Chapter 16 #2
“I have to go after her,” he said. “Right now. If we can catch up with them—”
“Loren—” Finn shook his head slowly. “I’m sorry, if they have that much of a head start I don’t think we can catch them on the road. Elvanfal is a fortress. She’ll be surrounded by walls, soldiers…we would need an army to get her out.”
The shadows shuddered, swelling around his feet.
Finn said something else—but the roaring in Loren’s head swallowed it.
It swallowed everything. His own heartbeat.
The desperate keening of the shadows. The cold absence of Araya’s presence suddenly felt enormous, like Jaxon Shaw had carved his beating heart out of his chest.
Loren had been horrified when dara’el had shown him how his father’s grief had fed the slaughter of an entire battlefield—fae and human alike—but now…
Now he understood.
“Loren,” Finn started, reaching for him. “We’ll figure something out.”
“Don’t.” Loren turned away from his friend. Away from the guilt written across Kai’s expression and the pity filling Caela’s eyes. “Don’t lie to me. I just—” his voice broke, the shadows lashing at his legs. “I can’t be around anyone right now.”
He shoved past Raelle, barely looking at anyone as he stormed through the common area.
He couldn’t be responsible for what the shadows might do now.
Even with the tea muffling the bond he could feel their fury.
Their sorrow and fear. The hinges of the door squealed when he shoved it open, the cooling night air slapping him across the face as he spilled into the street, scattering the fae gathered there.
Loren planted both hands against the guardhouse, every breath sawing in and out of his chest. Goddess, he must be terrifying right now. After all of the progress he’d made convincing them they didn’t have to fear his shadows—
“Loren?” A small voice asked. “Are you alright?”
Loren laughed raggedly, glancing up at where Maya peered down at him.
She was perched on the roof of the guardhouse—keeping watch, no doubt, whether Raelle had authorized her to or not.
She’d gotten comfortable with his shadows over the past weeks, but even she looked wary of the roiling darkness surrounding him.
“Not really,” he said. “Is there somewhere I can go? Somewhere no one will find me for a while?”
Maya considered for a moment, watching his shadows. “I know a place,” she said. “Climb up here and I’ll take you.”
Maya led him on a terrifying journey across the rooftops, leaping between the narrow buildings without a speck of fear.
She’d been reluctant to leave him alone once they finally reached the perch she claimed offered the best view of the city, only relenting once he’d sworn to her that he just needed a few moments by himself.
“Space to breathe,” she said, her small face brightening with understanding. “I’ll keep watch, then.”
She vanished back the way they had come, disappearing into the darkness.
Loren took a deep breath, reminding himself that this was the world she’d grown up in—who was he to tell her what was too dangerous?
She’d been scampering across the rooftops while he rotted in iron in a cell under the Aetherium.
He stood there a long time, staring unseeing out over the city.
Maya was right—you could see clear over the wall surrounding Farhallow here.
He scanned the steady, golden gleam of aetherlight that marked the New Dominion’s perimeter, stretching as far as he could see in either direction.
Inside the wall, that golden glow shifted, becoming flickering cook fires and torches.
Without the curfew and fear of Arcanum soldiers to drive them into their homes, fae packed the streets even this long after dark, the sound of laughter and music rising through the air.
They were celebrating.
The Arcanum might come tomorrow. They might tear down the barricades, slaughter their leaders, and drag the rest back in chains. But tonight—tonight, they were free.
What would Araya have thought of this? Would she have joined in their music and dancing and celebrated alongside them? Or would she have watched from the rooftops like him, counting the numbers of Arcanum soldiers gathered on their doorstep?
Loren wasn’t sure how long he stood there before the boards creaked behind him. Whoever had come to find him approached slowly, making sure he heard them and stopping a respectful distance from the slinking shadows.
“Space for one more?” Raelle asked.
Loren grimaced. “I can’t make any promises for them,” he warned, nodding to the shadows. “Did Maya rat me out?”
“She would never.” Raelle laughed. “After what you did for her mother? She’s more loyal to you than any royalist I’ve ever met.”
“I wish I could have saved her mother,” Loren said.
“So do I. But even you can’t be everywhere at once, Your Majesty.” Raelle perched on the edge of the roof beside him, staring out over the city. “Maerin would have loved this.”
“I was just trying to decide what Araya would have thought of it,” Loren admitted, staring down at the shadows as they wound around his feet instead of meeting her gaze. “I’m not sure it’s something she ever imagined happening.”
Raelle hummed softly. “I’m not sure any of us ever imagined this happening,” she said thoughtfully. “Did you know I met her a few times?”
“You did?” Loren started, his gaze flashing to her.
“A few times.” Raelle swung her feet, staring out over the edge of the roof. “She would help Serafina with the maternity clinics.”
Loren frowned. “I didn’t realize you had children.”
“Oh, I don’t.” Raelle laughed, but her mouth twisted into a bitter smile.
“I would go with the others—to make sure they were treated fairly. They tried to put me in the breeding program when I aged out of Velgrim and started cycling, but I fought too much. The mage they’d assigned me to beat me so badly for resisting that I’ll never be able to carry a child to term. ”
“I’m sorry,” Loren said uselessly.
“I’m not.” Raelle shrugged. “I would never have survived carrying some human mage’s spawn.” She paused, still not quite looking at him. “Some of us make other choices. Find another way to endure. Like Araya did with Jaxon Shaw.”
Loren’s shadows stilled.
“I don’t think she understood what kind of man he was,” Raelle continued, her voice softening. “She would have been young when she met him. He showed her another face. Offered her safety, protection—a way out.” Her mouth tightened. “That kind of offer is hard to refuse for people like us.”
Loren had never known that version of his mate, but his heart ached for the girl she’d once been. “Why are you telling me this?” he asked.
“Because,” Raelle said, exhaling slowly, “when she came here with Serafina, she didn’t look away from what the Arcanum does to us.
She didn’t pretend she was above it.” Raelle finally met his gaze.
“Someone who grew up in Kaldrath—who understands desperation, and survival, and what it costs—” she gestured down at the city below them, with its laughter and light and music.
“I don’t believe in fate or pray to the Goddess anymore.
But someone like that is exactly the kind of queen our people are going to need. ”
“Our people?” Loren asked.
“I think so.” Raelle smiled. “You claimed us, didn’t you?”
“I did.” Somewhere far below them, someone started playing a reed flute, the tinny music rising into the night. “And if I leave you here, I’m abandoning you to the New Dominion. But if I stay—” Loren shook his head miserably. “I’m abandoning her.”
“Do you think we’re going to crumple as soon as you leave?” Raelle raised an eyebrow. “We’ve been fighting this war a long time, Your Majesty.”
“I—” Loren blinked, stammering. “But without the shadows—didn’t Kai say they were sending their High Commander back to oversee the operation to take back Farhallow?”
“High Commander Redmond.” Raelle bared her teeth in a bloodthirsty smile. “He might be surprised at what he finds waiting for him here. You’ve given us the best chance we’ve ever had to strike a real blow against the Arcanum here. We won’t waste it.”
“You could all die,” Loren protested.
“We die every day, Your Majesty,” Raelle said. “Either slowly—worked and bred until our magic and bodies give out—or quickly, at the end of an iron blade. I know which death I prefer.”
There was nothing Loren could say to that.
“Caela was the first to volunteer to go with you,” Raelle continued. “I picked a few others from the others that volunteered.” She stood, brushing dust off her pants. “Bring our queen home, Your Majesty. Whatever happens here, you’re going to need her. And so are we.”