13. Unloved
I walked in silence next to Bordus as we journeyed toward the more desolate landscape before us. The forest twisted and distorted until it finally disappeared, giving way to bare rock, gravel, and sand. Sparse brush and weeds made a valiant effort to break up the landscape but soon died away, leaving only volcanic earth.
As we passed the sulfur pools, I noted no disturbance where the Bomgesh limbs had been tossed, though I continued to watch it until we passed out of view.
Can it track me across an ocean? Will it find me without its head?
It didn”t seem productive to entertain such questions. With any luck, I”d be dead of old age by the time it reassembled, bent on revenge. Perhaps I”d be ready to move to the next sphere once it found me. I shook my head, hoping to dislodge the morbid thoughts from my mind. Our situation was dire enough not to add more gloom to it.
Dropping back, I scanned the area for Eth, hoping to gauge how long Gingel had by his current proximity. I didn”t want to think about the other reasons I wanted to see him, needed to see him. I couldn”t mark his form anywhere, ahead or behind. I hung back several paces now, still wondering if he was capable of hiding himself from me now if he chose to.
That would not be good. I need to know where he is.
”I am here if you were looking for me this time.” His soft voice came from just behind me, and I jumped yet again.
”Damn you! You sneaky bastard! Stop!” My outburst drew a judgmental backward glance from Arit. I hissed with a grin, ”Must you startle me?”
”I would have thought you would be used to it by now.” There it was, the hint of amusement. I stopped, turning to him with my arms crossed.
”Was that a jest? What is this?”
I observed him for a moment. He had changed so much. I had to know why.
”You are very different from the first time I saw you and seem to be more...human. How is that?”
”I am not sure what you mean?” He asked genuinely.
”Every time I see you, your appearance changes. When I saw the first time, you were monstrous. Now, you could be mistaken for a man, but for your color. What is happening to you?”
He said nothing, waiting until his steps forward became forced. The thread”s length moved him along, but he was reluctant to follow as I had stopped. Watching the invisible pull on him until I was satisfied with my measurement, I returned to walk beside him.
”I was not aware that I was changing. If this is indeed the case, it is not of my doing,” he said.
”Perhaps you are remembering what it is like to be a human. You seem nearly human now as it is.” The suggestion sounded near enough to the truth.
Eth looked away, pensive.
”I remember more...about my life,” he finally said. I said nothing but looked at him expectantly as I waited for him to speak.
”It seems clearer now. This world is not my home. I came...from another place a very long time ago. As for my death and the woman. I remember...I did love her. Her name. Still, it does not come to me. But I know she did not share my affection. There was someone else, the man with her. She loved him. I was trying to save them both. From what, I do not remember.” His face twitched and stretched as he searched for the truth.
”Please, Eth, don”t strain yourself. I never should have asked. I”m sorry. To die nobly for one who didn”t share your affection? It hurts my heart for you.”
”It does?” He almost sounded surprised. I nodded.
”To love, unrequited or to never know love at all, they are twin pains. It could be argued one might be worse than the other, but both are afflictions nonetheless. To be alone forever or to know the object of your affection will never be yours...”
My words faltered as they left my tongue. More gloom, piling higher and higher in my soul. I changed the subject.
”What happens if I fail? What is it like when you take someone to the next sphere? Do you speak to them? Are they afraid?”
I couldn”t help but ask. Knowing wouldn”t help, but it didn”t matter. All I had now was curiosity. He looked at me as we walked, but I avoided his eyes.
”Do you really wish to know? I regret revealing the crimson thread, it distressed you so.”
”I am not sure. Perhaps I am, as you said, remembering what it is to be human. I do not enjoy vexing you, though I have yet to learn how to avoid startling you.”
His voice had a playful quality at the end. Turning just in time, I caught a twinkle in his eye. He had made another jest.
As I wondered at this, I realized his eyes were different. The whites around his irises had appeared where his eyes had been entirely black before. And his hair continued to grow, a full head of hair now. More human, indeed.
”Will you tell me? When you know what the crimson thread demands?”
”Of course. Do you still wish to know the answers to the other questions asked?”
I thought for a moment. ”Maybe the most important one. Are they afraid?”
”If they are afraid, there is no indication. They appear calm and do not resist as they enter the next sphere.”
Looking away, I sighed. I suppose one couldn”t ask for more than that. We walked in silence for a good deal after that, but he stayed next to me, never out of sight.
With my attention off Eth, I began to notice Arit turning to look at me often. I kept pace with Bordus easily enough. Suspicion. That was what I was seeing.
Do I tell him about Eth? If I have to tell him about our mother, there might not be any way around it. Do I need to tell him anything, though? Once Gingel was healed, maybe we could travel south and accidentally find her. That might work.
As we passed through the last valley, the ash began to block out the sun, and the Bergafas came into full view. A tremor of awe released a gasp as the oppressive size of the obsidian monster towered before us. The fulfillment of this intrigue quickened my pulse, but a deep foreboding chilled my skin in defiance of the heated air.
A narrow, even path led down to an expansive basin of black sands, the sides of the mountain seeming to rise perpendicular to it on the far side. It was slow going, keeping our footing as we navigated to the bottom.
Making our way across the flat surface, I felt a mild panic creep into my mind. I scanned the solid rock sides, seeing no sign of a dwelling. No cave opening, no paths, nothing. For this entire journey, every step forward seemed to lead to the next easily.
But where are we to go now? Does she live on the other side? How long will it take to find her? Is she even still here?
I laughed bitterly at myself. How ridiculous would it be to come so far only to fall short?
”Arit, keep your eyes open. I will scout ahead and see if I can spy her home. When you reach the base, stop and make camp. It might take time to find where we go from here.”
He nodded, and I took off at a jog. My legs ached, but my fear drove me on. The coal blackness of the rock made it difficult to spy any features, caves, or paths cut into the side. The north side of the volcano to my right butted up against more mountains, and it seemed unlikely there would be a path around to the other side. Heading south to the left looked more promising, a narrow valley snaking around the base and away. Maybe she was back behind? That would be another day of travel. The dusting of ash in the air had been scarce on the way here, a breeze at our back clearing our way, but now, at the Bergafas” feet, the air was stifling. My lungs burning, I dropped out of my jog and settled for a brisk walk.
I should have followed them to the base, made camp, and rode Bordus. It would have been faster. I”ll continue on for a bit and if I”ve found nothing, I”ll return.
I squinted my eyes as I searched the mountainside. Outcroppings of rock jutted out to break up the sloping sections, but nothing stood out. I reasoned that a path or even a cave opening could easily hide between or behind such, with the obsidian-colored rockface and the ash shadow blurring the shapes. With the retreating light, I saw the truth of what was before me. Vast dark, nothingness. We”d arrived too late, needing to wait until the morning sun rays to give contrast to the forms. Do we even have that much time left?
My endurance was waning, so close to the finish line, but unable to find it. I looked back at the small shapes of the others. If I turned back now, I would meet them at camp. Taking a rest and planning the next step with Arit might be a better plan. It was far too easy to convince myself. I scanned the area again as I turned back, hoping some hidden path up the slope would reveal itself to me, but to no avail.
Arriving just in time to help Arit slide Gingel off the horse”s back and onto the rough wool blankets, I set up camp, laying out the hay given to us for Bordus and watering him. Arit made Gingel as comfortable as he could, struggling to convince her to take her elixir before sleep. He held her as she began to weep.
I wanted to go to her too.
But I held back, walking away from them, keeping Bordus” bulky frame between us. I knew if I went to her —comforted her— I would lose all control. I needed that control. If I fell to pieces, I could never put them back together.
Tears welled up as I stood, unwilling or unable to take another step. I tilted my chin up, holding the tears in place, forbidding them to fall.
I didn”t startle this time. Unsure whether I felt him coming or whether I was simply so exhausted I couldn”t react, I turned to see Eth standing beside me.
My gods, he looks so human.His eyes were white right to the edge of perfectly circular, bottomless black pools. I didn”t even try to hide the defeat in my eyes as I assessed him.
”I don”t suppose you know where this Hag lives?”
He shook his head slowly.
”We”re so close to the end now that it seems ridiculous that this should be the hardest part.”
An expression of defeat cloaked him as well. He stood impossibly still.
”You should go say goodbye to your sister. Once she sleeps, she will not awaken.”
Every nerve in my body froze, then cracked. There it is. That last straw. A constricting pain pulsed in my breast. Tears fell, carving channels down the ash on my face, unstoppable.
No, we still have time. It can”t be over yet.
”Elle...”
Without a thought, I turned into him, resting my head on his chest. His fingers laced through my hair at the base of my neck, his gentle hand at my back.
He feels so real. Why can”t he become real? Just for me. Oh, gods...I”m losing both of them.
The realization was a jolt to my heart. I cared. I cared about him. Too much. How did I let this happen? Now, my heart will break twice.
This other-worldly man sent to steal my sister away meant something to me. And in a matter of hours, they”d both be gone. I wanted to scream, crumple into a heap, and burst to pieces all at once. I wanted to rail at the universe, shake my tiny fist at the gods, and swear vengeance.
But I didn”t.
My eyes closed, and I let myself fall away.
Darkness surrounded me. The shadows of his essence on my cheek, the looming colossus behind me, the obsidian sands beneath me, and the blackened sky above. I let it swallow me whole, stripping away everything that mattered.
”I”m done, Eth.”
”I know.”
”You win.”
I raised my head to look at him, my hand finding the curve of his cheek again.
”I will miss you.”
”You will?” A twitch of his brow betrayed his confusion.
”Trust me, I”m as surprised as you are. But it”s true. I don”t know why I was allowed to see you. I wanted to believe there was a reason, that the gods had a plan, but I no longer see it. Still, when you have taken Gingel, I will mourn the loss of both of you.”
His brows furrowed and held, his stare unbearable.
”Why?” he asked.
”I don”t know. Maybe that is what the other thread means—some kind of connection we have made.” I inhaled a halting breath. ”Here I stand, with nothing else to lose.”
A single laggard tear traced the path of the ones who came before, but Eth wiped it away. Nothing else to lose. There was boldness in the thought. No more tears. No more regrets.
I reached for him, pulling him down to my waiting kiss. There was no earthquake. No jolt of energy between us. I didn”t melt into him. There was only the soft touch, simple and still so new. As gentle as a whispered I love you—the subtle delivery of a message of impossible depth.
”I wish you could feel this.”
Eth closed his eyes. Maybe he also wished to feel me, closing off one sense to find the others. My cheek rested against his chest again. This felt like goodbye, even if he would remain until the end. We stayed this way until I finally forced myself to let go.
I had one more goodbye to make.