36. Alex
Alex
Christmas lights twinkle, illuminating all the decorations of red and green bulbs.
Bows and garland hang on the large branches, alongside stringed popcorn.
The star at the top sparkles, cascading light throughout the room.
Holiday music playing in the background and the soon-to-be full house makes this year’s festivities extra special.
Theo is delighted by the sight, his bright eyes refusing to look away. I hold him close to my chest and watch as he celebrates his first Christmas.
Liv walks over to me and steals her baby. His eyes dart around, trying to get back to looking at the tree.
“When are they going to be here?” she asks.
We decided to have dinner at my place, since I have the biggest dining room table. I have been aching to see Chanice and the kids since I left last night.
“The car picked them up, and they’re on their way.”
Satisfied with that answer, she goes to feed Theo.
Just as she starts to go down the stairs, the elevator opens. Each one of the Joneses is carrying a tray of food, and it looks like Chanice made more than she was supposed to.
“What’s all this?”
“I may have gotten carried away,” she says while placing her load on the island.
Once her hands are free, she pulls me into a hug. All the smells that are now wafting through the space have my stomach rumbling, causing her to laugh.
“Is this for us?” Gabby asks as she reaches the presents.
“No,” Chanice says just as I say, “Yes.”
She looks at me, and I shrug. “You said I couldn’t spoil you, but you didn’t say anything about them.”
She tries to hide her delight, but her eyes light up and her lips fight to stay in a straight line. Turning to look at the mass amount of gifts, she flicks her hand, encouraging them to go look.
Jamal can’t stop himself from running over and looking for his name. Imani slowly walks, like she is above it all, but when she sees the first big box, she tears into it.
“You should have seen what he got Theo, and the baby can’t even sit up on his own,” Mei says while walking over.
They hug before going to watch the kids open everything.
Gabby screams with each doll she unwraps, holding them to her chest like they might disappear. She is most excited about the kid-friendly book on finances I got her. Jamal seems confused by all the envelopes in his name until he opens them and sees they are experiences.
“I really get to go in and feed the penguins!” he yells, while looking over at me.
I nod, and he runs over to show Chanice the other marine experiences he gets to do. She looks so excited for him. I don’t know who is happier.
The gasp that Imani lets out when she sees her sewing machine is almost missed over the noise of the room.
They delight in each new gift they open, and I feel my heart expand a little more. Especially when each one of them comes over and gives me a hug. To my surprise, they have something for me too. Since it’s the first gift from my new family, it already feels special.
It means so much more, though, when I open it and pull out a stuffed rhino. I rub my chest and bite my lower lip as I stare at it. Then my eyes instantly go to Chanice, who blows me a kiss.
I look up at the sky, as if I can see my grandfather and wonder if he’s proud of me for what I have. Part of me knows that this is all he wanted for me, and that’s the final push I need to finally start to shift my life. I know what I want, and I just have to make it happen.
“Thank you,” I say to them, all and hold it tight against me. I don’t want to let it go, even as we get ready for dinner.
Chanice tells me it was a bad idea to let them open their gifts first, as we try to wrangle them to the table. Reluctant and slow, they walk up to the island like they would rather be anywhere else.
Mei pulls the lids off the trays, and steam billows up over all of the food.
I look around at the holiday classics of mince pies and stuffing, and then the new-to-me stuff like macaroni pie, roasted spring vegetables, japchae, a beef stir-fry, and kimchi dumplings.
The showstopper in the center of it all is the chipotle maple glazed turkey.
I have to use two plates to be able to try everything, and I’m not the only one. Everyone’s hands are full of overloaded dishes as they make their way to the table. We all say a quick thank you before digging in.
Just to see if she is right, I try the turkey first and am delighted when juices squeeze into my mouth with every bite. The spicy-sweetness with the pull-apart texture of the meat is incredible. I tear into it more, combining it with the cranberry sauce and gravy.
We’re all practically silent during the meal, our mouths too busy devouring to make conversation. It’s not until people start groaning from full stomachs that we meander to the couches and settle in.
“Imani is going to apply for the London School of Fashion in January. We won’t hear back until after March, but we’re excited,” Chanice says.
I look over to Imani to see her blushing.
“She’ll get in,” Jamal says, leaning on his sister. “But I’m definitely going to Australia for college.”
“Why Australia?” Gabby asks.
“The Great Barrier Reef, obviously,” he says, and then picks up his eggnog. Liv tells him about how she moved away for university, too, and that seems to excite him.
Soon, everyone is gushing about the future, and I look over at Chanice to see her staring off.
“You should go back to school,” I say.
This catches her attention, and she turns to look at me. “One day. I still have the other two to worry about, and I’m sort of already living out my dream. All I wanted was to cook in a professional kitchen, and I’m doing that.”
“What else do you want?”
Her eyes dance around the room. “This. I just want this. Dreams don’t always have to be grand to be worth wishing for. I have them, I have you, and I get to breathe. All the other stuff can come later. I’m happy.”
She squeezes down further, and I wrap my arms around her.
“I’m happy, too,” I say.
“Is this what you want?” she asks.
Before I can answer, the elevator opens. All at once, we turn to see my mother standing there. Her mouth is hanging open, disdain visible in her eyes as she drops the gifts in her hands. Before she can say anything, Liv and I are up and rushing over to her.
“Are you serious?” our mother asks, her voice shrill and loud.
Grabbing her arm, I lead her back into the elevator and hit the ground floor. More concerned with getting her away from them than her outrage at being manhandled, I ignore her until the doors open again.
“How dare you!” she yells, yanking herself free.
I look over at the doorman, George, and apologize with my eyes. He tilts his hat and goes back to staring at the entrance.
“Mother, please just listen,” Liv says, grabbing for her hand.
“Listen to you explain why you chose those people over me?”
I rub my hands up and down my face, trying to wipe away my growing frustration.
The joy from the whole evening seems to be seeping out of my muscles, causing them to tense.
I’m looking at the floor, hoping to gather myself as I hear them go back and forth.
The whole time, I try to understand why I’m standing here doing this at all.
I can walk away from her. I don’t ever have to experience another moment ruined by her presence.
She is the only parent I have left, but she doesn’t love me the way I deserve to be loved.
Sitting upstairs are people who do, and one of them—Chanice— held me and promised me that I didn’t have to stay in this place with my family.
I’ve given so much of myself to all of them to make up for the sin of wanting something different. I’ve bent over and twisted myself to fit the mold of the perfect son. And in return, I’ve been given nothing. No love, no acceptance, no understanding. No moment big enough to justify this life.
All I’ve ever wanted is them, and I’ve accepted any version they have given me. It’s not enough. It’s never been enough, and I’m finally ready to have more.
“Alexander!” my mother screams, forcing me to look up.
“Just go,” I breathe out, a resolution settling in my gut.
“Maybe she can calm down and stay,” Liv says, causing me to look at her.
“No.” I won’t break eye contact with my sister, trying to make it clear that this ends today. My promise to her ends today.
Tears start to build in Liv’s eyes, and she is looking at me to make it better. But I can’t. I have been trying to make up for the fact that they don’t accept her for years, and I can’t do it. All I’m doing is making myself miserable.
“No, she will not stay and ruin my family’s Christmas. No, I don’t want to have this conversation, and no, Olivia, I can’t fix this.” I grab her hands in mine and hold them tight. “I’m sorry, but I can’t fix this.”
I’ve been trying to do everything I can to give her what she deserves, but the truth is, she deserves better than our parents.
She deserves the woman who loves her upstairs, and the family we are building.
She deserves to be free of this constant barrage of toxicity.
I deserve it too, and I can’t keep forgetting that for her sake.
I won’t subject Chanice to my mother to make Liv happy.
“I’m sorry,” I say again, because I am. Because there is nothing else that can be done.
She looks down.
“I’m your family,” our mother says, as if she did anything more than birth us.
I turn to her and point my finger in her direction. “You are the reason for most of my unhappy moments. You are every whispered doubt and second-guessed decision. You are the fear that trickles into every moment of joy. ”
She grabs her chest, and I hear Liv let out a sob.
“I love you. I will always love you, for some very stupid, uncontrollable reason, but from today on, you are only the woman who brought me into this world and tried to make every minute of it miserable. You are not the family I deserve, and I don’t want you in my life.”
Now they are both crying, and I clench my hands trying to fight the urge to just give in. If I just backed down now, both of them would be happier. They would get what they want.
My anger starts to wane, my resolve folding with each tear-soaked second. That pressure is pushing me down again.
When I’m about to crumble under their needs, someone touches my shoulder.
Chanice steps in front of me, a smiling mirage in my emotional dessert. I let out the breath that was trapped in my chest and unclench my hands to grab onto hers.
“This is your fault,” my mother yells while pointing at Chanice.
“I hope so,” Chanice says while pulling me with her.
I fight it at first, this escape, this chance to walk away. Something feels so wrong about leaving them there to deal with it without me. But when I reach out a hand to Liv and she doesn’t take it, I know I have done everything I can.
“It’s okay,” Chanice whispers as she leads me back into the elevator.
“It doesn’t feel like it is.”
Pulling me into her arms, she rests her head on my chest.
“It will feel like it is one day, and you’ll be so happy for this moment.”
The doors shut on my sister and mother, and soon I can’t even hear them crying. Even as I battle with the guilt, a part of me feels relieved.
As soon as we are back in my place, the kids run up and hug me, surrounding me with their love. I hug them back and fight to keep the tears in.
This is what I needed. This is what’s good for me. I will give my mother up ten times over to make sure that I get to have this. I grasp them even tighter, so grateful that they are here.
I don’t know how long we stay that way, but when they do let go, they walk with me and sit close on the couch. Chanice has one hand, and Gabby has the other.
“Our mum sucks, too,” Jamal says, holding my hand. “But you have us now.”
They all join him in nodding, and I start to feel the tears well up inside me.
“Thank you,” I whisper, too overcome to speak louder.
“Who wants dessert?” Chanice asks, standing.
We all follow her, and that’s when I realize Mei and Theo aren’t here anymore. I let out a sigh, so tired for them and the battle they will have to fight to get my sister to walk away. I know I’ll help, but I will never stay there with her again. Not when I can be here with them.
I look at each of their faces, memorizing the details. Committing them and this moment to my memory. It’s the first day in my life where I get to choose, and I choose to be with people who choose me back. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.