4. Imposter Syndrome
Imposter Syndrome
“Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you...”
Carrying a three-tier chocolate cake blazing with twenty-two candles, I lead the birthday brigade to Paulina’s cubicle, which I personally decked out in party streamers and balloons.
It took all morning. I could’ve had Regina do it, but I wanted to handle the surprise party personally.
Over my week at Rylan Industries, I’ve developed an endearing fondness for Paulina and my team.
They’ve done so much to assist me in my new post. I also feel terrible about intimidating them with my resting bitch face and lightly gaslighting them into shouldering the burden of my responsibilities.
The ‘lightly gaslighting’ part came from a corporate leadership seminar I attended at my last job.
The techniques in ‘disciple’ were effective at whipping my underlings into shape, but grinds at your soul and makes you feel downright villainous when you see them cower and scurry at your take-no-shit command.
They’re already so high-strung. I would feel terrible if I were the one responsible for their workplace trauma later in life.
So after terrorizing them for a week, the least I could do is reward them for their hard work and loyalty.
And treat them I have:
As Director of Analytics, ASSET division, I’ve been busier than a one-legged woman in an ass-kicking contest.
I’ve more than atoned for my toxic girlboss behavior by treating the entire team to three-hour long hive minds at my favorite restaurants around L.A. (charged to my expense account, of course).
Some might say it’s an indulgence to drive from Santa Monica to downtown just for Korean BBQ, especially when you risk rush hour traffic, but I believe it’s an integral part of the mentor/mentee bonding experience.
Plus, my team is the picture of efficiency, always armed with their laptops and phones, and can do their work from the car as I hum along in the driver’s seat.
Some people hate L.A. traffic. I don’t mind sitting in traffic for hours at a time.
It keeps my reflexes sharp and gives me time to ponder the big-picture goals I have for our company, the pressing nature of my work with the ASSET, etc.
Naturally, because I’m the driver, I leave my laptop at the office.
Driving in L.A. requires my full attention.
The only time I mess with my work phone is to change my Spotify playlist.
Suffice to say, any more ASSET-related thoughts will have to be put on the back burner as I chauffeur my team around the city.
In fact, it’s occurred to me that I have to expel work from my mind while driving.
For safety reasons, you understand. I almost sideswiped another car the other day because I was thinking too hard about the ASSET.
Work is hazardous to my life and my team’s lives, so it’s my duty, as their leader, to not think about work so I can approach work with a clearer mind.
I need to write this down in case I’m ever invited to do a TED Talk: the best way to work is to avoid thinking about work while at work.
That’s a good one. I should trademark it.
Above all, I must practice what I preach:
Like right now, I owe it to Paulina not to think about the ASSET. It’s her birthday and I need to make sure that she’s the asset.
“Make a wish,” I command, fluttering over her.
Paulina blows out the candles, her eyes misty from the smoke. “Director, this is too much. You shouldn’t have.”
“Yes, I should,” I say. “You’re an integral member of the Rylan family. Synergy!”
“Synergy.” She blows her nose in a party napkin. Moved by her tears, Luke, Ramin, and Lilly (also on the verge of tears) creep closer, and we fold each other into a group hug.
My team is a highly sensitive bunch, in tune with their feelings.
They cry when afraid, cry when moved, cry with stressed.
There isn’t anything they wouldn’t cry over.
I go through a lot of tissues. A week ago we were strangers, but after thousands of dollars of company lunches and approximately twenty-three hours navigating the congested arteries of downtown’s one-way streets, we’ve successfully synergized. In fact, it makes me want to cry too.
Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Regina reaching for the knife. “No, no. Let me,” I say, beating her to it and carving out an extra-large slice for the birthday girl.
“I’ll take care of the rest,” my assistant says, watching me dish out the cake for the rest of the office. “I’m sure you have to get back to the ASSET.”
I stiffen at the mention of the ASSET, not so much in terror, but in annoyance. I’ve developed a Pavlov’s dog tick to the ASSET. Any mention of it makes me slightly ill.
“Actually,” I concentrate on hacking up the cake, “I’m ahead.”
“From what I hear, the ASSET is a doozy,” chimes in Kieren from Accounting. “You’re probably working overtime. Nights, weekends.”
“Yup. I’m up to my elbow in the blasted thing,” I nod enthusiastically, handing him his plate. “Sometimes I feel like it’s taken over my life.” I keep my eyes on the cake. “Anyone want the part with the rose?”
“Director!” Suddenly, Luke and Ramin flank me, creating a short man wall. “Did we hear that you’re ahead on your work?”
Ramin steps closer until he’s practically breathing down my neck. “Do you have the preliminary data for us? We’d like to get a jumpstart on your presentation—”
“Do I have the preliminary data?” I scoff. “Um… like yesterday.”
“Can we have it?” Ramin is persistent.
“I’ll give it to you later.”
“When?”
“Later.”
“Yeah, but when?”
“Ramin! Can you stop raining on Paulina’s parade? I’ll have the numbers for you. Just relax.”
Ramin lowers his head. “Sorry, Director.”
“Here,” I hand him the slice with the rose, “have some cake.”
He takes it, but doesn’t seem hungry.
Luke steps up to bat. “If you can, maybe, I mean, if you have time, hand over your results today. We’d like to map this thing out tonight, if possible. Lily is ready to outline your presentation. We’re just waiting on, well,” he takes a deep breath, “on you.”
“Guys…” Forcing a confident smile, I pat Luke on the shoulder.
“The presentation is only a week away. You’ve got plenty of time.
Everything will work itself out. In the meantime, why not have some cake?
” I hand them each a plate and mosey along without an explanation.
I keep my head up and my pace purposeful, darting straight down the line of cubicles. I have somewhere to be.
“That’s the thing,” Ramin follows me, jittery with anxiety, “we only have a week. For a project of this magnitude, we should have drafted the presentation a week ago.”
I quicken my pace. Stop following me!
“Your ‘early bird gets the worm’ work ethic is commendable. I’ll make sure to note it in your mid-year review.
” I change course, trying to find another escape route, but Lilly pops up out of nowhere, her face searching mine for answers.
Each of them alone worries more than the average corporate drone.
When they get together, they’ve synergized into a giant ball of worry.
I love my team, but they pester me with questions about work so much, it’s killing my buzz.
Would it kill them to see the glass as half full?
“We’re accelerating our knowledge on the ASSET,” Lilly says, “but forgive me, Director… it’s a lot to take in. Some of the concepts Ramin finds a bit... complicated.”
“Hey!” Ramin snaps. “I didn’t say I thought it was complicated. You couldn’t figure it out either.”
I force a cavalier smile. “Between the four of you, you’ll figure it out.”
“We were wondering,” says Paulina, who had migrated away from her party to join the team in hassling me about the ASSET, “if you can help us understand the fundamentals of the program.”
“You don’t want to talk about the ASSET on your birthday.”
“Yes, I do!” she nods, her slicked-back ponytail bobbing in beat with her work anxiety. “I’ve been trying to piece it together all week, and I think I’m onto something, but I need to run over the—”
“We’ll talk about it later,” I say, spotting Nisha from HR just as she exits the elevators. “I’ve got an important lunch meeting with Nisha and I have to...” I tap my wrist watch. “I have to run! Happy Birthday!”
“But Director—”
“We have tons of time.” I dash to the elevator and grab Nisha by the arm, hustling her along with me. It’s too late to wait for the elevator. We’ll take the stairs.
“Carina!” Nisha checks over her shoulder. “I was just heading to the party. I was told there would be cake. What are you doing?”
“The cake is gone,” I say. “My direct reports ate it all. Let’s get lunch out instead.”
“Sure. Can we slow down? Why are you in such a hurry?”
“I want to get to the food trucks before they close.”
“They’re open all day.”
“I’m starving!”
Nisha eyes my hurried demeanor with a frown. “Carina, is your team coming too? They look stressed. Is that boy...is he crying?”
Oh, for the love of—
I check over my shoulder. My team has decided to follow me like a pack of clingy strays. I make a mental note about the topic for our next mentor lunch: ‘Independence in the workplace’ or ‘How to stop expecting your boss to hold your hand over every little detail.’
“Get back to work!” I roar.
That stopped them in their tracks. Smoothing down my pencil skirt, I turn around and proceed to the exit.
“Is everything alright with you?” Nisha asks, studying my rigid profile. “You seem a little stressed. Is the ASSET wearing you down?”
“I have everything under control...”
* * *
Okay. Don’t panic. I have everything under control.
I crack my knuckles, rotate my neck muscles until I hear a pop, and shimmy my arms to get my blood circulating. The privacy blinds are shut and I have a ‘focus’ playlist (Mozart, Bach, and some criminally underrated techno) playing.
Enough goofing around. My important presentation to the board is four days away. I’m finally feeling the pinch of my impending deadline. I’ve blocked off an hour in my schedule.
No more three hour masterminds.
No more office birthday parties.
No more team bonding excursions to the L.A. Zoo.
I’m done with bowling, mini golf, trips to Universal Studios…
And definitely no more ‘Latte & Gossip’ hour in the break room with Nisha from HR (apparently, she’s going out for drinks with Scott from HR on Friday, but you didn’t hear it from me).
This is the day that I, Carina Wu, Director of Data Analytics, ASSET division, will master the ASSET.
Honestly, how hard can it be? Just because I let my data analytics skills atrophy for the better part of seven years in my climb up the corporate ladder doesn’t mean I’m a complete dummy. Need I remind you that I had a pretty decent GPA in college?
As a serial procrastinator, I know how to handle a deadline.
In fact, I prefer working right up to deadline.
It’s how I get my thrills, knowing I’m pushing it to the limit.
I’ve crammed for my midterms and wrote my papers overnight to varying degrees of success.
Straight B’s got degrees and there were a few A minus tossed in. I’ve got this.
Surely, mastering the ASSET is no different than a college cram session.
“Step one.” I login in and face the dreaded Matrix screen. Flickering green numbers crawl before me, beckoning me to do something with them. But what? What?
Exhaling, I grab my personal phone (no way I’m cache-ing my incompetence on the company’s phone) and search:
what is the ASSET reddit?
ASSET tutorials
how to use the ASSET
I waste half of my hour block scouring the internet for crumbs about this mysterious program.
And wouldn’t you know it?
For the first time ever, I couldn’t find my answer online. I blink once. Twice. My brain spaces out for a moment. Am I seeing this right? No forums. No amateur blog post. No YouTube tutorials. No help. None. Nada. Nothing.
How is that even possible? It’s like the universe said, ‘You’ve had your fun. It’s time to pay your dues.’
As far as the general public is concerned, the ASSET barely exists, which, okay, makes sense as its still in beta. But how beta are we talking here?
To add insult to injury, the only mention of the ASSET circles back to my LinkedIn profile. Am I seriously the only one in the data analytics world who knows anything about the ASSET? Am I truly the first and last surviving expert?
What happened to the creator? The original developers of the program? Have they all been disbanded? Is there a special rule amongst ASSET specialists that one never talks about the ASSET?
Surely I’m not the only one...
In a moment of desperation, I thought about calling my direct reports into my office and asking them about this ‘ASSET acceleration course’ that they’ve sworn they’ve taken. Why can’t I find it?
And then it dawns on me:
There is no ASSET acceleration course. Those little liars have been feeding me a line. No wonder they were so desperate to ask me about the fundamentals of the program. They didn’t learn shit. I’m going to have a strongly worded chat with them about honesty in the workplace.
With a growl of frustration, I slam my phone down and face my arch nemesis. It’s like staring at some nihilistic void, it’s matrix of green numbers snaking emotionlessly up and down the screen.
I scoot closer and roll up my sleeves, my shoulders tense. Who needs a tutorial? I never cared for reading instruction manuals anyway. You can’t learn how to swim unless you get your feet wet...
Am I not the leading expert on the ASSET? My résumé says I am. It’s high time I believe it.
“Here goes nothing.”
I press ENTER. “Oh,” I squint at the screen. “Okay. Something’s happening.” Almost instantaneously, the green numbers fizzle and start to multiply...
And multiply.
And multiply some more. Oh shit. Stop multiplying.
“What did I do?” I say under my breath. I don’t like the looks of this. I press ESC, hoping to stop the chain reaction, but the ASSET won’t stop replicating itself. It looks bad. Catastrophic. And now my laptop is making a weird buzzing noise.
“Okay. Calm down,” I say, hyperventilating a bit. “I can fix this. I have everything under control.”