Chapter 22
“Why not?” I pitched forward again.
“Because you usurp the throne, Poppy. No other Queen could rule with you in Atlantia. The wolven will treat you as the Queen even if you do not sit on that throne. Some Atlantians will treat you the same. Others would follow who wears the crown, whether that is my mother or someone else. It would create a division, one we haven’t seen since the deities themselves ruled. I can’t do that to Atlantia,” he said.
“I don’t want that to happen.” My heart started thumping heavily as I gripped the edge of the table. “But this is your home.”
“You told me that I was your home. That works both ways,” he reminded me. “You are mine. What matters is that we’re together and happy.”
His words warmed me, but he would be leaving because I chose not to take the Crown. I pressed against the back of the chair, suddenly understanding what he was saying. “If I wasn’t a descendant of a god, and Malik wasn’t ready to rule, what would you have done if I said I didn’t want to rule?”
“Then we wouldn’t,” he answered. There had been no hesitation.
“But then what happens to the Crown? Do your parents continue to rule?”
“They would until the Crown was challenged.”
“And what happens if the Crown is challenged?”
“Several things, Poppy. None that you need to worry about—”
“Actually, I think I do.” I sensed his concern then, heavy and thick. “You’re holding back because you don’t want me to worry.”
“You shouldn’t read my emotions,” he countered. “It’s rude.”
“Casteel,” I growled. “We are talking about the potential of you and me becoming King and Queen, and I cannot be Queen when my husband hides things from me because he’s afraid I’ll be overwhelmed.
“I wouldn’t say I was hiding things—” He closed his mouth when he saw the look on my face.
“You know what that says to me? That you don’t think I can handle being Queen,” I told him.
“That’s not at all what I’m saying.” He leaned forward, placing his hands on the table.
“It’s not my intention to keep you in the dark.
Some of what I didn’t share was because I didn’t have all the information, and I—” He shoved a hand through his hair.
“I’m not used to sharing these kinds of things with anyone but Kieran.
And I know that’s not an excuse. I’m not saying that it is.
To be honest, you’ve handled everything thrown your way better than most people would.
It’s not that I truly fear you’ll freak out.
It’s just that I don’t want you to be overwhelmed.
But you’re right. If taking the Crown is something you choose, I can’t hold things back.
Sensing his contrition, I nodded.
He shifted back in his seat. “If we didn’t take the throne, my parents could concede, but they would only do that if they felt the one who’d issued the challenge was fit to rule—and they could only do that if one challenged the throne at a time.
If there’s more than one, then the Elders weigh in.
There could be trials where the challengers would have to prove themselves. ”
“Like the heartmate trials?” I asked.
“I imagine. I don’t know for sure. It has never…gotten to that point before.”
Another wave of disbelief swept through me. “And you’d be willing to walk away? To possibly let what has never happened before occur?”
“Yes,” he said, again without even a moment of hesitation.
“I do not want to be party to forcing you into yet another role you did not ask for nor desire. I will not replace the veil you loathed with a crown you hate. If you do not want to take the Crown, I will support you,” he swore, and the intensity in his words captured me.
The irrevocable oath he was making. “And if you decide you want to take what is yours, claim the throne, I will set this entire kingdom on fire and watch it burn if that ensures that the crown sits on your head.”
I jolted. “You love your people—”
“But I love you more.” Flecks of gold burned brightly in his eyes, churning restlessly. “Do not underestimate what I would or would not do to ensure your happiness. I think you know this by now. There is nothing that I wouldn’t do, Poppy. Nothing .”
I did. Gods, he’d already done the unthinkable by Ascending me, but he’d been prepared for me to become a vampry. He would’ve fought anyone and everyone who came near him to keep me alive, even if I became a monster. I didn’t doubt him now.
“This is about you, about what you’re comfortable with and what you want,” he continued. “No one is going to force this choice on you. It will be your call, and then we will deal with whatever may or may not happen. Together.”
A soft tremble worked its way through me. I didn’t doubt what he said. I didn’t underestimate him. I was at a loss for what to say as I stared at him in silence, utterly overwhelmed. That kind of devotion? His promise? It was…it was life-altering.
And maybe the truth was that I wasn’t worthy of him.
I rose and walked around the table to where he sat without really understanding what I was doing.
He tilted his head back, watching me silently.
I didn’t let myself think about what I was doing or if it was normal or acceptable.
I just did what I wanted, what felt right to me.
My senses were open to him, and I felt a rush of warmth and sweetness as I sat in his lap.
His arms immediately wound around me, and he held me tightly as I wiggled as close to him as I could get, tucking my head under his chin.
I closed my eyes. “I hope this chair doesn’t collapse on us.”
Casteel chuckled as he dragged a hand over my hair. “I’ll break your fall if it does.”
“Stop being sweet.”
“I was just pointing out that I would, indeed, break your fall if the chair broke as it would be me who hit the floor first,” he said, brushing my hair back from the side of my face.
“And you’re the one being sweet right now.
” His arms tightened around me and then relaxed only slightly. “I like it.”
“I like you,” I murmured, pressing my fingers into his chest. “You know what it means to me, having that choice. That freedom.” Emotion swelled in my chest and burned its way up my throat. “It means everything to me.”
He slid his hand around to my cheek, tilting my head back. Dipping his head, he kissed me softly. “I know.”
“You are worthy of me, Cas. I need you to know that.”
“With you in my arms, I feel worthy,” he said, pressing his lips against mine once more. “I do.”
“I want you to feel worthy of me when I’m not in your arms.” I placed my fingers against his cheeks. “Why would you think you’re not? After all you’ve done for me?”
He was quiet, and I could feel the sourness of shame as thick lashes lifted. “What about all I’ve done to you? I know you’ve accepted these things, but that doesn’t change that I lied to you. That because of those lies, you were hurt. Because of what I did, people died—people you loved.”
My heart ached. “Neither of us can change the past, Cas, but because you lied, I saw the truth of the Ascended. People were hurt—Loren, Dafina.” I drew in a shaky breath. “Vikter. But how many lives have you saved? Countless, I’m sure. You saved mine in more ways than we probably even know.”
A small smile appeared and then faded, and I sensed it was about more than just what had happened to me. His shame and guilt ran so much deeper than that.
“Talk to me,” I whispered.
“I am.”
“I mean, really talk to me.” I smoothed my fingers along his cheeks. “What makes you think you’re unworthy of me?”
His throat worked on a swallow. “Are you reading my emotions?”
“No.” I sighed when he arched a brow. “Kind of.”
He chuckled, the sound hoarse. “I don’t know, Princess. There are things that…come into my head sometimes. Things that lived in my head when I was caged by the Ascended. I don’t know how to put them into words, but even if I did, neither of us need to deal with that right now.”
“I disagree,” I said empathetically. “We do.”
One side of his lips tipped up. “We have a lot on our plates. You have a lot on yours. I’m not going to add to that. I don’t need to,” he added when I opened my mouth. “I’m okay, Poppy. Trust me when I say that.”
“Cas—”
He kissed me, capturing my lips in a deep, drugging sort of kiss. “I’m okay, Princess. I swear.”
Sensing I would get nowhere with him right now, I nodded, then curled my hands around his wrists as he tucked my head back under his chin.
This wouldn’t be the last time we talked about this, I would make sure of that.
We sat there in silence for several minutes as I thought about everything from the time he was held prisoner to the decisions I had to make.
My natural inclination was to turn down any claim to the Crown immediately.
It was the only sensible reaction. I had no idea how to be a Queen of anything, not even a pile of ashes.
And while Casteel might not have been raised from birth to take the throne, he had been raised a Prince.
I’d seen him with his people and already knew he would make a wonderful King.
But me? I was raised as the Maiden, and very little of that upbringing would be of any use.
I had no desire to govern people, determine what they could and couldn’t do, and assume that kind of responsibility.
Where was the freedom in that? The freedom to live my life as I saw fit?
I had no hunger for power, no great ambition…