Chapter 28
twenty-eight
HARPER
I felt bad for Finn, but at the same time, it was so entertaining to see his reactions to the residents’ questions. I’m used to how rowdy these senior citizens can get by now, but to a newcomer, it must be bizarre.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever recover, Harper. Melvin asked to be in a throuple with us.” He shakes his head, then he laughs too.
It takes us a few minutes to recover before we make our way to his truck. He puts the large bag in the back and comes around to unlock my door and help me up into my seat. I don’t need the help at this point, but I accept the offer, eager for the feel of his hands on me.
Once again, I scold myself because I shouldn’t be thinking these things. Maybe it’s a good thing he’s found a place to move into. Perhaps a little distance is what we both need.
“At least that’s over with. Hopefully there’s someone with less seniority than me to do it next year.”
“One can only hope.” I chuckle. “You did a great job though. I’ve never given much thought into what your job entails. I could never do it.”
He starts the truck and rests his arm along the back of my seat while he looks over his shoulder to reverse the truck out of the space. I have to look away because there’s something so innately sexy about that maneuver.
“Sure, you could.” He puts the truck into drive. “You could do anything you set your mind to.”
I shake my head. “Well first, there’s the whole blood thing. I could never handle that. Second, I’d probably freeze and not know what to do. Or make the wrong decision. Or plan and then second-guess whether it’s the right one. Either way, I’m not built for emergencies.”
He frowns as he pulls out of the parking lot. “I think you need to have more confidence in yourself, Harp.”
I’m adjusting my seat belt when he uses the shortened version of my name, and I still.
He must notice because he glances my way. “What?”
“You just called me Harp.”
Finn shrugs one shoulder. “It just came out. Is that okay?” He takes another quick glance at me.
Only the closest people in my life ever use the moniker, but I love the way it sounds coming off his tongue. “Yeah, it’s okay.”
He doesn’t glance in my direction, but he smiles as he looks at the road.
I realize something about what I’ve just said. “Wait. Oh my god. What if something happens and our child needs me, and I just freeze and I’m not able to help them?”
“That’s not going to happen.” Finn shakes his head.
“But what if it does?”
“If you’re not confident about what to do after tonight, then I’ll show you again and again until you are.”
“I was paying attention. That’s not the problem. I just think that when it comes time to use the knowledge, I won’t be able to.”
“You will, Harper.”
I sigh. “I think you’re wrong. It’d be just like me to make a bad situation even worse.”
“Hey.” Finn places his hand on my knee and squeezes as we’re stopped at a light.
It’s just my knee, but to my libido, you’d think he’s squeezing my breast. I want to press my thighs together, but he’ll know what’s up if I do.
“Stop thinking of yourself like some screwup. I understand that you may not have been straight as an arrow when you were a teen, but you need to shed that image of yourself. That’s not who you are now.
Not even close.” He shifts to make eye contact with me.
“You’re a capable, smart, successful woman with a helluva lot of heart.
There’s no part of you that should be apologizing for that. ”
His words sink in and hit their mark, dead center in my chest. I smile softly. “Thanks, Finn.”
He nods then looks back at the road, pulling through the intersection.
Maybe I do need to let go of how I saw myself growing up and embrace who I am today. Shed it like a second skin. Some of Finn’s confidence seeps in. I just hope it sticks around when the baby comes.
* * *
Two days later, I get a text from Finn while I’m preparing a vision board for a client I’m meeting later this week.
Think you can get away for half an hour? I’m going to check out that place that’s coming up for rent before I catch my flight. Would love your opinion.
There’s that pinching sensation in my chest again. What the hell?
I already woke up grumpy because today is the day Finn flies home. Between packing everything at his place in Vermont, selling what he’s not taking with him, saying goodbye to family and friends, and driving back to Alaska, he’ll likely be gone for three weeks.
The reality of that is setting in, and I don’t like the way it makes me feel—lonely, grumpy, and a little sad. As does the thought of him moving out. Now that Finn spends some nights at the fire station, I realize how much I miss his company when he’s not around.
But I can’t tell him that. We agreed that we’d maintain a friendship and nothing more. Anything else has the potential to be too complicated.
Yeah. Text me the address and I’ll leave now.
He does, and after locking up the office, I head down Main Street where I’m parked. It takes me less than five minutes to get there, and Finn’s car is already parked in the driveway when I do. I park behind him, and he climbs out of the driver’s side when he sees me.
“Hey, sorry to drag you away from work at the last minute,” he says, shoving his hands into the pockets of his coat.
“It’s no problem.” I glance at the house. “So has your coworker already moved out?”
“Pretty much. He said he just has a few boxes to take with him. Want to take a look?”
I force myself to put on a smile as I walk toward him. “Sure.”
We walk up to the house side-by-side, and Finn knocks on the door. A man who’s probably a decade older than us answers. He has dark brown eyes that complement his russet skin.
“Hey, Shane, thanks for letting me come by and take a look. This is Harper.”
Shane gives me a kind smile and extends his hand. “Good to meet you, Harper. Heard lots about you from this one.” He nods at Finn, and if I didn’t know better, I’d think that Finn’s cheeks look a little red.
“All good, I assume.” I give him a smile, and he laughs.
“Nothing but. Come on in, you guys.” He steps back to let us inside. “I’m going to work on loading these last few boxes while you guys look around. Let me know if you have any questions.”
Both Finn and I thank him, then Shane grabs a box from the pile in the living room in front of us and makes his way outside.
“Shall we?” Finn arches a brow and leads us inside.
The house is small—smaller than mine—but that’s not a big deal. When we go upstairs, I realize there are two bedrooms up here and one small bathroom that’s been remodeled with only a shower.
“What do you think?” Finn asks as I look around the space.
“There’s no bathtub for the baby. It’s not the end of the world.” I shrug. “You could always use those plastic portable ones or something.”
Finn frowns, obviously not having considered that. I’m surprised I did actually.
We walk over to the second bedroom to check it out. One wall has the door, one has the closet, another the window. I walk inside the room and over to the window. It’s not a huge room, but then again, a baby doesn’t need a lot of space.
Stepping over to the window, I look out it. “This window is a little drafty, so you’d have to put the crib on this wall.” I gesture to the only other wall available.
Finn doesn’t say anything, just watches me.
We continue the tour, taking a closer look downstairs. The living room is a living room, nothing special, and we head into the kitchen.
“There’s no dishwasher. You’re going to have to wash all the dishes yourself.”
Again, Finn doesn’t say anything, but a slight frown mars his lips.
“Well, that’s it for my boxes. Do you guys have any questions?” Shane says from behind me.
Finn looks over my shoulder at him. “No questions.”
“So do you want me to tell the landlord that you want the place?” Shane asks.
Finn opens his mouth to say something, and I open mine at the same time—to say what, I’m not sure.
“Do you mind giving us a few minutes, Shane?” Finn asks, keeping his gaze locked with mine. “We just want to have one more quick look around.”
“Sure. I have to grab a couple things from the store around the corner anyway. I’ll go do that and be back in, like, ten. Take your time.”
I hear his footsteps get farther away, then the front door opens and closes, and it’s just Finn and myself.
“Do you not like this place?” Finn asks, concern lacing his words.
I look away from him, down at my feet where I keep shifting my weight from one side to another. “It’s not that…”
“Are you not comfortable with our child spending time here?” He steps closer until his feet are in my line of vision.
I look up, and it hits me like a sledgehammer to the heart. I don’t want Finn to move out. Not at all.
“I’m sorry. It’s fine. It works great.” I shake my head and step back. God, I’m being a bitch, complaining about a drafty window and no dishwasher. What the hell?
“So I should take it?” he asks, his voice so quiet no one would hear him outside of this kitchen.
I glance up, and our eyes lock. Questions fill his hazel eyes.
I inhale. “While we were walking around this place, I realized that you moving here means that we’ll have to buy two cribs, two changing tables, two rockers…
two of everything. And then he or she will have to split their time between your place and mine. ”
“That’s coparenting, Harper.” He takes another step closer, and the scent of his cologne and a scent that I’ve come to realize is just Finn wraps around me.
“I know.” For some reason, tears prick the corners of my eyes. I feel at war with my body, wanting to tell him everything I want, but fearful I’ll ruin my baby’s future.
He cups my cheek with his palm. “Do you not want me to move out?”
I squeeze my eyes shut. What am I doing? What am I doing? This isn’t what we agreed was best.
“Do you want to move out?” I ask.
“No.”
My eyes snap open. He’s looking at me with an intensity I haven’t seen since the dressing room incident, and I realize that he’s been holding back the same way I have or because of me. It would just be like him to give me the space I needed.
“You don’t?”
He shakes his head, still maintaining eye contact. “No.”
We stand in silence for a beat.
“What does this mean?”
He presses his lips together. “I don’t know. And unfortunately, we don’t have time to find out right now because I have a flight to catch.”
I nod, disappointment flooding my chest like the gushing rivers after the spring melt in the mountains.
“But we’ll figure it out when I return, okay? I’ll tell Shane I’m not interested in the place anymore, and when I get back, we’ll decide together what it means for us, for our baby.” He sets his hand on my small protruding belly.
My eyes drift closed. Something about the gesture calms and reassures me.
“Okay, we’ll figure it out.”
He nods then drops his hand from my stomach, stepping back as though it takes great effort to do so. “To be continued then…”
Something about the way he says it makes my toes curl. These next three weeks apart from him are going to feel like a year.