27. Alex
Alex
The leather seat feels cool against my palm.
It’s the only thing keeping me from heating up, as I remember eating Chanice out in the back of this town car.
If I knew I would be propelled into a flashback every time I rode in it, I would have probably begged her to see me more often.
I wish I got to bring her with me tonight.
Instead, it’s just me and, hopefully, Carter.
Walking into the venue, I quickly realize that someone else intends to join our party.
“Alexander!”
I look to see Elizabeth advancing towards me with the gusto of someone sure the person is excited to see them. It makes me wonder if I hallucinated the last conversation where I ended things.
“Hello, Elizabeth.”
She kisses both of my cheeks and then loops her arm through mine.
“So is this one of your causes?” she asks, turning to look up at me.
“It’s one of the company’s choices this year.”
“How do you feel about it?” Thumbing the pearls around her neck, her apple-red lips lift in the corners a little.
“I’m hoping London does a better job of embracing immigrants. They are one of the best things about the city, and the groundwork for some of our culture. I think the refugee resource center is a great way to help repair our legacy.”
“Hmm.” She turns back to looking around the room.
I have no idea what she means by that, but it sets me on edge. Not understanding how my response wasn’t sufficient, I feel like a child being ignored to be taught a lesson.
“What do you think about it?” I ask despite my urge to just walk away.
“I think it’s a good cause.” She smiles up at me, and it reminds me of my mother. Which just makes me think about my sister and her wife.
As someone who immigrated to this country from South Korea, I know that Mei would have loved to talk about her own experience acclimating, and all the ways we can help others do the same.
She would be at the event tonight if they hadn’t just had a baby.
I don’t know how the company would have mixed.
Clear across the room, I can see Carter by the bar. I go to make my way towards him, saying my goodbye, when Elizabeth starts to pull me in the opposite direction.
“I want you to meet someone.” She brings us into a circle with a few people our age.
I recognize some who I went to school with or have had meetings with over the last few months. The one she is set on introducing me to happens to be new to me.
Apparently, between our last date and now, she has been networking on my behalf, talking up some of the initiatives I mentioned to her while we ate dinner.
Sourcing some possible funding, she thought he could be of service.
Her generous use of her social circle makes me feel like she is trying to prove to me how much of a match we would be.
Like she is trying to get me to change my mind.
“It was nice meeting you,” I say to the man before detangling myself from her and walking away.
“Alexander, let me steal one more moment of your time.”
I follow her to a corner of the room, unsure what she might want now.
“I’m typically not one to cause a scene, but I don’t know if I will see you outside of social events, and I just need to know what I did wrong.”
For once, her eyes aren’t gleaming, and the pull of her lips tugs down on my gut, making me regret ever making that deal with my mum.
“You did nothing wrong. I think you are incredibly clever and beautiful.”
She smiles her first full smile of the evening.
“But we aren’t well matched.”
“I don’t agree.”
Unable to decide if it’s rude to do this here or not, I try to take a step back.
Her arms snake around my neck, pulling my head towards her instead.
As I open my mouth to speak, she presses her lips against mine.
The loud crash that sounds out just as we kiss makes me feel like the world is in agreement about how much of a catastrophe this is.
When I pull back, I realize that it’s much worse than I thought.
Chanice is squatting while trying to pick up scallops. I step towards her, and as if sensing my presence, she looks up. Eyes widening, she quickly abandons her efforts and runs back through some doors. I follow, passing by each person’s confused stare, my hand actively wiping at my mouth.
I don’t know if I think that can erase what just happened, but it makes me feel like I am doing something as I burst into the kitchen.
Everyone stops what they are doing and looks at me.
I can hear them telling me where the bathrooms are, but I am not really listening.
I see Chanice’s retreating form as she goes through yet another door.
I pick up my speed after her and reach her in the hallway.
“Wait, it’s not what you think.”
“I need to clean that up,” she says over her shoulder, while walking farther away from me.
“Please, can we just talk?” I grab her arm, stopping her in place.
She finally turns to look at me. I don’t know what I was expecting to see, but her cold resignation feels worse than her rage would.
“No.”
“Please, I don’t want you to think—”
She puts up a hand, cutting me off. “I don’t get to think anything when it comes to you. That is not what we are doing.”
Gutted, I stumble back. “What are we doing then? What have these last few months been if not more than just fucking?” I know I have no right to feel wronged when she is just stating the truth.
No matter how I have treated her before tonight, she never promised me anything. I used that as an excuse to justify seeing Elizabeth, and this is my consequence.
“If we were doing anything but being casual, you wouldn’t be kissing someone else.” There is still a lack of emotion in her voice, like she is rebuilding that wall between us.
I spent months taking it down brick by brick just to glimpse the things inside her. She is showing me now that I am no longer entitled to that version of her.
“Chanice?”
“It’s fine. This is what I wanted. You didn’t do anything wrong. Now go back to your date because I have to clean that up.” She crosses her arms and looks at me dead on, waiting for me to walk away. Expecting me to give up.
“I did do something wrong, because that’s not what I want.
I want you, all of you, everything that comes along with you.
I have been trying to show you that since Day One, and I don’t want you to think that kiss makes any of that untrue.
” I unravel her hold, forcing her hands into mine.
“You’re right, technically I didn’t owe you anything, but we are so past technicalities.
I don’t care if you give me the title. I am yours, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. ”
She lowers her eyes and pulls her hands back from my grip. She is too strong to show me, but I can see I have hurt her by the way her shoulders curve.
“This is too complicated. The lines are too blurred.” She shakes her head, her curly bun unraveling a little.
“What does that mean?”
“Chanice?”
We both turn to see who called her name. A woman with her hands on her hips is standing there, giving us both a stern look.
“Sorry, Elise, I’m coming.” Chanice pushes past me, not looking back.
I stand just watching where she was, even as I hear the door close behind them.
When I come back in the ballroom, I can’t find Elizabeth or Chanice. I am at a loss of what to do when I feel someone pulling me towards the door. Carter has a tight hold on my arm, his eyes focused on our path.
The fresh air hitting my face wakes me up from my daze, and it’s like all of my emotions hit me at once. I slump down on the steps outside the building and drop my head into my hands. Pressing my palms against my eyes, I try to keep my breathing even.
“Was that the girl?” I can hear Carter pacing in front of me, so I look up.
“Yes.”
“You didn’t tell me she was Black, too.”
I sigh, running my hands through my hair. “Don’t start,” I say, already feeling like I am sitting at the bottom of a well.
“You don’t know what it’s like to be in these circles when you aren’t white. Especially being a part of an interracial relationship. My mother’s life was hell, and she came from money.”
“That was before.”
He stops moving and comes to stand directly in front of me. “You’re talking from a place of privilege right now.” His eyes are stern. Mouth set in a firm line.
I apologize, knowing that I shouldn’t have said it. “It doesn’t matter anyway. She doesn’t want me like that. Especially after tonight.”
He finally sits next to me and places a hand on my shoulder. I throw my head back and look up at the starry sky, searching for a semblance of ease.
“I’m sorry. I saw that you were devastated when you walked back in. I should’ve focused on that.”
Is that what this feeling is? This gut-churning, heart-racing panic? I feel like I lost my ability to breathe properly, and the rest of me is slowly deteriorating from the lack of oxygen.
“I don’t know what to do. I fucked up. I told myself that I was going to show her that I am the man for her, and I have done the opposite. How is she supposed to trust me now?”
“It’s not all you have done. For months, I have watched you go after this woman with reckless regard for anything else.
Yes, you shouldn’t have been going on dates with Elizabeth if you were trying to prove to her that you are loyal.
But you didn’t cheat. You didn’t break her trust. You just showed her that she isn’t the only one. ”
“But she is the only one. And I do feel like I cheated.” I stand up, needing to move. He watches me in silence before joining me on the sidewalk.
“I need to go back in there. I’ve already caused a scene.”
“No, you need to go home. With the way you look, you’re only going to create more of a scandal. Plus, Chanice doesn’t get the choice to go home, and seeing you will just make her night so much worse.”
He’s right. No one will benefit from me staying here. I run my hands through my hair again, pulling at the strands. Carter comes to stand next to me and pats me on the back. With one last look, he turns to go in.
Just as my car pulls up, Elizabeth calls my name. I can’t believe I was going to leave without saying anything to her.
“I guess I know now why you aren’t interested.” She stops right in front of me, her head held high. I don’t know what to say to that, so I just keep looking at her.
“I liked you because you are different, but maybe that’s why this would never work.” She smiles, and it’s got a tinge of sadness to it, making me wish so much more that I never did this.
I want to say sorry for my role in all of this, but she doesn’t give me the chance before turning and walking away.
Feeling like a complete asshole, I go home.