1. The Shit Who Floats #3
“Oh, it’s nothing.” I deliver another humble shrug, relieved and amazed that they’re buying it.
I’m even more impressed by how easily the B.S.
spills out of me. Almost too easy. It’s something I need to explore in therapy as soon as I land this job so I can afford therapy.
“I beta-test new programs all the time. It’s not out of the ordinary. ”
“The ASSET is quite new to us,” Nisha says. “As you know, Rylan is just getting around to implementing it in our internal framework. How does it work exactly?”
I suck in air through my teeth, hesitating. “It’s hard to explain in layman’s terms,” I say, fluttering a hand in the air apologetically.
I have no clue how the ASSET works. All I know is that it’s some fancy new program that every corporation wants, but from what I’ve gathered, no one really knows what it does.
I only included it in my application because the job title stated an ‘advance’ to ‘expert’ level knowledge of the ASSET preferred.
As this was what Rylan Industries wanted, I copy/pasted it into my CV and their algorithmic filters picked up on the keywords.
Rest assured that I absolutely intend to learn the ASSET after I get the job. How hard could it be?
In the meantime, I do what I do best: confidently make stuff up.
Leaning back in my chair, I steeple my fingers and level everyone with a steely, no-nonsense stare. “One doesn’t work with the ASSET, one works the ASSET, if you know what I mean.”
My interviewers blink.
“I think I do,” Todd says. “I know exactly what you mean.”
“As do I,” says Nisha. “Or at least I think I do.”
Scott eyes his superiors, his expression the picture of bafflement.
He has no idea what I just said. Heck, I don’t even fully comprehend the words that just came out of my mouth.
The words sound good. I delivered my nonsense confidently.
Scott follows the leader and regards me, impressed, “You’re the second applicant who knows anything about the ASSET.
I was afraid we’ll have to hire the other guy. ”
Other guy? What other guy? Crap! I have competition. And a qualified applicant at that. “A fellow ASSET specialist?” I acknowledge with a generous smile. “He must be wonderful!”
My interviewers exchange a three-way eye roll.
Todd scratches the crown of his bald head, disrupting the three hairs clinging onto his scalp. “I wouldn’t call him ‘wonderful,’” he mutters. “But he certainly sounded like an ASSET expert.”
Nisha scoffs and turns to Todd. “He was patronizing, wouldn’t you agree?”
Todd reaches for his coffee. “Tell me about it.”
“See?” Nisha gestures at me. “Carina is also an ASSET expert, but she doesn’t feel the need to bombard us with pompous technical jargon.”
My eyes widen, fake ‘shock mode’ activated. “Is that what he did?”
“For twenty-minutes,” Scott says, “I timed him. It was non-stop; the most boring twenty minutes of my life. I wished I could’ve muted him.” He turns to Nisha. “He was pretty full of himself, wasn’t he?”
Nisha catches my eye and shakes her head. “Such a jerk.”
“I thought nerds were supposed to be nice,” Scott says. “But this guy… he was just asking for me to dunk him in the toilet.”
“Rude guy,” Todd declares. “Bad attitude. Did you two get the feeling he was trying to test us?”
Scott frowns in memory. “Like he was trying to make us feel stupid. We’re not stupid. We’re just not part of the data team.”
“Wow,” I say, listening to their back and forth. “I guess he really made a poor first impression. Poor guy. Nerves happen to the best of us. I’m sure he didn’t mean to be rude.”
“You see,” Todd gestures at me. “You’re an ASSET expert yet you don’t go around rubbing technical knowledge in our faces. That other guy was a real jerk.”
“Please... “I wave off his compliment with an embarrassed shrug of my shoulder. “I’m sure he’s the better candidate. I just don’t feel the need to speak of the ASSET more than I have to.”
Nisha shakes her head in disbelief. “Your humility is exactly what our company needs. The other guy was ‘Me Me Me’ while you try to speak well of your own competition.”
“Please.” I’m actually embarrassed now. “Please stop.”
“You’re not only an ASSET expert,” Todd interjects, “you are the asset.”
It was the most dad of dad jokes, but Nisha humors Todd by patting him on the back. I wonder how long he’s been waiting to use that line.
“That guy... Ugh.” Scott grunts in disapproval. “He’s not a team player. Unlike you, Carina. And you know what he said when we mentioned ‘synergy?’”
I open my mouth to answer. Todd answers for me.
“He scoffed at ‘synergy,’” Todd says, as if the very idea is a crime punishable by death.
“He doesn’t believe in ‘synergy.’ Whereas you, Carina,” he nods at the others with a note of finality that says ‘We have to have her. Make her an offer she can’t refuse.
’ “We know where you stand on that matter...”
“What can I say?” I lace my fingers together, confident I had the job in the bag. “I’m the very spirit of synergy.”