! He’s probably the reason I’m stuck here! He probably shaved my head!”
They share a glance before Summy gets up. “I’ll let him show you. Just… hold onto Auty, Wynnie. The real way, even if you gotta slap her with your other hand.” She leans down to kiss my crown, before it’s just me and Fredo.
A remote appears in his hand as he begins to fast forward the projector.
“You know, you never really lose memories. Your brain just locks them away to protect you. That’s why a lot of people with depression and shit got whole chunks of their life missing.
But whatever’s got you locked in this room has you seeing it all. ”
He presses play right as I’m leaving the hair shop. I just got a layered black unit installed, and I was feeling myself.
As the rest of the day plays on the screen, my smile disappears little by little. Fredo scoots closer, throwing an arm around my shoulder as tears fill my lids.
Niggas I don’t even know… doing depraved shit to me like I was less than nothing.
“Well, I guess that’s what happened to my hair,” I whisper, as Fredo tightens his hold on me.
Before that fat fuck could take something that wasn’t his, Shad saves me. And then I’m back in Rico’s arms.
I blink through him and Auty debating on what to do with me. Tears roll down my cheeks before I finally can’t take anymore, and thrust my face into Fredo’s chest.
“Why me?” I sob.
I’ve been asking that for almost thirty years.
“You know better than most that Rico shows what he wants you to see. He’s had you thinking he hates you for years, but you know, deep, deep down, how thin that line between love and hate is with him.
But even if that nigga did hate you, you still deserve to get your issues off.
I’m not here, but he is, and he’ll give you the reaction you want. ”
I shake my head on his t-shirt. “No he won’t.”
“Wyn, you the only person not his blood that can get him out of body. You been doing it for twenty years. Trust me.”
The projector finally ends, right after Rico sticks me with a syringe.
The projector and screen fall away, but Fredo is still holding me. It’s been so long since he’s hugged me. He always had the best hugs.
“Did you hate me too?” I push out. Leaning away, I look into his eyes. I don’t know what the answer will be. This isn’t even him, but even I don’t really know if he did or not. Fredo was always too nice to know how he really felt about anything or anyone.
He smiles at me and rubs my back. “Never. You’ve always been my sis. And I’m sorry for the times I showed you differently.”
He stands, and then holds out his hand to help me to my feet.
“Make him feel that shit in his chest the only way you can, Wyn.” He winks at me, then gestures for a door.
I lick my lips and nod, before padding over to the door. It opens just as I reach for the knob, and blinding light has my hands shooting up to cover my face.
My lips are freezing.
When I can finally unglue my lids, I see why.
Nan, I’m assuming, is holding ice chips to my lips. The room is dim, but her face takes up my whole vision.
“Shh, don’t try to speak. Just take this.” Her English is broken, but I’m glad I can understand her this time.
She puts the cup in her hand away and grabs another with a straw. Holding the straw to my mouth, I take sips of the most refreshing water I’ve ever tasted.
My throat is soothed immediately, and I end up drinking until the cup is empty.
“Try to sit up.”
My arms are still in padded cuffs, but I’m able to pull myself into a sitting position in the bed. I’m in new clothes, a cream satin pajama set that feels cool on my skin.
“Nan, right?”
She nods once, busying herself with a tray of fruit, water, ice, and cups.
“How… how long was I out?”
She grabs the bowl and fruit and sits down before holding a strawberry to my mouth. “A week.”
“A week?!” I shriek around the bite of strawberry.
Her eyes dance with amusement as she gestures for me to grab the bowl. She unhooks one of my arms, since she’s deemed me docile, and I begin to feed myself.
When we meet each other’s gazes, I see how much her son and grandsons favor her. It makes me wonder about Pooh’s father, and Rico and Fredo’s mother.
“So does everyone in your family just have honey brown eyes?” I blurt. I could have sworn shit like that is recessive.
Nan’s lips spread into a bright smile, as her gaze turns sharp.
“So,” she begins, her English getting better by the second. “You’ve met Pooh Bear, then?”
I stick an entire strawberry into my mouth to avoid answering, but judging by her raucous laugh, that’s answer enough.