Chapter 46
Nancarrow Castle, Nancarrow, Cornwall
Shaken not stirred
Saturday
‘Well done for keeping your cool in the face of abundance, Maevey.’
In the last couple of hours Lando and I have visited three more buffets and a myriad of cocktail bars, jumped around to noughties tunes in the dance marquee, and now we’re sitting in a light-festooned garden, getting our breath back and sipping something that’s making my head whirl, out of very tall glasses.
I have to laugh at this new side of Lando I’ve tuned into. ‘Today is like every blow-out wedding I’ve ever been to rolled into one.’
Lando laughs. ‘If you have any memory, they can’t have been that good.’ His smile widens. ‘It’s a relief you’re still talking to me, anyway.’
He looks so uncertain, there’s a twang in my chest. ‘After knowing you for so long, it’s a revelation to finally see where you come from, Lando.’ It’s more than that. ‘I feel very honoured that you’ve shown me.’
His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. ‘And are there any reactions you’d like to share?’
I owe him this at least. ‘I never imagined it being so big, but a lot of it is ordinary. I mean, your bedroom doesn’t even have a radiator.’
A smile lilts around his lips. ‘I was lucky to have electricity. Did you think I slept in a four poster?’
I’m trying to put my finger on it. ‘I was expecting bling, but nothing here is shiny.’
His smile lines deepen. ‘It’s old money, not new. The house sprawls but it’s never polished because they’d rather buy land than do bathroom upgrades. They spend on roof repairs not swimming pools.’
I’m trying to pinpoint the differences. ‘I see why you don’t do your own DIY.’
He rubs his thumb along his jaw. ‘When I came back from Australia there was a lot of pressure for me to take on a family role. It caused a rift, but that wasn’t who I am. After that, until I came back to sort out Sav’s takeovers, I went my own way and only saw the girls.’
I hadn’t understood the magnitude. ‘You speaking to your family again is one good thing that came out of Sav’s downfall.’
His lips twist into a grin. ‘There are other, even better ones.’
I raise an eyebrow. ‘Like Weddings at Windflowers?’
‘That too.’ He tilts his head. ‘While you’re here, I’ll show you the wilderness garden. It’s always been my favourite place to hide away.’
My eyes are shining. ‘Do I get to see the tree house?’
He stands up and pulls me to my feet. ‘We’ll save that for daylight, but if you’ve had enough of the party, there’s somewhere else you may like.’
Lando’s hand is strong around mine as he leads me into the darkness.
The dangling festoon lights run out, but I can still see shapes in the half-light as we walk along a grassy path, then we slip through a hole in a high hedge and step out into another space. I see the outline of a building and can’t hide my surprise.
‘You have your own beach hut!’
Lando gives a low laugh. ‘This far from the sea we call it a summer house.’ Two steps up and we’re on the verandah. There’s a flame in the dark and he bends to light fat candles in tall glass lanterns. ‘Oliver’s groom’s tools coming in handy.’
The double doors to the hut are open, and he dips inside and comes back out again carrying an ice bucket, glasses and a bottle of bubbly. Then he goes again and comes back with an armful of throws and cushions and spreads them out across the planks of the deck.
I peer into the bucket. ‘If this is one you prepared earlier, how come the ice hasn’t melted?’
He raises an eyebrow. ‘Elliot brought it over for me just now. There’s a picnic hamper too in case we get hungry.’
I sit on the verandah step, slip off my shoes, and look up at a velvet sky the same inky blue as my day dress. There’s a pop behind me, and as a glass of fizz arrives in my hand I’m trying to work it out.
‘So explain to me, why aren’t you like the others, Lando? What made you turn your back on all this?’
‘Even as a young kid I was very much on the sidelines in this world. I couldn’t take the hunting and shooting and I hated that the workers worked and we took the profits.
And my parents were distant with all of us, but even more so with me.
’ He lets out a breath. ‘Then I got thrown out of boarding school, ended up in St Aidan, and the day I went home with Sav, I found the warmth I’d always sensed was missing at home but hadn’t ever been able to articulate. ’
‘Oh, Lando.’ I’m fighting back the tears.
He pulls a face. ‘Our mum enjoyed having babies; she just wasn’t that interested in the next part.
Any outfit that sends kids away from home at six and relies on household staff before that, aren’t ever going to be big on heartfelt hugs.
Some kids never realise, but I did.’ He sighs.
‘As humans we’re built to survive, and kids are resilient.
If there’s a chance to grab something they need but aren’t getting, they’ll dive in remorselessly.
And that was me. That’s why I became a full-time fixture at yours. ’
I blow out a breath. ‘Because your own home life was so shit and there was no one there to care for you.’
This could explain why he was hard on his parents at the beach hut. I reach for his hand, link my fingers through his and try to make up for everything he didn’t get.
He’s squeezing my hand back and his voice is soft in the darkness.
‘A lot of our experiences depend on where we are in the family. I came after Rupert and Elliot, and I only found out much later that before I was born my mum had had a stillborn baby girl. When I came along, Mum couldn’t bear to look at me because I wasn’t her.’
It’s such a shock my throat goes dry. ‘Jeez, Lando.’
He sighs again. ‘It wasn’t my mother’s fault.
She was grieving; she was in a pit of doom; she wasn’t in any state to look after a baby, so I spent my early years being handed round her sisters.
Then Fi came along, and then Esme and Piers, and at some point I came back and took my place in the crowd.
It’s all very hazy, but I guess that’s the real answer to your question.
’ He pauses, then starts again. ‘We all get our own hand in life, and it’s down to us to make the best of whatever comes our way. ’
I’m kicking myself for every assumption I’ve ever made about Lando.
‘I’m so sorry. I’ve always implied that you had it easy, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.’
His shoulders rise and fall again. ‘It’s okay. I’m just pleased I’ve finally had a chance to explain. I feel better about going forward, knowing you understand why I am how I am.’
I put my glass down and put both my hands around his. ‘Love and stability are the most important things for a child. It’s heartbreaking to think of someone I care about growing up without them.’
He pulls a face. ‘Your family gave me more than you’ll ever know. I’ll be grateful my whole life for that.’
He’s given me so much of himself here I have to give something back. ‘If it’s time for baring our souls, how about I tell you what happened after I’d had Nemmie. The reasons I didn’t tell you about her.’
I let go of his hand, take a swig of fizz and gather my courage.
‘I understand what your mum went through, because I didn’t cope well after Nemmie was born.
’ I pause to think where to go next. ‘In those first few days of Nemmie being alive I could feel my own life disappearing, and then the panic and the tears and the tiredness took over, and I plunged faster than going down a bobsleigh run.’
‘Oh, Maevey. I feel so bad I wasn’t there to share it with you.’
I have to be straight. ‘I’m pleased you weren’t, because it was awful.
For months and months all I saw was blackness and all I did was cry.
The worse it got, the more scared I was that if you came and saw how badly I was doing, you might want to take Nemmie away from me.
For her sake. Because babies need their mums to be happy, and I was doing such a bad job of that. ’
I’m hugging myself, shuddering as I think about it.
‘It sounds silly, sitting here looking up at the stars in between the clouds, knowing how okay we all are now. I was so scared then because I was hanging by the flimsiest of threads. All I could think was that if you came back and your family sent in their lawyers, I wouldn’t stand a chance.
That I was too weak to fight you. I couldn’t bear to think about losing my baby when my love for her was the only thing keeping me going. ’
Lando rakes his fingers through his hair. ‘I’m so sorry, Maeve. You must have been in the darkest of places to think of me like that.’
His arms close around me, and as I lean my face on his shoulder, my cheeks are wet with tears. I give a sniff.
Lando pulls a hanky from his pocket and puts it into my hand. ‘Another of Oliver’s essentials.’
I wipe my eyes and clutch the hanky. ‘And then one year ran into the next, and then another. By then I was mortified for not telling you earlier, and asking myself how I’d ever explain why I’d left it for so long.
’ I give a shrug. ‘Then I started to wonder why the hell you hadn’t come back to see for yourself.
’ I leave that to sink in. ‘Next I knew, there you were! I fell into the harbour with the shock.’
His voice warms. ‘It’s honestly okay, Maeve. I’m coming to terms with it.’
‘Thanks for forgiving me.’
He sighs. ‘You didn’t ever do anything wrong.’ He rubs my hand with his thumb. ‘I noticed Fi was wearing your B&Q dress today.’
I sniff and laugh at the same time. ‘It wasn’t ever my dress, Lando.’
I feel him holding me a little further away to look at my face. ‘Have you kept all of them?’
I roll my eyes. ‘They’re in various places around the wedding shop, yes.’
He grins. ‘That’s a relief.’ He pats my skirt. ‘You look fabulous in this dress. I liked when you were trying it on. Afterwards was even better.’
I start diverting wildly. ‘A whole day with Sav, I hope Martha’s okay.’
‘I’m sure she will be.’ There’s a smile on Lando’s lips in the shadows. ‘I’ve been meaning to ask… Did you really kiss me the other day, or did I imagine it?’
My eyes open wide. ‘What kind of question is that?’
He’s biting his lip. ‘The last I heard, I had a one-star rating.’
‘Due to me being absolutely furious with you … I may have marked you down.’
‘You’d have saved me a lot of sleepless nights if you’d told me that earlier.’ He shakes his head. ‘So you haven’t written me off completely?’
‘I could try again to double check…’ I slide my fingers through his hair, pull his face towards me, and close my teeth on the corner of his mouth.
I hear him moan. ‘It kills me when you do that.’
In a moment I’ll cross a line and I won’t be able to stop. I tense a little. ‘I know I’ve had a lot to drink, but I’m not wasted. It’s more a feeling of walking on clouds. That the whole world is spread out before me and anything is possible.’
Lando’s laugh is low in my ear. ‘You’re on a champagne high.’
I’m looking back at the last few months, trying to remind myself why I’ve held back, and all I can see is Fi’s falling confetti rose petals.
I give a sigh and try to get all my doubts into one sentence. ‘I thought for so long I couldn’t do this because I wasn’t good enough.’
Lando is shaking his head. ‘That’s crazy, Maeve. You’re the strong one. You’ve always been so much better than me.’
‘We’re more alike than we knew.’ I smile because it’s funny. ‘We like fairy lights and merry-go-rounds: we dance to the same wedding bangers. Maybe this is possible after all?’
Lando’s chest rumbles as he laughs. ‘If you don’t try, you’ll never know.’
I pick up the bottle, take a large swig and get the last bit of courage I need.
Then Lando’s hand slides up my leg and my heart goes into overdrive.
As my mouth finds his, he tastes of sunshine and meringues, and then I swing to sit astride him and my insides explode.
For the second time in my life he’s here, he’s willing, and there’s no reason whatsoever to hold back…
A very long time later, I wake up lying on top of him, and murmur, ‘Shall we make a night of this?’
As he rolls me over, he laughs. ‘Sounds like a plan, Maevey. Or better still, why not a year?’ Then he pulls me into another kiss, and I close my eyes tight and brace myself for the next pleasure wave.