34. This Ain’t A Cattle Farm, But There Sure Is Beef
THIRTY-FOUR
this ain’t a cattle farm, but there sure is beef
Wesley
Sunday comes to pass on the farm without incident.
Jasper and I work parallel tasks and I can tell he’s got something to say, but he works in tense silence.
By Monday afternoon, I decide one of us needs to speak up.
Especially when I stop to text Dahlia and Jasper starts throwing shit around in the barn—not hard to see the connection.
“Spit it out, Jasper. You clearly have something to say.” I toss the hay bale I’m holding into the corner and face him.
Jasper turns to me, arms crossed with a cynical smile on his face. “Nothing, Wes. Right? That’s what this is to you. The property, this family. It means nothing to you. This place could go up in flames and you’d be okay with it. Why the fuck do you even care?”
“Where is this coming from? What the fuck are you on about?” I’m yelling at him now, because his insinuation I don’t care, hit a raw nerve.
“I’m just waiting for you to say it. Tell us all you’re leaving. That’s what you want, right? You gonna shack up in the city with Dahlia while this place falls to ruin?”
Shot after shot, I tense with each word.
“Dude. I’m here working, same as you. I take a few days off here and there to spend time with Dahlia, fucking sue me.
I’m allowed to have a life outside of this place.
You should try it sometime, might help get the giant stick out of your ass.
” I huff a humorless laugh. “And you know Dahlia is working on the grant proposal to get us funding. Is that not enough for you to stop being a dick to her?”
“You think I want some fucking handout from your girlfriend? And money with strings attached? Be real.”
I shake my head. “You're a selfish fuck and if you’d rather see this place lost than let someone else help, you’re dumber than I thought.”
Through this argument, we moved closer as we each strike in purposeful, pointed jabs.
Jasper is bowing up to me now and I’m waiting for him to throw a punch, but I know it won’t solve a goddamn thing.
“Selfish fuck.” He nods. “Got it. Let your little girlfriend take over this place. You two run it together. You clearly don’t need me anymore.
You can do it all on your own. Move on with your life, follow your dreams. Never had to give a shit about anything but yourself.
Why start now?” He turns on his heel and I hear him kick over a metal bucket outside before swearing.
I’m left standing in the barn, mad at myself, mad at Jasper, and hurt over this situation. I shouldn’t have said what I said—a fact becoming more and more clear as time passes.
“Fuck!” I yell, immediately regretting it, because the horses don’t take too kindly to loud noises and now I’m being a dick everyone.
I decide to take Lucy for a ride, hoping it will bring me some semblance of peace—I’m so keyed up right now.
She knickers at me as I approach her stall, and I instantly feel the ease coming in.
For whatever reason, horses are healing.
Being around them has always been something to bring me back down, especially when I first moved here.
Lucy came to Big Al’s a little while after I did, and while I knew nothing about horses or farm life, I came home from school every day to sit with her. I sat in this stall—sometimes in silence, sometimes I complained, sometimes I cried. I started taking my sketch pad and drawing in there too.
One day Jasper peered over the stall at me.
Even at sixteen, Jasper was stoic, silent, steady.
He didn’t push me to talk then. So he sat there with me day in and day out.
When the day came I decided to open the flood gates, letting my anger and grief pour out, he sat there and listened too.
I let out years of hurt and at the end, he gave me a rare hug and told me to come to him anytime.
I promised him I would and here we are fucking fighting over his home and the place I know means more to him than anything.
Lucy is taking a leisurely pace as we round the trail leading us back to the stables.
I breathe deeply as the property comes back into view through the tree break.
This place represents so much to me—most of it bad—but I respect Jas and I see it very differently.
I decide we both need time to cool off and head to my cabin after settling Lucy back in her stall.
A loud banging on my door around seven has me lumbering to see who’s coming around here, since it could only be one of a few people. I’m surprised to see Amber alone on my porch. I open the door and she pushes in past me.
“What happened with you and Jasper? He’s pissier than normal and I’m over it.
” Crossing my living room, she curls up on the corner of the couch, much like she did when we were younger.
It makes me smile to see her like this. I don’t often get these glimpses of who she was, it’s like Dale drained the life from her.
She was always so nice to me, right from the first day.
“Wes! You’re living with us now? Are you going to want to play dolls with me? I don’t have any boy dolls, because you guys are gross. Sorry.” She laughs and nudges me with her shoulder. “Are you okay? You seem sad. I hope we can be friends. I’m happy you’re here.”
Amber would talk a mile a minute back then. She was hell-bent on being my best friend and I wanted to live on an island away from all human life. At eleven, I don’t think she really understood what happened and I feel bad I wasn’t nicer.
“Who says I pissed him off? Maybe he’s just being Jasper.” I shrug, knowing full well I’m the reason he’s angry.
“You know what”—she slaps her forehead—“I forgot his other cousin Wes! When he came stomping through Mom’s front door grumbling about ‘fuckin’ Wes, doin’ whatever he goddamn wants all the time.’ He must have meant him, silly me.” She pins me with a glare. “Fess up.”
Again, I’m glad to see this side of Amber back.
Not thrilled to have her full force directed at me, though.
“Amber. You know how he gets. There’s no reasoning with him right now.
He’s mad because I’m trying something new to help the farm.
He doesn’t give a fuck about helping. He’s too stuck in his ways. ”
“He doesn’t give a fuck? He sure talks a lot for someone who doesn’t give a fuck. This place means everything to Jasper, arguably to a fault. Why do you think he’s so hurt by your attention being elsewhere?” She has a point, I know she does. Doesn’t mean I want to hear it.
“Then what do I do? I feel like he hates me these days, like nothing I do is right. He cares so much, but he seems miserable.”
“Tends to happen when you feel like the entire world is on your shoulders. After Dad’s injury, things changed. I love you, Wes, we all do, but sometimes it feels like you have one foot here and one foot out the door, ready to run. Can you blame Jasper for being wary of where your heart’s at?”
“I get it, but this could be good for us. If we could lighten the financial burden of the horses, maybe we could balance out the loss of the orchard income, for now. As much as I resent this place at times, I don’t want to see it gone.
I don’t. I don’t know how to follow my heart without leaving it all behind.
You understand. I know you do,” I point out.
I don’t need to specify what, or who, I mean, especially as I see her frown deepen.
“That’s not the fuckin’ same and you know it.
Don’t put your shit on me. All I’m saying is you and Jasper could stand to get on the same page.
For all our sake. I know making your home here wasn’t your choice all those years ago, but you have a choice now—a choice to move forward.
I think you’d be a fool to stay in the past any longer.
” I start to interrupt and she cuts me off.
“Don’t. I see you. Even when you hide it.
It’s okay to be angry, but he’s not around anymore.
Holding onto this anger at your dad is like you drinking poison, hoping he’ll die.
He’s long gone and maybe it’s time this pain went too. ”
She moves to stand and I follow her to the door. “When the hell did you get so wise?”
“Motherhood will do that to ya. I’m always here for you, anytime. We all are. Family forever.”
She punches me in the arm and grabs me for a hug. I whisper into her hair, “I love you, Amber. Thank you for the reality check. Think I can convince you to talk to me and Jasper more? Open up a bit?”
“Not a chance in hell. Bye, buddy.”