Chapter Twenty-Nine
Hunter
I spend most of the afternoon and evening thinking about what Isla said.
Did Lucas really have feelings for me before everything changed that night we met up on the roof?
He basically admitted he had when he made that offhand comment about his crush.
That’s a lot to think about, a lot for him to have lived with.
Have I ever inadvertently hurt Lucas? I’m sure I have.
I’m sure Ellis had too, even if unintentionally.
Isla is great. I love watching her and Lucas together.
I’ve never seen him completely let down his walls with anyone the way he does with Isla.
No reservations, no worries about showing all of himself, no keeping emotions locked up.
I didn’t realize it before today, but he does even with me.
He kept how he felt about me a secret, and all I want is to break down every single one of his walls.
I want intimate knowledge of every part of him he’s able to share, want to let him in on every part of me.
The conversation flows well. I feel Isla watching me when Lucas is near—the way I touch him and look at him—probably to make sure I appreciate him, that I’m worthy of him, and I can only hope I pass her test. But the truth is, I can’t help but observe them together too—the affection they show one another, how she runs her fingers through his hair and calls him babe, and the way Lucas soaks it all up.
I know they’ve slept together, and I’m not typically jealous—Ellis and I were not like that, and that was the only relationship I’ve ever been in—but a part of me is jealous of them.
Of the years she’s had with Lucas, despite how long I’ve known him.
That she holds more of his secrets, some of them about me, and that they can love each other and be so close, regardless of their other relationships.
At the same time, I’m glad he has her because I don’t know if Lucas has let himself have anyone.
I’m thankful she’s been there all these years when I haven’t been.
They’re sitting by each other on the couch, telling me a story about Lucas swooping in to save her on a bad date and pretending to be her boyfriend.
We laugh, and they talk over each other, telling each other that’s not how the story went, that the other got the details wrong.
Isla rolls her eyes at him, and Lucas pretends to cover her face with his hand, and I can’t help but laugh.
“Lucky he was there,” I say.
“She’s done the same for me,” Lucas says, then pushes to his feet. “I’ll be right back. The beer is running through me.”
He heads upstairs instead of using the bathroom down here, leaving Isla and me alone. She picks up her wineglass and takes a sip, then sets it on the coffee table again.
“Please don’t hurt him. I know there’s nothing Lucas can’t handle, but I don’t want him to have to.
He’s spent most of his life wanting you, hating himself for wanting you, certain he would never have you.
And he deserves you, even though he doesn’t think he does.
Even though he finds too many ways to hate himself.
He deserves every fucking bit of happiness he can find, and anyone who doesn’t see that, who doesn’t understand that, isn’t worthy of him. ”
Her words hit every note they’re supposed to, but they’re not anything I don’t know or that I don’t agree with.
Lucas is so much more than I ever saw, than I was allowed to see, and I want nothing more than to see it all.
“He deserves everything. I wish it wasn’t all so fucked up.
That the history between us didn’t make everything so complicated. But I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Then don’t.”
“I won’t.” I run my finger along the rim of my water glass. “I love him too. And it’s so hard not to hate myself for the same things he does.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. Neither of you. Ellis is gone, and that’s awful, and we all wish he were still alive, but no amount of hurting yourself or denying yourself will change that. Also, their father is an asshole.”
“I owe their father my life,” I counter.
“Why? Did he practice every day of his life as a kid? Did he get you that spot at their high school? Get you into college? Play your games? You did the hard work. He helped, sure, but don’t give him the credit for shit you did.
He wants the credit because that’s the way men like him are, so they can use you.
He does it with you, and from what Lucas said, he did it with Ellis.
Lucas is the only one who had the courage not to give him that power.
You shouldn’t do it anymore, either. You deserve better too. ”
The sound of footsteps comes from the stairs, and Isla smiles, picks up her wine, and finishes the glass just as Lucas plops down beside me, sitting sideways with his legs over my lap. “What did I miss?”
“Nothing.” I lean over and kiss him.
“I’m ordering a car,” Isla says. “I’m gonna head out.”
“Ooh, that means I get to have sex soon,” Lucas teases.
“Oh my God.” I shake my head, but I’m not at all surprised those words come out of his mouth.
“Lucky.” Isla pretends to pout before saying, “Though it’s probably not too late for me to find a trick for the night,” and it’s even easier to see why they’re such good friends.
When her car arrives, I hug her, Isla squeezing me tightly. “Thanks for coming over, Isla.”
“Thanks for having me.” She points to Lucas. “And for putting up with that guy.”
“I like that guy,” I answer, and Isla smiles. I’m fairly certain Lucas is trying to bite back a smile as well.
Lucas walks her to the car, the two of them saying goodbye. I linger on the porch, waiting for him. Once the car is out of sight, Lucas says, “I’m gonna smoke real quick. Sorry. I’ve been trying to slow down.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him closer. “I will always worry about your health, but I told you I don’t want to change you.” I press my lips to his throat, once, twice, then pull away.
Lucas doesn’t respond, just nods and lights up, taking a couple of drags in silence while we stand a few feet apart.
“You really are beautiful, you know that?” I tell him, and he grins.
“Yes.”
“I’m serious.”
“Me too. I’m fucking hot.”
“Inside and out.”
“Baby…I’ll give you a hint, if you want in my pants, I’ll never tell you no.”
Lucas winks, and I know exactly what he’s doing—trying to keep things light, not letting us get into anything too deep. It would be easy to do the same, but…
“How long?” I ask, and his pupils flare in what looks like panic.
“It was just a crush.”
“How long?” I ask again.
Lucas sighs, then takes another drag. “From the beginning, Hunter. I can’t tell you the exact moment. I thought you were cute, and at first, I just thought…I’m not supposed to feel this way about him.”
“Because I’m a guy?”
“No, because you were Ellis’s. Even before you two were dating, you were Ellis’s.
You were always supposed to be Ellis’s. If Ellis were alive, you would still be his, even if the two of you weren’t together anymore.
” Lucas stubs out the cigarette and places it in the covered ashtray he brought over.
I walk over to him, hold his face, and keep my gaze locked on his.
I wonder if he can hear my heart beating.
The damn thing is pounding like a drum. “I’m yours, Lucas.
I was always supposed to be yours. I feel it, and I fucking hate that I didn’t know it back then.
That I was young and confused and I hurt you…
hurt Ellis. I fucked everything up, but this, between us, this is right.
Ellis was always meant to be my best friend, and I was always meant to be yours. ”
Lucas drops his head back against the porch pillar and closes his eyes.
I wish I knew what was going on inside his head, but I can also tell Lucas is trying to work through something.
“You were always nice to me,” he says, without opening his eyes.
“Even when my father would get frustrated at you for it. You tried to include me. You looked at me like I mattered, even though I had no interest in the only thing that was supposed to count.” His eyes flutter open, showing me all that pretty brown.
“One day…I was fifteen at the time…we were all going to your game, even Dad, because it was their bye week. I actually wanted to go. I liked watching you play, though I tried to hide it. I came downstairs with my camera, and my dad asked where I was going. I got embarrassed and said nowhere.” Lucas sighs.
“He’s weird like that. Since I didn’t want to play, it’s like I didn’t deserve anything football-related.
Mom and Ellis asked me to come, but I pretended I never wanted to go in the first place, and so they left, and I went out and got drunk.
I listened to the game from outside the stadium, making my way through a bottle of vodka and wondering why in the hell I was there.
I got home late that night, and you found me drinking in the backyard.
You didn’t sleep well then either, and I used to get up at night, hoping to run into you. ”
“Jesus, baby.”
“Pathetic, right?”
“No. You were looking for something, you were sad and alone, and I was there.”
Lucas shakes his head. “I was sad and alone, but it was more than that. I saw something in you even back then. I was always drawn to you… We sat on the chairs outside, and you gave me a lecture about drinking.”
Sparks of memories start forming in my head. I remember that night. Remember spending like an hour out there with him, trying to speak with him and help sober him up.
“You brought me water and asked about my photography. It was probably just because you didn’t know what else to talk to me about, but—”
“That’s not why. I have always been interested in your art. I always asked about it.”
“You did.” He gives me a small smile. “You asked me why I didn’t go to your game.”
More memories coalesce. “You said no one wanted you there.”
“And then you said, I want you there. And helped me to my bed even though I didn’t need it.
I jacked off afterward, thinking about you, and the next week, a ticket to your game was pushed under my door, and I think that’s when I knew you were it for me.
I decided it right then.” He shrugs. “It’s been true ever since. ”
My heart thuds in my ears, everything sounding echoey. “Lucas…”
“You wanted the truth, and there it is. It was always you for me, and it will always be you for me. Maybe that’s too intense, but that’s me.” His gaze holds mine, defiant, daring me to look away.
But I don’t. I don’t want to, and probably couldn’t even if I did.
He’s waiting for me to run, waiting for something about him to be too much.
It’s not. It’s everything I didn’t know I wanted until I had it.
It’s messy and imperfect, wild and untamed, which is so different from every other aspect of my life.
And I need that.
I need him.
“I love you, Lucas. I love you, and I want you.” I wait for the panic to come, but it doesn’t.
The fear is there, of course it is. This is still a disaster in everyone’s eyes but ours.
I still don’t know how we’ll make this work.
I’m not even sure my mom would understand.
But I love him, and I’m not going anywhere.
Lucas doesn’t answer right away, but when he does, it’s in that way that’s unique to him. “You sure about that?” He cocks a brow.
“Yes.”
“I want you too.”
He doesn’t use those other words—the ones I never thought I would say to anyone else, the ones I never thought I would feel—but I don’t need him to. Lucas has been saying them in other ways all along.
“Let’s go inside, Hunt.”
He takes my hand, and I follow. We spend most of the night losing ourselves in each other’s bodies…we spend most of my bye week like that. Just Lucas and me, alone together.
My mom calls to check on me, surprised I didn’t come home during my bye week. I always do. Coach Blake calls too, but I ignore him.
It’s easy to forget everything when I’m so consumed with Lucas. Being with him feels like it’s mine in a way nothing in my life ever has been, and all I want is to soak up this feeling and pretend none of our problems exist when we’re together.