Chapter Seventeen Savannah
Chapter Seventeen
Savannah
How could he say that to me and then walk away? Again?
“There’s nothing here for you. Except a man who’d burn this whole town down before he’d let anyone else have you.”
“What the fuck?” I kick a rock with such force that it nearly crashes into my windshield.
“Whoa,” Tyler says, walking down the back steps. “You okay there?”
I slowly turn, squaring my shoulders. “I would say that I am absolutely not okay right now. But I will be.”
Feels like I’ve said that plenty of times to myself in the past. Déjà fucking vu.
His eyebrows knit together. “Is there something going on between you guys or . . . ?”
“No, no,” I say quickly. “I was just surprised about the well-line repair. It turned out to be a lot more costly than I originally thought.” I shrug. “I guess I need to start thinking differently now that I’m a ranch owner.”
“You’re a smart woman, Savannah. And gritty as hell for taking the bull by the horns and rebuilding this place.
You’re going to have surprises, sure, but just remember .
. . the way you deal with them is what defines you as a kick-ass rancher.
Problems will always come up. Not everyone will be able to handle them with the kind of care and attention that you do. ”
I force a smile. “Thanks. I really needed to hear that.”
He walks toward me. “Don’t thank me. I’m just speaking the truth.”
“I really appreciate your encouragement. I just . . .” I pause and look around at the livestock surrounding the troughs. Troughs that are full now because of Blaze. Not because of me.
My heart clenches. “I figured it would be hard, but I didn’t anticipate this level of . . . the equipment problems, the bills, the repairs needed . . .” I press my fingertips to the sides of my temples. “It’s so much, and I feel like a fail—”
Tyler holds up a hand. “Nope. Don’t say it. Don’t even let yourself think it. All of this is in your mind, Savannah. If you believe in yourself the way I do, you’ll soar. Trust me. Mindset is so much of this.”
He places his hands on my shoulders and stares deep into my eyes.
I wait for my pulse to throttle, my skin to prickle, my belly to flip. Maybe I was just flustered last night, too focused on what I let happen with Blaze to really, fully embrace the moment with Tyler.
But none of that happens. It just feels . . . well, like a friend trying to talk me off a ledge. A smart, handsome, funny friend, but a friend all the same.
The safe choice. The one who will encourage me and empower me and tell me all of the things I’m doing right and well.
The one I should choose.
Unfortunately for me, I crave the darkness, danger, and utter chaos of the unhinged, brooding cowboy.
The one I never stopped wanting, as evidenced by that kiss last night.
Tyler laces his fingers with mine and walks me back into the kitchen. “Come on, let me make you some tea or something. You need to relax. What do you say?”
“I’d love to relax with you, but there are a few things I need to handle right now.” I give his arm a squeeze. “But I really appreciate your help and encouragement. It means so much to me.”
A grin stretches across his lips. “You’ve got this, Savannah. I know you’ll come up with a great plan for this place. I’m here if you ever need a sounding board.”
I smile. “Thank you.”
He winks at me. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
I walk him to the front door and wave, shutting the door once he gets into his truck. Covering my face with my hands, I lean back against the door.
“What is wrong with me?” I groan. “He’s perfect and interested. But my damn heart still wants what it can’t have. And if I can’t get this place up and running, it won’t even matter because I’ll have to leave.”
But if I leave Whiskey Creek, I’ll leave Blaze too.
And I don’t believe he really wants that, especially after last night.
I felt something behind that kiss, and I know he did too.
I guess the question is, Do I want to put my heart on the line for a second time and run the risk of it being sliced in two?
I stomp my foot on the floor, the sound echoing in the empty foyer.
Why can’t I just break free of his grasp, once and for all?
“I have to forget about Blaze,” I say, grabbing my laptop from the coffee table in the living room and heading back to the kitchen.
I always work better sitting in semiuncomfortable chairs.
Too tempting to recline and let my eyes close if I’m on the sofa.
And if I dream, I know exactly who the star will be.
Blowing out a breath, I continue with my self-administered therapy session.
“Seeing him and kissing him has made all kinds of inconvenient teenaged fantasies bubble up again, but those feelings aren’t real.
I’m just grieving and trying to fit back into a place that I was estranged from for so long.
That’s why I’m so drawn to him. He’s familiar. ”
I settle into one of the kitchen chairs, flip open the laptop, and stare at the screen.
All the self-help talk in the world isn’t going to free my heart of the man who broke it.
Gritting my teeth, I sit up straight against the back of the chair and do some calculations around leasing the land for cattle grazing so I can get back to those prospects. I list out our monthly expenses and make guesstimations about how they might increase with additional cattle.
But the numbers swim in front of my eyes.
“Dammit.” I slam down the lid of the laptop. Falling forward onto my elbows, I let out a deep sigh. “I need to think about the future.”
But that’s only my mind talking.
Everything else in me screams to forget the future, to just think about right now, as if the past didn’t happen. As if it didn’t break me into so many scattered pieces I swore I’d never be able to reassemble myself.
The legs of the heavy wooden chair scrape against the floor, and I stand up. My heart beats like a drum, blood rushing between my ears, drowning out the protests that loop through my mind. I fill a Tupperware container with the fresh scones, grab my keys, and run out the front door.
I can’t leave things like this, so painfully unresolved. Going to him is reckless and stupid, and I’m sure if I had friends, they’d smack me upside the head before letting me do this, but his words keep roaring in my ears. I have to know what they meant, why he’d even say them.
When I pull into the entrance of the Hartman ranch, my heart jumps into my throat. Blaze’s truck is parked off to the side, near the barn. I unwrap my fingers from the steering wheel I clutched so tight on the way over and grab the plastic container.
A few short, sharp gasps and a quickie pep talk later, I step out of the car on legs as shaky as a baby calf’s.
Jesus, everything is sweating right now.
My teeth chatter even though the air is warm on my skin.
A horse neighs in the distance, and Blaze’s voice floats into the air.
I take a few tentative steps toward the barn, his voice getting louder as I approach.
This is crazy, this is crazy, this is—
“I know you miss Mom. I do too. But I still have you, right?”
I stand by the barn entrance, watching him outside Starlight’s stall. Then he does something that stops my breath. He leans his head forward, his forehead grazing hers. His eyes drift closed. It’s intimate and peaceful as he breathes with Starlight.
He always used to do that with the other horses when they’d get anxious. He said it calmed them down. My chest aches as I watch him.
That is the guy I fell in love with. So close but so damn far away at the same time.
I shouldn’t be here right now. This is private. There’s no place for me, and I—
I turn away quickly, and in my haste to get away before he sees me, I trip over a bucket in my path and collapse against the side wall with a loud whoof.
His head whips around, eyes widening when he sees me. “Savannah, you shouldn’t be here.”
Steadying myself, I tuck my hair behind my ear and walk toward him. “You can’t say things like that and then just leave.”
He turns his back on me and goes back to brushing Starlight. “Yeah, well, I did.”
“You really haven’t changed, have you?” I say, storming over to him. Fury bubbles in my chest at his dismissal of me. “The second things get real, you pull away. Grow up, Blaze.”
He drops the brush, his eyes fiery and wild as he backs me against the stall post. “If not changing means I’m still trying to protect you, then yeah, I’m the same fucking guy.”
“I never asked for your protection,” I yell. Starlight neighs and gives me a disapproving look. “Sorry,” I say to her in a softer voice, stroking her back. “But it had to be said.”
Blaze’s lips part like he wants to say something, but then they snap back together.
“What? Please tell me what big, bad dangers are lurking out there, Blaze. Please tell me why you can’t ever let me in, why you won’t ever level with me?”
His jaw tenses as he rakes a hand through his dark hair. “I can’t help it,” he finally says. “You’re out here, on your own, trying to spin shit into gold with Red Rock, and I just . . . I don’t want anyone to take advantage of that.”
I raise an eyebrow and fold my arms over my head. “Like Tyler.”
His lips twist. “Yeah, like him. And the other thugs from the bar. Anyone who fucking comes close to you.”
I sway in closer, my voice dropping, my pulse making my words wobble. “It’s not up to you to decide who gets close to me and who doesn’t.”
“The fuck it isn’t.” He closes the distance between us, his body practically caging me in against the wall. The air between us thick and heavy.
“It’s not your choice.”
“Is that what you came here to tell me?”
I stare up into his caramel-colored eyes, losing my train of thought as I’m captured by those golden pools. The longer I look, the more I risk drowning with no hope for a lifeline.
“Yes . . .” My head falls back against the wall as he dips his head.
“Good. Now go before I do something we both regret.”
A gasp knots in my throat. Then anger floods my insides. I slam the plastic container on the floor at his feet. “Here you go, asshole. I hope you choke on them.”
I turn on my boot heel, but it gets stuck in a groove.
Shit, not again.
I pitch forward, a yelp catching in my throat. Before I hit the ground, Blaze loops an arm around my waist and hauls me back against the wall.
“I hate you,” I breathe even as my fingers curl around his shirt.
“I know.” His hand slides into my hair, gripping it tight. “But you still want me.”
“Fuck you.”
“Say it like you mean it,” he growls.
I shove him hard, and he lets me. But when I try to twist away, he catches me in his arms and pulls me close.
“You don’t get to do this,” I say, my voice shaking.
“I know,” he says, staring down at me. “I don’t deserve you. I never did. But fuck, Savannah—”
And before he can say another word, he crushes his lips against mine. His demanding hands are everywhere, sliding over my hips, grasping my ass, fisting my hair. They’re not gentle or tentative like they were when we were both kids trying to figure things out.
He knows exactly what he wants, and he’s taking it.
Then I’m suddenly in his arms. I wrap my legs around his waist as he hugs me tight to his chest. He devours me with a voracity that makes my panties melt, his tongue hot and hungry, coiling with mine.
He kisses me like he’s trying to erase every day we spent apart.
We claw at each other with a latent desperation that years apart haven’t done a bit to quell.
And I kiss him back just as hard. Not because I forgive him, but because my body remembers his even if my heart is trying to forget.
His erection is thick, pressing against me. I drag my fingers through his hair, breathless and euphoric. Then he pulls away, my lips immediately feeling the loss of him.
He slowly lowers my body to the ground. We stare at each other, wordless and panting, the knowledge that we just crossed a very dangerous line for the second time flaring bright.
“This can’t happen,” he says gruffly, taking a few steps away from me.
And yet it did. Twice.
Heat creeps into my cheeks. What the hell did we just do?
Exactly what you wanted to do, Savvie. Isn’t this why you came?
Dammit, voice. Shut the hell up!
I came because I needed to know what I meant to him. But past experience has shown that words and actions don’t usually sync up where Blaze is concerned. He says one thing, then does another, the king of mixed signals.
But realistically, I know this can’t go anywhere. It won’t. He’s already proven it.
So that’s it. We gave in to our pent-up desires. One last time. It won’t happen again, just like he said.
“I-I’m going to leave. Now.”
I tear my gaze away from him and dart to my car, my brain still lust-fogged after whatever the hell that was. Once I’m in the car, I bring my fingers to my lips, still swollen from his oral assault, his taste still lingering on my tongue.
And I know damn well that won’t be our last time.
My head falls forward onto the steering wheel, and I whisper, “My God, I’m so screwed.”