15. It Was Always Me
”Girl, you don”t have much time. Stop gaping and bring me what”s mine.”
I shook my head, clearing the stupor. Right. This is it, the end of the journey, just a few more steps.
I moved forward, carefully avoiding the hanging greenery and random furniture. The cave was long and thin, widening only a bit as I reached the end. The last quarter of the cave”s ceiling was void of racks, opening to a small living space.
There had not been a definitive idea in my mind of what someone referred to as ”The Hag” should look like, but I found myself agreeing with the moniker upon seeing her. Tattered clothing of indeterminate construction hung on her featureless body; her long, greying hair fell in haphazard waves down her back, with small pieces of greenery garnishing the ratted tresses.
Unsurprising, considering the environment.
She was short, the top of her head barely cresting at my chest. Unbothered by my presence, she shuffled around her workstation. A hand shot out, palm up, reaching back to me, beckoning. Unsure what item she wanted first, I placed the small box of supplies in her hand.
”Hmmm. Mmhmm. Yes. Oh, that sneaky bastard. A bribe or a gift, Aldek?” She paused, moving to set the box aside, then held out her hand again, still not showing her face. ”Coin.”
I hesitated. ”I wasn”t told how much the cost was.”
”You have no coin?” She jerked her head toward me, but not enough to reveal her face.
”I do.” Did I dare haggle? I”d give it all if I had to, but survival after that would be difficult.
”Hmmm.” Her gnarled fingers began to pluck the disparate vials from the box. ”Who sent you here? Did they tell you nothing?”
”I...well...I pieced it together from rumors and stumbled around until I found someone who knew enough. We didn”t have much time for anything else.”
Her movement stilled.
”Three gold or be gone.” I reached in to retrieve the coins, unintentionally making the calculations for what was left.
Yes. If we camped as we had been and avoided the inns, we should be able to make it far enough to survive on what remains…
I retrieved the price from my pouch, placing the coins in her waiting hand.
The transaction accepted must have been her cue to look me in the eye. She seemed younger than her posture and grey head had suggested, but the moniker still applied. Her eyes swept up and down, taking me in.
”I take it you aren”t the afflicted?” I shook my head.
”No time to lose, girl. Bring them up.”
It had been more difficult to convince Arit to rise and come than it should have been. He was clearly weary and withdrawn. I couldn”t blame him. Not really. I had been resigned when he fell asleep, only to wake him with renewed faith in the plan.
When his bleary eyes cleared and he finally saw the torch burning, he reluctantly carried Gingel up the stone path. His reservations increased when he caught a look at the Hag. I couldn”t blame him for that either.
”Lay her down here. Good, good. Ah, let”s get a look at this then, eh?”
She pulled the fabric up, examining the gruesome condition. I couldn”t look at it anymore. The Hag made small, odd noises to herself as she milled around Gingel, placing her fingers at her pulse. ”Still alive, for now.”
She turned back to us.
”Yes, this is very bad, very bad. There is still time, but you”ve cut the hair very close here. I hope you have brought me a healthy one.”
”A healthy what?”
The Hag looked up, surprised. Her eyes darted around the room, and her hands flared to the sides, palms up.
”Where is the condemned man?”
Arit and I looked at each other, bewildered.
”We have no condemned man. We are all there is,” I said, a mild panic rising in my throat. ”Why do you need a condemned man?”
The Hag made a noise in the back of her throat, impossible to describe.
”Foolish girl! I don”t heal anyone. You are to bring a condemned man to take the illness upon himself.” A crooked finger pointed at the injured limb. ”This will kill someone. The thread must be satisfied. What I do allows you to choose who it kills. And that choice must be made now.”
”I don”t understand. You don”t heal? Wait, is this...transference?”
”Yes, I can take the injury away from one person and give it to another. I can”t make it disappear,” she said. ”You should have been told about this.”
The strange, frightening man the girl told me about. Her father”s reluctance to disclose details. It was about the condemned man. A man sentenced to hang, someone worth killing in place of an innocent. How would one even gain access to a condemned man? How did he get access to a man sentenced to die? Why didn”t he say something about it? No, I suppose he couldn”t say. What he did couldn”t possibly be allowed by law.
No, it doesn”t matter now; there is no time.
The blood drained from my face as I turned to Arit. But he wasn”t looking at me. He was locked on her.
”I”ll do it. It should be me,” he said before I could stop him.
I grabbed his arm, twisting him around to face away from the Hag, shaking my head.
”Don”t you dare. Gingel needs you.” I could see he was determined but terrified. My hands were gripping his tunic now as I mirrored his fear. But then I understood.
It was me.
It had always been me since that first night outside the Inn at Brint. I was willing to trade places then, and I hadn”t changed my mind. I was worthless without her, and I couldn”t live with myself if I let Arit leave her. This journey was to be my end, not hers.
No. It makes too much sense.
”It”s me, Arit. It”s me. There is no time for arguments. You have a future together. That is the end of it.”
His face crumpled, quivering, twisted by helplessness. He closed his eyes. I could see the conflict in him. His sense of honor pushing him to give up his life, his love trying to find a way to happiness, and his fear begging him to stay alive.
”I can”t let you do that. She”d never forgive me,” he said, the words choked out of him.
”She will. Maybe not at first, but she will understand. Someday.” My fingers relaxed, and I smoothed the fabric down. He looked at me, relief in his relaxed jaw, sorrow in his eyes.
I turned to the Hag.
”We are ready. I will take it. What do I need to do?”
She raised an eyebrow and looked over at Arit for confirmation. He looked away. I lifted my chin, ready to argue the point, but there was no pushback.
”As you wish. It will take a bit to prepare everything. Make your peace or what have you.”
She set to work, and I grabbed Arit by the wrist.
”We need to talk. There are some things you need to know.” Reluctant to leave Gingel, he gave the Hag a warning look as I led him into the night air just outside the entrance.
The wind had shifted, a cool, ashless breeze changing the aura of the landscape, just as the sister moons began to peak over the eastern horizon. I took a deep breath of the fresh air, wondering how many more breaths were mine to take now.
”Is this about you talking to yourself? Because you have been off for days,” he asked.
A half smile teased the corner of my mouth. I suppose none of that mattered now. He didn”t need to know. The question seemed so far away, so irrelevant. It was a strange thing to know your death was at hand. Calming. It didn”t make any sense, yet here I was. There was a sense of pride, too, that I had pulled it off. Well, almost.
”I know, I have, but that isn”t important now. This is about what happens after. When she is healed, and you are on your own after—”
”Don”t. Please. Don”t say it.”
”I know…I”m sorry. But I need you to hear me. It will keep you both alive once I”m gone.” His chin fell toward his chest. I could see I was moving too fast for his tender soul. I had accepted and moved forward. And with frightening speed. I knew there was no other path. But he struggled.
”There is a woman, a merchant in Vorlinden. Someone our father knew. She goes by the name of Meria Grennen. Say the name, Arit.”
”Meria Grennen.”
”Good. She and her husband have an import business there. They bring in goods from our old city, Fellabrik. That should be enough information to get you there. She looks a bit like Gingel, blond hair. You get yourselves down there with the coin you have left. Meria will help. Say it back to me, Arit.” He gave me the side-eye.
”Meria Grennen, import business, Fellabrik to Vorlinden. Good?” I patted him on the back.
”Yes. Good. I need to know you both will be well. Once I”m...” I thought better about the subject and let it be. Arit stood, arms crossed, staring out into the nothingness. I didn”t envy him the turmoil that no doubt churned in his soul. I had been so single-minded during this entire process. Any price was worth paying to save her. But I could see that in his acceptance of my path forward, he hadn”t fully thought through the situation. There was still time.
”You need a moment alone? To think?” He nodded slightly but didn”t look at me. Fair enough.
I made my way inside, back to Gingel, and sat. The Hag hummed absently as she gathered strange items and laid them on a table. Two diamond-shaped contraptions, made of interlocking tiles moving freely, with plain dark stones embedded in them, seemed to be the most important piece of the process. She set about removing and resetting several of the stones.
Distracted by her tinkering, I was surprised to feel Eth behind me, standing by the wall. Turning, I met his intense, concerned gaze. He wanted to talk.
He retreated from the living area, drawing me around a corner of the cave away from prying eyes and listening ears. I quietly joined him, keeping my voice low.
”Show me?” The white thread was taut. Eth was a mere six paces from Gingel now, but I didn”t fear the distance. I had hoped that my plan would succeed, but he didn”t share my sentiment.
”This is reckless. How many times must I say it has never been done? Please reconsider.” His jaw clenched and twitched, the only sign of his distress.
”She seems confident in her skills. I couldn”t live with myself if I didn”t do this—always wondering if I could have saved her. I must do this.”
”And what if you both die? What then?”
I smiled, placing my hand over his heart, patting his chest.
”Then I get to go away with you as well. Arit is very capable. He will survive—heartbroken—but he will survive without us.” This answer clearly didn”t satisfy, but he pressed no further. I smiled up at him, taking his face in my hands. ”I don”t want to think about that now. I want to…ask you for something.”
”Anything. If it is within my power, I would do anything for you, Elle.”
”You would?” He leaned into my hands, somber.
”Yes. You have only to ask,” he confessed.
I pressed my forehead against his, eyes closed, willing the moment to last an eternity. Gathering my courage, I knew I could do it now. Ask for what I wanted.
”Would you…can you touch me again?” I faltered; the request still seemed unnatural on my tongue. ”I want to be with someone…I care about. One last time.”
”You care for me?”
”I do. I can”t explain why, but it is truth in my heart.”
The next moment did last an eternity, waiting, hoping. He tilted his face the short distance to my lips, kissing me again. Sensation skipped across my skin, sparks bursting from dying embers. I yielded to him as he pressed me back against the rock wall, his lips dipping down to graze a trail along my neck to my collarbone. My fingers trembled as I struggled to loosen the leather lacings at my collar, opening to present more skin for him to explore.
My mind fashioned a picture of Eth, alive, his skin tanned by the sun. His smile unleashed as he looked at me, eyes sparkling. A summer evening, lying in the grass, listening to the breeze as we held each other. An ache in my heart grew to think of it. This impossible scenario, thousands of years separating our mortal allotments, felt real in my imagination. Eyes closed, I reached up to grip the back of his neck, fingers losing themselves in the shock of midnight hair.
I barely felt the tingle of his hand on my shoulder, sliding the fabric over and down my back. His fingers traced downward, light as a breeze. My skin”s reaction mismatched in intensity as his fingertips painted my torso in unbearable waves of sensation, untouched until now. I held my breath, unwilling to let a sound expose our tryst in that dark corner. This one thing that I wanted for myself. Just him.
His hand moved lower, cradling the soft round flesh, his thumb sweeping over the abashed peak. Gravity seemed to overwhelm me, threatening to drain my strength from me. I wanted Eth to hold me, carry me away. Take me anywhere.
Around the corner, the Hag made grunting noises, shuffling various pieces of furniture around in the open space. I sighed, bringing his lips down for a final kiss. I wondered what I would give to encapsulate this moment, keep it forever, never leaving his embrace.
”The thread moves me closer. I can”t stay here,” he said as he shifted away from me.
”Wait. I have one more request.” I moved with him to the edge of the wall that concealed us.
”Anything.”
”Will you…will you hold my hand? During the transference? I just…”
Eth captured a stray lock and set it behind my ear. His jaw flexed.
”Of course.” He moved in to press his forehead against mine again. ”Please. Please do not do this. This will not be easy, and you will endure a pain so great I cannot bear it. As much as I am capable, I care for you as well. Please.”
I reached up to press him into a tight embrace.
”I”m sorry, it is already done in my mind. I can”t turn back now.”