12. Wyn #2
It’s wild. Once upon a time, I would give anything to not remember shit, and now I have no control over it.
If it’s not lyrics, chances are whatever I said or was said to me never even saved up top.
Sometimes random tidbits will pop back up from triggers.
Or after a while, if I search hard enough, I’ll remember.
But I’ve gotten so good at coasting through, it’s not even something I think about anymore.
Definitely stopped following up with my doctors.
No one’s noticed yet. No one but this man in front of me.
And that makes me wanna do better. To try and retain whatever it is he’s dancing around.
“The sunset is going to distract me. Can we go below deck or whatever?”
Rico stands with the grace of a gazelle. I mutter under my breath as I crawl behind him until we get to the stairs, and he helps me inside.
The living area is nice and plush, and we make ourselves comfortable on opposite couches.
He grabs two waters from the cooler on the counter next to him, and hands me one.
“Okay,” I say after downing half of it. “I’m listening.”
He kills his own water, crushing it with both hands before leveling me with his intense gaze.
“Before I tell you why I fucked Tiny, I want you to know that it’s no excuse. Well, for one, the bitch was grown, so she really, a, uh, predator anyway. All them hoes are.”
I lift my head so fast I get a crick in my head as my eyes bug out at Rico.
“Say what?”
“I mean, them hoes shouldn’t have been fucking with me, like I shouldn’t have been fucking with them. I’d kill any bitch who stepped to Mars like that. But I, uh, fucked Tiny on my own. I don’t wanna say I had to fuck her, but the way it was set up… my back was kind of against the wall.”
“The first time I fucked–”
“Well, damn,” I blurt. He makes a face that I mock, but I gesture for him to keep going, listening intently.
“The first time I fucked her,” he repeats, “was after Nut came back to the Birch. Fredo never wanted to really move weight, but whatever I did, he did. We had a conversation… about going away to the Marines. And I needed to make sure we could. I thought she’d make me buy us out, but I should have…
known better. When she said she’d let us go if I fucked, I made sure Ty-Ty got the same deal, too. ”
I blinked, repeating everything he said inside of my head. But two and two weren’t equalling four.
“Peanut came back to the Birch before you guys shot up that party. I know I didn’t have the clap for over a year. How many times–”
“Twice. Only twice.”
“Was the first time after we started dating?”
He nods, pulling on the strap of his eye patch.
My mouth goes dry. How I’m still hurt by this, who knows.
“And the second time?” I ask.
“Reem had got put on. I needed to make sure that he would be able to leave too, when the time came, so I did what I needed to do.”
“And when was that?”
He bites the corner of his lip, before sighing. “That night… we all stayed at your house. That time before Labor Day Weekend.”
It takes a second, but that night comes to my mind’s eye. I scratch the top of my head as I regard him. “You came to my house… with your friends… after fucking that lady?”
The pink of his tongue peeks out before he nods.
And I’m up.
But I guess I’m done getting the one up on Rico, because he’s up, too, grabbing my flying fists, and twisting us around until he’s bear hugging me from behind.
His bare chest is heated on my back, but it’s no time to even lose myself in the feel of him. How long has it even been since he’s been this close?
Well, if we’re counting when he was trying to kill me, only a couple days.
“I fuckin’ hate you!” I shriek, trying with all my might to get out of his hold.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
His apology feels like a kick to the gut.
He takes advantage of my momentary lapse by caging my arms to my chest with his arms. His big, stupid chin clamps down on my shoulder, and he moves with me when I try to headbutt him.
“You gotta calm down so you can listen.”
He squeezes me tighter, lowering us onto the floor, leaning onto the bottom storage of where he was sitting before.
I’m in his lap, my head resting in the column of his throat as my breath slows with each exhale. My eyes flutter closed, and after a moment, we breathe in sync.
The sunset casts purples and oranges into the boat. I turn my head so it’s not in my eyes, and melt into his embrace.
He keeps his iron grip on me, even though I have no more energy to hurt him physically.
Not anymore.
“Are you listening?” he murmurs, his lips close to my ear.
I nod once, as tears gather in my eyes.
“Snow, I’ve never been a nigga to apologize.
But I am sorry. I’m sorry for lying, for cheating, and burning you.
I’m sorry for shooting at you. I’m sorry for everything, man.
All the shit you’ve done… started with me.
I know I said we started over, but we couldn’t do that until I apologized. I shouldn’t have ever even got at you.”
A wail lodges in my throat. Where would I be if Richard Alvarez never asked to pull up on me almost twenty years ago? What type of fucked up alternate universe is that?
I can never bring myself to regret him. Even if that meant I’d never get this anticlimactic apology. He absolutely should have still barged into my life. No matter what came of it.
I move my hands until they’re cupping both of his arms, anchoring myself to him.
“I knew then the way I was moving, I had no room for you in my life. But I’m such a selfish muthafucka, and then you validated it, telling me you didn’t care.
You made me think I could have it all, and for a little while, I did.
We’ve done so much shit to each other, even now.
But I need you to know that, even if you don’t accept it, I am sorry, and I do regret it.
“I, uh, regret a lot. How I… used sex, even as a kid… all these years, Nut been preaching about how wrong it is, and it took me watching Mars grow up to see.”
My eyebrows kiss, but I stay silent. Is he even still talking to me?
“You probably won’t believe me… but I, uh, I guess it’s abstinent, not celibate. But I ain’t had no type of sex since I turned thirty last year. At first I wanted to see if I could. Now, I just haven’t had the urge anymore. Haven’t… had the urge to do a lot of shit, I guess.”
His grip turns slack, and I break away from him, scrambling onto my feet.
Rico does the same, and for a moment, we both just peer at each other.
He looks almost embarrassed. Biting the corner of his mouth again, he shrugs.
“I’on know why I just told you that. I guess I just want you to see how serious I am.
Serious about starting over. Not just with you.
With my whole life. I’m not… I don’t want Mars to deal with the shit we dealt with.
But that means doing shit differently, too. ”
I narrow my eyes like that will help me focus on how to feel. The last month blurs around me, all the different times we’ve yelled, screamed, and hurt each other. The words are slurred as they repeat, and I can only make out the different emotions; rage, hurt–so much hurt, resentment.
My palm begins to itch where I cut myself, so I scratch it with my fingernail.
I really don’t think he’ll kill me. Actually… I know he won’t.
That realization has my chest deflating.
“You’re serious.” It’s more of a statement than a question, but he still answers me with a nod.
“Well, okay. I’ll accept your apology.”
Rico cracks his knuckles. “Do you have anything you wanna–”
“Nope. I don’t regret shit, Patches.” I grin, showing all of my teeth.
He chuckles once, before ambling over to the door. “Whatever, man. I’ma take us back to shore.”
Rolling my eyes, I get comfortable again on my couch. “Yeah, whatever.”
Abstinent at thirty. Hoes always wanna turn abstinent after getting ran through. Should have been abstinent while we were dating!
“Dick prolly fell off… prolly not even abstinent by choice,” I mumble, laying onto my side.
But shit, I got my apology, and a nice bikini tan. And even though I had a weak moment in those big arms of his, I still came out on top. I guess today isn’t so bad.
Still doesn’t beat Pandora’s yacht party, but it’s a close second.