CHAPTER FIVE
QUINN
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“Impressive,” Marlene says as we drive into the BHS compound.
She’s the only female soldier I’ve really connected with properly. I met her the day I transferred to Fort Irwin in California.
Marlene is married with a toddler and is excited to have two weeks away from the mess.
Her words, not mine.
“Just knowing I can walk to the bathroom without standing on a Lego is exciting,” she told me when we first hit the road.
“That’s very sad,” I teased the woman who was five years older than me.
“You wait. When you have kids, you’ll understand.”
I went silent.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you not having them?” she backtracked. “Which is fine; not everyone has to have kids.”
“No, I do. I just don’t see a path. The guy I’m seeing...” I had messaged Mark to say I’d be away for a week and had yet to hear back. He was probably crunching numbers or something extremely invigorating like that. “It’s not serious. So, you know.”
Marlene, who was driving, shot me a look. “It can happen in many ways.”
“Please don’t give me the freeze your eggs speech. I’ve heard it.” I glance outside the car, taking in the view of the Mojave Desert.
“Well, if you want kids. You’re twenty-seven, right?” She shrugged, doing the math my mother had already drummed into my head.
Now that Jeannie was pregnant, I’d started doing it myself.
“Yeah. I know. It seems so unnatural, which it is, but like, ugh, how does that even work? Think I’ll get my bikini wax today, freeze my eggs, then book a date in three years to fertilize them.”
“That’s not quite how it happens.” She laughed.
“See, I’d be a useless mom; I don’t even know how it works. My point is that it can take years to know that a guy is right for you. Then by the time you get married and knocked up, well, I need to have met the one now. Which I haven’t.”
Why does that feel like a lie?
“Maybe. Or not.” Marlene shrugged again.
“I don’t want to be forty-five and suddenly a mom.”
“Have you met forty-five-year-old you? You might.” Marlene changed lanes. “Being a mom is the best thing in the world. Don’t close the door on any options. My advice is: if you want this, ditch Mr. Wrong and start dating until you find someone who is right.”
What if I have already lost him?
I can’t help wondering if my resistance has to do with the two important men in my life. My father, who thinks being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen is a better place for me, and...Noah.
My former commanding officer and the man I can never have.
Being with him, even now that he’s no longer enlisted, would prove Tyrell and probably even my father right. Everything I’ve worked for my entire career would be down the toilet.
Hell, Noah is the man who promoted me, recommended me for promotions and trained me. Every single badge and stripe on my uniform can be attributed to him in one way or another.
My feelings don’t matter.
Marlene parks the car by the Black Hawke Security administration building, and we gather our things.
“Welcome.” A bulky-looking male wearing a black polo shirt and black tactical pants greets us with a cheerful grin as he steps out of the building.
“Thank you.” Marlene reaches out her hand. “XO Bones.”
“Liam Rutherford. Captain if you want to be official.” He smiles at me.
“Hey. XO Parker.” I quickly shake his hand. “This place is impressive. Can’t wait to see more of it.”
“You will, over the next two weeks. It’s going to be an intensive training program, but in between, there will be some cool social events.” Liam winks.
Not interested.
He might be paramilitary with dark, glossy hair and a Southern drawl that would melt panties, but once again, Liam and all the men at this facility are now responsible for training me, so if they think I’m here to spread my legs, they are mistaken.
All of them.
I know how this story goes. If I slept with any of them, all credit for what I achieved would go directly to my vagina.
Or more importantly, their cocks!
I’m so over it.
I’m also over Mark, if I’m really honest. He’s not the man I want to spend forever with or have a child with. After the conversations with Marlene and Jeannie, I am starting to think I should end it with Mark.
Then what?
Back on the single train again, searching for a decent guy. How hard can it be to meet a man who is interesting, sexy and can kiss like...like?
Like Noah.
Stop thinking about him.
A few other BHS team members step out of the building, and I almost curse out loud. Talk about rounding up every hot as hell male from the entire armed forces and dropping them in front of me.
Jesus fuck.
I turn away from Liam, hiking my bag on my shoulder. “It’s going to be grueling, I’m sure. As for the social side of things, I’m not really a big drinker.”
“You never could hold your liquor.”
I spin around as the rich, masculine voice sets my body alight and find myself face to face with Noah Jenkins.
Oh my God.
This can’t be happening.
Noah stands far too close, as he always has. He’s slightly unshaven, his hair has grown a little, and his deep brown eyes glower with a sexually charged challenge.
I try not to respond, but I’m pretty sure I fail.
The short-sleeved polo does nothing to cover his large biceps, which bulge out of the cotton, and there’s no mistaking the size of his thighs inside his cargo pants.
Do not think about the inside of his pants.
God, Quinn.
I swallow, feeling my entire body quiver, and hate how he makes me feel with one single sentence.
“Hello, Quinn.” Noah slides his hands into his pants pockets, looking confident as hell.
“Noa—” I clear my throat. “Captain.”
“Noah is fine. Now.”
It really isn’t. Not now. Not ever.
But I don’t miss his pointed comment, which hangs heavily between us. No one else would have a clue how charged those four words are.
I want to cringe, but I don’t. Instead, my eyes dip to his lips, remembering how they felt against mine the night I drank too much; hence his comment.
The night they shouldn’t have.
It was before he stopped giving me a ride home on his motorbike, when our attraction to one another still felt fun. Before it crossed into more dangerous territory.
Noah Jenkins doesn’t do anything by chance. He’s incredibly smart and controlled, despite his outward happy exterior he puts on for the world. I know the real man. I studied him for days, weeks and years.
Noah knew I would be here; I know that without question, as our gazes remain glued and my heart rate escalates.
What are you doing, Noah?
We agreed this cannot happen.
Well, he didn’t agree, but...whatever.
“XO Bones, nice to meet you.” Noah shakes her hand.
“How’s working in private?”
“Joined six months ago. I’m enjoying it,” Noah replies, and I close my eyes as his smoky voice glides across my skin. “Hope you’re all excited about the next fourteen days.”
“Happy to have a break from the kids. Don’t work us too hard, though.” Marlene laughs.
“You’re training us,” I say, realizing how stupid I sound.
He nods. “Just like the good old times.”
Goddamn it.
A mix of dread and thrill rushes through me, making me shiver. Fourteen days with Noah Jenkins is such a bad idea, but I have missed him so much.
So damn much.
I thought I was making progress dating Mark for as long as I have. Sure, our relationship might not be going anywhere serious, but the fact it’s lasted more than two weeks is a milestone for me. I measure every man against Noah. I don’t mean to, but I do.
I figured Mark was an indication that I was over this infatuation with Noah. A man I can’t have. It doesn’t matter that he thinks we can...we can’t.
He doesn’t understand.
He never will.
Feeling naked and exposed as my heart beats like a drum inside my chest, wishing he’d pull me into his arms and force me to ignore my damn rules, I wait for Marlene to get us the hell out of here.
Then what? What would happen if I forgot what’s at stake here?
Then my father is right.
Then my career achievements lose all credibility.
Obliterated for one night of unbridled passion.
Because that’s all it would be.
Over the years, I’ve fantasized about being with Noah Jenkins.
At first it was his large, masculine body that attracted me: his biceps, strong jaw and roped forearms. The thought of watching him undress and seeing all of him...
My God, it would be a thing of beauty. Especially his thickness as it hung between his legs.
Yet, I also wanted the man.
His mind, his dreams, his...heart. The one he will one day give someone else because I can’t accept it.
As he gazes down at me, I wonder if he knows I went to that damn bar and drank that horrid tequila every weekend simply to spend those short thirty minutes on the back of his bike.
To wrap my arms around him, feel the strength of his back against my body, to lie down in bed and wait for him to push off the door and hear his boots walk away only when he knew I was tucked up.
I give Noah a small smile and follow Marlene across the lot, hoping that over the next fourteen days I’m so busy I barely see him.
This is no time to break up with my boyfriend. In fact, I wonder how Mark feels about phone sex?