39. 38 #2
Davian’s voice was devoid of all emotion. “Yes, it is. I should have known. It might not be my crime, but I bear their deaths on my shoulders nonetheless. I have to save them.”
I turned to Davian, and the look in his eyes was so lost and so sad I couldn’t bear it. “Camriel lost everything because of this. He lost his god, too. You can’t lose that. You need Samiscus.”
Davian blew out a sigh, and I could tell this wasn’t a new argument to him. “I intend to go to him. Ask for guidance.”
I shook my head. “I can’t lose you, too.”
Davian wetted his lower lip, and his brow drew close in thought. “Gods can be cruel. But they rarely lie. If Ragnifort promised Camriel the sacrifices would return alive and whole, then I believe he meant it.”
“He’s not a God anymore,” I protested. “He can’t promise anything. He could lie.”
Davian nodded. It was a pacifying nod, not one of agreement. Even if I was right, he was willing to do it anyway.
My vision blackened at the edges, and my back hit into the tree. “We need more time.”
Davian stepped towards me then, and held my hands in his. His hands were so warm compared to mine. A flickering image, then, of him as a corpse. Jusia’s body on the slab. Cold and empty. I inhaled shakily, trying not to faint.
“I’m not an active chosen of Knessus anymore,” Davian said, rubbing my hands with his, mine together as if in prayer.
“We don’t know if it’ll work. Camriel must have thought it would, or he wouldn’t have used me.
But he was desperate.” He stopped rubbing my hands.
“I won’t do anything until I know it’ll work. ”
I couldn’t nod, or speak. I could only let the words wash over me. I was still too exhausted, too shocked, to contemplate tears. Crying made it feel final.
“If Samiscus will abandon me for ending it, then that is another matter, too,” Davian said, into my silence.
“What about me?” I asked. My voice was weak and the question was even weaker. I ducked my head. “Sorry.”
“Annie,” Davian said. It was always my favourite word out of his mouth, and now it felt like a goodbye. “Look at me.”
When I was strong enough, and the world had slowed its spin, I lifted my chin.
His silver eyes bore down on me, his thumbs still rubbing my hands. “I haven't decided anything yet.”
Ekris’ mark felt hot at my back as his statement fell. It was supposed to be a god-given gift. The ability to sense ill-will and treachery; protection for his beloved chosen.
But when my mark told me that Davian’s words were a lie, the knowledge was nothing more than a tolling bell.
I followed him down to the altar and helped him light each and every candle in the room. I ignored the watchful carving of Samiscus as I lit the final beeswax candle with a lump in my throat.
Davian rolled out the small carpet at his god’s feet.
I wasn’t exactly sure why I had come down with him.
I supposed I had hoped he would reconsider.
When he had walked straight towards the door to the altar, I should have left.
But I didn’t. Something compelled me to assist him, even as he debated sacrificing himself.
But now he was lowering himself to his knees to ask the God of Death permission to end his own life, and I didn’t think I could stay any longer. I touched my hand to the cold stone wall, and turned to leave.
Then a voice, unlike any I had ever heard before, spoke into my mind.
Davian. Annie.
It was much deeper than Ekris, but it reverberated inside me just the same.
I whipped my head to Davian as he turned to me just as fast.
His eyes were wide. “Did you—”
“I heard it.”
We both stared at each other, and then looked up to the paternal figure overlooking us both.
I know the question in your mind.
“I’m sorry,” Davian muttered. “I have been warring with it.”
It was so strange, to hear another god in my mind, that I could barely process the actual words. I shouldn’t be hearing this. Only devotees can hear the voice of their gods.
He spoke again, rumbling and low. The decision is yours to make. I will support both of you.
What? He would support it? But he stripped Camriel of his mark for his involvement.
Davian stared up from his kneeled position. “What of—”
Camriel was different. He killed innocents without any certainty he would complete his mission. He was driven by grief he wouldn’t let me help with. He caused pain not for some greater good, but for himself.
The reprimand in his tone was clear enough, but he was not venomous. For some reason, I expected a god of his nature to be more angry.
He killed many people to recover the one he wanted to revive. I cannot support his decision to harm so many innocents. If you agreed to allow yourself to die, it would be another matter.
“Would it work?” Davian asked. “My Wisdom mark is dead.”
I do not know.
Davian was silent.
I hated this. Samiscus’ disapproval of his plan was one of the only things standing in Davian’s way.
The only thing keeping him breathing. If Samiscus didn’t care, what chance did I have?
Only, he must care. He must have some reason for permitting this.
I thought back to my own meeting with my god, or my former god.
Samiscus had addressed me by name, surely I could reply. “Do you want Ragnifort to return?”
Yes, daughter of Ekris.
“Why?”
I am the God of Death. I welcome our worshippers into the Garden. Since we cast out Ragnifort, those numbers have risen. We are losing this war with Vale Gallus. I greet too many soldiers.
The lump came back to my throat. The blue flame of Ragnifort was the one thing that got the fires hot enough to make tungsten arrowheads, and armour plates. “You want the forge back.”
I want to see less of my people die. Now, one death separates us from that. One more innocent.
I shook my head, and finally, despite my exhaustion, tears prickled at the back of my eyes. “How could you let another of your devotees die?”
Davian is in extreme pain.
I looked at the back of my lover’s head, and he did not look back at me. I knew his pain, his grief. I knew Samiscus helped as much as he could, and he was still barely making it through the days. But this couldn’t be the solution.
If he lives, his grief may consume him. What if it is his mother that is lost next? They might all come back. They might not. But if he passes across, and he is brought back, he won’t be alone. Seera and Fella will be back, too.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair at all.
How was he allowed to suggest that killing Davian might be the only way to save his soul? To use his mother. He wasn’t wrong. He wasn’t wrong, but that didn’t mean I hated it any less.
Why did it have to be all the good people, all the people I loved, that needed to go away?
What if they never came back? Even Samiscus didn’t seem sure it would work. They might all be gone forever. I couldn’t live with that. I wouldn’t.
But then I realised Davian was already there. He had already reached that point. He couldn’t live with all the deaths as it was. This was too much for him. If someone from Wisdom died, even if it wasn’t his mother, and no one returned, would he be able to live with that choice?
It was already killing him.
Knowing him, being with him, had brought me to life. I had told him that. He had told me that I was his life. But in truth, maybe I was all that was left of it.
In the time it had taken for all those thoughts to pierce me like a thousand needles, Davian had turned to look at me.
He was crying. The expression on his face was far too readable.
My chest tightened, and my lip wobbled. I fell to my knees, my hand sliding against the cold wall.
It was only then, I realised the other part. The sickeningly stupidly obvious part that should have occurred to me ages ago. Camriel’s words from his Oath. He had tried to carve himself, and he had failed.
My other hand tightened in my skirts.
“Davian.” I shook my head. “I can’t do it.”
He nodded. “We don’t have to decide now.”
I couldn’t believe how much had changed in mere hours. But this wasn’t new for him. He must have been thinking about this for weeks. Maybe even when he was down in that cursed basement in this same building.
He should have told me, I thought. Then again, maybe I should have known.
I blinked through the tears. This wasn’t some old wound for me. This was a gouging. “I know you want to sacrifice yourself. I know. But you can’t force me to be a part of it.”
Davian nodded. “I wouldn’t.”
It wasn’t fair. I couldn’t help the repetitive thought from rolling in my head. We were supposed to be chosen. Protected. Loved by the damned gods. And now, it was the one thing that might kill everyone I had started to love.
How was that allowed? How had any of this come to pass? Were we anything more than cattle to these gods?
I forced myself to my feet as Davian’s face swam amongst the tears that crowded my vision. “I won’t have it. Wisdom has left you. This is madness!”
Davian pushed himself to his feet, but I was already leaving.
I ran from the room as he called after me.
“Annie!”