Chapter Nineteen #2
Suddenly Gage had a longing to be more honest. ‘I’m not great at navigating social situations like this. My only excuse is that I joined the forces at sixteen, so this is my first real experience of civilian life as an adult.’ He managed a wry smile. ‘It’s been an eye-opener.’
‘It must have. You may never be the life and soul of the party, but that’s okay. Not everyone has to be loud and opinionated like me,’ she said with a laugh. ‘Harry’s teaching me to be a little less brash, but it’s an uphill battle some days.’
Gage couldn’t help smiling.
‘You’ve had to deal with the physical and emotional after-effects of your traumatic knee injury too. It adds to it.’
‘Yeah.’ His gaze swept around the room, full of people laughing and enjoying themselves. ‘It’s hard to accept I’ve the right to be happy sometimes when I’ve seen so much suffering all over the world.’
‘I get that.’ She glanced around. ‘I have the same problem switching off after a tough shift at work. Harry’s much better at compartmentalising.’
‘Men are supposed to be, but it doesn’t always work that way.
’ Gage took a gulp of beer. ‘Being part of the military force in a particular place, we were often the root cause of people’s distress.
That’s a conflict you don’t have to deal with because you’re simply there to help your patients.
End of story.’ He hadn’t meant to sound bitter.
‘Sorry. I’m being a downer and spoiling a great night. ’
‘Maybe this isn’t the place to say this, but I wonder if you might find it helpful to—’
‘Speak to someone?’
‘Or isn’t that for tough, invincible marines?’
‘We both know I’m not that.’ He grimaced. ‘This proves it.’ Gage tapped his left knee. ‘I had counselling afterwards and it helped. I’m trying to learn to put distance between myself and all that happened, and move on.’
Josie’s compassionate smile said she knew it wasn’t that easy.
‘Anyway, forget that. You were complimenting me on the shop display.’
‘It’s awesome. I was there for the unveiling.’
He’d been surprised when quite a crowd had gathered outside the shop on Tuesday morning to see Emily, wearing a bright-red-and-green elf costume, dramatically pull back the paper covering from the window until the whole scene was visible.
When that was done, she sprinted around to pass out colourful flyers advertising their Christmas specials.
‘I had very little to do with it. I arranged a few things under instruction and fixed the lights, but that’s all. Oh, and played “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” on my phone when Tamara gave me the cue. Tamara came up with the theme of “All I Want for Christmas is Books”.’
Between her and Emily, they’d created the scene of books tumbling out of stockings hanging at a fireplace, while Father Christmas sat in a rocking chair, engrossed in reading the books that’d been left out for him instead of mince pies.
‘I think it’s brill. Becky says she hasn’t seen Emily so enthusiastic about anything in ages. She’s really grateful to you.’
‘I’m the grateful one. Having the opportunity to help my niece, and get to know her better in the process, is incredible.’
‘And as for the transformation you’ve worked on Tamara.’ Josie lowered her voice. ‘She needed dragging out of her rut. We’d all failed miserably, though not for lack of trying. Then along you came.’ She patted his hand. ‘You’re a good, decent man. Stop being so hard on yourself.’
Gage’s eyes prickled and he blinked hard. The last thing he needed was to break down in front of all their friends.
‘Can I whisk my man away for a minute because there’s something I need to show him?’ Tamara appeared by his shoulder.
He pushed back his chair and mumbled a quick apology to Josie for abandoning her.
They meandered through the kitchen and stepped outside the back door, making sure to shut it behind them.
‘I was helping Melissa collect the dirty dishes when I saw Josie haranguing you and thought you might need rescuing. She can be a bit forceful at times.’
‘She meant well.’
‘The most damning words in the English language.’ She chuckled. ‘Melissa tells us the southern equivalent is “bless her heart” said in a syrupy, sympathetic tone.’
‘Actually Josie was really understanding. She’s very observant. I suppose the best nurses always are.’ He hesitated briefly. ‘We talked about stuff I’d like to share with you too. Not now though.’
The soft night air, the myriad of stars twinkling in an ink-black sky, and the hum of conversation that drifted out through the open kitchen window. All of those faded away. Telling her the full story would be a relief.
‘Anyone would think you were horny teenagers instead of a respectable middle-aged couple.’ Melissa’s laugh rang out and they turned to see her watching them from the kitchen door. ‘Get inside. Now. Dessert is on the table, so you’ve more eating to do. Then there’s our thankful thing.’
‘We’re coming in a minute.’ After that promise Gage lowered his voice to a whisper. ‘It’ll be late when we get away from here. Too late to talk?’
‘Not for me. Let’s go stuff ourselves with pumpkin pie, or whatever Americans eat at Thanksgiving.
I’d happily eat a whole bowl of that sweet-potato casserole for pudding.
’ She giggled. ‘Don’t look so horrified.
You and not liking sweets! From my experience most men love their sweets.
You’re an exception.’ A giggle slipped out.
‘In oh so many ways you’re a very unique man. Maybe that’s why I fell for you.’
‘You’re unique too. Smart, witty and beautiful. You’ll do me very well.’
‘Oh, will I indeed, Mr Bennet? We’ll see about that.’ Tamara grabbed his hand and dragged him along with her. ‘And if I’m not on your thankful list, there’ll be trouble.’
‘You top it.’
That silenced her. A rare-enough occurrence to make them both laugh and he couldn’t help giving her a quick kiss.
* * *
Tamara’s heart fluttered as she glanced across at Gage.
He’d chosen to sit in his old favourite chair when they’d walked into her living room, leaving her to drop down on the sofa.
They’d been the first to leave the Thanksgiving dinner and had had to put up with a lot of teasing smiles and suggestive remarks about why they’d been so keen to go.
‘It’s hard for me to talk about some things, but I need to try.
If nothing else it should help you understand me better.
’ Gage puffed out a breath. ‘Earlier at dinner I had to apologise to Josie for not doing the polite thing and chatting to her.’ He leaned forward and rested his hands on his large, muscular thighs.
‘Until recently I’ve spent all my adult life in the military, where so many of the so-called rules are different. ’
‘I get that and I’m sure Josie understood.’
‘She did. Too well.’ He gave a rough laugh. ‘I didn’t plan on admitting so many of my demons, but she wriggled them out before I knew what was happening.’
‘That sounds like Josie.’ Tamara needed to tread carefully. ‘Tell me more.’
Her heart broke a little more for him with each wrenching word he dragged out. The lamp behind his shoulder cast shadows on his face, showing the pain evident in every line of his stern profile.
‘From the time you were a teenager, you’ve done a job not many of us could manage and did it to the best of your ability. Josie was right when she said you’re a good man and not to be so hard on yourself. You’ll get there and I’ll do everything I can to help.’
Gage got up and came to sit by her. He draped his arm around her shoulder. ‘You’re good for me, you know that?’
‘I hope so. You certainly are for me.’ She nestled into him.
‘I’m going to offload on you now for a minute.
Melissa’s worrying me. When we were in the kitchen, her face kept falling into a dark kind of sadness when she thought nobody was looking.
And Nathan was throwing her worried looks. I think it’s the baby thing.’
Gage’s expression altered.
‘Don’t panic. Just because I’m around the same age as Melissa, that doesn’t mean I want to have another baby.
’ She softened her voice. ‘I might’ve been tempted if we’d met ten years ago, but I wouldn’t fancy going back to dirty nappies and sleepless nights now.
’ Tamara faltered. ‘You said that when you were married, you wanted kids but your ex-wife didn’t.
I sense there was more to it. Am I right?
’ The breath caught in her throat when he didn’t rush to answer.
* * *
‘Yeah, but there are other things I need to get off my chest first.’ Gage grimaced.
This was never going to be easy, so the sooner he got it over with, the better.
‘I told you I met Victoria at a party, but I never said how much she dazzled me.’ He could see the stark admission had taken Tamara aback.
‘Most of all I need you to know why. The only excuse I’ve got is that I’d recently returned from my third tour of Afghanistan and was wiped out, mentally and physically.
I’d seen so much . . . ugliness. I can’t explain it . . .’
‘I can. She was the opposite of everything your life was about and you clung to that like a drowning man to a lifebelt. How long were you married?’
‘Five years on paper. She came from a wealthy family whose lineage goes back to William the Conqueror, and it was an act of defiance on her part to marry a common soldier. Yeah, I was an officer by that point, but that didn’t make me any more acceptable.
‘The novelty soon wore off for both of us. She was never going to fit into my life and I’d no interest in fitting into hers.
We limped along for a while and kept up the pretence of being a couple.
’ Gage swiped at his eyes. ‘The final curtain came when I returned from a month-long NATO exercise to find a taxi waiting outside the front door and a pile of suitcases in the hall. As her parting gesture, she told me that while I was away she’d found out she was pregnant.
I was still reeling from that when she casually tossed out that she didn’t want my baby, or anyone’s.
As it happened, she’d miscarried — at least that’s what she claimed — but I’ve never been certain. ’ He stared at the floor.
‘No wonder my thoughtless comment about not wanting another child struck so hard.’ She rested her head against his shoulder.
‘That’s different.’
‘Yes, it is. And you need to absolutely know that.’
Her fierce response made him smile. For the first time in days, he thought about Taff’s enigmatic message.
He’d worried over it at first before concluding that his old friend must’ve got the wrong end of the stick.
No way was his ex-wife interested in tracking him down to rekindle any sort of relationship.
‘But . . .’ Her voice trailed away.
‘But what? You can say anything to me. Surely you know that now?’
Her breath trembled. ‘I don’t want to hold you back from becoming a dad if that’s what you want, but I really can’t see myself with a baby at this point in my life. Perhaps it’s best we break things off now before we get in any deeper, so you could find someone to have a family with.’
‘Oh, Tamara.’ Gage gazed into her troubled eyes. ‘You want me to go out and find some random woman to father a child with? Seriously?’
‘Well, when you put it like that — no.’
‘What we have together is more than I’ve ever dared to hope for and you’re all I need.’ This wasn’t the right moment to say anything more about his deepening feelings for her. He gathered her closer so he felt her heartbeat against his own. ‘Are we okay now?’
‘I’d say we’re more than okay.’