Chapter 35 #2
Dale, Zara and Nemmie bob under one with Martha, and Tia looks out at me from under the other. ‘There’s room for two more under here, but it’s a bit damp and dirty.’
‘Which is worse, a soaked dress or a muddy one?’ I let out a groan. ‘After all my experience, you’d think I’d know this.’
As Lando looks across at me, he’s flapping out an umbrella. ‘If you come under here with me, you’ll avoid both.’
I’m blinking. ‘Where the hell did that come from?’
For the first time in weeks he looks pleased. ‘I had it in my secret groom’s pocket. I also have a lighter in case we need to make a fire, and I have wipes and rescue remedy too.’
I walk over to him, look up at the umbrella above his head and wrinkle my nose. ‘It’s not very wide. In future I’d advise you ditch the rest and go for a bigger brolly.’
‘I’m not planning on making a career out of this.’ He looks up, then looks back at me. ‘If you stand close enough, we should both be sheltered.’
By the time I’ve jumped the last few yards towards him and gathered my skirt around my ankles, the rain is hammering too much to care about anything other than getting out of it.
The last step takes me into the dry, but I come to a standstill with my boobs and chin rammed against the planes of his chest, my arms clamped by my sides and my shoulders wedged between the lapels of his open jacket.
‘Everything okay there, Maevey?’
Truly, I’d be more comfortable perched on an iceberg being stalked by polar bears, but I can’t tell him that. I untangle my hair from his stubble, breathe in a full lungful of his scent and let my head spin for a minute.
Then I reply. ‘I’m seriously sorry for invading your personal umbrella-space, Lando.’ I take that the upturned boats are within hearing distance and lower my voice. ‘Especially given the circumstances.’
His voice is a rumble. ‘Excuse me?’
He hasn’t got a clue what I’m talking about so I carry on.
‘I know you hate me, and I don’t blame you for a second.
I’m just really sorry for being the cause and for making you so cross.
It just feels like, in the long run, it might be easier, if you could find it in your heart not to despise me quite so much for all of this. ’
He pushes me backwards and looks down at me. ‘Despise is a very strong word, Maevey. Why ever would you think that?’
I’d have thought it was obvious, but I’m going to have to spell it out. ‘These last few weeks, since I told you the truth about Nemmie, you’ve been about as happy as a bear with an axe in its head. Which gets measurably worse if I’m around – apparently. So, that!’
I don’t give him space to cut in. ‘It feels very destructive, and it’s very hard to deal with for Tia, Poppy, Jess and the rest of the people at the shop.’
His surprise registers in his voice. ‘Our work colleagues have noticed?’
I have to be straight. ‘It’s so extreme, the whole of St Aidan has to be aware.’
‘Drat, damn, blast.’ He blows out a breath.
‘I had no idea my personal meltdown was so public. It’s ironic, because you’re the last person in the world I’d ever despise, Maevey.
The only person I’m annoyed with is myself.
But I’m not just annoyed, I’m raging. I’m so wrapped up in the rage, I can’t see past it to function. ’
‘I’m so sorry, Lando.’ I’m kicking myself for misunderstanding so badly.
His eyebrows arch upwards. ‘Nothing about this is your fault, Maeve. You had a baby to deal with. Then a child. This entire situation is my doing, and that’s why I’m beating myself up.
’ He pauses to breathe, then continues, ‘I’m raging for making wrong decisions.
I’m raging for the years I wasn’t here for you when I should have been.
I’m raging because I want to turn the clock back and I can’t.
I’m desperately sad for everything I missed out on, all the things that it’s impossible to catch up on because they’re gone.
I’m raging for everything I’ve made you go through on your own.
As you said, I should have come back, and I didn’t.
I can’t ever imagine being able to forgive myself for making that mistake. ’
Hearing the desolation in his voice as he says the words, my heart is breaking for him.
I swallow hard and wonder how the hell to reply. ‘Regret is a very negative emotion, Lando. If you carry on like this, you’ll destroy yourself for no reason.’
I feel him fill his lungs. ‘You sound a lot like my sisters.’
‘Remind me of their names.’
‘Fifi and Esme.’
I’m despairing at how upmarket they sound. ‘You didn’t often talk about your family.’
‘We haven’t always had the best of relationships.’ His voice is hollow. ‘So, give me some womanly insight. What do you suggest?’
I am the last person to be advising him, and it’s a measure of his desperation that he’s even asking. I draw in a breath and think about how I helped myself.
‘Forget everything that went before, stop beating yourself up, never let yourself think “what if?”. Start with the situation you’re in now and move forwards from there.’
He’s shifting against me. ‘That’s easy to say.’
I’m struggling for pointers, anything that might release him from the destructive mindset he’s in now. This is not the easiest circumstance either, trailing round town with Nemmie right under his nose, but hopefully we won’t have to repeat this.
‘First you have to forgive yourself. If you let go of the anger, you’ll be able to make more sense of what you’re facing.
’ His chest is warm under the smooth cotton of his shirt, and as the thud of his heart echoes mine, I smile.
‘Once you find your way back to the happy guy you used to be, everything will feel easier.’
He gives a grunt. ‘I’m not sure I’d ever have described myself as that.’
I let out a cry. ‘Shit, Lando, you had so much, why weren’t you over the moon?’ My age-old frustrations get the better of me. ‘You privileged people are so annoying! If the rest of us had it half as easy, we’d never be sad again!’
There’s a shout from under the boat. ‘Maevey said a swear!’
Then another. ‘That’s another fifty pence for the jar!’
Lando murmurs in my ear, ‘If your mum’s still charging you for cursing, it might be time to move out.’
‘Frigg off out of my business, Lando.’ I’m hissing back at him, staggered by the cheek, but pleased he’s reconnected with that teasing tone.
He gives a low laugh. ‘Thank you for helping, Maeve. Things never feel quite so bad after I’ve been shouted at by a Brownbury.’
‘Frigg off for that too!’ I’m on tiptoe, grasping his shirt in each hand to steady myself, my lips brushing his ear so I can shout at my target without the kids hearing.
His lips brush against my ear. ‘If you stop the swearing for long enough to look along the beach, you may find it’s no longer raining.’
‘Crikey, Lando, why do you always have to be so on it?’
He laughs again. ‘I didn’t say you had to move. Feel free to stay exactly where you are for as long as you like.’
I’m about to tell him where to go again, when I hear a cry from Tia.
‘Hold it there, Maevey! There’s a rainbow, sunshine, clouds and you two and Angel all under one umbrella. This is too good to miss!’
I look down to see Angel at my feet, his back propped against Lando’s shins, his bottom resting comfortably on the cushion of my piled-up dress. If only for his persistence, I hold my pose until Tia calls to tell us she’s all done, and only look up again when I hear Nemmie’s shout.
‘Look what we found!’
I coax Angel off my skirt, and as I ease myself away from Lando’s warmth and the shade of his umbrella, it feels like I’m leaving our own private bubble and stepping back into the real world again.
I watch Nemmie and Dale crawl out from under their boat, and a second later a multicoloured beach ball comes hurtling towards us.
Lando lunges sideways across the sand and shouts, ‘This one’s mine!’
A few moments later he’s off along the beach at a run, showing the kids how to do drop kicks.
I’m not sure what shifted there, but something definitely has. With this rollercoaster of a ride we’re on, who knows what will come next? For so long our life has been stable and even, and now the only certainty is that we’ll be having chocolate muffins at the Surf Shack.