15. Wyn
Wyn
I back into the darkness of the hall right before Ju storms out of Rico’s room.
Rico, boy. He sure knows how to cut a bitch low.
I almost feel bad for her. I would, if she wasn’t basically pressing him about me. But that confirms that she really doesn’t know him for real.
Rico is like a viper. Backing him into a corner is the quickest way for him to strike.
And strike he did. That poor girl is probably finna walk into the ocean with rocks into her coat.
Seconds later, Rico strolls out of his room, too. His nose is so deep in his phone, he doesn’t notice me nor stop. But still, I only breathe when I distantly hear the front door open and close.
Then I amble toward where Ju went.
Another con to being of sound-ish and clear mind, is caring too much.
But the more I tell myself I should just go to my room, the more my feet move me toward the back deck.
One of the doors is open, the linen curtains blowing in the breeze.
When I get to it, I see Ju sitting on the top steps, holding her long ponytail as she looks out at the beach.
Taking a deep breath, I exhale as I walk up and take a seat next to her.
She tries to scoff, but it just sounds wet before she tries to wipe her nose with her hand. “Here to bury the knife deeper?”
“What’s your issue with me? We were cool enough the last time we were around each other.” I turn to rest my back on the railing of the deck and take her in.
She’s twenty-three now, but still looks every bit of the eighteen she was when she was trying to keep up with Fredo and Slime. Still has that long permed hair and high cheekbones. Filled out some, in her hips and ass, but still short as fuck.
But then she turns to me, and I see the grief and tiredness in her bloodshot eyes.
“I reached out to you. I reached out to everyone when Fredo… I was pregnant and alone, and no one answered.” She scoffs again and turns back toward the ocean. “No one but fucking Nan.”
“Honestly… I was coked out until like four months ago, not counting a brief stint in rehab. Not an excuse, but it’s true.” I shrug, and match her small smile when she rolls her eyes.
“Yeah, I heard… I’m, uh, I’m glad you’re okay now.”
“And here I thought you still think I’m a hot ass mess.”
Ju at least looks embarrassed as she mashes her lips. “I’m sorry you heard that… but you’ve been here long enough to know how annoying Rico and Nan are, if you’ve been here as long as the blogs have been reporting you missing.”
I sit up immediately. “What else are they saying?” This is why I’m glad Ju is young. She’s into that shit enough to report back.
I’ve talked to Auty a couple times, but she refuses to indulge. When I ask, she just hands the phone to Deuce or hangs up entirely.
Ju’s eyebrows kiss. “You don’t know? Your parents put out a whole missing person’s report.
Grimey put out a whole statement saying you’re not missing, and everyone’s been wondering which rehab you’re in.
It had died down until Cochise was in the blogs and then people started asking where you were again. ”
Cochise.
How fucked up is it that I haven’t thought about him once? He deserves better.
“Mars loves you,” Ju mumbles, but I hear it, and a smile breaks my face in half.
“I love him, too,” I reply honestly. “He’s a great kid.”
“He is.” Ju sighs, resting her head on her arms.
“Can I ask–”
“Why he’s here and I’m not? Why does everyone assume children are better off with their mothers?
” Tears gather in Ju’s lids, spilling over sideways as she meets my gaze.
“Mars is loved here. He doesn’t want for anything.
Even if I’m not welcome here, he is, and he deserves to be surrounded by family that will raise him right, while I’m in school. ”
“I’m not gonna pretend to know your story, but I know Bleach–”
“Blanche–”
“And she wouldn’t leave you nor him hanging. Yeah, Nan and Rico and Miele and even I’m great, but we’re not his mom. Mars wants to be with his mom. I’m sure he’d trade all the toys and the beach to be in some cramped apartment with you. You don’t miss him when you’re gone?”
“I miss him… I miss him so much.”
She turns her head, her shoulders shaking like her voice.
I don’t think she’s talking about just Mars.
“I’m… not strong enough for this, Wynter. It wasn’t supposed to be like this… it was supposed to be all of us, and now it’s nothing.”
“Have you… do you still talk to Slime?” I highly doubt it, but I still ask.
She shakes her head, wiping her face. “He hates me, sent me this long crazy message on a fake number before I changed mine. Everything’s just so fucked up… if I’d known all this would happen, I would have never went to that first party. I would have never–”
“Hey, hey.” I scoot over, and wrap my arm around her. She leans into me and begins to softly cry. “You can’t think like that. The past is irrelevant, Ju. Fredo’s gone. You’re not. And your kid is sleep in the house. You gotta get your shit together, girl. You owe it to Mars.”
She sniffles, but she nods on my shoulder. We spend some time like that, listening to the waves, until the motion lights turn off. Then we both get up and walk to our respective rooms.
We don’t tell each other goodnight, but the air isn’t all weird like it’s been all day. I think we both got some understanding on the deck. I want to ask her about why she and Nan have beef, but it’s not hard to fill in the blanks, especially after eavesdropping on Ju and Rico’s argument.
But I don’t think they fucked. I don’t even think Ju likes him.
I think she just misses Fredo.
How hard it is to mourn the life you thought you’d be living right now. The father of her child is gone, while his carbon copy is walking around, raising her kid like his own. What a life to live before your frontal lobe is even developed fully.
I’m still surprised when I wake up the next day, and she’s gone.
Mars clings to me the entire day, crying on and off. I try my best to cheer him up, playing whatever games, watching whatever shows, drying his tears.
He falls into a fitful sleep that night in my bed, his little hand around my wrist like he can’t lose me either.
I spend hours staring at the wall, one hand fiddling with his braids, trying to piece together what exactly I said last night. Was something I said the reason she left? Was I too hard on her? I don’t think I was judgy… I genuinely just wanted to know.
How can anyone leave their kid behind?
My eyes dart to the door as it opens, and Rico comes in. He closes the door behind him, and pulls the chair next to the bed closer to take a seat.
“How is he?” he asks, dead eyes shifting between me and Mars.
“He’s what you’d expect.”
Rico sighs and leans his elbows on his knees, resting his head on his fists. His jaw keeps clenching; I’m surprised he still has molars.
“I wanna kill her Snow.”
“Rico–”
“She’s not a mother,” he hisses, cutting me off. “She never has been. Weak ass bitch; can’t believe Fredo nutted in her.”
“Rico. She was eighteen and pregnant when Fredo got killed. Five years isn’t that much time–”
“You defending that shit?” He balls up his face. “The bitch is weak, Snow. Pressing me over Mars fucking witchu but look where she at? Nowhere to be found. Look where you at? Doing her job.”
I scoot up just a little and glare at this idiot.
“I know you’re Luney from the Birch, so you don’t comprehend human feelings, so let me break it down for you.
I was sixteen when I got pregnant. Right after you and the guys hid at my house Labor Day Weekend after terrorizing the city with your stupid Tryouts.
What if something happened to you? What if you never made it back to me?
And all I had… was a piece of you growing inside of me, that you’d never meet? ”
My voice cracks as intrusive thoughts play out what I’ve just said. A pregnant teen, her sweetheart slain to gang violence.
I don’t think I’d ever have recovered from that. I’d follow him wherever he was going, or wish I could every day for the rest of my life.
When I blink away my tears and meet his gaze again, his face has softened considerably.
“Five years wouldn’t be enough time for me to get over it,” I whisper.
He averts his eyes in lieu of a reply, but I continue.
“You have to forgive people for being people, Rico. Ju isn’t a bad person, even if she’s making bad decisions. She lost someone she loved, same as you. You can’t fault her–”
“As long as she’s hurting him, I’ll have a problem with her.” He stands, his glare turning intense.
“And that little scenario you came up with doesn’t make sense, Snow. You killed our baby, remember? I’m sure you’d have done the same thing if I got caught lacking.”
My heart shreds as he walks toward the door.
“Don’t ever in your life bring our baby up again.”
It’s low, but I hear it. And I let the tears fall as he closes the door behind himself.