Chapter Twenty-Five
TALLY
T he horses’ hooves clopped on the streets as Dylan and I made our way around town on our Christmas lights tour. It was a perfectly clear night, and with stars shining above and no clouds in the sky, the air was extra chilly. Thankfully, the driver had cozy blankets in the carriage for us to use, and Dylan put his arm around me and tucked me into his side, so his body heat warmed me up quite nicely.
“I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas already,” I said. “This year went by so fast.”
“Yeah, it did. Are you excited for Christmas with your family?”
“I am. It’s always been such a fun holiday since there are so many of us, and it’s even crazier with all my nieces and nephews running around.”
“That sounds like a lot of fun. I can’t believe Nolan has two kids. ”
“They’re so cute. His son is like his little mini-me.”
“And did you say he also has a daughter?”
I nodded. “Kendra and Kamden.”
“Your family sure has a thing for sticking with the same letters for kids’ names.”
One of the horses whinnied then, and we laughed.
“You never told me what your Christmas plans are,” I said. “Are you going to Florida for Christmas with your parents?”
“Not this year.”
“Who are you spending Christmas with then?”
He pointed to himself, and I gasped.
“You can’t spend Christmas alone.”
“I’ll be at my church for the annual Christmas Eve candlelight service, and then I’m hanging out with some friends on Christmas day in the afternoon. So I won’t be alone.”
“I’m glad. Nobody should be alone on Christmas.” Part of me thought about inviting him over to my family Christmas, but I was relieved he said he’d be with friends. It was way too early for that, especially since I was unsure about my feelings for him.
“Speaking of the candlelight service, would you like to go along?” he asked.
“Thanks for asking, but I already have plans with my best friends.”
“No problem.”
“What church do you go to?” I asked.
“Abbottsville Bible.”
“You do? I have friends who go there—the Sweets—and the family I work for goes there too.”
“I know.”
His response surprised me. “You do? ”
“Yeah. I know Jake. He’s a good guy.”
Something suddenly felt off.
“If not for him, we probably wouldn’t have met,” Dylan said.
“What do you mean?”
“He’s the one who asked me to come to The Sawmill that night.”
My stomach dropped. “He did what?”
“To help with your social anxiety issues.”
My mouth fell open.
“I wasn’t sure if you were really into me that night, but then Jake told me you seemed to like me and said I should call you last weekend.”
I was speechless from the shock.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, but does it really matter how we met? We’re here now, and I have a great time with you. Oh, look at that one.” He pointed to a house with an amazing light display. “That’s my favorite one so far.”
I barely saw the Christmas lights, and Dylan didn’t seem to notice I was still stuck on the part where Jake had something to do with my meeting and dating him. I felt played and more than a little naive, which made my stomach churn uncomfortably.
“I wonder how much time it took the owners to put all those lights up,” he said.
He kept talking about the work that goes into these displays, but my mind was whirling from this new information.
“When did Jake tell you to call me?” I asked.
“Last weekend.”
“I mean, when? That night? ”
“The morning after we met, before I asked you to go snowmobiling. Why?”
“Just wondered.”
“I’m glad he did.” Dylan brushed his fingers across my cheek and leaned in.
This time, I didn’t turn my head, but when his lips met mine, I wasn’t surprised to feel nothing. Not even a glimmer of a spark or the tiniest flutter in my stomach. Nada. And when I didn’t do much to reciprocate the kiss, he pulled away, grinned, and went back to looking at the lights.
The whole night felt wrong now, and all I wanted was to get home and give Jake a piece of my mind.
When the carriage ride came to an end, Dylan helped me out, and we walked to his car.
“What are you hungry for? Remember, you pick the restaurant this time.”
“Uh, I’m not feeling very well all of a sudden. Maybe it was the motion of the carriage or something. I’d kind of like to go home if that’s okay.”
“Of course.” He ushered me to the passenger side and opened the door for me.
“I’m sorry for cutting our night short,” I said when he had buckled in.
“Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well.”
“Thank you for understanding.”
“There’s always next weekend,” he said with a smile.
He drove me home and hugged me by the car. He didn’t try to kiss me again, and I was grateful for that because I knew after tonight I didn’t feel what I should for Dylan, and he needed to know. But that was a conversation for another day when I’d had time to process and figure out what I wanted to say to him. Right now, I had someone else I needed to talk to.
I didn’t bother going to the guest house, and when I entered the main house by the front door, I wasn’t quiet about it. I wanted my presence known.
“You’re home early,” Jake said when I walked into the kitchen, where he and his friends were playing a game at the table.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Oh. Sure.” He set his cards down. “I’ll be right back, guys.”
He followed me through the foyer and into his dark office and flipped on his desk lamp.
“You planted Dylan at the bar?”
He looked taken aback.
“Why would you do that?” My voice wasn’t quiet, and he reached over and closed the door behind us.
“I knew he was a decent guy, and I didn’t want you to end up talking with some random loser. I wanted it to be a good experience for you.”
“And then you what, thought you needed to tell Dylan to call and ask me out?”
“I thought you needed a nudge.”
“The morning after we kissed? I guess that was perfect timing, right?”
“I was trying to help.”
“That’s what you keep saying. But trying to help who?”
“You.” His eyes locked with mine.
I was frustrated and flustered, and I needed to stop and think before I said things I couldn’t take back .
“I don’t know what you’re playing at here, but it’s not fair.”
His brow furrowed. “I’m not playing at anything. It’s not a game to me.”
“It’s not a game to me either. It’s my life. If you want me to meet someone, you have to actually let me go out and learn to talk to them myself. You can’t plant some guy for me who you’ve vetted ahead of time.”
“How is that any different than me setting you up with someone?”
“Because it was a lie.”
“I just put him in a place where I thought you could meet and talk more naturally.”
“And I thought I was meeting someone neither of us knew.”
His head dropped forward, and he rubbed a hand over his five o’clock shadow as he looked up at me.
“I’m sorry, Natalia. This is all really confusing and complicated.”
“It doesn’t have to be.” I stepped closer, but he immediately tensed at my nearness, so I didn’t make another move. “I guess you’ll be happy to know your plan worked. Dylan’s a great guy. He kissed me tonight. You got what you wanted.”
His jawline twitched. “You think this is what I wanted?” He stepped closer to me this time until I could feel his warm breath against my skin. “I don’t like thinking about you with someone else. It makes me crazy every time you leave with Dylan.”
“But you basically set us up.”
“I know.” He rubbed his hand over his cheek again. “I wish things could be different, but my life is not my own. I’m not just a single man, I’m a dad, and I have to put my girls first. Can’t you understand that?”
“I do understand that. But what I don’t understand is why I would be such a problem in your lives.”
He stepped closer and took my face in his hands, and my stomach flipped. My heart beat as fast as the horses’ hooves on the road earlier.
“What if we did this? Dated. And what if it didn’t work out? I can’t risk that happening and ripping another person from the girls’ lives.”
I closed my eyes. I understood what he was saying. “But what if it’s amazing,” I whispered as I opened my eyes and stared into his. “What if you’re the one meant to come into my life when I least expected it?”
He leaned his forehead against mine, and I was filled with glimmers of hope.
“It can’t be me, Natalia.”
I stepped back, tears threatening to fall.
He reached out to touch my cheek, but I flinched away.
“Please don’t cry,” he said softly.
“You’re making a mistake,” I told him.
His eyes met mine, and my heart ached in my chest. I couldn’t stand there any longer, so I quickly walked out the front door and headed straight for the guest house. I longed for him to follow me, and tell me I was right about everything, and take me in his arms, but I knew he wouldn’t. There was nothing I could say to change his mind. He was set on this decision. He’d made that perfectly clear by telling Dylan to ask me out after the moment we shared in the kitchen .
I went inside and threw myself down on the couch, burying my face in the throw pillow, which was soon damp from my tears. Maybe I would’ve been better off never knowing what it felt like to love someone. Because I was pretty sure that’s what I was feeling, and it was not what I hoped first love would be like.
Dylan texted in the morning to ask how I was feeling. He was so sweet and considerate. If only I felt more for him.
When I told him I was better—even though I felt worse—he invited me out next week for New Year’s Eve.
I politely declined, told him it was nice getting to know him, and informed him I couldn’t go out with him anymore because I had feelings for someone else. It probably wasn’t very tactful, doing it over text, but I knew I couldn’t get the words out if I called.
“I’m disappointed, but I appreciate your honesty,” he replied.
My remorse over hurting such a sweet guy stayed with me and added to the sadness that already hung over me because of Jake, but it was Christmas Eve day, and I needed to snap out of it and enjoy the holiday.
Ellie and Cooper were in town for Christmas. The four of us girls were meeting up for the first time all together in months, and despite feeling let down by them lately, I was looking forward to it. Hopefully, I’d get an opportunity to share what had been going on with me too .
When I walked into Jimmy’s, I expected to find one or two of the girls waiting at a table. Instead, both Penny and Ellie were there with their significant others, and a wave of disappointment crashed over me. I liked Lucas and Cooper just fine, but that’s not what this day was supposed to be about. It was meant to be just us girls.
“Tally!” Ellie jumped up from her chair and rushed at me, giving me a tight hug. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.” I managed a weak smile and followed her to the table, taking the empty seat next to her.
Everyone greeted me when I joined them, but I felt out of place. They were obviously already in the middle of a conversation about Cooper’s music, and they continued talking about that, so I just sat there. I couldn’t share about my private life with the guys there. They were in their little happy pairs, lost in each other’s eyes. Jessa was late, as usual. So, I was the odd woman out, and I hated every second of it.
I loved my friends like family, but they were so wrapped up in their relationships they didn’t even seem to notice I was there.
Vonda came over to the table to take my order. Apparently, they’d all ordered before I arrived. I just ordered tea.
I texted Jessa to ask if she’d be there soon.
She texted back that she was in a mood and might not make it. Just one more disappointment to add to the list.
Vonda brought over my tea and their food, and they dug in.
“I wonder where Jessa is,” Ellie commented .
“She’s probably not coming,” I replied.
“Why not?”
I shrugged and bounced the tea bag in my mug.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Peachy.” I didn’t try to mask the sarcasm in my reply.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I glanced at Lucas, then Cooper, and back at Ellie. “Nope.”
Ellie’s expression softened as she understood what I was really saying.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.
I wanted to tell her this wasn’t what we’d talked about, that this was supposed to be a girls’ day, that I missed seeing her all the time and hated that everything was changing. Instead, I gave her another weak smile and sipped my tea.
“What are you guys doing tonight?” Penny asked.
“We’re going to my parents’ house,” Cooper replied, “and Christmas with Grandma June and Ethan tomorrow.”
“That’s what we’re doing too,” Lucas said. “My parents’ tonight for family Christmas so we can go to Penny’s parents’ on Christmas Day.”
I was annoyed. Neither of the girls had mentioned that. Only that we’d be having a girls’ day today.
“How about you, Tally?” Penny asked.
I set my half-finished tea cup on the table, dropped cash beside it to cover my bill, and stood.
“I actually have to go.”
“But you just got here,” Penny said.
“I hope you all have a Merry Christmas.” I turned on my heel and walked out .
“Tally,” my friends called after me, but I kept walking. If Jessa had been there, I was sure she would’ve called them out on bringing the guys, but I wasn’t one to rock the boat. I didn’t like to stir things up. Whenever someone hurt me, I acted like I was fine.
But today, I wasn’t fine. And these past few weeks, when I needed my friends the most, they’d totally let me down.
Why did everything have to change? Why couldn’t our friendship remain the same forever. It was one of the most important things in my life. Something I knew I could count on. But at this moment, I felt as if I’d lost that too.