Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Vesper
Vesper wasn’t sure what time she startled awake.
Her surroundings were still mostly black; they had moved out of the tunnel, and faint moonlight filtered into the cabin.
The trolley was still moving. A different noise had woken her.
It took her a second to locate what it was, then it happened again.
A soft cry came from the bed. Quiet pleas broke through the trolley stillness.
Bellamy whimpered, and Vesper almost didn’t catch it, but she could have sworn Bel had called out her name.
It didn’t sound good either. Soft calls of “no” and “please not her” filled the air. Since when did Bellamy have nightmares?
Vesper reached around the bed until she found Bellamy’s ankle. She shook it, prepared for Bellamy to yell at her. Instead, she got a stifled sob and weak sniffles when Bellamy jolted out of her grasp.
“Bel?” Vesper’s voice was thick with sleep. “You okay?” Her sleep-addled brain was too slow to stop the words. She was still too thrown off by what Bellamy had uttered before sleep dragged them under. Still thinking about Bellamy’s lips on hers, even in the deep dredges of sleep.
“Yeah,” Bellamy said and sniffed. Her voice was so quiet, so small and broken. Nothing like she had been hours earlier.
Once again, before she could stop herself, that stupid fucking softness crawled back into Vesper’s gut. She climbed over the bench and pulled Bellamy into her, wiping the tears from her cheeks. Bellamy tucked into Vesper and clutched her tight like she would vanish if she let go.
“It’s okay,” Vesper soothed. She wrapped her arms around Bellamy protectively, holding her until Bel stopped sniffling and her grip loosened, sleep taking Bellamy under.
Vesper should leave. She should untangle herself from this mess and roll off the bed back onto her bench.
Shit, Vesper shouldn’t have climbed up here at all.
The more she woke up, the more she regretted her actions.
Sleep wouldn’t come easily to her, especially as she sat with the knowledge that her first instinct upon waking was to protect Bellamy.
An instinct she thought she’d killed years ago.
She hadn’t even been thinking of anything but those soft cries.
They still rang in her ears. Fuck, Vesper hadn’t even had time to remember that she hated Bellamy.
She couldn’t convince herself that the only reason she’d comforted Bel was because she wouldn’t shut the fuck up and it was ruining Vesper’s sleep.
What had been so awful that Bellamy was crying out in her sleep and seeking safety in Vesper’s arms? Since when did she have nightmares?
Vesper couldn’t hate Bellamy when she was like this. She still had Bel in a protective hold, and she was powerless to let go, to move away like she knew she should. She hated that Bel had asked Vesper not to hate her, hated that she was fucking falling for it.
The tiniest piece of the defenses she’d built up around her heart over all the years had just snapped out of place.
Vesper decided to blame the fucking trolley. It was the longest they’d been stuck together, unable to escape, since Bellamy had ruined everything. It was the first time Vesper had held her while they slept like this since Bellamy had moved out.
Bel had been more bold, taking more than she should, making their touches feel intimate and soft, caring. It was her fucking fault for starting the shit. If she’d never broken them up… Vesper cut off that line of thinking. Bellamy had broken them up. And this, right here, was fucking meaningless.
Despite it all, Vesper couldn’t lie to herself in that moment. Holding Bel like that, keeping her safe... It fucking hurt.