Chapter Thirteen
It was nearly eight o’clock Sunday morning when Carson was finally able to race back home but as he took the turn off, his heart dropped. Abby’s car was gone.
The sound of dogs barking had woken him up around four this morning.
He was still getting into his jeans when he’d heard the sound of moving cattle close by and he’d known that either the gate to the pen hadn’t been securely latched or some other wild animal, like a mule deer, had broken the wires when jumping over the fence.
He hadn’t wanted to wake up Abby, she was sleeping so soundly, so he’d texted her, asking her to please wait for him to return before she left. Obviously, she’d ignored his plea.
Without getting out, he turned around and drove to his brother’s house. He had to pick up George. Maybe, just maybe, Abby was with June.
Her car wasn’t parked in front of the house, though. Quickly, he got out. Maybe she’d parked in the back, maybe …
The front door opened and June stepped out, Daisy and George at her heels. With a yelp, George rushed forward, skidding down the steps in his haste to get to him.
He picked up the dog. “At least you’re happy to see me,” he muttered.
“So Abby has left?” asked June as she walked closer.
He nodded. “I texted her and asked her to wait for me before she left, but she …” Shrugging, he sighed.
“Have you asked her about her dream house?” June asked.
Frowning, he nodded. What a strange question right now. “I did. All she said was that she loves a wide porch.”
Frowning, June stared at him. “I wonder why she didn’t want to tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“I’m not going to tell you. Are you coming to my book launch in Seattle?”
“I’ve thought about it, thinking it would be a good time to see Abby, but now I’m not so sure she even wants to.”
“Have you told her how you feel about her?” June asked.
Stroking George’s head, he shook his head. “I have no idea what this craziness inside me is. I love being with her, she makes everything better, you know? But how do I know what I feel isn’t going to change tomorrow or next week or next month?”
“Unfortunately, that is something you have to figure out yourself. I can’t help you with that. Ask yourself what life would look like without Abby in it.”
As Carson drove back to his house minutes later, June’s words replayed over and over in his mind. What would life look like without Abby?
As he parked in front of his house, George barked excitedly, and when Carson opened his door, the puppy just about flew out of the truck and raced toward the front door.
“She’s not here, buddy. It’s just you and me.”
George wasn’t listening though and when Carson unlocked the door, he rushed inside with a yelp and sniffing, ran in the direction of the bedroom.
Sighing, Carson, closed the door behind him. It was a different house than the one he’d brought Abby to the first time. There were no unwashed dishes or laundry lying around. The kitchen was tidy, everything put away in those fancy boxes she’d bought and put in every closet and kitchen cabinet.
The living room was also tidy, not one thing out of place. On the coffee table was still a vase with the last of the wildflowers of the season she’d picked the other day.
He found George on the bed in the bedroom, lying on the pillow Abby had used, looking forlorn. Stroking his head, he had to swallow a few times before he could talk. “I miss her, too, George.”
She’d put fresh sheets on the bed and tidied the room. When he opened the doors of his closet, he saw that all his laundry was neatly folded and put away.
Dropping his head, he tried to inhale, but the tight band that had formed around his chest, made it difficult. There was still a whiff of her scent in the room.
His phoned pinged. It was a text from Abby.
I couldn’t say goodbye. Thank you for everything.
She’d ended off her text with a blue heart. Why blue? What the hell did that even mean?
Opening a search engine, he asked what a blue heart represents. Within seconds he had his answer.
The blue heart emoji can have different meanings depending on the context. It is commonly associated with loyalty, trust, and friendship. It can also represent calmness and tranquility.
Friendship? Calmness? Tranquility? Damn it to hell!
There was nothing calm or tranquil about their lovemaking last night.
And hell, now he was a friend? They’d made love all night long.
All. Night. Long. Passionately, desperately and she’d been with him every step of the way.
He’d never had anyone respond to him like she did.
They were so tuned in to one another’s need, words weren’t necessary and she sent him a freaking blue heart?
Fed up, he stormed out. “Come on, George!” he called. “We’re going to breakfast.”
This craziness was going to end right this minute. It was time to move on. She’d left. Sent him blue heart. He got the message.
*
It was nearly eight o’clock in the evening by the time Abby opened the door of her tiny apartment.
She was cold and hungry and tired and where her heart was supposed to be, was only a huge emptiness she was afraid would never fill up again.
All she wanted to do was pull a blanket over her head and cry ugly tears.
She’d learned a long time ago though, that crying didn’t fix anything. Her face got red and swollen, she’d be left with puffy eyes and a headache, but it didn’t make her feel any better or change anything.
It had been a long, tiring day as she’d driven dry-eyed for about fourteen hours all the way from Livingston to Seattle. She’d stopped for gas along the way, but had made a point of not doing it in Spokane.
It was difficult and her heart had broken into little pieces as she’d left The Weston Ranch, but the bottom line was even though Carson’s home looked exactly like her dream house, it wasn’t hers.
Her life was back in Seattle where she was living according to the plan she’d carefully drawn up for her life a long time ago.
The reason she was miserable right now was exactly because she’d deviated from her plan, she’d colored outside the lines and now look at her. She was a sniveling mess with a broken heart.
Squaring her shoulders, she put down her luggage and taking out her phone, she ordered something to eat online, as well as a few things she’d need tomorrow morning. Only then did she walk to her bedroom to unpack her bag.
It was a pretty room. She’d planned and saved until she was able to buy the exact color curtains and bedding she wanted. It took a while before she could afford a new bed to replace the secondhand one she had, but now the room was everything she’d ever wanted in her own bedroom.
Standing in the doorway, she sighed before she entered.
She’d always loved her bedroom. Only tonight it looked empty because Carson and George weren’t in it.
It would probably take a few days for her to get back into her usual routine, but in a few weeks’ time she’d have forgotten all about the color of the fall leaves on the ranch, the way the sun hit the snow on the mountain peaks just before it set.
Her phone rang. Her heart lurched, but it was June, not Carson.
“I’ve just arrived home,” Abby answered.
“You left without saying goodbye to Carson,” June scolded.
“I texted him.”
“And left a blue heart. He’s found out what it means.”
Abby frowned. “It wasn’t supposed to mean anything. I just couldn’t send a red heart.”
“Why not?”
“I’ve only known him for a few days, June. It’d be crazy to think there’s anything serious between us. Besides, I don’t know how he feels about me.”
“So instead of asking him, you send him a blue heart? According to Carson it means calmness and tranquility and friendship.”
“Well, that’s all true.” Sighing, Abby rubbed her face. “It’s better this way.”
“Better for whom?” June said, clearly not happy with what Abby had done. “Carson is a wreck. Oh, he’s trying to hide it like men of course do, but he’s really hurt, Abs.”
“The whole thing is ridiculous!” Abby cried out. “Everything happened way too fast. I barely know him. Whatever was between us, was a temporary thing, we both knew it from the start.”
“Are you sure about that? Do you want to tell me you feel nothing for Carson?”
“I—” Abby’s throat clogged up with tears and swallowing, she dropped her head backward. Sometimes that helped. “Let me phone you tomorrow, okay? I can’t talk right now.”
“Fine, so don’t talk, but listen. I know you, Abs, and I’ve seen you with Carson over the last few days.
Your whole face lights up when you see him, and his eyes are never far from you.
You’ve fallen for him and if I’m not mistaken, he has feelings for you, too, but you’re both too stubborn, too scared, too something, but Abby, don’t throw this away because you’re hell-bent on sticking to your freaking life plan. Seriously.”
“It’s because I haven’t stuck to the plan that I … that I …” Stunned, she sagged down on the nearest chair. If she wasn’t mistaken, she’d lost her heart to the big cowboy.
“What?” June was relentless. “You love him, don’t you?”
“How would I even know what love is, June?”
“You know, Abs, deep down, you know. That is the reason why you chose to flee rather than say goodbye to Carson. I remember you telling me that loving someone, even romantically, is also about caring about each other, looking out for each other. And from what I’ve seen, you have discovered how earth-shattering a mere kiss can actually be, haven’t you? ”
Abby couldn’t answer.
“Okay, I won’t pester you anymore. But remember your own words, Abs.
You know how difficult it was for me to listen to my heart.
You and I grew up thinking we don’t deserve love, never expecting anyone would ever want to stay with us forever.
But it can happen, it has happened to me.
Think about it, okay? I already miss you and I’m looking forward to seeing you in two weeks’ time. ”
“Miss you too,” was all Abby managed before she ended the call.
Her phone bleeped. The food had arrived. At least she could do something about her hunger pains. Her heartache was a whole different story.
Love? Was that the craziness inside her, the deep ache because she knew she wasn’t going to see Carson again? Was love this deep yearning to be with Carson, to touch him, to kiss him, to make love to him? Was love the reason she was feeling so lost? Because if it was, it really, really sucked.
Maybe once she’d eaten, she wouldn’t feel so empty.
*
Days blended into nights, back into days again.
Carson got up, tidied his house, fed George, got in his truck or on his horse and worked.
He volunteered for all the work nobody else wanted to do, worked himself until he was bone tired before he went home.
The weaning season was winding down and breeding season didn’t start until the beginning of next year, but he made sure he found something to do to keep him busy.
Even though he’d lost his appetite, he regularly went to the big homestead for meals. If he skipped one meal, everyone would be on his case. While eating, he kept his eyes on his plate, though, making sure not to meet Willow’s or Cooper’s eyes.
At night, he worked on his photographs. In the dark room with the door closed, he could imagine Abby waiting for him in the room while he concentrated on the pictures he’d taken of her.
Abby playing with George. Abby sitting on the bed, brushing her hair.
Abby in organizing mood, clipboard in hand, pen in hand, a frown between her eyes.
Abby lying on his bed in just her red bra, her hair spread out over his pillow.
He’d blown up one picture of Abby and framed it. She was in his shirt, her hair a little mussed, her eyes darkened. To him, she’d never been more beautiful. He still hadn’t put it up, though. It was leaning against a wall, facing away from him. He was struggling to fall asleep at night as it was.
The Friday after Abby left, June ran after him as he was leaving after breakfast.
Swallowing a groan, he turned to face her, George at his heels.
“You’re losing weight,” June said.
He shrugged. “Not hungry.”
“You also haven’t said a word all week.”
“Don’t feel like talking.”
“You miss Abby.”
He shrugged. “I’ll get over it. That all?” He turned to leave.
“Are you coming to Seattle with us next weekend?”
He shook his head. “I’ve bought one of your books, been to the launch here in Marietta, don’t see the point.”
“And you’ve stopped talking in full sentences, I gather,” she said wryly. “Why didn’t you tell her how you feel about her?”
“She’s a city girl. Not everyone is happy on a ranch.”
“Did she look unhappy to you while she was here?”
“She couldn’t wait to leave.”
Hands on hips, June glared at him. “Urgh, you’re so damn stubborn.
I’ve seen the way you treat her, Carson.
You have no idea how special it is for us foster kids to be regarded that way.
And that’s why I know you feel something for her.
Go to Seattle, look at the scrap books she’s made about her dream house before you tell me she’s a city girl.
” Turning on her heel, she marched back to the house.
Why was June going on about Abby’s dream house? And why hadn’t she given him a straight answer when he’d asked?
As he drove away from Hayden’s house, his mind was, like always, filled with Abby. What kind of home would she like? She was happy on the ranch, happy in his home. Could it be he was wrong and she wasn’t quite the city girl he’d thought?
Grimacing, he stepped on the gas. Abby had left, there wasn’t anything else to say about it.