Chapter 52
Chapter Fifty-Two
I skipped dinner.
Mom and Dad were inside, alright with having a quiet meal without me. Morgan was, of course, out with friends as today was her birthday as well. I sat on a white porch swing, swinging back and forth under the glow of nearby streetlights.
Today was a bad day.
Sitting out on the front porch, I wished that Monday would come sooner.
I could tell Dr. Eloise about these past couple of days—Rashad at the club, my father just a couple hours earlier.
It was hard to not feel like I must’ve done something terrible to have earned the position I found myself in as of late.
Being alone is a sad feeling.
Even worse, being alone when you’re surrounded by others—that was the type of thing to truly break a person down.
It used to be that I would have days like this, and immediately call my friend Lux.
These days, I no longer felt as comfortable opening up to her.
She barely noticed the changes in my willingness to be open with her, but I certainly did.
I was far more reserved with her than I’d previously been.
When I was in the hospital last year, Lux took it upon herself to speak to the press about my relationship with Kain, painting him as some sort of predator.
I understood why she would do such a thing; she was only trying to look out for me and make sure the people who had harmed me were punished.
However, the interviews Lux gave painted me as some na?ve child.
To hear the way she spoke about me to the media, it became clear that she saw me as some fickle-minded girl who fell prey to the treacherous ways of the malicious Kain Montgomery.
I didn’t know she felt that way about me.
Maybe I was asking for a lot, but I would’ve thought it reasonable to expect my friends to not have such a low opinion of my judgement.
Lux had called me stupid for trusting Kain many times, but it wasn’t until I woke up last year and saw the interviews that she’d given, that I realized she meant it wholeheartedly.
My best friend thought I was stupid for falling for Kain Montgomery.
It wasn’t an unforgivable thought for her to have had.
Hell, I felt stupid for falling for Kain Montgomery.
I still felt stupid for the small parts of me that refused to let him go even now.
It’s just that… if the roles had been reversed, I would not have gotten on a public platform and reinforced some idea that Lux was dumb and childish—even if I did feel that way.
I wouldn’t have added to the public humiliation ritual the media was so hellbent on putting me through.
Lux meant well, so of course I didn’t hate her for the part she’d played in the media circus, but the damage was done.
I didn’t trust her like I used to.
So I sat alone, swinging back and forth in the dimming twilight of the early evening, staring outward unto the purpling Miami sky.
Inside the house behind me, my parents were likely finishing up dinner.
I think some part of them were relieved that I didn’t want to eat with them.
Whenever I had dinner with my parents, and Morgan was not around, dinner droned on painfully slow.
It was always awkward. My parents didn’t know how to interact with me anymore.
The quiet and empty street touching the frontside of my home was soothing.
I had privacy. Here, I could wipe away at my tears, away from the prying eyes of my household, but get the much needed space to breathe that my bedroom couldn’t provide.
Plus, the Christmas lights that twinkled outside gave me a comforting brush of nostalgia.
I’d always loved Christmas. It reminded me of a simpler time.
Sometimes I thought about dropping out of my classes, getting a part-time job somewhere, and trying to start over on my own.
These thoughts usually got loudest on my worst days.
When things would get especially bad, I would delve into an exceedingly avoided habit, and think about Kain.
Logic would remind me that he never loved me, but that didn’t stop me from craving the security of his arms when my emotions got to be this bad.
When I was sad last summer, Kain used to have this way of wrapping his arms around my shoulders from behind, holding my back to his chest while the tip of his chin rested on the back of my head. ‘Just breathe, baby,’ he used to whisper into my hair. ‘I’ve got you.’
I hated myself for missing it all so much—the security of his embrace, the fresh scent of his skin, the way I could feel the sound waves of his voice vibrate along my back when he spoke.
I missed the little things, too, like the way he said my name, like even just the word was worthy of being treated with care.
Even though it was all fake, I missed it.
I sniffled once, hearing the sound of footsteps cutting into the silence around me.
I turned my head, half expecting one of my parents to be walking up from behind, but they were nowhere to be seen.
Whipping my head around, I searched for the source of the sound.
When my eyes landed on the athletic figure standing at the end of my parents’ driveway, I stopped breathing.
This isn’t happening.
He stood there, comfortably standing still when we locked eyes under the dim light of the setting sky.
In his hands, he held a medium-sized bag, the kind of bag that usually held gifts.
I wondered if he got me something for my birthday, only to shake away the thought because even if he did, I didn’t want it.
“Hey.”
It was a single word, uttered out of the mouth of a man I’d been thinking about only seconds before. Less than a minute ago, I swore that I longed for this man. And now that he was here, standing at the end of my driveway as if I’d magically manifested him myself, I panicked.
I whipped my head back, checking to see if the curtains of my house’s front window moved. Did my parents hear his voice? He had to go. Less than two hours ago, my father had ripped into me for believing I was still associated with this man. He could not be here right now.
I jumped out of my seat, my hands coming out in front of me to usher him away from the front of my house.
When my hands collided with his chest, rough in the way I pushed him away from the windows of my home, I did my best to ignore the jolt I felt in my stomach over the way his body felt firm under my fingers.
I wasn’t strong enough to get him to budge, so when he did create the necessary distance from my parents’ house, it was because he took the steps back on his own.
“You can’t be here!” I whispered, looking over my shoulder at my house warily. We were far enough away that I didn’t need to speak so quietly, but anxiety was what made me speak in the urgent, hushed tones.
Kain didn’t say anything at first, his expression neutral as his eyes seemed to explore everything about me in that minute-long silence.
I swallowed hard, feeling goosebumps rise along the backs of my arms from the way his golden brown eyes shined bright and warm under the glow of a streetlight above.
“I was dropping something off,” he replied simply, indicating it hadn’t been his intention to run into me. I didn’t like the way the realization made my insides twist with disappointment. He extended the bag in his hands my way. “Here.”
I took a step back, offering up a refusal. “I don’t want it.”
“But it’s yours,” he informed, pushing it into my hands, sending an unexpected shiver down my back the second his fingers brushed against mine.
I snatched my hand back, behaving as if his touch burned my skin.
In that moment, however, I could’ve sworn it did.
“It’s the stuff you left at Seven last night. ”
Oh.
When my fingers closed around the bag’s handle, Kain’s right side cheek raised in a faint half smile.
Something in my chest fluttered. I wondered if he could tell, because even after the bag was in my hands, he didn’t turn and walk away.
For a moment, he merely stood there, eyes on me in a way that should’ve made me feel self-conscious.
But these eyes were so familiar. Way too familiar to ever feel uncomfortable about them being on me.
It was like the longer he stared, the further the fact that he’d betrayed me moved to the far corners of my mind.
I was operating on a very here-and-now train of thought, not thinking about the past, not thinking about the future. I was here. And the moment was now.
So I didn’t move either.
Did he feel the magnetic field in the foot-long space between us? Or was I imagining that?
“Have you been crying?” he asked quietly, finally ending the long silence we fell into.
And then I remembered the moments leading up to now. My father yelling at me in his office. Crying alone on the front porch. Did I even remember to wipe my face?
The space between Kain’s eyebrows dipped, my only sign that he didn’t like what he was seeing. In my peripheral vision, I saw the beginning of what looked like him raising his hand to touch me. He caught himself, though, ending the slow rise.
Kain made stopping himself look almost… painful.
“Why are you still here?” I whispered.
“Why are you?” he countered plainly, as if the five hundred and six days between us had passed like seconds.
Kain, as always, was comfortable. Much more comfortable than I could ever hope to be given the history we had.
He breathed with an unbothered ease as I forced myself to breathe through my nose, almost too conscious of the way my chest rose and fell rapidly while I stood before him.
Did he notice how hard I was breathing? He spoke again, drawing me out of the semi-trance I floated in when he said, “Walk with me.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you.”
“Then we can stay here.”