38. Wyn #2
I reach out, grabbing their hands again.
“I feel like I’m just now living. It’s not a perfect life.
It’s fragile, and shaky, and brand new, but it’s a life and it’s mine and now it could be taken away.
Whether it’s through death, or… waking up and not having any memory, any way to effectively communicate.
It’s too much. It’s not fair. And I feel like I can’t break down because Auty is barely holding on and Rico is…
I think he’s just as lost as I am. It’s just not fair. ”
“You can break down, Wyn. You can do it right now.”
“Yeah. That’s why we’re in my Safe Place. Reemie will keep Autumn and Rico busy, if everyone hasn’t torn up my dining room yet. You can break down, and we got you. We’ll put you back together.”
My fingers band around theirs as more tears fall. The tension in my belly moves to my shoulders, and at the first earth-shattering sob, I let go.
“This room is soundproof,” YT whispers, and just like that, my mouth opens, and I truly, finally, unleash it all.
It feels like years of unfairness threaten to wash us away. I fall over into Brina’s lap as my body shakes over and over again, as fat tears roll sideways off my face, saturating her pants.
YT’s awkward pats on my arms and legs don’t stop as I let out all the anguish and rage and fear in liquid form. I cry out for myself for once, broken memories playing out in my mind’s eye until it finally goes blank and I’m just… here. Brina and YT’s touches grounding me into the present.
I don’t feel better. But I don’t feel so overwhelmed.
I don’t know how much time has passed when I finally sit up. YT has tissues waiting for me. It was no use bothering with makeup, or even a hairstyle, since I’ll be bald and with a new scar in less than seven days.
“Only you and Baby Girl know about my Safe Place. I told Reemie that you both can come here any time you need to. Girls like us need a safe place to be scared.”
“Girls like us?”
“Well, yeah,” YT shrugs. “Girls that never got a choice. We all were put into these boxes way before we had a chance to even figure out, well, even how to walk. Be strong. Be tough. Never show fear. Take care of everyone, hold onto them, even when they don’t hold onto you.
You have the whole weight of your family, your lineage, the world on your shoulders, and expected to stand ten toes all the time.
It’s isolating, whether you’re alone like you and Baby Girl, or the only girl, like me.
Because regardless, you still wake up, and there’s so many layers you've put on, you don’t even remember who you are beyond what people tell you.
“And Baby Girl and me, we may not have coped the same as you, but you’re still one of us.”
“We can take turns,” Brina adds, rubbing her thumb on the back of my hand. “Or we can all be scared together. Just be three scared bitches in the closet.”
We all snort embarrassingly, before letting laughter bubble out more.
After all, it’s our Safe Place. We could be whatever we wanted in here, whether it’s three nerds who snort when they laugh…
Or three scared bitches in the closet.
“So, this is what it feels like to have real girl friends,” I say, wiping my face once more.
“I like the term sister, but since yours and mine are insanely territorial, I’ll just agree with you.” Brina winks at me, then gestures to YT, who has smoke coming out of her ears.
“My Safe Place is about to become real unsafe, Baby Girl. I’m going to go survey the damage.”
“We’ll be right behind you!” Brina laughs. YT closes us back in the closet, and Brina locks it behind her.
“You feel better?”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
“Don’t sweat it,” Brina cheeses, wiping her own face with a tissue.
“And don’t internalize anything Rico and Casey are doing, I mean it Wyn.
Like you said before, it’s not about you.
Casey’s upset because you’ve both hurt his feelings, and you’re both causing him to think about his own morals and beliefs.
And Rico is using old feelings to justify why he hasn’t just apologized for lying.
Peanut already has a plan in place to nip all this shit in the bud.
You just need to be relaxed and have good energy for this surgery, mama. ”
“Mama? You sound like him now.”
Brina rolls her eyes and takes out her phone.
“Reem’s not the only one talking his girl’s ear off.
If this plan Peanut has doesn’t work, I’m leaving this nigga.
Cody will not grow up not knowing how to apologize and get over shit.
I told Casey that I understood where you were coming from and this nigga had a Powerpoint on why that’s wrong. ”
“Do you, though?”
“Yes, Wyn. I told you. I wouldn’t have said shit, either. All of this is only relevant because you guys are back together. If you hadn’t rekindled anything, there wouldn't be any reason to bring up old shit.”
“We are not back together,” I state firmly, though I still look around the closet in case he can hear me.
“Yeah,” Brina cackles, unlocking the door for us. “And I got a beach house in Montana to sell you.”
Many times I’ve sat in this high chair to do my hair. A few of those times I even shaved my head, to get the lace just right.
This feels different.
Especially with Rico standing behind me, meeting my stare in my bathroom mirror.
I’m officially fasting. My surgery is in two days, and I’m due at the hospital tonight to check in. Patience being my sister-in-law got me the best surgeon, the best room, and probably the best prognosis.
My heart doesn’t believe me.
“You’re not allowed to leave this world without me, Snow. So if you go, I go.”
“That is not helping.”
This nigga just shrugs. “I’m just telling you what it is.
Your surgeon told me after I threatened his entire bloodline that the chances of any adverse complications are low, so really, it’s up to you and your spirit.
I can’t give you a reason to live. But I can tell you that you’ll be my reason to die. ”
“Oh, no threatening my family?” I let the sarcastic drip as I reach over and grab the clippers off the charger.
He blinks, like he hadn’t thought of it before. “Hm. Clippers.”
I hand them to him, and settle back into the chair.
Before Rico came into the bathroom, I’d already washed, blow dried, and cut my hair as short as I could. There’s little clumps of red hair all over the bathroom floor. Brina said I only had to shave the incision site, but I would rather do the whole thing. I wear wigs anyway, so why not?
Sheisty already cleared my schedule for the rest of the year.
We have more than enough songs to pick some for a full album, but I know I’ll be back in the studio as soon as I can.
As soon as this tyrant lets me. But right now, everyone seems to be united against me.
Red snitched and told me that Rico has been in communication with Sheisty and PC.
I can’t even finagle some shit. They are firmly uniformed on the same side.
The buzz of the clippers pull me out of my head, and my hands grip the arms of the chair as Rico begins to gently shave my head.
Yeah, this is way different than any other time. Usually, I’m excited for my how bomb my wig is going to be. Now, I’m blinking back tears.
When you’re about to have brain surgery, I guess the tears don’t stop.
He makes quick work of my head. In twenty minutes, I’m skee bald.
“You have a cute head, Snow.” His lips are warm and soft on my skin.
I want to thank him, or even say something even funnier. He cut his hair in solidarity, though he laughed when I asked if he would go bald. No, just a buzz. He sets the clippers down and starts mixing the shaving cream.
“I look just like Summer,” I blurt, before more tears come.
He freezes, then sets the container of shaving cream down.
“Shave my eyebrows and I really am her clone.” My finger traces my lips, then the bridge of my nose.
Even as tears follow the marks made from those before, my vision is clear.
Clearer than it’s ever been. “This is why I covered every mirror in Belize, until my hair began to grow. No hair? I’m her twin, instantly. I am her.”
“I really never stood a chance,” I sob, my face crumbling in the mirror.
Strong hands wipe my tears before tilting my head up until Rico is all I see.
“You mean it?” I ask. My hands grip his forearms. “If I go, you’ll go?”
“Of course.”
I close my eyes, letting those two words settle around us. What an absurd thing to ask, but I do it anyway. And I believe him when he says he’ll oblige me.
“You’re not Summer. You’re Wynter. The Ice Princess. My Snow.”
I open my eyes and find his hooded gaze immediately.
“You can look like her, but you’re you. And if it’s your time, it’s your time. You. Wynter. But if it’s not your time, and I really don’t think it is, then you need to live for you, Snow. Not me, not Haze, not Summer, and fasho not yo parents. You and you only. Promise me… use your words.”
“I-I promise,” I stammer, since my noncommittal nod wasn’t enough. Rico comes closer, and I rest my head on his stomach as he holds me to him.
“This shit gon’ be a blip on our radar, bae. I really don’t think I’ma have to kill yo surgeon before slitting my wrists. That lil’ nigga who in love witchu posted a snippet of y’all song together and I really feel like God would keep you around if only to get that nigga his first top ten hit.”
“Something is wrong with you,” I breathe. His hand curls around the back of my neck, and he pulls me back to kiss my forehead again.