CHAPTER TWELVE COMING CLEAN
CHAPTER
TWELVE
Coming Clean
‘They’re blackballing you,’ Uncle Drew said, when he read it. ‘You won’t get another mortgage.’
That was fine by Benny. He’d just built thirty houses and didn’t reckon he’d need another one any time soon. Besides, he wasn’t staying. President Truman and his Executive Order 9981 had just solved Benny’s problem, but he needed to do one thing before he left.
Benny stepped up to Gloria’s door, feeling even more nervous than he had the first time he’d rung this bell. He didn’t circle the block, though, trying to talk himself out of it. He knew he had to do this. He pushed the button.
A few seconds later Mrs Meyers opened the door. Instead of the bright smile she usually gave Benny she flashed a surprised frown. She crossed her arms over her stomach.
‘Well, this is certainly unexpected. And probably not a good idea.’
‘Hi, Mrs Meyers. I’m sorry to stop by unannounced, but I need to speak with Gloria.’
‘Gloria who you said you didn’t want to see any more? That Gloria?’
He deserved that. ‘I was … There were circumstances.’
‘Yes, your mother, your bills, we know, but that doesn’t give you the right to hurt her the way you did.’
‘I know and I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing.’
‘Ed said you sold your house. It must be pretty bad.’
He needed to come clean to Gloria, not her mother. ‘Is Gloria at home? I’d really like to talk to her.’
‘Stay here. I’ll see if she wants to speak to you.’
She left him on the front stoop for fifteen minutes. He didn’t know if Mrs Meyers was convincing her to see him or trying to get her not to, or maybe Gloria was just letting him stew.
She came out flushed and stiff, but she still took his breath away. ‘Hey, G.’
‘I’m not sure you get to call me that.’
‘Right.’ He looked at the ground between them. ‘I guess I deserve that.’ He wiped his palms on his trousers. ‘So, umm, would you like to take a walk with me?’
‘Why can’t you just say what you came to say right here?’
‘Please, G. I mean Gloria. I’d like to explain. I don’t know if that will make it better or worse, but I’d like you to know.’
She looked back at the house, and he worried she’d tell him no, but she called over her shoulder that they were going on a walk.
‘Are you sure?’ her mother called back.
‘I won’t go far.’
She stepped outside and marched down the steps ahead of him. ‘Well, come on, get walking so you can tell me what you came to say.’
Now that it was time to say it, he didn’t know how to start.
‘I’m …’ He looked at the sky and dug his hands inside his pockets.
‘I’m going away. I wanted to see you before I go.
I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry I broke it off with you the way I did.
I’m sorry I hurt you. I still care about you, and I miss you every single day. ’
She stopped walking and turned to him. ‘That’s … You hurt me a lot.’
‘I was afraid to tell you the truth. I thought that, if you knew, you wouldn’t see me the same way.’
‘Is someone after you, Benny? Is that why you’re going away? Ed said you might be in trouble with a loan shark. Is that true?’
He ran a hand through his close-cropped hair.
‘Before I tell you, I want you to know that you’re the most amazing girl I’ve ever met.
And I love that you’re outspoken. I love that you say what you feel.
I love that you want to work at your dad’s company because you know you’re a great accountant.
I love that you get mad when you see people being mistreated, and that you speak up about it even if people might not like what you say.
I love that you came up with at least a dozen ways to help me, even though –’ he stopped, swallowed, plowed on ‘– you were fixing a problem that didn’t exist. That’s why I couldn’t use your help. I lied to you.’
They walked two, five, ten steps without her responding. ‘Gloria?’
‘Hang on. I need a minute to get my head around that.’ When she got to the end of the road, she said, ‘I think I’m going to have to sit down. You should have warned me I’d need to sit.’
The bay was only a few streets away and they headed in that direction as if by silent agreement. The slap of the waves grew louder as they walked, inviting them closer, filling the silence. When they’d found a bench by the water and Gloria had settled on it, she nodded at Benny to continue.
‘I regretted ending it with you the minute I did it,’ he said. ‘The second I did it.’
‘No, Benny. Get to the lying part.’
He swallowed hard. ‘Okay.’ He readjusted himself on the bench. ‘So.’ He looked out at the sea, gathering his nerve. ‘I’m not who you think I am.’
She leaned away from him and scrunched her forehead. ‘You’re not Benny North?’
‘Well, no. I am. I’m not as you think I am.’
She shook her head. ‘What are you talking about?’
He turned to face her. ‘When you look at me, what do you see?’
‘Benny.’
‘Yes, but what Benny do you see?’
‘A man. A veteran. A mechanic and auto worker, soon to be engineer. A good driver. A music lover. A sports fan. A guy who takes care of his lawn and doesn’t like shrimp.’
‘That’s all you, see?’
‘No. I see the man who broke my heart.’
He ran his hands along his thighs. ‘I’m so sorry about that, G.’ He took a deep breath. ‘But there’s another part of me you’re not seeing.’ He shook out his fingers, trying to release some tension. His heart seemed to be thumping louder than the waves. ‘I was born at St Benedict’s Negro Hospital.’
‘What? Why?’
‘I lived in New Rosewood.’ He studied her face, gauging her reaction.
‘But that neighborhood’s for …’
‘And I graduated from Booker T. Washington high school.’
‘Oh, my God.’
‘I made up a story about my family so you wouldn’t try to meet them.’
‘They don’t live in Chicago.’
‘No.’ He clasped his hands and dug his thumb into his palm. ‘They lived in New Rosewood until recently. Now they live in Liberty Heights.’
‘That’s the new development for coloreds.’
He nodded. ‘The day you came over and I was on my way to the bank for a loan, I was getting a loan to build Liberty Heights.’
‘You built that?’
‘It was more my sister’s plan than mine, but I got the loan because …’ he shrugged ‘… because of the way I look.’
‘So, you’re building homes for Negros?’
‘That’s not what I’m trying to tell you.’
‘Somebody should have done that years ago. Or just let them buy where they want. Liberty Heights is a good idea.’
‘Gloria.’
‘I don’t really know what to say right now.’ She let out a nervous laugh. ‘I was expecting a big confession, but I wasn’t expecting this.’
He kneaded both palms with his thumbs. Right. Left. ‘I’ve been passing since the war.’
‘I’m just so … surprised.’
‘Gloria, I’m still the same man I was a minute ago.’
‘I know that. It’s just that this is more than I expected. I don’t know how to respond.’
Benny’s heart sank. ‘I see.’ At least now he knew.
‘You and me are illegal,’ she said.
‘I know.’
‘If I’m going to go to jail for a man, I should know I’m doing something illegal.’
He snorted. ‘Gloria, nobody’s going to throw you in jail for being with me. They’d put me under the jail, but they wouldn’t touch you.’
‘I loved you. You let me love you.’
‘And now?’
She looked past him to the beach grass leading to the sandy shore, and down the coast to the mangroves, inching their way into the sea.
‘I’m the same person I was a minute ago too.
I can’t turn my feelings on and off like a light switch, but I’m so mad at you.
’ She flicked her eyes back to him, boring into him full of accusation. ‘You lied to me.’
‘You can’t turn it off? Does that mean you still have feelings for me?’
‘I’m a human being, not a machine. Of course, I still feel … things. But, Benny, you lied to me all this time.’
‘I couldn’t tell the truth. I couldn’t take the chance.’
She stood and walked to the beach, kicking off her shoes when she stepped from grass to sand. Benny pulled off his shoes and socks and left them under the bench.
‘When I met you, I was already passing,’ he said, coming up behind her. ‘Later, I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t see how.’
She picked her way through seaweed washed ashore at the water’s edge.
‘I lied to cover up that I was passing, and then there were just so many lies, I didn’t see a way through for us.’
She stepped into the waves, letting the water wash over her feet.
‘I was a coward. I know that. I had good reason to be afraid of you knowing, but I wish I’d trusted you with it. Because maybe we had a chance after all.’
‘Why are you telling me now?’
He followed her, wading into the water. ‘Because I hope I made a mistake. I hope I was wrong to cut and run.’ He came up beside her. ‘We’re not illegal everywhere, G. The world is changing. We can do this, I know we can, and I want to try, if you do.’
They stood there sinking deeper with every wave. Up to their ankles. Up to their shins.
‘I’m angry, Benny. I’m shocked you’re a Negro, but I’m angry you lied. And I don’t know if I can trust you. Is your mother even sick?’
‘No.’
‘I see. And there’s no hospital debt?’
‘No.’
‘No loan shark?’
‘No.’
She looked at him, tears in her eyes. ‘You lied about everything.’
‘Not everything. Not about my feelings for you.’
‘I got my whole church to pray for your sick mother.’ She gathered her dress, hitched it up above her knees, and wrung out the water from the hem. ‘Maybe at first you had to hide the truth to stay safe, but you knew me, and you chose not to trust me.’
‘If people found out—’
‘I’m not people. I’m me. Gloria. G.’
‘What would you have done if I’d told you? Because I wanted to tell you.’
‘I don’t know. You never gave me the chance to find out. You decided I couldn’t be trusted, and you disappeared.’ She twisted her dress hem tighter, until there were no more droplets, just the moist sound of wet cloth chafing against itself.
‘I was scared. And it was a dangerous risk.’
‘I know that. I’m not a fool. But, Benny, I loved you. I trusted you with my whole self. You owed me honesty.’
‘You’re right. I did. I do. That’s why I’m here now. My feelings for you haven’t changed.’
‘Then why are you leaving?’ Her eyes blazed at him, mad as a hornet, but mad could be good. It meant her feelings ran hot, and strong feelings could be turned from anger to something else.
‘I’m re-enlisting in the army.’
Her brow furrowed in confusion. ‘Why would you do that? The war’s over.’
Pulling his feet free from the sinking sand, he moved to face her.
‘Last month, President Truman desegregated the military. All it took was an executive order. That’s how fast things are changing.
’ The August sun beat down on his shoulders and back as soft waves sighed against the shore.
‘I’ve been a colored man and I’ve been a white man and they’re two different worlds.
There’s a line, and you have to choose which side to stand on, but in a desegregated military, there’s one mess tent, one officers’ club, one barracks, one world with no line.
It means I don’t have to be colored or white. I can just be Benny.’
‘You could be Benny right here,’ she said, in a gruff tone that sounded like frustration elbowing in on her anger, making room for other feelings.
She spun away from him toward the shore, but the sand held fast to her foot and sent her toppling. Benny grabbed her, steadied her, their faces inches apart.
‘Which Benny would I be, G? Levittown Benny or Liberty Heights? My momma’s son or your—’ He bit his lip, stopping himself from saying more.
‘My what?’
His heavy breath paced itself to hers.
‘Everything.’ A coiling want unfurled inside him. ‘I want to be your everything, G.’
She straightened, prising first one leg out of the sucking sand and then the other. Then she put distance between them and stepped out of the water.
Benny’s heart dropped and his chest squeezed. He sloshed back to shore, sticky sand clinging to his feet.
Out in the Gulf, sunshine danced on the gentle ripples while the August heat sent moisture into the humid air, thinning the oxygen, keeping his breath shallow and straining.
‘Thank you for telling me,’ Gloria said. She gathered her shoes to her chest, her dress damp to her thighs, and turned from him, walking barefoot through the grass.
Benny called to her to wait for him. He’d walk her home.
‘I’d like to be alone now,’ she said, shaking her head, but she didn’t go. Just stared and stared from ten feet away, boring holes into him with her eyes.
Was she looking to see what she’d missed? Where the Negro parts of him had been hiding? Or was she seeing the Benny she’d fallen for, despite knowing his secret?
‘You can write to me,’ she said, squeezing her shoes, like she was trying to hold herself together. ‘I don’t know what I think yet, but if you write to me, I promise I’ll answer.’