21. Alex
Alex
The last time I felt my stomach flutter with nerves, I was preparing to move to another country.
The idea of leaving behind the world I knew to venture into a life that had always seemed like a dream had me pressing a hand to my gut.
It’s surreal that sitting in Chanice’s living room in the middle of the day would warrant the same response.
I guess in a way, this is me considering entering into a life I never thought I would.
“So, you have siblings?” After explaining who the three kids—currently at school—are, she waited for me to take it in.
“Mhm.”
“And you have custody of them?”
She nods, and I feel this truth push me back into her couch.
At twenty-three, I was in the middle of getting my master’s in business.
I was partying, traveling, and quite frankly fucking my way through the city.
Barely taking care of myself, I couldn’t imagine another person’s life being in my hands, let alone three.
“To put it lightly, my mother is trash. As long as I have been alive, she hasn’t been able to keep her shit together for more than a year. When I was nineteen, and the kids got taken out of her care, I didn’t really see another choice but to take them.”
“Nineteen?” I can’t keep the shock from my voice.
I know there are people who are young parents. It’s possible to make it work. I just can’t imagine having to do something like this after just leaving childhood yourself, especially when you didn’t bring the kids into this world.
“I’ve been in the system, and I’ve been with my mother, and both options are horrible.
I wish that someone had been able to step in when I was younger and give me something better.
I always knew I was going to take them. It just happened sooner than I thought.
But I wouldn’t change the decision. I’ve been able to give them stability and a safe place. It’s the least a child is owed.”
She tucks her hair behind her ear and looks down at the ground. Her knee is bouncing, and she keeps rubbing her hands up and down her pants. I don’t know if it’s the confessions or some misguided shame that has her looking this way, but I want it to end. She should be nothing but proud of herself.
“You amaze me.”
“Stop.” She holds up a hand and shakes it, clearly embarrassed.
I grab hold of it and bring it onto my lap, squeezing tight. With my other one, I lift her chin so she is forced to look at me.
“Don’t do that. Don’t downplay what you have done.
I don’t know many people who would put their own lives to the side to take on this type of responsibility.
Your selflessness is awe-inspiring, and you deserve to be praised for it.
” Since meeting her, I have thought that she is different.
Finding out all of this has just proved it.
She is capable of giving so much more than the average person, because she seems to love with no bounds.
How lucky someone is to be loved by her.
“Well, now you know.” She shrugs and stands up, pacing the room.
There isn’t much space in the small apartment for her to do that, but her distracted path past the couch and TV, to the dining room table shows me that she has done this often.
I watch her, taking in the eclectic space of a loving family who values each other more than things.
Mismatched and crowded, it holds years of memories stacked in the piles of books, hanging pictures, and colorful DIY pieces of furniture and art.
It feels more like a home than anything I have lived in.
She doesn’t speak, and I don’t know if she is waiting for me to or building up to say something. Her fingers are pressed against her lips, and she is looking everywhere. I’m trying to find words to express the whirlwind going through my mind when she stops and looks at me.
“Before you say anything, please know there are no expectations here. I still don’t think I can have a full relationship right now.
I mean, I don’t have time. Even taking the small amount I already have to spend with you resulted in me not being with the kids when they needed me.
And now…” She trails off, shaking her head as if to clear whatever that thought was.
Returning to her previous point, she continues on as if she never said that part.
“Look, I know things are complicated with us, because we clearly aren’t just having sex, but I just want to say there is no pressure and possibly no future because, as you can see, I have a lot on my plate and I don’t know how I can possibly add a man to that. ”
Deflating like the words were all the air in her lungs, she finally comes to sit down. Back to not looking at me, she stares at the floor as if afraid of what she will see. All that is on my face right now is determination.
“The right man will understand that he isn’t your priority.”
A small smile flickers across her lips before she graces me with the full one. That beautiful gap peeking through.
“And let me guess, you’re very understanding?”
My response is my own smile. She laughs when she sees it, before wiping her hands up and down her face.
“If I’m being honest, against my better judgment, I don’t want this to end,” she says. Pointing between us, she makes it clear what she means. “But I also really get if this is too much for you.”
When I decided to pursue her, it was just her.
Continuing on with this plan to woo her into dating me will mean that I’d be signing on to possibly being a part of a family.
It won’t just be her that I will have to consider; it will be all of them.
I have always wanted to belong to someone, and have them be mine in return.
If this progresses to the conclusion of marriage, then I will be something to a lot of people.
I look at her profile and watch all her emotions flicker across her face. Like me, she is unsure, scared, and hopeful. Lost somewhere in the in-between we seem to exist in. This place where we will stay until she is ready. All there is to decide is if I’m willing to stay here with her.
“You’re worth it.” This sums up everything I’m feeling.
Thoughts cascade like an endless waterfall, worries bubbling at the bottom. But none of it compares to the want that surrounds it like a never-ending forest.
Eyes flicking up to meet mine, the slow peel of her lips is reflected there.
She stifles a giggle before turning and crawling her way into my lap.
The lightness of this reaction is in direct opposition to the seriousness of her explanation.
A weight has been lifted, and I hope to help carry it if it ever returns.
For now, I will support her as we move forward, doing what we did before.
Having finally purchased a bar for my apartment, I offer to have Carter come here instead of going somewhere else. Taking advantage of my hosting, he requests his third drink, forcing me to wait on him.
“You know, I don’t think you have ever treated me this well when I have come to your flat.” I place the glass in front of him and ease back onto the couch, crossing my ankles.
He takes a tentative sip before nodding his head in approval.
“That’s because we’re practically family. My house is your house. You can serve yourself.”
“And that same logic doesn’t apply here?”
“No.” The laugh that follows his response reminds me of all of our good days. It makes this place feel like a home. Full of all the joy and ease I want it to have. The escape from our lives. Or it was.
“I saw Lorenzo the other night at a party. He was trying to recruit me to apply for your position when it opens, the smug bastard.” Carter shakes his head.
“He does know you work for your father and are also my best friend?”
“I think that’s the point.”
“Well, I just spent the last few weeks securing a new company in Canada. Adding them to our umbrella will allow a more global reach.”
“Is someone actually doing their job?” He smirks into his cup.
With a wave of my hand, I end the conversation. This is the last thing I need to think about right now, and it’s not the reason I invited him.
“I have something to tell you,” I say.
His eyebrow furrows, the only sign that he is concerned about what is going to come out of my mouth. He doesn’t stop sipping as he waits for me to continue.
“Chanice has kids.”
Liquid flies from his mouth as he chokes on his drink. I fall back laughing at the wide-eyed look he gives me.
“Excuse me?”
“They’re her siblings, but she has custody of them.”
Recovered, he gulps the rest of it down, clearly needing the alcohol. I sip from my own Islay Scotch, trying to ease the sudden anxiety. His opinion matters to me, and I want it to align with my own.
“How is that possible? You said she is twenty-three.” He sits forward and rests his elbows on his knees. Rubbing his chin, he looks to me for the answer.
“It just is.”
“So, what are you going to do?”
I’m surprised that he is even asking the question, assuming he would have already decided what is best. The fact that he is gives me hope that he will understand.
“It changes nothing. I still want her, and she still wants to keep things casual. Only now I understand why.” Gliding my hand through my hair, I push it out of my eyes. It only helps me see the confusion on his face more clearly.
“I don’t get it. Why are you pursuing this when it isn’t even going anywhere? Surely the sex can’t be that good.”
It is, but that is besides the point.
“I like her, and it’s been a long time since I have liked someone in this way.
Every new thing I learn about her only further endears me to her.
She is sexy, funny, and obviously a good person.
She has so many layers, and I’m only starting to peel them back.
” She has a light inside of her that shines so brightly it makes her a beacon.
If I focus on her, maybe I can find a safe place to dock.
“Alex, you have to understand what you are getting yourself into. Do you know how much of a mental breakdown your mother will have if you marry this woman? Are you prepared to put all of you through the turmoil of merging their lives with our world?”
My instant reaction is that I do understand what I would be agreeing to, and that I think we can survive the transition. However, that sounds na?ve even to my ears.
“This is about more than what you want. It’s about what everyone needs in this situation.” He sits back and rubs his hands down his face. The frustration is obvious enough that I have no choice but to acknowledge it.
“I get what you are saying. It’s a big deal to take on a whole family. It won’t just be about us or me. I know the consideration will require a selflessness that you don’t believe I possess. However, I can accommodate my life to include all of theirs if it comes to that.”
As for my mother, only time will tell how that will play out.
She is already on my back because I have only done two dates with Elizabeth.
The second one barely lasted two hours, as I faked a work call to leave early.
It’s October, and we have been seeing each other since August. It’s only a matter of time before I will have to face the music that is my mother’s gnawing lecture about respectable women.
After a moment of silence, Carter stands up and walks over to the bar, finally ready to get himself a drink. Pouring beyond the normal line for sipping, he fills his cup.
“You have certain obligations and expectations. It’s not that I don’t think you can do this. I just don’t understand why you would.”
I try to find the words to explain my logic, but find myself lacking. I don’t know how to tell him that I am drawn to the possibility of what we might become. The kids included, this can be everything I want it to be, full of the type of love so easily displayed on all of their faces.
From the beginning, Chanice hasn’t requested me to be anything but myself, accepting what I show her at face value. I haven’t found that kind of ease since I met Carter.
My worries shake out in my leg as he joins me again. Trying to settle on the right turn of phrase, I let my mouth say the first thing that comes to mind.
“This is a chance for me to have a part of the life I’ve always wanted.
Genuine love and acceptance with no strings attached.
” I have always had to be someone I’m not.
I’m doing it now by playing the role of a dutiful son, eager to take on his family business.
I need someone who won’t expect me to oblige the expectations he speaks of to a fault.
“And you must do this with them?”
“I don’t know, but it’s worth seeing where this goes.”
Resigned, he sits back in his seat. Tapping his fingers against his stomach, he thinks on it all.
“Well, you have always gone against the grain. I don’t know why I’m surprised that it would result in this. I just hope you know what you’re doing.”
Unsure of what I need to be wary of, I’m still ready to face it all. Especially if it means in the end I find the family that has evaded me since childhood.